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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was rude and a bit creepy of this photographer

74 replies

Irishchic · 23/12/2009 22:08

Bear with me, this is a bit long for an AIBU.

Two weeks ago my dd attended her first ballet display at a town 30mins drive away. There was a photgrapher there who had set up aa studio and was taking snaps of the kids for about £5 and upwards and the deal was that the pics would be sent out to you and you left your address.

Yesterday he rang me and asked did I want to come along to his studio and pick up the photos. I said that I understood they were to be posted to me and he said that he could do that, but couldnt guarantee I would have them before Xmas. I said I was fine with that as anyway I lived 30mins away and the roads are covered with snow and wouldnt travel over anyway.

Next thing, this evening, my childminder has just left, when she comes back in the front door saying that there is a guy at the door for me. I get up from the tea table where I am feeding the kids and as I am walking out into the hall he has already (without being invited in ) stepped through the porch into my hallway with the photos in his hand. I am a bit taken aback but thank him for going to the trouble of delivering them personally (although secretly think its a bit OTT) but while I am talking to him he keeps kind of looking on past my shoulder into our kitchen at the kids. I just felt odd about it, I didnt like that and I certainly didnt like him coming on into the house behind the childminder, I thought that was a bit rude and creepy.

AIBU or should I just be grateful to this guy?

OP posts:

FolornHope · 24/12/2009 16:31

god mn over hysteria

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 24/12/2009 16:34

I tend to trust my instincts. If this man made you feel uncomfortable, it's probably a good thing that you never have to see him again.

Original poster

Irishchic · 24/12/2009 16:35

And just to be clear, I never said I thought the guy was a paedophile, just that I thought his behaviour was odd, and the gesture unwarranted..and I think that it is quite rude to go marching on in to someones house before they have even had a chance to get to the front door and invite you in, or not.

I would have preferred to receive the snaps by post than to receive them that way.

OP posts:

JaneiteQuiteRight · 24/12/2009 16:35

I think you are being v unreasonable and it really doesn't seem worthy of a thread. You ordered some photographs, he delivered them. End of. Major over-reaction to post on here and major/major over-reaction from whoever suggested contacting the ballet school. Weird.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 24/12/2009 16:37

I didn't think paedophile, btw. I just think that if you're instincts are screaming 'problem!', you should listen to them.

Perhaps, as he's a photographer, he found your DC particularly photogenic? He may have wanted another look at them from that point of view?

Original poster

Irishchic · 24/12/2009 16:41

Janeite - He didnt deliver them, that's what the postman does when he drops something through your letterbox. This guy turned up unannounced and walked into my house when I was on my own with 5 young kids. I didnt even know who he was until he showed me the pictures becuase I had barely met him in the two mins it took to take my daughters photo.

If you are quite happy for a strange man to arrive in to your house to deliver something you had specifically asked to be posted out then you are obviously a much more laid back person than I am. Or you have zero gut instinct in certain situations.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 24/12/2009 16:46

Don't leave the door open with someone on the doorstep in very cold weather, less sensitive types would have stepped in out of the cold assuming that was OK.
It's not as if he sneaked around the house peering in the windows, just that his social boundaries appear to be different to yours.
Two adults in the house, he probably didn't even think he appeared threatening.

PixieOnaChristmasTree · 24/12/2009 16:47

I suggested letting the ballet school know, actually, because I've been in this particular sort of situation before and it was nearly much more serious. It was something which I found quite upsetting at the time and if I can prevent it happening to just one person, then I feel that I have taken something positive from a horrible, horrible situation.

ImSoNotTelling · 24/12/2009 16:48

People start threads on MN about all sorts of random stuff, harsh to judge the OPs thread as "not worthy". When I have seen threads on here today about how to put tin-foil round a turkey etc. MN is here for people to talk about whatever they fancy, if people aren't interested they don't post. If you aren't interested, don't post.

Personally I think it is foolish to ignore instinct re people you don't know, as do lots of others on here. Opp thought he was creepy, that's all she needs to know. She never said he was a paedophile just that he made her uncomfortable.

JaneiteQuiteRight · 24/12/2009 16:49

Erm - he gave you the photographs yes? That would seem to equal delivered. He walked into the hallway - in many areas and walks of life this is considered perfectly normal.

Tbh I would rather have 'zero gut instinct' than mistrust everybody.

Tbh when I first read your thread I thought he maybe fancied you - but as I have 'zero gut instinct' I must be wrong.

FolornHope · 24/12/2009 16:50

i had instincts towards an animated chipmunk this afternooon

ImSoNotTelling · 24/12/2009 16:54

I don't think OP does mistrust everyone. I think she found this particular man creepy and he made her uncomfortable.

Personally whenever I have followed society rules of politeness rather than my instincts about creepy men everything has gone a bit wrong.

Flame · 24/12/2009 17:02

Goblinchild - what kind of security arrangements should be in place?! Surely the purpose of opening doors is for people to come in....?

ImSoNotTelling · 24/12/2009 17:05

I have a james bond style trapdoor with a shark infested pool beneath it, just inside my front door. It works a treat. No problems with over-eager photographers round these parts.

Goblinchild · 24/12/2009 17:09

"Goblinchild - what kind of security arrangements should be in place?! Surely the purpose of opening doors is for people to come in....?"

You either open the door to a caller and invite them into the hallway, talk to them on the doorstep or close the door with them outside in order to fetch the person they want.
My elderly parents have a door with a 14" window and a grid. The window slides open, and the grid is hinged so they can chat and accept parcels and such without opening the door.
If I was worried about strangers, thieves, paedophiles, psychopaths, werewolves and the like, I wouldn't leave the door open, an unattended stranger and wander back to the children.

nothingofthesort · 24/12/2009 18:34

"I think some people's attitudes towards their child's safety are appallingly lax and I don't understand that."

And pray, what attitudes are these Pixie? Did anyone ask the OP to invite the man in to babysit her children? Did they ask her to get him to pop in round when he felt like it for a cuppa and chat? Come do a photoshoot of the kids in their PJs? As far as I see all people have said is that this means nothing if it's a one-off, she never needs even see him again etc. etc. What attitude should people take?

As for telling the ballet school, I'd be afraid of looking like a fool tbh. How do you think that would sound. "I ordered photos and the photographer hand-delivered them instead of posting it. He even looked at my children when he handed it over. Please be careful of him".

MadamDeathstare · 24/12/2009 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnastasiaRomanovLives · 24/12/2009 19:21

So these pictures cost a fiver? And you said it was absolutely fine to post them?

Yes, I think it is quite weird really. Hmmm...I am with vulpes on this one.

Out of interest - what happened next? Did he just go straight away? Were you at all tempted to ask why he went to such an effort?

PixieOnaChristmasTree · 24/12/2009 20:29

Nothingofthesort - I'm afraid I must apologise - I don't mean to sound rude, which I realise that I did now - the thread has just hit a raw nerve with me after something happened at DD's ballet school a couple of years ago which was so, so close to being very nasty. I could never have forgiven myself if what was obviously going to happen had happened. I think the attitude I am against is the attitude I, and some other parents, took at first.

I'm sorry again - I hope you didn't take too much offence.

Flame · 24/12/2009 20:47

lmao @ werewolves

cakewench · 24/12/2009 22:24

If you are not usually the sort to jump to this sort of conclusion, but this time your instinct tells you to, don't ignore it.

There's a great book called the Gift of Fear, in which the author theorizes that women are taught to suppress their instincts in order to make others happy. Now, that book deals more with abuse situations, but the essence is still there; there is no reason to allow someone to make you feel uncomfortable (or scared, or whatever) just because you're afraid of rocking the boat.

Now of course there will be some people telling me I'm leaping to some conclusion, however, I don't care. You aren't required to invite strange men into your home, regardless of why they are there. Keep trusting your instinct, I say.

nothingofthesort · 24/12/2009 22:43

No I am not offended Pixie, just responding to your points that's all!

Happy Christmas

WebDude · 30/12/2009 01:54

Seems a daft thing of him to travel, not even knowing if the OP was in at that time. She was expecting the photo to be posted, maybe (seeing as it's the time for 'goodwill to all men') he did it to be sure it was there in time for Christmas (but then again, that wasn't vital to OP anyway).

He could have put it in an envelope and put it through the door, without entering the property uninvited. I suppose the (apparently unfriendly) result would be to either (a) put chain on door, or (b) lock him out. Seems harsh, but certainly if someone comes to a home uninvited and without even phoning, it doesn't seem unreasonable, as one never knows the exact motive (and some b'stards do steal Christmas gifts, so could try to walk in on some spurious excuse).

Not at all unreasonable for disliking the way he did this. I'd go so far as to tell the ballet school too. If they "know" him then either they will feel they can trust him in future, or (eg a relative) tell him that his action was regarded with suspicion.

WebDude · 30/12/2009 02:08

(forgot to add...) For the OP - you have nothing to lose by commenting to the ballet school - it was pretty much the exact opposite of what was expected from him, and as he made no arrangement to deliver, seems to me it would do no harm to tell them.

If he has done this time and again, and
each mother felt 'it was creepy' but decided not to mention it then he could well have odd motives but the ballet school will never know unless/until something actually happened. If each person who has a "gut feeling" acted on it and said something, then the ballet school could at the very least get to hear of more than one person's anxiety and do something (like not hire him in future).

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