To ask MIL to change her Christmas tradition?

[MamaVoo]

My first AIBU. Sorry for the lenght of it.

MIL is French (FIL was German) and it has always been their tradition to have their Christmas meal on Christmas Eve, quite late in the evening, and then to open the presents after dinner, usually this is around midnight, and we tend to get home from their house in the early hours of Christmas Day.

When it was just adults this was fine but now our DS is 2 this arrangement is really inconvenient. MIL has suggested that we stay over at her house but I really want to be at home on Christmas morning to do stockings, presents etc (we have bought DS a Kitchen so can't take it with us). Her other suggestion was that we settle DS to sleep at her house and then just take him home whenever we go. This sounds ok but in reality if DS is disturbed in the night he never really settles again and we end up having to get up constantly all through the night so I'm not keen on that option either.

I have suggested that we either have Christmas Eve at our house (which we did last year) or that we have an earlier meal/presents at MIL house with us leaving at around 7pm. MIL prefers the second option but I can tell that she's not really happy with having to change their traditional way of doing things. I have no problem with MIL btw, we get on fine.

Keeping DS up late isn't an option as we are busy on Christmas Day celebrating at my parents house and I don't want us all to be exhausted.

I also find it a bit strange that IL's Christmas isn't at all child friendly but that's beside the point.

I feel bad that I'm asking MIL to change her traditions while DS is so young. But AIBU?

YANBU. It sounds like a lovely tradition but it won't hurt to have the meal earlier. It won't be any fun for you having an exhausted toddler that evening or the next day.

I'll show this thread to DH later. TBH his dread of a bad nights sleep is even worse than mine so he might want to stick with the early dinner option. I will feel better if it's a decision made jointly though.

As much as I would like Christmas Eve cosied up at home wrapping presents, I know that's not an option and I wouldn't expect it to be. Christmas Eve is Christmas to my DH and his family and so it has to be done and done with good grace.

As for the presents, we only do IL's presents on Christmas Eve, everyhing else is on Christmas morning so I'm not giving up any of the things that are important to me (except perhaps some sleep).

I think that it's time to do thinks the GB way. I'm not xenophobic, and it must have been lovely to have such a real insight in to the way things are done on the continent,but I totally agree with you, now that you have a young child, 'our' way is better suited to a child....

I think YABU. Not trying to mean, but I think its quite PFB ish to expect everyone elses celebrations to revolve around one toddler? I would imagine your MIL feels unimportant as you are more bothered about your own family and those celebrations than her and her traditions.
What does your DH think?

I personally couldn't do that with my 2yo, but it depends on their personality and how flexible they are with bedtime routines etc.

You could just have them over at your house again Christmas Eve, why should you have to pander to them.

I prsonally feel that families with small children should have people visit them rather than the other way around. At least if you are in your own home you can decide when they need a nap, it's their own environment and they get to see relatives. It's a win-win situation, esp on Christmas Day when they are opening all their presents.

It is another culture. It is the same in mine.

I remember when I was a child, being allowed to stay late on that night, surrounded by the extended family, was the height of the year.

Younger children were allowed to go to sleep (a quiet bedroom will always be provided), the slightly older were allowed to pretend they were asleep while the older children and the adults made noises and pretended that Santa was leaving the presents.

The big meal was on that night, and we all would meet again on Christmas day to eat the leftover of the dinner.

As I said at the beginning, it is another culture, it doesn't meant that is not child friendly, it is just different. Try to see it from the other culture point of view, for them, the need not to break the early bed time routine even in particularly special dates can be seen as antisocial, as it doesn't allow the children to be part of the social life of the family.

I understand that you want your children to be in good shape the next day to met with your family, but to be honest you can allow them to go to bed as soon as they want at your MILs house, and give them an extra couple of hours in bed the next morning, they will be just fine and with the excitement of the new toys you may not seem much difference.

It seems to me that your MIL was willing to compromise with your early leaving the day before. I understand why she is disapointed, but the important thing is that she is trying, so I will go ahead with it.

Don't forget that if you are in a "multicultural" relationship compromises need to be made in both sides, and traditions will not continue to be completely "pure".

I think you are being very reasonable and graceful about it all

Both of your traditions are equally valid and both need to be equally respected. Now you are a little family in your own right I think you need to be quite clear about that from the start. I do think your m-i-l should be able to compromise a little....

Therefore, could you come to an agreement where (once ds is a little older and able to stay up) you alternate each year? And until then, you go for pre-Christmas drinks and limited present opening and see everyone and then leave (if your dh wouldn't mind too much)?

It would be good to be able to do both, but a late Christmas eve really does impact on celebrations the next day.

I think if you and your dh can come to an agreement that suits, and then you are very clear about what you want and are not apologetic or guilty about it - just politely state how you want to play it - then all will be well ...

Good luck x

YANBU

It would break my heart if I couldn't carry on the traditions of leaving food out for Santa, putting out the stockings, reading The Night Before Christmas and getting up early in the morning to "see if he's been", then spending the morning opening the presents with the kids.

I can understand as adults why that may not be quite so important, but if you've got children then I think the adults should sit in with the children on this one day. Santa is not really for adults, is it?!

I'd have the meal early at hers with a couple of presents, take your 2 year old home to sleep properly, and the enjoy your traditions on Christmas Day.

fit in, not sit in

they have alternated already, and its MIL's turn. Not good enough though it seems.

I just find it sad that people are so adversarial and rigid about these things. Maybe the child is difficult to settle because they are always pandered to?

pooexplosion I think you are being a little unfair. My family celebrations are not more important, they simply fit in better with a small child's needs. Christmas Eve at MILs is fab and she is a much better cook than me.

I think perhaps I am a little PFBish at times in regards to my son's sleep, but that is because none of us function well when we're tired. I don't want DH or myself to be grumpy and jumping down each other's throats on Christmas day because we are shattered.

I'm not expecting everything to revolve around my toddler. If MIL was dead against any change to the day I would'nt throw a stop and refuse to go, I'd go in the evening and hope for the best.

I think we may have resolved this now anyway. I spoke to MIL earlier and mentioned that we might just stick to the old evening arrangement, but she now seems quite happy to make things earlier for a year or two and has said that she does understand why. We are a very small family and she really dotes on her only GC so I don't really think it's too big an ask.

Btw, I'm thrilled to have a bit of controversy on my first AIBU

Um, I meant alternate "late" v "early" traditions ...not necessarily locations ...and I totally "get" the other culture aspect of this ....

but one does impact on the other (especially when MamaVoo's ds is only 2) and with some dc it is unrealistic to assume that they will sleep easily and early at MIL's house and sleep late the next day. Some dc just don't adapt well to that sort of thing...

... and it can be more "selfish" to impose a miserable and whiny sleep-deprived child on everyone else

it's only for a few years .... my dd (6 yrs)would really enjoy staying up late now although she could never adapt when she was younger .... she still gets up at the crack of sparrows whatever time she goes to bed though!!

Hope it all works out reasonably happily for you ....

xposts MamaVoo - glad it is all resolving itself ... and we all love a bit of controversery here

Joyeux Noel - Happy Christmas!

I think that you might have to find your own tradition that works for you, your DH and your DS/any additional future DC.

There's no reason why their tradition is the one that has to continue into the future as your tradition.

My husband and I found that our respective families had completely different Christmas 'traditions' and it wasn't feasible to accomodate all of them so we've taken the best bits of both and made our own. That way, both sets of ILs can see elements of their traditions in ours.

I understand that if this is a 'cultural' tradition, it might feel a bit more important to observe it, but ultimately, you need to what works best for you.

Have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide!

I woudl have a quick word, but if there is the slightest resistance then back off and just go with it!

Some DCs seem to just become sleepy and pleasant if they are kept up past bedtime.

Last night, ours were up till 7.30 (age 2 and 5) and they become whining, crying screechy wrecks. They have always been that way, they aare both morning kids. So I do feel your pain!

Lovely to hear that you and MIL and meeting in the middle about this. It's important that your DS is able to experience both family traditions, but it's also important that he isn't hysterical with tiredness.

pooexplosions - my DDs are difficult to settle at midnight because they've been "pandered to"? Hahahahahahaha! Tell you what, we'll swap children for a couple of nights and you see what happens when you keep mine up past 7pm, OK?

I think I would accommodate MIL's tradition as much as possible.

My family are also bi-cultural and we have to work really hard to acknowledge the other one, but overall it is fun and adds to our lives rather than being something that gets in the way.

My kids would jump at the chance of opening their pressies of Christmas Eve.

As a compromise, could our LO have one or two little presents on CE, and then save the big ones until Christmas Day? If he happens to fall asleep, then just leave him, but if not, let him join in family celebration but don't let him get too wound up.

When I was growing up, we stayed up to see in the New Year and I don't think this ever led to grouchiness the next morning - well, at least, the adults were always in a much worse state.

My kids have a nap in the late afternoon if we know they are going to have a late night. Then they last longer and sleep ok in the night too as they are not over tired.
It's nice to have different traditions but it needs to work for you too... Here I am sitting on the fence and being no help

tittle I threw that one in as there wasn't nearly enough controversy on this thread, and an MIL at that! I can assure you, no need to swap, my own PFB was and is a brilliant, adaptable sleeper, I got a solid kick up the arse though from his 2 younger brothers though, who tag team wake me all night long.....

OP, if your family is happy to change and accomodate, all well and good, I only meant that if they were wedded to their traditions, and many are, expecting unilateral change, seemingly in favour of your own family traditions was a little unfair. Happily for you all that seems not to be the case.

I just wouldn't go personally. But I hate disrupting my kids routine at nighttime as they turn into gremlins after 8pm!

pooexplosions - ouch! We've also had the tag team experience recently. You must be the exception as all our friends who had good sleepers first time around have had better sleepers second time around. They look at us with a mixture of bemusement and pity, wondering what exactly it is that we're doing so wrong. I suppose at least they don't tell us what we should be doing. Thank goodness we struck lucky and have two brilliant eaters ("please can I have more cabbage, Mummy?") or we would be relegated to completely-useless-parent status.