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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about a No Present Request from Friend ?

46 replies

ashbrook · 22/12/2009 14:03

We are having Xmas lunch with some friends on Xmas day and yesterday I got a text message from friend to say : x - is a blanket no present rule ok". These friends have two dc's ( 4 and 2) one of whom is Dh godchild.

I am aware that my family loves the whole present thing on Xmas day and there are loads of kids and yes they get too much stuff- but the gifts are never expensive and it is always about the thought and effort and drilling into the kids that giving is better than receiving etc. Our friends are very different in how they celebrate and have asked for no presents at every birthday party for their kids so far ( which we have ignored) ! We did exchange Xmas gifts for the kids in the past however.

I feel a bit odd turning up on Christmas Day with no gifts for the kids ( really could not give a toss about my own as they will have loads and loads of stuff) and now feel a bit railroaded into the decision ( in fact I had already bought and wrapped their gifts- token gifts much less than I would have normally bought).... Also I really do not think this is about the money.

AIBUR to be upset about this....

OP posts:

spiralqueen · 22/12/2009 16:22

Voluptua has hit the nail on the head. You might think you know their financial circumstances but you can't be sure. Giving gifts to you might also mean that they then feel obliged to give presents to other friends as well so costs can rapidly escalate.

If it has been agreed to be no presents then always stick to it. My MIL insisted last year that no presents were to be exchanged amongst the adults. Most of us didn't buy anything but one SIL and (even worse) MIL then bought for everyone which caused a great deal of embarrassment for the people who had obeyed MILs veto and upset for the SIL who gave but didn't receive. Nightmare.

OP please respect your friend's wishes.

Flightattendant · 22/12/2009 16:28

'Non consensual gifting'

gorionine · 22/12/2009 16:30

Spiralqueen, did I understand correctly? did your mil say no presents for adults and then was tho one (with sil) to buy presents for everybody? If even the person who does the equest does not follow suit, what hope is there for the rest of us?

abdnhikinginawinterwonderland · 22/12/2009 16:40

donate the ones you've already bought to a shelter and tell them you've done it in their name. My DS1's godmother does that for my two boys every year and it makes me cry it's such a nice gesture!

Also, Christmas is about more than gifts and I don't want my children to forget that so we do try to limit how many gifts they get.

Original poster

ashbrook · 22/12/2009 17:04

Ok- just to clarify - on one occasion when there DS was 1 we brought a present to his party although the invitation had requested no gifts ( so did lots of other people btw and we would have in fact looked odd if we had not- no presents for kids is very very unusual where we live ( not the UK). We have not brought gifts to another occasion where no gifts were requested.

The general run has been however that we have exchanged gifts with each other ( kids only ) at birthdays and Xmas for the last few years - no big drama or discussion or expense. We have even exchanged birthday gifts for the adults if we were out celebrating a birthday together so this was not a long standing blanket no present thing.

I was upset because a) it was last minute b) Dh was asked to be their sons godfather this year and would have liked to have given him a gift c) I think it would have been better to have the a discussion rather than a text where it was going to be very difficult to say you would like the kids to exchange. I think my position on this has some merit.

That said- it's not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, and perhaps this is all wrapped up in my feeling a bit weird not having Xmas dinner with my family for the first time.

OP posts:

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 19:01

There may be more people there, there may be a change in their economic circumstances, there may be that this is their own Christmas family tradition. You still need to respect it though.

If you feel bad about having already got presents, talk to her, explain you already have them and you would like them to have them. BUT don't talk to her about this until after Christmas.

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 19:14

YABU - it's a hard enough time as it is just now for many families struggling with money. I've also cut out alot of presents this year with friends and also some relatives because we simply cannot afford it and they have respected our wishes too and not gave us any presents in return which I'm relieved about.

Try and see it from their POV.

spiralqueen · 23/12/2009 10:56

Gorionine you did understand correctly. MIL did insist on no presents then bought stuff for everybody. She's said the same thing again this year but I get the sneaking suspicion that she's bought for everyone again. However this year the siblings have agreed amongst themselves that we are not exchanging gifts. We wait to see what happens....

curryfreak · 23/12/2009 14:39

YABU. She's made her position clear. Get over it!

ib · 23/12/2009 14:50

YABU. We hate the whole xmas-as-materialistic-orgy thing, and are bringing up ds in line with our beliefs. Ds gets very few presents a year, all from us. They are things we know he will enjoy and use for a long time, and are very good quality (often expensive). We don't have money worries, we just don't think the planet can afford to bring up yet another generation who is used to accumulating worthless stuff with no regards to the environmental impact of it all.

If other people want to buy him loads of plastic tat and get offended when we say no, then frankly that's their problem not ours.

piscesmoon · 23/12/2009 14:57

YABU - present giving gets out of hand. I think that she should have told you earlier- so you could say that you already have them- but will agree not to, from next year on.

sparklefrog · 23/12/2009 15:09

I told a friend a few months back that I don't exchange presents at xmas, because I can't afford it tbh.

Nevertheless, she went and bought both my DC a xmas present, and dropped these off last night.

I have just spent the day rushing round trying to choose 5 presents for her 5DC, which I cannot afford, and tbh, I am quite cross about it, but this particular friend is not a very close friend, and in the spirit of xmas, I don't want to appear ungrateful by reminding her that I don't 'do' xmas presents for any friends.

I have no idea whether this will set a precedent, and will have to say something before next year, but haven't a clue how else I can put it across without sounding mean.

If you are asked not to give presents for whatever reason, you should respect your friend's wishes.

Sorry, but the first thing I thought was how good a friend is someone if they cannot respect and accept their friends wishes.

piscesmoon · 23/12/2009 16:21

If they do that to me sparklefrog I bake them a cake or some mincepies etc and I hand them over unwrapped and say 'they are to wish you a happy Christmas'. I think that you have then taken time and effort, but haven't had to spend a lot of money that you can't afford.

sparklefrog · 23/12/2009 17:21

piscesmoon That is a really good idea. I will be adopting that idea if this situation should arise again.

Thanks and Merry Christmas to you.

piscesmoon · 23/12/2009 17:30

I don't think it is an entire success. Last year it happened- so this year I knew she would do the same and I got in first with my baking and said that it wasn't wrapped, it was just to wish her a happy Christmas. A few days later she handed me a present saying,'I have wrapped mine'! I lack the courage to say let's not exchange-I hope she is just going to put it down to my peculiar family customs!

ThumbleBells · 23/12/2009 17:31

I think that after your clarifying post YANBU after all - but I would phone her and explain that you have already bought gifts for the godchild, as that is part of your understanding of a godparent's involvement (mine too btw), and of course you had to buy for the other DC as well so they didn't feel left out; and what would she like you to do with them now you've bought and wrapped them? her text was a bit too late, and too thoughtless, imo.

moondog · 23/12/2009 17:40

Ashbrook, you say
'yes they get too much stuff- but the gifts are never expensive'

It's not about cost. Some people 9like me) fail to see the point of filling their houses with unneeded crap).

If as seems to be the case, you equate caring fdor someone with giving then something ,yuo need to do some serious thinking.

Why have you ignored her requests? How rude, far ruder than your imagined feelings of being different by not giving gifts.

2kidzandi · 23/12/2009 17:47

I think sometimes people foeget that yes, there are plenty of people in the world who either A)don't celebrate xmas/birthdays full stop and B)celebrate xmas and birthdays without gift giving/receiving.

If someone politely requests not to have presents brought for them, but you insist on giving it to them anyway, doesn't it render the whole point behind the gift-giving pointless? Because then it's not actually about the joy of the other person, it's solely about your personal satisfaction and joy.

I personally think Xmas is far too commercially driven and can see why some people want to teach their children the true value of spontaneous gift-giving based on the genuine spirit of gratitude, love, affection etc. Not just 'reciprocal' gift-giving which tends to put pressure and anxiety on people and be increasingly what xmas present giving is about these days.

So if you ignore their wishes you are being very unreasonable. In the nicest way

NeedaNewName · 01/01/2010 14:02

Spiralqueen - so did your MIL give gifts again thsi year?

forehead · 01/01/2010 14:54

I am surprised that so many of the posters feel the need to give presents to others , just because they have given presents to you or your dc'c. I gave presents to the children of friends and relatives, however, i would be mortified to think that they felt that they had to do the same. There are some friends who have bought presents for my dc's despite the fact that i have not done the same. I have simply thamked them, as i think that they would be offended if i went out and bought presents for their dc's.
OP i think that yabvvu, as your friends for whatever reason have said that they do not want presents. Respect their stance and get over yourself.

spiralqueen · 22/01/2010 11:18

Needanewname Yup MIL bought everyone presents but the rest of us all kept the pact so that was an improvement on the last Xmas.

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