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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to change her Christmas tradition?

47 replies

MamaVoo · 21/12/2009 08:42

My first AIBU. Sorry for the lenght of it.

MIL is French (FIL was German) and it has always been their tradition to have their Christmas meal on Christmas Eve, quite late in the evening, and then to open the presents after dinner, usually this is around midnight, and we tend to get home from their house in the early hours of Christmas Day.

When it was just adults this was fine but now our DS is 2 this arrangement is really inconvenient. MIL has suggested that we stay over at her house but I really want to be at home on Christmas morning to do stockings, presents etc (we have bought DS a Kitchen so can't take it with us). Her other suggestion was that we settle DS to sleep at her house and then just take him home whenever we go. This sounds ok but in reality if DS is disturbed in the night he never really settles again and we end up having to get up constantly all through the night so I'm not keen on that option either.

I have suggested that we either have Christmas Eve at our house (which we did last year) or that we have an earlier meal/presents at MIL house with us leaving at around 7pm. MIL prefers the second option but I can tell that she's not really happy with having to change their traditional way of doing things. I have no problem with MIL btw, we get on fine.

Keeping DS up late isn't an option as we are busy on Christmas Day celebrating at my parents house and I don't want us all to be exhausted.

I also find it a bit strange that IL's Christmas isn't at all child friendly but that's beside the point.

I feel bad that I'm asking MIL to change her traditions while DS is so young. But AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaVoo · 21/12/2009 08:44

And why is it that you just don't see spelling mistakes when previewing but notice them instantly once there's no going back?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 21/12/2009 08:46

what did they do when they had small children? What does your DP think?

fishie · 21/12/2009 08:46

i'd go along with it, 2yos at xmas are not going to keep to schedules anyway. i think it is lovely to celebrate different traditions and keep heritage going.

nickytwotimes · 21/12/2009 08:48

Hmm, I have to say that keeping my 3 yr old up more than an hour or so later than usual is normally a disaster. Some kids are more flexible, but mine is a wreck after about 9pm. And he doesn't sleep any later so is a crank the next day too.

I'd ask.

pagwatch · 21/12/2009 08:50

I think that you ILs tradition is child friendly after the child is about 5. Most children would be really excited to stay up late on christmas eve and parents won't be woken at 5am christmas morning. But your problem is that you need to be up early and active christmas day.And that you are unlucky to have a child who can't be moved - many many children just crash and then sleep through a journey home, especially after an exciting evening

You can't ask your MIL to change her tradition. Why don't you talk to her and explain exactly as you have on here. Tell her the time is difficult for you and that you want to be in your home xmas morning.

If you have a reasonable relationship and are not rude about her "non child friendly" celebration then you should be able to reach some accord. Especially as you will only have a problem for a year or two

MamaLazarou · 21/12/2009 08:53

I don't think YABU to ask MIL to have the meal a bit earlier until your DS is a bit older.

Ladymuck · 21/12/2009 08:55

I think that there must be a compromise between leaving at 7 and leaving in the wee small hours.

We have had guests who wanted us to have Christmas lunch by 12 because that was when their young children ate. But realistically there was no way I could be that organised to get everything done 3 hours earlier without having to change a lot of our traditions.

I think that it is lovely that you are able to join in both sets of Christmas celebrations fully - most people can't as they clash. I think that I would go with the disturbed sleep options and put ds to sleep if he really can't manage a late night (and I know that children that age often can't).

edam · 21/12/2009 08:59

It's a tricky one, but given ds really won't sleep if you try putting him to bed at MIL's and then lift him into the car/into bed at home, I think your solution is reasonable.

But when ds is older, I do think you ought to move more towards MIL's way of doing things, as Christmas Eve is the big event for her for legitimate reasons, being French.

Btw, dh keeps suggesting going to his mother's or sister's on Christmas Eve and I always veto it because I want to tuck an excited ds up in his own bed with his stocking, thanks very much. But they are British and it's Christmas Day that is the biggy for them, so I have no qualms about saying 'no'!

edam · 21/12/2009 09:01

Mind you, you might find ds wakes up in the night to check if FC has been anyway - you've never tried Christmas Eve at home yet, Sod's Law is probably going to apply just when you think you've got it sorted.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 21/12/2009 09:05

Good god, I don't think your MIL tradition is just kid unfriendly it's (most) adult unfriendly as well, speaking as someone who can barely keep their eyes open after 9:30pm and I am not sure why it's ok for you to be exhausted on your tradition day (i.e. Christmas day) to allow MIL tradition to take place. I am not a MIL basher, I love my MIL and can't compute most of the anti-MIL threads on here but I also do think there is a time when the older generation might just have to compromise and I think moving her tradition a bit earlier is a nice compromise, you are not saying you aren't going or aren't doing any of it just moving it to a more people friendly time.

YANBU.

gorionine · 21/12/2009 09:10

I grew up in Switzerland (French part of it, I think the German side does it on 25th) and we used to have the Christmas meal on the 24th of december as well. After the meal we would open our presents and play with them for a bit before going to Midnight mass. It was fantastic it is one night in the whole of the year I do not think it will have too many desastrous consequences. The "worst thing" that can happen is your LO to fall asleep too early and have to open his presents on the 25th like you would have wanted him too anyway

MrsTittleMouse · 21/12/2009 09:10

I think that this thread is going to be evenly split between those who have children who can drop back off to sleep, and those who don't.

Ours are in the can't-drop-off camp. We have worked long and hard to get them into a routine than ensures that they go to sleep at night. Any deviation from the routine and they are miserable and grumpy and consequently so are all around them! I wouldn't give up the routine for anything. It certainly wouldn't make for a fun Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to keep them up, which rather spoils the point.

Mine are still little though, so that's the place that my advice comes from. I am hopeful that mine will become more flexible as they get older, as Pag's children have. Could you ask your DH to explain that this isn't forever, it's just a temporary comprimise until your DS is old enough to really appreciate it? And hope that if you decide to have another child that the second will be a dream who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 09:13

YANBU - you are trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone - you haven't just refused to go. You have given her the choice of keeping the normal timetable at your house or an earlier timetable at her house - I'm sure that as you normally get on with her OK that you are worrying over nothing - speak with her again, tell her how you feel and let her pick the option that suits her the best

Original poster
MamaVoo · 21/12/2009 09:13

Thanks for all the replies. It's interesting to see the mixed response.

DP agrees that he doesn't want to sleep over or disturb son, but after that he is a bit non-commital, although I can always rely on him to back me up.

I do think it will be lovely when son is a bit older. Even next year I am sure he will understand that just because he has woken up doesn't mean that it's morning and time to get up.

I think I will talk to DH first and then either go with the risk of a disturbed night in order to make MIL happy, or go with the earlier arrangment this year.

OP posts:
chocolateorange · 21/12/2009 09:21

Just skim read thread so apologies if ive missed something but. . . your child, your traditions surely? it is neither child, nor parent friendly. What does your dh say?

it would be unfair to choose your tradition over his but if he's ok, then you should make a stand now or this will go on for years.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 09:27

MamaVoo - you said 'I can always rely on him to back me up' - go and give your DH the biggest hug or send him a nice text msg if he's at work x Call me soppy, but you only have to read half the AIBU or anything on the relationships board to know that you are a lucky girl and if you have a halfway decent relaitonship with your MIL as well, you are def in the minority around here!

Happy Christmas!!

BlueKangerooWonders · 21/12/2009 09:36

If you can stress that it's just this year, due to the un-transportablity (!) of the main present, surely she won't be upset? Traditions are lovely, but only if they work for everyone, and maybe it's time for you and dp to re-assess your traditions.

KiwiKat · 21/12/2009 09:49

A tired and grumpy child will ruin everyone's Christmas, his included, and it would be unreasonable if your MIL didn't appreciate that, although she is also perfectly within reason to be disappointed.

Original poster
MamaVoo · 21/12/2009 10:09

ChippingIn I am a lucky girl. I must try to keep that in mind when I can't get him off his bloody computer!

Thanks to those who have backed me up and to those who have given a different perspective. I think it's hard to keep a sense of perspective sometimes when it involves your own children. I am more open now to the idea of going with the flow and being optimistic that it might not be a nightmare. I will decide with DH this evening.

Happy Christmas everyone!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 10:22

LOL - I said you were lucky, I didn't say he was perfect

Have you thought about how you will feel in the years to come? It's all very well saying to your MIL that it's only this year when he is little that you want to do it slightly differently, but before you say that (and you might not even be going to! LOL), I think you should work out if you are going to be happy to do this each year, do you not feel you are going to want to have the more 'English' Christmas Eve - getting all excited about Santa coming, hanging up stockings, reading 'The Night Before Christmas' etc etc rather than the traditional french one of opening presents on Christmas Eve? I would compromise by having an early dinner at MIL's, swapping MIL's presents then home for the more English Christmas Eve... for me, Christmas is for Children and the magic of Christmas/Christmas Eve too big an ask to give up.... but that's just me

diddl · 21/12/2009 10:35

Well if MIL wants to do her meal Christmas Eve that´s fine,of course, but if it doesn´t suit OP and family, then she changes slightly for them or they don´t go?

TBH I can´t think of much worse than a big meal late Christmas Eve & then another big meal the next day.

OP, how does your husband want to celebrate?
The "English" way or his Mum´s way?

jumpyjan · 21/12/2009 10:45

I totally think YANBU and think that now that there is a child things should change to revolve around them a bit more.

We had similar suggestion of putting DD to sleep one Christmas and waking half way through the night to take her home - this would have been a nightmare and we did not do it.

I think Christmas is all about the children.

Roastchicken · 21/12/2009 11:28

YANBU. Its only for a couple of years and you've made compromise suggestions which they've accepted. All traditions have to evolve and in later years, they can do the French/German thing.

FYI - my inlaws are German. When DD was two we had the German tradition of presents after dinner on Christmas Eve. It was a disaster. DD was very tired and opened the presents without looking at them. She then got upset as other people opened their own presents as they weren't for her. An overtired toddler is no fun for anyone.

Even DH agrees that this way doesn't work for toddlers. It may be great in future years, but not at age 2.

anonacfr · 21/12/2009 12:10

We're a big French family and have always celebrated Xmas with cousins, uncle and aunts and various kids.

It's always worked quite well for us but we changed from meal/presents/midnight mass to drinks-presents-Carols by the tree/meal/midnight mass for non-parents.

We did it last year with my DD who was 2 at the time and she was fine (There were about 20 adults and various toddlers/teenagers). We had the present opening about 7 with drinks and nibbles so she and her cousins (who were about the same age) ate a little bit. We then went off to the dining room for the 'grownup' meal and she stayed with us and fell asleep on her father's knees.

As a one off (depending on your child of course) I think it's absolutely fine. I guess I never had the Xmas morning experience to compare it with but I think the evening thing can be fun for kids too. I remember as a child looking forward to the evening all day.

JodieO · 21/12/2009 12:27

I think as a family yourself now you need to do it your way and have your own family traditions. You can assume mil has done it her way for years when her dc were young and now you need to do the same in your family.

Personally I wouldn't do that even before having children as it just wouldn't feel like Christmas to me; having the dinner on Christmas eve and the presents etc. I'd be quite happy having my own usual traditions if it didn't suit others though, I wouldn't expect them to do it my way.

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