to be fed up of this friend

[MilkNoBrandyForSanta]

Have known this friend (lets call her Sarah) for 10 years now she's 20 i'm 21...She doesn't have the easiest life by any means (Mums ill, Bro severe learning difficulties, dad cancer) but I just feel completly and utterly fed up

Life is only ever about her her problems, her feelings, her life etc...Sometimes (probably selfishly i know) I want or need to talk about me for a minute...But even if i try, it always becomes about her

Over the last 2 years she's had a boyfriend who is an idiot (well they went out for 14m till march...now fuck buddies...a whoole other thread!) I don't like him...he doesn't like me. But no matter what he will ALWAYS come first...I was on the phone to her a min ago and after 3 mins she went "oh got to go is here" yet i cannot even think about the number of times I've been there and shes buggered off in the other room on the phone for an hour or 2...

I've tried to be there for her...I've listened when she's cried, I've gone round to hers at 1/2/3am for whatever reason-even if i was working in the morning, I';ve spent hours and hours listening to her moan and bitch, I've been screamed at for no reason.

When my nan died last year it destroyed me completly, yet even the day she dies, Sarah made it about her-her arguements with OH, I find it so hard to open up and yet the one time i did open up on the phone about my nans death, she just laughed at something on the telly instead...that really really hurt as it was so hard for me
This xmas was the 2nd without nan...something i was dreading...did she ask how i was? nope.

I was ill the other week...saw her and she could see how unwell i was etc...when she was ill week before last i went round to see her-brought food etc. she said "oh i forgot you were ill...oh well" when i "joked" about it.

She never callls me back, never calls me just to say "hi"

Everything is about money...if we're out shopping and she's dragged me round the shops she'll buy me something...i don't WANT her to buy me something...i want her to realise that I'm there and maybe i would like to go to a particular shop before closing time
She gives big grand xmas/bdat gifts (nothing this year htough)which, please dont get me wrong i am grateful for but just once i would like her to notcie or remember the gloves ive pointed out 800 times that i love, rather then a big present because she doent know what to buy me

I feel so bad moaning about her because she does have alot of shit going on at home, im just fed up of trying to be there for her and getting nothing back

God i look like a horrible friend

I know people will say why are you still friends with her then?

I dont know why...I love being in her company when everythings ok, she is lovely alot of the time...i just feel like im doing everything she asks but when i ask, it's not reciprocated

Sorry for moaning

Drop her. Drop her slowly and gently, but do drop her, because she's upsetting you.

D R O P H E R

Life is too short.

A long history counts for nothing if it doesn't go both ways.

Tell her how you feel and see what happens - could be the end of your friendship or a wake up call for it.

Say and do nothing and carry as now.

Stop calling and see if she calls you.

My XPs family are just like your friend... they lack social skills and ;make up' for it by lavishing each other with gifts.

My family are really close, and although they do gifts at Christmas's and birthday's they don't do it like XP's family...

My point is... she might not feel as though she has the social skills (it certainly sounds like she doesn't) to be a real friend, and instead tries to 'correct' this by trying to make it up with material items.

She has more than likely learnt this off her family... XP rarely used to show any emotion towards me but would just go and buy me a 32 inch LCD tele or a Wii fit because he thought I wanted it... he had learnt that off his mum who has always done exactly the same.

I don't really know if this will help at all, I just wanted to give you a possible insight into why she acts that way

Do you need her? Have you got other friends? You don't need to drop her completely but you can stop being so reliant on her. Make sure you have other friends to talk to, go out with etc and slowly you will find she is less important to you. Then when she doesn't notice you are unhappy or ill or whatever, it won't matter so much. Keep distancing yourself until you get to a point YOU feel comfortable with, eg get control back of this relationship. And if she wants to talk to you endlessly about her problems, listen for a bit, then make your excuses and leave/put down the phone etc. It is your life, lead it the way you want not the way she wants you to.

By the way you don't sound like a horrible friend, you sound like a very patient friend to still be her friend despite her behaviour. I have dropped a few friends in my life because of the damage they were doing to me and although it isn't easy, I've never regretted it.

I have had this with friends. I was always there for them but when I was ill and had to leave work, I never saw them even though they were bridemaids at my wedding and one of them I had been to school with. I got fed up and dropped them. I have now got a totally new set of friends who are fantastic and I feel so much better. I find it so draining to have friends like this that now I am a bit older, I have learned not to hang on to these so called friends and stick with the people that really matter.

You don't sound like a horrible friend BTW. Especially that thing with your nan when she was laughing at something on the tv, that was bloody selfish as hell of her. You really should find someone who gives as much as you do to a friendship.

thank you for ur replies, i know i should drop her. I don't know why i feel so guilty but i do,i think it`s because of her hme life.... am at her house now and shes been on the phone for 3 episodes of sex and the city! am going home now as am gdtting pissed off...sorry about grammer...writing on PSP

Don't feel guilty!! Her home problems are not yours. You are around there and she is on the phone all that time. That is just plain rude and taking you for granted.

Used to have a needy fried like this, at about your age, who was admittedly very good company, but always had a personal drama in her life but she couldn't be relied on to return that support. We drifted apart, more by her instigation than mine, when I went to uni and I was no longer there to provide immediate support. Looking back I still remember her fondly but now less rose-tinted(ly).

Would echo advice already given and broaden your circle of friends so she becomes less important in your life. Friendships change and evolve anyway and it becomes a more two-way friendship, then I think it's going to wane anyway.

It does sound like your friendship is one-sided but it can be very hard to drop someone that you have been friends with for so long.

If you don't want to drop her could you try having the nice bits of the friendship without the bits you find upsetting. So you change what you expect from her.
She isn't good at giving you sympathy or being the person that looks after you when you are sad or ill, so maybe she is the friend that is good for a drink and a laugh but nothing more. So stop doing those things you wish she would do for you and just do the stuff with her that she is good at.

The other thing that your post made me think of, and the reason I namechanged, is that perhaps your friend isn't very happy.

For a very long time my brother wasn't happy and he never phoned and when I phoned him the conversation was me asking q's and him saying, yes, no, whatever. One year no presents the next year expensive jewellery, etc etc etc.
Then he met SIL, she encouraged him to change his job, his life, all sorts of things we might never know about, but now he is happy and the difference is amazing. He phones, not often but more and when we do talk we chat and laugh and it is lovely.

So perhaps your friend is unhappy and doesn't know how to do the normal things, maybe sticking with her you will one day be rewarded with a happier and more friendly friend.

Just some thoughts, I hope you find a way through this.

I know that Sarah has been through a lot but there is no excuse for her behaviour, like others have said i would just cut ties slowly. Dont call her, when she calls say your busy and got to go. Sounds as thought she is using you as you are too kind. Friendship is reciprocated, when your nan died she was not there, did not offer a shoulder why are you still friends!

Bluewho has got the right idea- lower your expectations and guve a bit less, but don't add to her dramas by cutting her off.

I had a friend for 20 years that went through various dramas. Nothing life threatening - bad back, unsuccessful IVF. I had various things going on in my life but (on later reflection) whenever we saw each other (then on a weekly basis) or spoke on the phone (two or three times a week) it was always about her problems.

I coped with the early death of my dad and the birth of my prem son with the support of others, not her. Then when ds was one I was involved in a major incident where I very nearly died and saw others near me die.

My friend wasn't there for me at all. She called me the day of the incident to see if I had been affected and made a comment along the lines of 'I knew it' and sounded pleased she had guessed I was near (not sure she realised quite how near). After a month she invited me for dinner. I said I'd confirm dependent on babysitter (single parent) and would let her know. The day of the dinner I called her to say that I couldn't make it. I did think it odd that she hadn't called me in the intervening week but I thought I should call just to confirm I wasn't going. She had a go at me as she had been shopping and had bought food to cook. She told me that I had let her down.

I realised then that it was too draining to have her in my life and I needed to look after my own physical and mental well being.

Four years later we have no contact at all. The only thing I regret was choosing her and her husband as ds's godparents as it means ds now only has one godparent.

Looking back I wish I had dropped her years ago. She was always the sort of person I had to steel myself to call or spend time with. If I felt a bit down I couldn't speak to her as her 'problems' would bring me down. Not so much what they were but more the fact that I listened and gave my support and never got anything in return.

I feel that I wasted a lot of energy on a friendship that ultimately wasn't worth it and I wish someone had told me 10 years into it to drop it.

You became friends with Sarah when you were 11 years old and a lot will have changed in 10 years. You are a different person now and she is too. It is sad but sometimes friendships grow apart. If it's got to the stage where she irritates you more than she makes you happy then it may be time to cut her off.

Bitoffun what is the point of having friends like that, i would rather have a couple of very good friends that i could rely on and them on me. You have to look after yourself and drop ties or your life will become more cluttered with hangers on really.

Weeeeell, yes, but the woman is having a hard time, so cut her a bit of slack in the circs...

friendship is a two way street.

i had a friend who was very much like this, i couldn't tell her anything about my life without it turning all about her and how much worse it was for her.

but she was my friend and i am a listener not a talker most of the time, so i put up with it.

then one night, we went out for a drink. i have travelled oop north to see rellies and go out on the lash with her. we got into a club and she just deserted me to dance with a strange fella - but as a friend, i waited - holding her bag and her coat. Not wanted to dance with stange fellas miself as i'm married. I let this go on for quite some time. she didn't pop back, she didn't talk to me inbetween songs as my other single friends might do if they 'trap off' - so i walkedinto the middle of the dance floor chucked her bag and coat at her and got a taxi back to hers where i was staying - and my teenage daughter was there also.

the next morning. i thanked her (in a stiff manner) for her hospitality and left.

that was about 5 years ago. I haven't made contact or seen her since, as theres only so far one can put up with the selfishness of a supposed 'friend'

so my advice to you is. answer the phone if she calls - which isn't often. but don't chase her, she isn't a proper friend.

Thank you for your replies...Am on the computer now so can answer properly!

MsSpentChristmas certainly hit the nail on the head with regards to poor social skills...When she meets new people she gets hyper and excitable like a small child but is very uneasy at the same time. her dad certainly played some part in it, he is extremely over protective..to the point where she couldnt go 10 mins up the road without someone going with her when she was 17.
Her dad put alot of preassure on me (and still does) to look out for her and be there etc...as to why i bow to his demands i dont know

There is no denying she has it tough...her mum is 50 with a form of dementia which has prgressively got worse over 8y...her brother is 27 with the mental age of 18m/2y...her dad has cancer...her mum can be the toughest person to deal with, she repeats q's 20 times over and over, gets obbsessive about things...i cant explain it but it can be horrendous
Ive dealt with her mum alot (was a part time carer for her for 4m) and also just being in the house so i can certainly understand why she gets depressed sometimes etc

I just (and this is going to sound bad im sorry) don't want to listen to her problems right now...I just need her to turn around and say "hey how are thinggs going etc"

I dont want to ditch her i really dont...but sometimes i just feel like screaming...that isnt how a friendship should be is it?

The whole thing about material stuff with her buying big prezzies etc drives me mad...She said to me yesterday "oh I'll get you a Wii if you want" I dont want a sodding Wii...I want her to take a notice in things i say or do...when we get a takeaway she says she will pay for it and wont take my money when i give it etc and then brings it up all the time...i hate it....I'm fed up of giving and getting nothing back.

I honestly don't know what i want to do anymore...and I feel like a shit friend for not wanting to listen to her problems etc but I'm tired of it being about #HER...

tell her, kindly, you have nothing to lose except her friendship

in fact, maybe let her see this thread? not sure...

drop her. dont feel guilty at all she doesnt seem to feel guilty about burdening you with her problems. i have had a shit load of problems over the last 5 years but would never dream of depressing my friends with my depression. i use my counseller for that. you can only give so much and i think you have give as much as you can give. you sound like a good friend to have just a shame she doesnt realise that.

look Milk you are not her parents and cant mummy her, just dont contact her and if she demands say no and be assertive not like a door mat so that she knows that she cannot mess you about. If she phones up at silly hours say your sleeping and have work and put the phone down, tough love thats what it is. Friendship is a two way street and sounds as though it has run its course, you are not the same people as you were at 11 years. Dont be nasty just more assertive.

She sounds really immature tbh and her social skills like others have said are lacking, yes she has problems but so has everybody else and we dont all do that.

I would follow the advice to answer if she calls but not chase her. But on top of that, when she does call, I would tactfully try to change the dynamic of the relationship. So give her some time to talk about her problems. Then say something like: "I'm glad you called, I'd really appreciate a friend's opinion on this dilemma". Or if that's not relevant, say gently: "would you like to hear how things are with me?" You could either then wait for her to answer, or launch into how you are, your kids are, etc.

If she offers to buy you anything, say firmly: "that's very kind but please don't buy me that, there's no need, if you must get me a Christmas/birthday gift then something small would be lovely, but I don't expect or need presents from my friends."

If none of this changes the pattern, then phase her out. But I do think it really is worth trying to articulate problems in relationships first and trying to change them, before letting them fall by the wayside.

We had "words" yesterday over her pissing fuck buddy...he was over there and i needed to pop over and get a couple of bits id left there and give her her xmas prezzie...she said "well XXXX is here but hes leaving soon" so i said "ok well call me when hes gone and ill pop over"

I dont like, he treats her and everyoine around him like and idiot, i dont want to be in the same room as him,he talkes to me like crap and has never made an effort to get on with me despite my trying....not saying im blameless for us not getting on thouggh

She then started saying "well wahat if we get back together, am i just bever going to see you, youll never be in the same room as us...you need to make an effort etc etc"

Well why the fuck should I have to make the effort? ive tried and tried and it doesnt work!

I'm really fed up right now...not just about her etc but i dont want to be fed up of a friendship where i KNOW im being treated like and idiot...i enjoy our friendship when everythings fine!

Its my fault for letting her treat me like crap