Struggling with past problems and termination

[JaneS]

I know this topic is controversial. I know some people may feel very angry but I would still love some opinions now.

When I was rising 19 I found I was pregnant (contraceptive failure). I was absolutely sure that the right thing to do was to have the baby. My mum's dad had just left me a substantial amount of money, so I was hoping I could manage. When I found out, my parents and my boyfriend were away, so I was on my own. I looked at childcare arrangements at the uni where I had a place and thought I could cope.

When my parents came home they were shocked (understandably). They and my boyfriend's parents got together and insisted that I should have an abortion. My GP told me that 'nice' girls like me who had been accepted to university didn't have babies and agreed with my parents that I should have an abortion. I asked about adoption; he told me if was a very bad idea. My mum decided an abortion had to be done asap and booked me in to a private clinic. I had no counseling before or after.

I know it's my fault (I was, wrongly, terrified because I knew I'd had several drinks while the end of my A Level exams, and I assumed this was why the doctors were so keen to recommend I terminate). I know it's stupid, but this was over 6 years ago, and I'm still struggling with it. I had a very bad year when the milk came through, and then a time when I got very depressed, but now I have every reason to be fine. I'm about to marry a lovely man and I feel so happy most of the time. But I have spent such a lot of the last few years really wanting a baby and feeling terrible for what I did, and I don't seem to be getting past it.

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? I still don't really have a sense of whether or not my parents'/doctor's attitudes were reasonable, or not, and it worries me. I feel as if I can't talk about how sad I felt with my parents, since my mum was very clear that she was the person who really suffered having to cope with me embarrassing her. I wish I'd had counseling but don't know if that was even meant to be available if you go private. Anyway - rambling too long!

Your parents and doctor's opinions were completely unreasonable... but that may not be why you are feeling this way.

Even if, like I was, you are certain that having a termination is the 'right thing' to do, the decision is not pain and guilt-free; quite the opposite, in fact. I struggled for years to 'get over it'- If I'm completely honest, I only forgave myself once I had my DD.

You will come to terms with it, and it will be in your own way; but I think you need to separate your feelings of guilt and loss from the feelings of (justified) anger and resentment towards your parents and GP.

I would suggest counselling now- it's never too late, and may help immensely.

I had a termination when I was 17. 23 years later I still feel guilty, but looking back there was no way I could have supported a child. I don't think it's something you fully come to terms with, but then I'm not sure if I want too be the type of person who could have just 'shrugged it off'.
Now I have a beautiful DD, and it does get easier.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I had a termination just before I turned 19 and no counselling. It took me a while to come to terms with it even though it was my decision and I have never waivered in knowing that it was the right thing to do.

It does get better and it's never too late for counselling. I did eventually do that with excellent results. There is a topic on MN for this that may be of some help to you as well.

One other thing that made me feel better was a chapter in a book called Spirit Babies. It may or may not be true (book is written by a psychic-type) but it was comforting to me.

so sorry you were pressured into such a life changing thing. you should of had support not pressure. i agree its never too late to have counselling. i had some counselling 2 years ago after having a termination 18 years ago. i wasnt pressured into it i just thought it was the right decision at the time and have paid the price ever since. hope you find some peace soon and try and enjoy your christmas for now.

I think they probably all believed they were acting in your best interests but in my opinion they were very, very wrong to bulldoze you. I am not surprised you are still struggling to come to terms with what happened. For what it's worth, I think that being treated like an idiot in a situation like that is pretty standard: when I told my GP that I was pregnant and that it was an accident, his words were "You stupid girl. You stupid, stupid girl." I was 25 and had just been offered a place at a very good university.

I have had 2 terminations and I count them among the best decisions I have ever made - but they were my decisions, and that is what is important. There is, obviously, a great deal written about abortion and regret; and - being very pro-choice - I have read a lot of it. As far as I am aware, the evidence is that there are 3 groups who are especially at risk of regretting a termination: women who are very young at the time of the abortion; women who are coerced into having the procedure; and women who decide to terminate on the grounds of serious foetal defects.

It sounds like you belong to at least one, and possibly two, of those groups. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you, and how difficult it must still be.

I really, really think you should seek counselling for this. I know what it's like to spend years and years thinking about something and never reaching a point where you are at peace with it. I think that, after 6 years, if you haven't reached that point on your own, it is a good idea to look for help in doing so. This doesn't need to blight the rest of your life. And I hope you don't need to be told that you did nothing wrong.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I guess I should look into more counseling. I didn't want to make the post too long before, but I did go to someone when I was 22. In fact, I was sent by my university, who were worried about me, but unfortunately they sent me to someone who was really awful - I don't know if he was actually a charlatan or just not very good at his job, but he totally destroyed any confidence I had. He sat totally silent (when I'd been told he'd talk to me about things) and occasionally came out with one-liners like, 'Clearly you feel you would not have been a fit mother in any situation. Can you explain why?' So after him I am a bit nervous about counselors. I just feel that I don't have any good excuse, I was just wrong.

LRD I had a termination when I was 20, and in my second year at university. Like you my parents insisted that I had an abortion and I had no counselling. It became something "not to be discussed" - partly due to embarrassment and partly, I suspect, due to it actually being very emotionally difficult for my parents.

I am 40 now and I am thinking about having some counselling because it has affected more of my life than I would like to acknowledge.

I am very sorry you have been through this too and I would really urge you to consider counselling now, and maybe even talk to your parents about it?

After 20 years I have NEVER talked to my parents about it since, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I want to.

I've also thought about contacting my then boyfriend to try and have some sort of closure because we didn;t really discuss it either - he panicked and kept out of the way while it was all going on, although we did have some contact afterwards and for a while he wanted to get back together (I refused).

What happened to your boyfriend afterwards?

I believe if I had been helped to make a decision rather than frogmarched into one, it wouldn;t have affected me in the same way, and I sense from your post very similar feelings.

It does get easier. I felt terrible for five years. Then started to feel better. Eventually 8 years later i married a lovely man. And 10 years after the termination I had ds and I felt heaps better. Still feel guilty but I realize I was a completely different person at the age of 21. I was so naive and immature. It would have been awful for the baby and me if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy. Now I have 3 lovely children and I'm v happy. I'm too busy to allow myself to dwell on feelings of guilt or what might have been. You will be ok.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Nothing to add really except I am so sorry and please do think about giving counselling another go (what a rubbish one your previous one was!). Hang in there.

LRG, guilt is never a constructive emotion. You can feel regret, and may do for the rest of your life, but to live in peace with yourself, you need to be able to let go of the guilt.

I don't, FWIW, think anyone has a right to be angry. I am totally anti-abortion, but I am not angry in the slightest. I feel for you that you had such a difficult experience, and that you felt that you had no choice in the matter.

Does your partner know about the abortion? It may help you to tell him. Secrets are often much larger because they are hidden.

Sorry x-posts.

I suppose it is important to find a counsellor who you think will be helpful...I have had mixed experiences in the past but never had counselling about this, specifically.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Nothing to add really except I am so sorry and please do think about giving counselling another go (what a rubbish one your previous one was!). Hang in there.

LRD, your counsellor sounds like a bloody idiot. I had a similar experience the first time I went to a counsellor. I was sent by my university (the first time I tried to do a degree; it was a failed attempt in the end) because I was severely depressed. His advice was that I "learn to let my hair down." Very helpful

I had a bout of counselling a couple of years ago with a woman who I really liked. I don't think it achieved any lasting change but given the state I was in at the time, I don't think that would have been possible. I just needed someone to listen to me rant and cry, and she was brilliant at that.

Do give it another go. If you have a good relationship with your GP, maybe he/she could recommend a counsellor? Or could you see if there's a counselling referral service in the town where you live? There's one in my town: you ring/email them, and tell them why you're seeking counselling, and they try and match you to a registered counsellor who has experience in that field.

Some "counsellors" are undoubtedly idiots, but there are some decent ones out there, and I really think it could be worth it to try and find one.

I agree with everything that has been said here! You were bulldozed into a decision that normally is a very hard choice to make. No counselling & very little support!

Seek counselling, Try a local woman's clinic, see if they have any available. I don't think just any counsellor will do. You need someone who deals with this on a frequent basis.

Talk here, lots have been through what you have. Myself included. Although my circs. were different. I am married, 2 children & just couldn't face another pregnancy after 2 hard ones. I had a double contraceptive failure.

You have no reason to feel guilty...so please try not to. Would it help to confront your mum? I don't think that it is right that she feels you embarrassed her, how awful for you to have to carry that around, as well as your feeling over the termination!

Look after yourself!

LRD, you need counselling. I had a termination at 17 (my own decision), 12 years ago. I tried to out put it to the back of my mind but I eventually had to face up to the fact I couldn't ignore it anymore. The straw that broke the camels back was the birth of my first child - the realisation of what I gave up years ago.

I had a year of counselling with a pregnancy loss charity. I feel now that I have acknowledged my 'baby', which was an important thing for me. It was a hard journey and it took me the depths of dispair, but I can truly say when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, which you will, it is all worth it.

Are you in Wales? If so, I could give you the charity details.

I wish you all the best.

i also had a termination, i was 16, i still feel guilty every day, especially looking at my children i have now.

But it gets easier, i now KNOW, my life wouldnt be as it is, i have a wonderfull DP and beautiful son and daughter and were moving into a lovely semi detached house in a few weeks, and amongst the guilt and the pain, im relieved in a way. If that makes sense, id recomend some council ling though. Hope your feeling better about it soon.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason!

OP, what does "I had a very bad year when the milk came through" mean?

I have read your post but not the replies. How awful for you!! Everyone totally pressured you into making the decision that THEY wanted and didn't give a damn what you wanted. It was your choice to make, not theirs. It was all about keeping them from being 'embarrassed'. Do not for one minute think that you did anything worng because you didn't. You were bullied into it

As for your mum 'suffering', I'm not going to say too much as it is your mum at the end of the day, but what a pile of shit. It is clear that you are really suffering now and you should speak to an understanding GP about it and have some more counselling. Hopefully it will help you to deal with it and you can move on and start a family with your (soon to be) DH.

I hope you get the help you need and I am really appalled on your behalf at what happened when you were 19.

Thanks everyone, so much. I've read and appreciated all that's been said, even if I haven't managed to respond by name.

It's clear I need to get proactive about the counselling. I'll try hard, and I'm glad to know it usually works.

lou - Yes, my partner knows but now you say this, I realize I should talk to him more. He is lovely but very keen for children in a very straightforward way, so I should try and articulate some of the problem.

Anchio - So sorry for your experience; thanks for sharing. My ex and I are on good terms (his current lady and I went to school together and she will be my bridesmaid, so we are close), but we reacted differently to the termination.

Differentnameforthis - A wellwoman's clinic sounds like a good bet. I did try confronting my mum, but she isn't very well and it just upset her too much. She had no idea that terminations were traumatic, she blindly believed the (rather elderly and staid) GP who said it was no worse than having a tooth filled (that was his actual comparison).

Fairycake123 - glad to know it's not just me, despite the good suggestions from other posters re. finding a helpful counselor. Telling you to 'let your hair down' - what patronizing rubbish!

Mrsboogiefairylights - I mean, I found that year tough. Although the pregnancy was terminated at 8/9 weeks, I had milk at around due dates, which was a bit of a shock and for some reason, I felt very weepy and out of control at the same time.

... Thanks again, all!

How can anyone be angry with you? You were coerced into making a decision by your parents, because they were 'embarrassed'. That makes me angry.

I had a termination five years ago. DS3 was a few months old and had been born unexpectedly with Downs Syndrome. I had split with my husband and was in a new relationship. I was pregnant becaus eof two faile dmethods of contraception. (condoms and morning after pill) DS3 had been unplanned and I really didn't feel I could have another baby when I faced such uncertainty with DS3, plus, when I had the scan (I was six weeks) they found out I was carrying twins. Much more devastating, but it did make it make a bit more sense.

I haven't had any counselling, and don't need it, but I don't think anything can prepare you for the emotions you feel afterwards. I don't feel guilt, but I do feel regret, and a great loss aswell. I would do absolutely anything to go back and change what happened, but I can't. I won't ever get over what I did, but I have come to terms with it.

I do think counselling may help you, and maybe a better GP. I think very few women take such a decision lightly, and the fact it does bother you shows what sort of person you are, and that's not a bad one.

midori, tba, I feel angry with me. I was 18 years old; I had just been given quite a large sum of money from my late grandfather. I was in a very good situation compared to most people. I can totally understand your decision, especially because you had another baby to care for and a responsibility there.

The thing is, it wasn't your decision, was it? It is one you were railroaded into by your parents. You had already made your decision to keep the baby.

I can understand why you feel angry with yourself, but regardless of your circumstances, when everyone around you is telling you you have made/are making the wrong decision, you start to doubt yourself. at any age.

I know it makes it sound very simple, but you can't change what happened, but you can chose what happens in your life from now on.

Hi LRD

As a trainee therapist I wholeheartedly agree with suggestions from others that you seek some more help on this issue. I came to therapy myself for different issues (eating disorder) but the work I have done so far has had a profound +ve impact on my life.

Can you afford to go private? If so, I encourage you to 'shop around' and find an approach and a therapist who suits you. Any therapist worth their salt knows that they can't work productively with everybody - there has to be a good fit. It's fine to ask for trial sessions and then if they aren't the person for you, just say so and try someone else.

If you're interested, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.bacp.co.uk/ has a searchable database of registered therapists.

As I said, the other thing to think about is what kind of therapy you might find helpful - there are hundreds of variations, from Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to psychoanalysis to (my own interest so I'm biased!) Gestalt...all of which have very different theories and approaches. Try reading up on a few to see if any appeals.

Hope this helps - if I can do anymore please just say.
Kawaiiko

I was expected to go to university etc, but I had a contraception failure at 16. Against the wishes of my family and the doctors, I had my DD (she is now nearly 12). I found it VERY difficult for a long time. I also had my DS1 at 20, and my DS2 at 21. My DS2 was SN, and I fell pregnant unexpectedly when he was 3. The baby I was pg with at the time had a severe life limiting condition, and I felt 'pushed' into a termination by the medical profession. I sort of coped ok with it until last year, when I had a stillborn baby boy when I was 5.5 months pg. It brought back everything I should have felt when I had the termination, and I was very very depressed about it all, and blamed myself for losing Korben, as I thought it was my fault for having had a termination previously. I have come to realise that it isn't that way, but I have had some very useful counselling from Marie Stopes. It might be worth talking to them. ((very un MN'y hugs for you))

Oh you poor thing. I agree with the others, you should talk to a counsellor about it. Don't be put off by your last one, he sounds rubbish.

It's not your fault and you weren't stupid. You were using contraception but it failed, and there's nothing that anyone can do about that. It's nothing to do with being 'stupid', and fucksocks to the GP who called another poster a 'Stupid, stupid girl'. He sounds like a right dickhead.

I think your parents handled it very badly, and you should definitely have been given counselling at the time. I honestly think that you will be able to get over this and enjoy your life with your new husband.