to really want a baby even though we have very little money?

[MummikinsOopNorth]

Hello all,
I am MON's good friend. I am feeling quite down so she suggested I post on here.

I have no children of my own, live alone, no partner. I have a full time job which pays very little - barely enough to cover my bills.

I desperately want a baby of my own. I lost a baby through miscarriage 7 years ago and have been, for the most, ok. Just lately though my maternal urge has become so strong. When i'm walking around the supermarket pushing the trolley, I sometimes close my eyes and pretend it's a pram with my very own precious little one inside. When I see parents going out dropping their children at school, I so want to be one of them. I read about the local parent and baby groups in the area and I want to be able to go with a baby of my very own. I'm going out of my mind in the same old, same old every single day. I just want to sit and cry when I think I have to go and do another day in the office when I'd so love to be at home with a newborn bringing my baby up, spending days loving the child, watching cartoons together under the duvet and then experiencing my little ones first day at school. I want to be a mummy. I thought of getting a willing man to father my child and if he wanted, with no ties after he got me pregnant, he could walk away, but how selfish and self-centered am I being to deny my child of being brought up with two parents? So very bloody selfish. I just want a baby.

MONs friend, you sound a lot like me!

I don't think it's selfish to deny a child two parents, alot of children only have one parent in varying situations.

If you think you can provide a happy home for a little one then go for it.

However if you're still fairly young, go into childcare, alot more fun when you can hand them back at the end of the day!!!

I had the same thoughts a you a few years ago and did seriously think about doing it alone but am so glad i didnt

I am 36 and 38 weeks pregnant now having been married for 18 months aqnd so glad i waited because i really dont think i could have managed being pregnant and working alone - my dh and mum have been such fantastic support especially the last few weeks as i can no longer drive
Also I have been lucky and had no sickness or other side effects so been healthy but even so needed support

Just thought it would give you something else to think about and i really admire anyone doing it alone i just know i couldnt

I am fiercely independant but I really would not want to have gone through pregnancy on my own (and I haven't even given birth yet !). I know some people have to because of circumstances but I would not deliberately orchestrate that situation. For example - in the early days I couldn't bear the prospect of going to a MW appointment on my own in case there was bad news and I couldn't have coped on my own as I would have just fallen apart.

Pregnancy is a surprising time and you want support for the oddest things at the oddest times. The only person that can provide this is the father - because in the middle of the night when you wake up crying because you've dreamt the baby died you can't get someone else to come round and console you.

OP I think this is completely understandable. As others ask, how old are you? As if you do have time on your hand I would strongly suggest investing time into your work and career so you are in a stronger position to provide for your child.

basically I agree with Karen2205!

having a kid is the biggest committment you make in life, and I think you owe it to them and to yourself to try and create some foundations for them

Well i went through it alone and raised my DD single handedly and the whole thing was brilliant. I loved it. In fact now that i'm married to a truly wonderful man, i still sometimes crave those golden days when it was just me and her.

So if you really feel that you're running out of time, then go for it. if you love the baby as much as you say you will then everything else will be ok.

Aww hun - I completely understand how you feel.

I'm in a similar situation but I have a partner. We both have decent jobs but struggle to make ends meet, and we're going through some stuff at the moment which basically means we might split up. I'm 32 and feel like my clock is ticking away and life is running away without me. I wanted to be married with a couple of kids by now.

I am soooo broody and everyone knows it and keep expecting me to say I'm pregnant. I've even taken on an extra job to try to clear some debt.

It's not the cost of the baby which worries me, it's having a reduced income because I don't want to be working full time while someone else looks after my baby. And yes I know they aren't babies forever.

I also have the added complication that because of a medical condition I don't know if I can have children and until I try to conceive I won't know.

I haven't really got any advice for you other than to say that others here give good advice - it is hard to be on your own with a baby so think about it very carefully and unless you're at an age where the clock is about to stop then I wouldn't do anything yet.

I don't think money should the main issue when considering children. Plenty of people on benefits have kids. You can always go part time and claim benefits/tax credits to make up the rest. And agree with others, babies are only expensive if you insist on having brand new clothing, designer prams, kitted out nurseries etc. Breastfeeding and co sleeping cost nothing. People give away prams and pushchairs on freecycle and you can pick up baby clothes for a few pence at jumble sales and charity shops.

It's difficult to advise the OP because I don't know how old she is. If she's in her 20s/early 30s then i'd advise leaving it a bit longer. I met my DH when I was 32 after a failed marriage and subsequent failed relationships and had all but given up the chance of meeting anyone decent.

But if she's older and her chances of having children are decreasing, then I would say, go for it by whatever means. I know it's probably "selfish", children probably need 2 parents, secure family home etc etc etc but I don't think anyone on here (including myself) who has children, can tell someone else not to have them if that is what that person really wants.

I really feel for you. I think, as others have said, a lot depends on your age.

However, plenty of people end up single and their baby with no father even when they started out in a relationship an cope, and if you do have a baby now whilst single, it doesn't mean you'll never meet a man and get married etc.

It is, of course, harder to have a baby if you have little (or very little) money, but it is possible, it is amazing what things people think a baby needs that it actually doesn't and also how you can cut corners yourself and save money. I was a single Mum at 19 (my partner left me) and on benefits/working part time until my son was two, and although things were extremely tight finacially, I managed, despite having PND.

I think my main concern would be that you have an idealised image in your head of what having a baby would be like and the fact it won't really be at all like that might cause you problems.

"I think my main concern would be that you have an idealised image in your head of what having a baby would be like and the fact it won't really be at all like that might cause you problems."
but that's true for most of us, single or not. you don't know the reality until you're living through it

Stealth, I agree entirely. My baby was planned and wanted and I was 29 when he was born. I thought I was prepared for the reality of motherhood until it hit me in the head ;) Theoretically, I knew it was going to be difficult, stressful, sleep deprivation, etc., but it was still a massive shock to the system. 4.5 months later I am only now getting over it

Stealth, I don't disagree, but I think the lengths the OP has gone to (imagining the trolley is a pushchair etc almost obsessively) are maybe a bit further than most of us go?

hmm true. Although I did buy baby clothes before I was even pregnant

It depends how odl you are tbh as I have double standards But I think if you are getting on wityh no sign of a nice decent man to Father your children I can understand the need to have a fling (or AI) in order to have a child.

If you are young, I would say to wait until you are a bit more secure, emotionally with a partner and financially.

But what the hell do I know? I had my first at 21 and have been happily married for 14 years so I have not walked in your shoes and would not dare judge you