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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really want a baby even though we have very little money?

38 replies

MummikinsOopNorth · 22/12/2009 21:35

Hello all,
I am MON's good friend. I am feeling quite down so she suggested I post on here.

I have no children of my own, live alone, no partner. I have a full time job which pays very little - barely enough to cover my bills.

I desperately want a baby of my own. I lost a baby through miscarriage 7 years ago and have been, for the most, ok. Just lately though my maternal urge has become so strong. When i'm walking around the supermarket pushing the trolley, I sometimes close my eyes and pretend it's a pram with my very own precious little one inside. When I see parents going out dropping their children at school, I so want to be one of them. I read about the local parent and baby groups in the area and I want to be able to go with a baby of my very own. I'm going out of my mind in the same old, same old every single day. I just want to sit and cry when I think I have to go and do another day in the office when I'd so love to be at home with a newborn bringing my baby up, spending days loving the child, watching cartoons together under the duvet and then experiencing my little ones first day at school. I want to be a mummy. I thought of getting a willing man to father my child and if he wanted, with no ties after he got me pregnant, he could walk away, but how selfish and self-centered am I being to deny my child of being brought up with two parents? So very bloody selfish. I just want a baby.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 22/12/2009 21:38

How old are you?
Living alone and being single, I guess you're in a good position to turn things around - have you thought about retraining to work with young children?

thisisyesterday · 22/12/2009 21:40

awww i don't think it's selfish at all. I know only too well how strong the feeling of wanting a baby can be, and how when you want one it's all you can think about

I also (and i may be in a minority here) don't think that having a baby by yourself is a huge problem
don't underestimate how bloody hard it would be though.

I have a lovely friend who is gay who used a donor from america to have a baby and she has a wonderful little boy now and has done a fabulous job of bringing him up by herself.

only you can possibly know if that's actually something you really want to do though.
as for money, i think that babies really don't actually cost that much tbh. of course you can spend an awful lot on them, but you don't need to.

may i ask how old you are? are you feeling the old clock ticking?

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:41

I have no advice for you I am afraid, just wanted to say I know how you feel and it is hard. You have to do what you think is right and you seem to think it wouldn't really be right for the baby to go ahead and have one right now but only you can figure this one out.

MrsMattie · 22/12/2009 21:43

I don't think you're selfish. I was a career girl with a great lifestyle, but even in my early-mid twenties I was desperately broody and used to dream of having a baby. Broodiness is a serious thing. I've a;ways thought the word 'broody' is too flippant a word, and actually demeans that overwhelming desire to be mothers that many of us are hit with slap-bang-wallop...

How old are you? I do think that makes a difference. If you are still fairly young, I would say bide your time and wait for the right man to come along. If you're towards the end of your childbearing years, then maybe it's time to consider alternatives to the stereotypical 'find a man, get married, have babies' model...

blinks · 22/12/2009 21:43

all very understandable.

it's completely natural to want a baby so you shouldn't feel silly... and i wouldn't call it selfish either.

BUT as you probably know, you don't just get a baby... you get a toddler, a child, a teenager, an adult. you get sleepless nights, emotional strain, financial stress and physical trauma.

your baby might have needs that go beyond the average baby. you might have a difficult pregnancy and/or birth.

have you thought about how you might cope if everything didn't go smoothly? how would you cope financially/emotionally?

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:44

I disagree that babies don't cost a lot. There is so much you need to buy at first and as they get older they need more, eat more etc etc etc

thisisyesterday · 22/12/2009 21:45

but you don't have to buy stuff new.

charity shops, for free section on here, ebay, hand-me-downs

and they don't really need much. a sling/buggy, somewhere to sleep (or co-sleep for free), a few clothes.

MillyR · 22/12/2009 21:45

I don't think babies cost a lot. Older children cost a lot, but the OP's circumstances might have changed by then.

MillyR · 22/12/2009 21:47

Sling, a few clothes, umbrella pushchair when too big for sling, car seat if OP has a car.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:47

They might not have changed also. When you have little money babies do cost a lot. More so as they get older.

tw1nkley · 22/12/2009 21:49

Hello mons friend

I understand the sudden hormonal hit that you are experiencing that is making you want a baby, however, doing it by yourself could prove to be a massive mistake. Its hard bringing up kids with help, support and financial input, yes lots of women are single parents, but very few of them would choose that from the outset. If you are with a bloke who is a tosser then yes you are better of to leave and be a single parent, but being a single parent isn't the 1st choice iyswim?

As for the

"I'd so love to be at home with a newborn bringing my baby up, spending days loving the child, watching cartoons together under the duvet and then experiencing my little ones first day at school. I want to be a mummy."

I have 4 children a partner and a house to run, i don't get to live out the "mummy dream" I understand what you want and why, I've been there, and now i'm here! But reality isn't always what you expect. I get to spend very little time snuggled under duvets watching toons. ( maybe i'm just not time efficient?)

Find yourself a bloke, fall in love, Create a new life that is an expression of that love and have as much of your dream as you can get. Personally I know that if I had done it alone so to speak i would be tearing my hair out by now....

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:50

OP says she has barely enough to cover bills as it is witha full time job and when she has baby she will either have the same after going back to work or have less from leaving work and going on benifits.

LynetteScavo · 22/12/2009 21:50

I totally understand wanting to be a mummy, I've so been there....but I think you should focus on finding a partner first. Get out there and find yourself a decent bloke, and the rest should follow.

thisisyesterday · 22/12/2009 21:50

tw1nkley, that's cos you have 4! lol

i know what you mean though, but i did get that whole "living the mummy dream" thing with my first.
only because he was a very easy baby though, and we just cruised along nicely.
baby number 2 was something quite different though! lol

purplepeony · 22/12/2009 21:51

How old are you?

Unless you are pushing 40, have you given p hope of finding a partner and having your baby that way?

If you find a man who is willing to provide semen, what about his feelings? How can he just "walk away"? he might not be able to do that - or he might think he can then find out he can't.

I don't think the practical aspects of this are the real issue. You will have a biological bond with a man, you will be responsible for a child for 18 years at least.

Your baby might not be the best behaved in the world - they could be a difficult, have special needs, or anything- how would you feel then coping on your own?

What is it that you really want? to give birth? to be loved by your child( no guarantee of that), or to have a "possession" to love?

Have you thought of counselling tohelp clarify this?

MillyR · 22/12/2009 21:54

If OP is on a low wage, won't she be entitled to child tax credits that would increase her income?

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:55

I think tw1nkley speaks wisely..

I am a single mum now. I have very little money. I would not change my son for the world and I love him with all my heart but it can be so hard sometimes and difficult money wise. I have advised a few friends against going for children when they think they cant afford and aren't ready relationship wise.

Like I say though you have to make your own decisions.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 22/12/2009 21:56

Yes she will be entitled. It will help her income indeed but most likely she will end up on less money than she has now if she did it alone.

tw1nkley · 22/12/2009 22:01

thisisyesterday, you're right, I know But children are a bit like mince pies, once you open the box so to speak you can't just have one, ( oh dear, have just admitted bad mince pie self control )

Thankyou melted

thisisyesterday · 22/12/2009 22:03

yep tis true, i have three myself (so far)

Maleeka · 22/12/2009 23:05

If i'd waited till i was financially secure, i wouldnt be in the middle of the messiest house ever, with a fading xmas tree dripping pine needles all over my floor, and melted chocolate all over my sofa!.......and i wouldnt miss it for the world

Cant wait till xmas day to see their little faces light up

I cant even imagine the heartache you must have gone through after your miscarriage and i feel so sad for you, i can understand your all consuming desire for a baby.

All i'm saying, is dont get wrapped up in the dreamy baby stage, it really is hard work and although the very first "i love you mummy" will melt your heart and make you forget the sleepless nights for a few mins, you will get snapped back into reality. Do you have any family or friend support around you to help you out?

RomillyJane · 22/12/2009 23:51

oh grow up. a baby is not a baby for ever. it turns into a child and has rights of its own, not just as an extension of you.

sort your own life out - get a job you can do well in, be proud of yourself... support yourself and THEN hope to find a partner you can love and raise a family with.

ffs dont expect the state to fulfill your pipe dream and raise another kid to depend on the state

karen2205 · 23/12/2009 00:02

I'm in a somewhat similar position - I'm single and I want children and am considering conceiving alone. I have the major advantage that I'm well paid, in a career I enjoy, so I could afford to have children (and I know nearly everyone says things along the lines of not having enough money to have children and that there's never an ideal time to have children so you should just go ahead and do it anyway).

What helped me was/is thinking about things in my life I want to change/improve before I have children and taking steps to do those things. I'm working towards the goal by doing things that seem to be unrelated but are important to me.

What are you doing job wise such that you're working full time and not making much money? What opportunities have you got for promotion at work? Could you move to another employer for more money? Could you retrain for a different career? [maybe with an eye to something that will allow you to work from home/very flexibly in future]

www.choicemoms.org/ is a good place to start reading about chosing to become a single mother.

isthisregularuptheduff · 23/12/2009 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothingofthesort · 23/12/2009 00:26

YANBU to have these feelings at all. I think it's better to wait until you're financially secure first though, not even comfortable but just stable. A baby is not just all about cuteness and love, you need to put both time and money into it as well! Also, in the child's best interest I think it's better to wait until you find a suitable person, build up the relationship and then have children. They need a daddy too.