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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh's brother and sister should have given my dcs their Christmas presents by now.

38 replies

muminthemiddle · 26/12/2009 23:39

I know I probably am being over sensitive but neither my bil or sil have given my dcs their Christmas presents yet.

Sil and her dh were invited to our house Chrismas eve. We also invited other close friends. Anyway up until Chrismas Eve morning sil and family were coming then she rang to say that due to her ds having a cold they wouldn't be coming. Fair enough even though I had bought food and drink for them and was preparing the catering at the time.

Mil,Fil and Bil came Christmas day. Bil was pissed and could hardly stand even my dd asked me why he was swaying around!!!!!
Bil said he had forgotten my dcs presents again fair enough.

As Mil was leaving I gave her the presents for sil kids (she was seeing them today)she was a bit off with me and said that sil had told her they would be visiting us very soon(unknown to me). I replied that as nephew had a cold they wouldn't be coming, mil said oh no he was perfectly fine when we went on Christmas Day and Fil agreed.

Now 2 things:

  1. If nephew is well Christmas day then was he really so ill as to not to be able to come as planned on Christmas Eve. 2)Why didn't sil give mil presents so that my dcs would have got them for Christmas.

We are working tomorrow so won't be seeing sil or bil then and for me Christmas is the 25th of December and inlaws know how I feel about this.

My dh seems to think that it has more to do with sil and bil not being arsed to come as they would have to drive but I would have preferred to know before I prepared the food for them tbh.
Also bil (the pissed up one) has driven to meet my dh today for a drink-no mention of the "forgotten" presents.

I don't want to sound like I am obsessed by presents but am annoyed as mil texted dh and myself reminding us to make sure we had presents for bil dcs ready for when they came Christmas Day, and had we bought bil something too!!!!

Anyway off to drink the extra bottles of wine stacked in the garage!

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 26/12/2009 23:46

So if MIL texted you to remind you to get your presents ready to give, I wonder why she was off with you when you gave them to her to pass on.

I have no idea about the poorly DS vs making excuses not to come.
But it seems they're just waiting until you all get together to give their presents.
(Or, could it maybe be that they haven't got the presents yet)?

I have to say that .... "for me Christmas is the 25th of December and inlaws know how I feel about this". sounds quite funny.

Vallhala · 26/12/2009 23:48

Depends on how old your DC are and whether the family had promised them their presents on the 25th. Personally I'd be far more concerned and cross that my BIL was ignorant enough to turn up to my house pissed and especially that he was so in the presence of my (presumably young) DD. BIL wouldn't have got through my front door, presents in hand or not!

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 27/12/2009 00:02

YANBU about your BIL as he came to your house.

YABU about your SIL. I don't get why all presents have to be given on Christmas Day. I think it's fun to have a few present opening sessions spaced out over the Christmas period. I also like to have an exchanging presents session, and give to people when I see them and v.v. Fact of the matter is it's up to the gift giver when they choose to give gifts, and if they haven't seen the recipient, then fair enough that they waited.

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 27/12/2009 00:03

The thing is my dcs have often received their Christmas presents THE NEXT YEAR from bil (I am not joking) via my Mil and not even in person.
My dh has said in the past not to bother as if you cannot give a present on the relevant day, hence the 25th December comment,then we really don't want the hassel of trying to explain to children who were very young at the time, what the fecking presents were for. As Santa had well and truely gone by then!

I just find it very rude, unless you have a very valid reason eg genuine illness.

OP posts:
ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 27/12/2009 00:07

IMO, if you do the 'all presents are delivered by Santa' thing then you are only creating a rod for your own back.

But I do think if you're going to someone's house for Christmas, you should bring at least the children a gift.

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 27/12/2009 00:13

Dingadong-fair enough but background information for approximately the past 6 years sil has not been to my house-probably longer tbh. So I have gone through to hers and we have exchanged presents before Christmas. I don't recall ever seeing her ds open his present so it cannot be that important to her.
Likewise with bil when he was married(long story) my dcs presents were ALWAYS without exception passed onto my mil so I was taken aback when she was off hand about me handing over my nephews present.
Just to clarify this is not how I would like to do things but seeing as though we are never invited to inlaws at Christmas it is always me who caters, and although both sil and Bil were invited to ours what else am I supposed to do. Hence the view of my dh who says he is completly pissed off with all his family and if it were up to him none of them would get a single present or invite!

OP posts:
Original poster
muminthemiddle · 27/12/2009 00:21

It isn't just Christmas presents though.
One year my dh was asked to collect a birthday present for my dd from my mil it was 4 months after her birthday. We spent the entire day trying to explain to my ds(her younger brother) why he hadn't received a present from his auntie and uncle (he was about 2 or 3 at the time)as they simply could not understand why my dd had a present and he didn't after all it was so long after her birthday.
If I turn bil away mil will take offense so I am trying to keep the peace.

OP posts:
tootiredtothink · 27/12/2009 00:44

YABU

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 27/12/2009 00:48

YABU and a bit grasping sounding.

TLESinChristmasStockings · 27/12/2009 00:59

I have 2 DS's my Sister has 2 as well. My brother and his partner always buy them something BUT this year one was away so the DC didn't get anything...well not yet anyway. they are 11.9.6. and 2 but its ok because even if they didn't get a prize (ds2 2yrs words) then they would be happy as they have 2 loving uncles. isn;t that more important than material things?

Twinkleandpearls · 27/12/2009 01:00

Do you really give a shit. You sound like you need to get laid tbh.

MarionCrane · 27/12/2009 01:02

It seems like you're making a mountain out of a molehill, tbh.
Your children won't think anything about the presents being late if you don't make a fuss about it.
Your SIL and BIL clearly don't put the same emphasis on present giving as you do, which is irritating for you, but really not worth getting upset over, imo.
You can't change other people, but you can change how you react to them, so try and accept that they're disorganised, and view it with amusement rather than annoyance.
Your MIL sounds like she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong, but hey, you're not the only one with a MIL like that!

RobynLou · 27/12/2009 01:05

yabu

Tortington · 27/12/2009 01:05

i have seen the colditz thread and i suppose this is one of those threads to which is referred.

i think it is perfectly acceptable to be upset when family isn't thoughtful at Xmas.

This is perfectly different from being ungrateful about being given bath salts that you don't want.

TLESinChristmasStockings · 27/12/2009 01:06

You know this reminds me of something in my life.
My nanny would buy birthday presents for my sis and bro, mum n dad but until I was 18 and then 21 i never got a card or anything. It used to really upset my mum and she would tell Nanny about it. But my nan could not cope with the date. she blocked it out and therefore my birthday with it. I was due on her sisters birthday and she died on the date i was born but not the year iyswim?

I didn't care because at the end of the day I had all I wanted and in 31yrs I got 2 presents from my nanny and grandad which to this day I still treasure.

Material things are not important.

KitKatQueensSpeech · 27/12/2009 01:23

Twinkle, you sound like you just have.

OP, I'm with you on this one, I make a point of sending all my nieces gifts well in advance so that they can have their presents on christmas day. They live several hundred miles away and we never meet up until after the new year. Their parents have family in america and always make a big point of sending all the gifts out very early to make sure they arrive in time for christmas.

My children however get their presents from them when we meet up after the new year. Birthday presents are normally a couple of months late, but are never ever early.

My dd commented on her 5th birthday that they hadn't sent her a present ( my dc's always help to chose and wrap the presents for the other dc's in the family) and asked if they didn't like her any more. Which of course I had to explain that no they just forgot and i'm sure they will give it to you when they see you next. I know it probably seems like I consider it to be a big deal when its not, but actually to me it is. To me when they don't bother sending dd's gift for a month or 2 it just says that they don't have any consideration for her - that she's not important. I realise that the gift isn't her "right" but if you tell a 4 year old that you are going to buy them a particular gift for their birthday which is in 2 weeks then you shouldn't send them something else several months later.....

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2009 02:37

I am sure your children can wait a few more days,...it is not like they didn't get anything from you!

And "I just find it very rude" that you expect everyone to bend to your rules about presents! Seems like that is your main concern, actually!

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 27/12/2009 08:17

DD's got some small presents 2 weeks ago when we visited my family, they got some more on christmas day and will get more on new years when we visit DH's family.
Our families ask us to let them open presents in front of them, in fact my mum buys small gifts purely so she can see their faces when they open them.
MIL has trhe best and biggest gift for them, something DD1 has been asking for for ages and was upset that she didn't get on xmas day, but I still would not presume to order my MIL to let them have the present before she wants to give it to them. She bought it, she gets to decide.

Boys2mam · 27/12/2009 08:25

I understand your frustration and definately don't think YABU

Your husbands comment about if it was up to him he wouldn't invite them - it is up to him surely? and you of course

merrycompo · 27/12/2009 08:33

My dcs don't get any of their prsents from my family until we go and visit at new year

FrannyandZooey · 27/12/2009 09:12

i think if your dc are getting het up about such things it's because they are following your lead tbh
my ds is 6 and doesn't get bothered if someone doesn't send a present, or if a present turns up late, or any of the things mentioned above
personally i quite like having presents spaced out over the next few weeks when we see people, as it can be overwhelming to have all the presents on one day for little ones i think
spread out, they can enjoy them more and also the givers can see them opening them, which is a big part of the enjoyment for the giver IMO

i do think if this is all you have to worry about at christmas then you are really extremely fortunate and should count your blessings

madamearcati · 27/12/2009 12:31

Maybe they can't afford to buy for your DC.I think you need to chill,this obsessiveness about presents isn't good.If you get presents from them- lovely , if you don't or they are late -well really who cares ?

Toffeepopple · 27/12/2009 12:34

One of my BILs has only once sent our children gifts. If he sent them a present at any time of year I would praise the lord and fall down in shock. Would not care about the date!

I do think it is a shame because we live a long way away and the children really have a sense of who their other aunts and uncles are because we discuss their gifts with them. These are usually tiny tokens usually accompanied with letters, paintings their kids have done, etc.

We have tried to raise it with them. We never seem to get far though, as they seem to quite like the gifts we send. I would gladly stop giving physical gifts, if that were their lead, but would like my kids to get a card, or an email, or a postcard - SOMETHING to show their uncle is interested in them.

But then maybe he isn't?

StarExpat · 27/12/2009 12:40

I'm growing tired of threads about people upset about their dc or themselves or anyone not getting presents. If someone told me they have a present for me or ds or dh and forgot it, I wouldn't keep thinking about that every time I saw them... hmmmm I wonder where my present is?? I'd leave it. Could be any reason and who cares? It's a present ffs.
I would feel a bit hurt about sil being (potentially) dishonest about why she didn't come over to dinner, but the presents? nope. I would of course appreciate and be very happy once and if ever given, but wouldn't expect them to be on their way or wonder about their whereabouts...

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 27/12/2009 13:32

I don't really care3 about the presents tbh.
Kitkat has hit the nail on the head for 12 years my bil never once came to our house 9he has since blamed his ex wife)so even turning up drunk was a blessing as finally my kids could put a face to uncle x, he lives 20 mins drive away.
It is more the feeling of I don't give a shit about any of you (except when I need you but that is another story)and that i will dump presents with inlaws for your kids to get months after the event.

Ontop of this I am full of flu so probably am very touchy atm. Could do without having to cook for family both Christmas Eve and Christmas day but if I don't then we would never get to see them.
Told dh that I won't be doing it again anyway.
Btw i9t would suit me and dh not to buy presents but mil would do her nut and it is not worth the hassel of upsetting the apple cart.

OP posts: