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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have been apopleptic with rage at my DH, and as an afterthought my son too

36 replies

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 19:47

i just need space to have a rant...

DS, 18yrs old has aspergers. he never sees consequences and he simply doesnt know how to think ahead. this is not his fault, but its a right royal pain in the arse.

i have been in bed all weekend with a horrible bug. DS got up this morning and said he was going to visit his friend in a neighbouring town, a bus ride away.

His mobile phone is in for repair, so he didnt have a mobile with him. he said he was getting a bus home at 4.20 and would be home for dinner.

at 4pm the phone rang and woke me up from my sick bed. He had told DH that the buses had been cancelled due to bad weather and would he go and pick him up. and DH response?

HE PUT THE PHONE DOWN ON HIM. yes i know he doesnt think ahead, and DH had made a meal for him but ffs!!

I couldnt get back in touch with DS, what this meant in effect was that while DH goes off to bed without a care in the world (saying its time he learnt!!) its ME sat up worrying myself stupid, not able to get in touch with DS, not knowing where he is or if he is ok, and knowing that at some point this evening he was going to phone back and ask for a lift in freezing dangerous conditions, and it would be me who would have to turn out, in those crappy conditions, feeling very ill, to go and get him.

DH argument that DS never thinks of anyone else falls flat on its arse as DH just did exactly the same to me....he didnt think for one minute that it would be ME that faced the consequences of DHs actions in putting down the phone...i ended up lobbing my mobile phone at him. which he lobbed back.

now im not sure who to be most annoyed with. id like to leave home and leave them to it...DD is my little oasis of calm in this situation, soothingly telling me that he will be ok, that he will have gone to his friends and that he will phone me and wont have given a second thought to the chaos he has left in his wake...

so is it me being unreasonable? or should i have aimed that phone more carefully to hit him right in the fucking mouth....

OP posts:
Seabright · 20/12/2009 19:54

YANBU. Does your H actully "believe" in Aspergers, or does he think your DS is just thoughtless?

I ask because I know that not everyone believes it really exists as a condition.

Hope you have heard from him now. Do you know his mate's name/number?

GrimmaTheNome · 20/12/2009 19:56

YANBU... being caught out by the weather cancelling buses could have happened to anyone, couldn't it?

Honeypeckle · 20/12/2009 19:58

YANBU it's hardly your DS's fault the buses got cancelled!

Goblinchild · 20/12/2009 19:59

Vic, your OH is being a prat. Time your boy learned what? That public transport can't be relied upon, or his father either?
There are people being stranded all over the place at the moment, nothing to do with your lad being an Aspie.

LynetteScavo · 20/12/2009 20:01

Well, I'm not sure having Aspergers is a factor here...any 18 year old could have done the same thing.

YANBU.

Mincepiedermama · 20/12/2009 20:02

YANBU. Mouth aimage next time.

herbietea · 20/12/2009 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jux · 20/12/2009 20:05

YANBU.

Maybe your son didn't know the bus was cancelled until he got to the bus stop? Then he would have had to go back to his friend's house or found a phone box (do they still even exist?) to phone you to say he can't get home.

Why don't you get your dh's arse out of bed and send him off to pick him up? It's past 8pm; where is your son?

DaisymooSteiner · 20/12/2009 20:10

I could easily have had the same thing happen to me. How was he supposed to know that the buses had been cancelled? Your dh sounds like a twat.

Original poster
VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 20:12

yeah i should have lobbed phone harder and aimed better.

i told him if i crashed the car while on my mercy run its his bloody fault.

am now sat twiddling thumbs till DS phones back.

he will think he is in trouble. ive been sat in tears, my DH can be such a prick at times, but he wont admit its him in the wrong.

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 20/12/2009 20:13

YABU

for not hitting the fucker in the face with the phone!!

It must be terribly frustrating for you both, but i would assume (knowing very little about aspergers) that your son is potentially quite vulnerable. Teenagers are generally a pain in the arse, but we would never dream of leaving our DD without transport home if she asked, she is 19 and doesn't even live at home!!!

Original poster
VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 20:17

i just cant believe he did that. i think he thought we'd be able to just phone him back - he didnt know DS didnt have his mobile with him but even so....he isnt normally like that, he is normally patient but he does overlook DS aspergers all the bloody time, he is more like a 14 year old, and yes he is vulnerable so its totally totally pissed me off.

and he has just gone to bed and left me with the fallout.

tit.

OP posts:
Mongolia · 20/12/2009 20:19

My sympathies. I don't know what "lobbed" means but if it is is hitting your DH with the phone, I think YANBU.

I would go and hit him harder in your behalf

Mongolia · 20/12/2009 20:20

Oh... has he gone to bed (tries to think of something to get him out of here and make him pay for his sins... )

Original poster
VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 20:25

lobbed does indeed mean i threw the phone at him. but i missed, unfortunately.

which gave him opportunity to throw it back at me.

im so angry its probably a good job he has pissed of to bed.

OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 20/12/2009 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 20/12/2009 20:27

Not unreasonable at all to be furious with DH. I'd be very very angry. Not with DS though.

OrmIrian · 20/12/2009 20:29

Not admitting to being wrong is one of my DH's few major faults too. Hope you hear from DS soon. Your DH is being a stubborn twat

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 20/12/2009 20:31

YANBU. And IMO I don't think the fact that your son has aspergers is completely irrelevant in this situation.
No-one would know that the buses had been cancelled until they were ready to get their bus.

Do you know his friends name? Cna you contact him at all to put your mind at rest?

MollieO · 20/12/2009 20:31

Can't see why you are cross with your ds. It isn't his fault that the buses have been cancelled. How far is it to walk and is there an obvious route? If so I'd expect dh to go out and look for him.

slummymummy36 · 20/12/2009 20:35

YANBU!!

Bloody hell!! I would be raging at my OH if he did that!

You must be worried sick. Do you have a contact number for the friend he has visited? I would be calling.

If he is not there then I would be getting OH up and sending him on his merry way to go and look for him.

Original poster
VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 20:51

well panic over for me anyway - he has phoned from his friends and he is gonna stay there overnight and come back in the morning.

he did think he was in trouble

he sounds fine and was actually really considerate in saying he didnt want me to have to go out for him while im ill and the weather is bad. and he noticed from my voice that i was upset, sometimes i think my DH is more sodding aspergers than my son.

im really relieved, i didnt fancy turning out tonight - the conditions are bad for driving and its a good 30 min trip each way, not that DH apparently gave a monkeys. im so angry with him.

anyway, next time DS goes out ill make sure he has a phone, and that i have the contact number for where he is going. i was too ill to register any of that this morning. i hope his friends family dont mind too much, they must think we are awful.

i can climb back under the duvet now and carry on being ill...i hope ive infected DH. prat.

OP posts:
Jux · 20/12/2009 20:58

But then your dh will have man-flu and that's worse. If he's healthy tomorrow you can have a go at him for his unfeeling behaviour (sob a lot because you are soooooooo ill, you can probably get away with it!)

Hassled · 20/12/2009 21:01

"sometimes i think my DH is more sodding aspergers than my son" - is that true? Is that something that's worth exploring?

YANBU, by the way - glad your DS is OK.

Original poster
VicarInaTinselTuTu · 20/12/2009 21:08

nah he never gets man flu - he is the one who soldiers on regardless and thinks i should too. tough tits. ive got sinusitis and an upper respiratory tract infection, though ill probably have to go back to work tomorrow, if i can my head off the pillow, ive been on ABs since friday.

he isnt exactly the sympathetic type as you probably judged from this whole saga. and tomorrow it will all be forgotten by him and ill be expected to just carry on as normal. and he will still be a tit.

i can understand him having a moan about having to turn out in bad weather etc but i just cannot understand why you'd put the phone down on your child when they are in need of help. id have had a moan, but then id have gone anyway.

OP posts:
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