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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about a No Present Request from Friend ?

46 replies

ashbrook · 22/12/2009 14:03

We are having Xmas lunch with some friends on Xmas day and yesterday I got a text message from friend to say : x - is a blanket no present rule ok". These friends have two dc's ( 4 and 2) one of whom is Dh godchild.

I am aware that my family loves the whole present thing on Xmas day and there are loads of kids and yes they get too much stuff- but the gifts are never expensive and it is always about the thought and effort and drilling into the kids that giving is better than receiving etc. Our friends are very different in how they celebrate and have asked for no presents at every birthday party for their kids so far ( which we have ignored) ! We did exchange Xmas gifts for the kids in the past however.

I feel a bit odd turning up on Christmas Day with no gifts for the kids ( really could not give a toss about my own as they will have loads and loads of stuff) and now feel a bit railroaded into the decision ( in fact I had already bought and wrapped their gifts- token gifts much less than I would have normally bought).... Also I really do not think this is about the money.

AIBUR to be upset about this....

OP posts:

NeedaNewName · 22/12/2009 14:05

You probably need to have a chat with your friend so that you can both discuss and come to a mutual decision. It is very easy to take things the wrong way over texts and emails so I think you should call her to chat

QandA · 22/12/2009 14:07

Send a message back to say that will be fine for next year, but you have already wrapped this year's presents!

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 22/12/2009 14:09

Yeah I would in future say that's fine but have this years already.
Only telling you yesterday she either assumes you do your shopping at the last minute or is a bit thoughtless not thinkining you have already taken the time and effort to do it already.

shonaspurtle · 22/12/2009 14:16

YABU a bit, but your friend is very thoughtless not to have let you know about this well in advance.

I'd go along with it and give the presents you've already bought to a Women's Refuge or similar - that way everyone wins?

MrsBadger · 22/12/2009 14:16

YANBU to be upset, esp as you have chosen and bought presents already

what YABU about is not respecting their wishes (inc ignoring previous No Presents requests), esp as you are spending Christmas Day on their turf.
It'd be like (um) taking a turkey to a veggie, or showing up laden with booze at a teetotal household, just because it's how you think Christmas should be done...

Flightattendant · 22/12/2009 14:17

Hang on a mo...if you've previously repeatedly ignored their polite requests I imagine this needs to be discussed before you fall out, or they fall out with you.

They sound like they have thought this through, but equally so have you - you need to ring up and have a chat and reach a compromise instead of asking us lot on here.

Give and take and all that.

ginormoboobs · 22/12/2009 14:20

YABU Maybe they can not afford to buy presents.
We couldn't afford presents this year (for adults). It was very embarassing when people ignored us and turned up with gifts for us
If they have repeatedly asked you not to , please stop doing it. They have their reasons so please respect that.

shonaspurtle · 22/12/2009 14:21

I've got a no-presents rule with friends because, quite frankly, I can't afford it. I always give/send birthday presents though but I can spread that throughout the year.

We visited friends at the weekend and she gave me a present for ds. I was mortified because I didn't have anything for her dcs. I'd really rather she'd just stuck to our agreement. Christmas for me is spending time with people though so the presents don't take centre stage as such.

I guess maybe she felt the same as you. It really embarrassed me though.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 22/12/2009 14:23

If you've already bought them, give them, but explain why and then respect their no present rule in the future.

It's not on to ignore them aftre they ask you not to buy them birthday presnets-unless it's done in that 'oh no don't me anything' way that you know really means 'i want a greta big expnesive surprise.'

AvadventCalendar · 22/12/2009 14:23

YABU - you've ignored their requests in past and to ignore this one too would be incredibly U.

Save the gifts you already bought for birthdays for other children in the year or give them to a women's refuge or something.

Pikelit · 22/12/2009 14:24

It's very late to receive a no presents message. But YABU in ignoring this and previous requests not to give presents. If you value your friendship you will respect their wishes.

SnowballProofMum · 22/12/2009 14:27

But are the presents not for the kids rather than the friends?

Original poster

ashbrook · 22/12/2009 14:28

We have only ever bought presents for the kids so it was never about presents for the adults- it was really a principe thing here defo not about the money I know for sure.

Anyway I just replied fine and have decided to give them to a children's charity instead- however I do feel railroaded into it. I also hope that when their kids are older that it is clear that they do not get presents from us at their parents request not because we do not want to give them a gift.

OP posts:

Pikelit · 22/12/2009 14:30

It's pedantically immaterial to base an argument around who the presents are for. The parents (the friends of OP) have requested that no presents are exchanged. Er, that's it.

SnowballProofMum · 22/12/2009 14:31

What are their reasons? We have cut down hugely on our present giving and made it clear to adults not to expect presents from us ans that we don't expect them either (for us or the kids). However if friends still choose to buy my children presents - surely it is between them and my children.

So IMHO YANBU!

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep · 22/12/2009 14:39

Your friend should have told you sooner. I decided not to buy anything for BIL/SIL but told them in November, still bought for my newphews though.

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 14:48

I think it would be incredibly selfish to ignore her request, first because you have ignored the same request in the past already.

Second because she may feel pressured to get gifts for your all and she may not be able to afford it or have the time to get them. I know I would feel very uncomfortable if somebody brought presents for us and I didn't have any to reciprocate with.

In the past I have asked my parents not to get gifts, and my mother could have written your first post, what she didn't know was that everytime she got something for then inlaws, they used to sit and comment later how much they hated them. When I tried to explain to my parents what was going on. they brushed it off saying that they couldn't see their reactions so they didn't care which was great in theory as it was ME, not them who had to deal with how offended I felt.

So, you don't know what is going on, so sorry, stick to what she wants, it may not be the traditional thing but if somebody get the trouble to text you about that, perhaps it would be nice of you to do as she wishes.

SnowballProofMum · 22/12/2009 14:52

Talk it through - you must be close if you're spending X-mas together

notwavingjustironing · 22/12/2009 14:57

YABU - To be honest, if you have already been asked not to buy gifts in the past, why would you carry on doing it?

Does it not feel more embarrassing to give gifts that have been actively discouraged than to turn up empty-handed?

I've got a similar issue with an acquaintance of mine whose DS went to nursery with my DS - they finished nursery six months ago and go to different schools, yet she is pestering me to meet up so she can give me my present and ones for the children.

I didn't in a million years to think to say to her "don't buy anything for us" as we are simply not that close.

I now feel like I have to go out and buy stuff for them, even though me and my own close friends have a pact to only buy for each other's children's birthdays.

People do have their reasons, and I think it only polite to adhere to her wishes - and you honestly don't know what people's financial circumstances are, even if you think you know them.

alicet · 22/12/2009 14:59

I think YABU in the past to not listen to their wishes to not exchange presents (or at least discuss why with them if you disagree).

However to send this text less than a week before Christmas is unreasonable of them and I would have been tempted to do as earlier posters suggested and say that too late this year as you have already bought and wrapped presents

expatinscotland · 22/12/2009 15:04

YABU.

She's told you no presents for years and you ignored the request.

YOU may love the whole present thing but she either doesn't or can't afford it.

You may not think it's expensive but to some people, it really adds up.

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 15:07

To be honest, she has asked in the past several times about the no-present rule. If they don't want presents for birthdays, it is easy to deduct they won't want them for Christmas either.

Ashbrok should have seen it coming long ago, but instead she went and buy presents yet another time.

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 15:14

BTW on my last birthday, my lovely BF went and got present for me "from" his family, many of those family members I have hardly talked to, so I have a very strong feeling he went and buy the presents himself and labeled as if they had come from his family.

I resent that a lot, as I would have not been offended if I had not got ANYTHING from them, we hardly know each other anyway. But with this, BF has put us all in the very uncomfortable position of feeling forced to get presents for everyone.

I have just spend more money in presents for his parents to keep face, than in presents for my own parents who understand that at the moment I'm going through a very bad patch financially speaking, and I feel very angry about it.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/12/2009 15:20

It's nice to give presents but if someone specifically requests you not to then it's just plain rude to ignore them.

My friend has just informed me that she's posted a pressie through for me. Lovely as it is I feel uncomfortable as I've not got her one. We don't usually exchange gifts other than for our kids' birthdays.

So whilst you feel great about giving presents the recipient just feels bloody awkward.

brandybutterfly · 22/12/2009 15:55

Yes, YABU. She has asked you for years and you still persist in buying stuff.

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