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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and pissed off with in laws?

43 replies

fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 12:54

My beautiful DD2 is 10 weeks old today. MIL, SIL and BIL have sent xmas pressies for DD1 but nothing for baby. I know that I should be happy that they've sent something for DD1 but I'm really hurt for DD2. Of course she doesn't know, but I feel really sad that they haven't even acknowledged that she exists. DH says IABU but I suspect that he would say that anyway because they are his family. So AIBU and precious about her and is this how second children are treated?

OP posts:
weegiemum · 23/12/2009 12:57

You are not BU

DD2 EXISTS!!!!

My dd2 was born 4 weeks before Christmas and we got presents from everyone. Its liek they gave you something recently so dont have to bother.

Arses.

She is a real person. She deserves a Christmas pressie, even if it is some nappies or a tacky christmas babygro!

ChilloHippi · 23/12/2009 12:57

YANBU at all.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/12/2009 12:58

YABU a bit. He's 10 weeks old. He won't know. Lots of my family didn't get DS xmas presents last year (he was 3mo) nor did he have a stocking. He had DH's and my xmas present early when it arrived.

Don't see it as 2nd baby syndrome - did they get you gifts when he was born? There really is no need to buy a 10 week old any sort of present. Cash for the parents towards stuff they need is always welcome at that age but by no means obligatory.

Original poster
fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 12:59

Thank you, maybe it's hormones, but I'm nearly in tears about this. Told my Mum and she rushed out to buy more presents for DD2 so that she didn't feel left out! Interestingly BIL didn't send present when she was born either, so it's not like he's thinking 'Oh we've just bought her something'.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/12/2009 13:00

Sorry - she not he.

Original poster
fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 13:01

And, I would be less upset if they had bought neither of the girls anything. It's the fact that they've bought for one and not the other.

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 23/12/2009 13:01

YANBU at all! How thoughtless of them.

My Dniece was born last week and I had bought her present before she was born!

My SIL and BIL didn't buy my DS1 a present on his 1st birthday because it was on boxing day and I was very hurt.

doggiesayswoof · 23/12/2009 13:04

YANBU

They are just being rude, and possibly tight.

When mine were tiny my mum would always ask if there was anything they would need in the next few months (because she wanted to get something useful and not just another teddy or whatever) - then she would wrap it up for them.

Baby is oblivious of course, but that's totally missing the point.

smallorange · 23/12/2009 13:06

I don't expect anything for dd3 (6 months) and haven't got her anything myself. She doesn't know it's Christmas.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 23/12/2009 13:08

Did they buy her something when she was born?

i think chrstmas presnets for a 10 week old baby are pretty pointless, just a few token gifts are sufficient.

i doi't think ot's the great snub you are feeling it is.

If they continue to not buy her stuff in future years howver you wouldn't be unresaonable.

Original poster
fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 13:09

Makes me think really petty thoughts, like I'll send the present for DD1 back with a shitty note saying 'don't buy for one and not the other!' or that I won't let DH take the girls to see them (they live out of UK). Won't do either, but makes me feel better!
Do carry a bit of baggage about BIL and SIL anyway due to past events, but expected more of MIL as she's usually nice.

OP posts:
TinselianAstra · 23/12/2009 13:10

YABU. But you have a 10-week old so you are entitled to be over-emotional.

If they left DD2's name out of your card that would be 'not acknowledging that she exists'. But why get presents for a child who is not aware of Christmas and probably doesn't even play with toys at the moment? I don't get it.

Pineapplechunks · 23/12/2009 13:10

I think YABU for being almost in tears about it, its not that big a deal is it? She has no idea so it won't make any difference to her whatsoever.

If they bought something for her when she was born then they've acknowledged her, haven't they?

If they were to buy something for her now it would be for you rather than for her.

If they don't buy her something next year or subsequent years then they're being inexplicably horrible.

YANBU, however, for being hormone riddled still and being in love with your new born and expecting everyone else to be so too.

Don't fret about it, enjoy what they've bought for DD1 with her and them because she's going to show her enjoyment like DD2 cannot yet.

TheMightyToosh · 23/12/2009 13:10

YANBU that is outrageous. I would actually bring this up with them if it were me.

I know that relationships with ILs are notoroiusly difficult and often you are better to grin and bear than to open a can of worms by confronting issues, but in this case, I myself would have something to say about it.

I would ask them directly why they bought presents for one and not the other.

Even if they are thinking that DD2 will inherit toys and clothes from DD1 and that you already have everything you need for her, that doesn't mean she doesn't exist and should never get presents of her own. We have a close family in our extended family with 2 girls, and although we have avoided buying more toys/clothes for the second baby, we have still found somehting for her Xmas pressie!!!

I would also want to bring it up now so as to nip it in the bud. What next - no 1st birthday presents?

Trifle · 23/12/2009 13:16

Jeez, get a grip. The baby is 10 weeks old, of course they have acknowledged her existence just thought it completely unnecessary to buy some useless object to confirm that. Your mother rushing out to buy more useless tat is completely over the top. I;m astonished at the number of people saying YANBU, baffles me completely.

nothingofthesort · 23/12/2009 13:18

YABU. I did this when my sister's dd3 was a couple of months old. I just genuinely forgot, which is weird because I spent time with her EVERY day . I felt terrible about it , though my sister never mentioned it or bore any grudge.

TheMightyToosh · 23/12/2009 13:19

The point is, that even if they don't want to buy more 'tat' as it has been put, they should still acknowledge their DGD at Christmas!! Put a tenner in the card or in her child trust fund if their not keen on buying an actual present.

To ignore the new baby is insulting to the whole family, IMO.

doggiesayswoof · 23/12/2009 13:25

MightyToosh I agree with you - I would ask them about it too if it was me (in a matter-of-fact way, not confrontationally)

And if I was the MIL, I would have phoned or emailed and said 'we were thinking we wouldn't get DD anything this year because she is so little, hope that's ok' - I wouldn't just send presents for one child and not say anything.

andlipsticktoo · 23/12/2009 13:25

Why does it have to be tat?

There are a million and one things you could buy and after all, it's 9 months til she will have a birthday and babies develop rather quickly in their first year.

I still think it's thoughtless.

l39 · 23/12/2009 13:29

I have a 10 week old and have told family not to give her presents this xmas. It's such a hideously expensive time (5 dcs, 10 nephews and neices) that it seems pointless to spend on someone who won't notice!

Original poster
fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 13:40

Trifle, completely agree with you about my Mum, but she is a loon! Interestingly, other BIL (also DH's brother) has bought neither girl anything, and I'm not pissed off with him at all. It's definitely the one without the other thing. But I am prepared to concede that IABU as I am quite an unreasonable person

OP posts:
dinoroar · 23/12/2009 13:41

I think possibly the more relevant issue is the age of your DD1. She has just got a new sister and it can be an adjustment with the possible involvement of jealousy.

Personally, I would have given the baby something small purely to illustrate to the older one that they are siblings and treated equally.

On my DD's first christmas (she is my younger child), I just gave her some stacking cups. DS (2) knew these stacking cups belonged to DD, but the she would probably share them with him.

Original poster
fanjolinaballerina · 23/12/2009 13:43

DD1 is 3.5 and insanely jealous! Also insanely spoilt by my loon of a mother!

OP posts:
smallorange · 23/12/2009 13:44

I agree - I have three dcs and do not expect people to buy for the baby, especially when it is such an expensive time.

Really, complaining about this is lunacy. I 'm sure she'll get something next year.

TheMightyToosh · 23/12/2009 13:53

I think if it has been agreed in advance, either the parent has suggested no presents for the baby or the GPs have called to discuss it, then that is fair enough. But to give a gift to one and not the other without explaining/discussing it is a bit insulting, which I'm sure is why the OP is hurt by it. Not BU at all, IMO.

And we're not talking a friend or a distant cousing here, these are the GPs!! Blimey - my DD will be getting more off her GPs than off me (I mean Santa) this year, and that won't change when DS arrives next year (and if it does, I shall have something to say about it!)

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