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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that XH is frankly deluded??

34 replies

macdoodle · 19/12/2009 21:48

Long long story, but short of it, 3 years ago he had an affair, played me and OW for 6 months, got her pregnant then me, continued to play me for another 6 months or so!
Behaved extremely badly to me, abusive very verbally, physically as well, and in retrospect on a long history of emotional and verbal abusive!
We are finally almost divorced, signed absolute papers 2 weeks ago, finances remain messy and intertwined.

Last xmas we were not together, but I let him stay xmas eve to see the DD's xmas morning and have lunch with me DD's and his parents!
On xmas eve he went to the pub all day, came home pissed, and tried to force me to have sex with him, when I forcibly refused and threatended to scream the place down (my mum and 2 DD's asleep), he stormed off "in a huff", and refused to come back on xmas day depsite me saying he could to have lunch and see the children.

Early this year I started seeing my DP, and he is now back with the OW and their DD.

He wanted to come here xmas morning and see the girls open their presents (umm the ones I have shopped for, bought, and wrapped), my mum and my DP will be here, and he remains extremely abusive verbally and has physically threatened my DP.
I told him calmly that it wasnt appropriate and he could pick the girls up after lunch and keep them overnight until the 28th, and next year we could do it the other way round!

He has just kicked off totally, ranting and raving and saying well he didnt see them last year on xmas day, and spent the day alone, and that is my fault
When I said it was only his fault, he said no it was mine "because I was fucking someone else and didnt tell him"

Really really does he believe his own shit??
Because well (a) I wasnt fucking anyone else at the time (didnt start seeing DP till Feb), not that its any of his business
(b) how does that make it ok to try and force me to have sex with him
(c) I think I was extremely reasonable to say he could have come back last year, but he decided not to (he was sulking)
(d)I havent said he cant see his DD's on xmas day, I've said he can collect them after lunch
(e) I really dont think I am being unreasonable not to want him in my house (which unfortunately is in joint names still though I am paying the mortgage), me and mum will be in pj's, DP will have to go in a different room or risk XH kicking off, it will be bloody horrible for the DD's
(f) I have offered him the same next year, so he can have them xmas eve and xmas day, and I will have them after lunch!

Aaagghhhhhhhhhh, every time I think we are moving forward we go back again!
We havent lived together for over 3 years!!!

So AIBU??Am I, do I really have to let an abusive aggressive dick (he has been arrested for attacking me, and threatended to kill DP)into my house, because it is his right "to see him children on xmas day"

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2009 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
macdoodle · 19/12/2009 21:52

Lol Stewie thanks

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2009 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FluffyPumpkins · 19/12/2009 21:56

YANBU,
you are being very fair

Original poster
macdoodle · 19/12/2009 21:57

I've told him to get his solicitor to contact mine, and switched both phones off!

The biggest joke is he seriously thinks this is all my fault "because I fucked someone else and didnt tell him", this from the man who had an affair for 6 months and then had a child with the OW while begging me to take him back!

I have a horrible feeling we are heading for an injunction, I just cant get him to leave me alone , oh I am so angry tonight, he has been working away for 2 weeks and its been lovely, we have all ben calm and happy and settled !

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/12/2009 21:58

knowing he is a bellend you need to firmly say no and mean it

don't extend your hospitality to a violent bully.frankly he doesn't deserve your company or food or the normal niceties decent folk have

"force to have sex" - do you mean attempt intimacy.god he sounds like a horror

but you need to assert self and stop letting him in your life home.be cordial,and cold but limit his opportunities

coppertop · 19/12/2009 21:59

YANBU.

It sounds as though he's just starting to realise that he's lost any power he might have had over you and is kicking up a fuss to try to get some of it back.

Stick to your guns and don't let him in.

ravenAK · 19/12/2009 22:01

Bloody hell. Of course YANBU.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 19/12/2009 22:02

macdoodle, i wouldn't tolerate it. My x was verbally and physically (and financially) abusive and controlling.

he sees the children if he takes them somewhere. park, restaurant,beech, aquarium, museum. he has to use his imagination and plan now. more than he ever had to do before.

to start off with, even though he'd treated me like shit for years, he'd had absolutely no qualms about turning up at my parents house and using it as a mediation centre... my parents won't tolerate it any more.

he does still see them, but the effort has to be HIS not mine. I don't obstruct his efforts. That's it.

Original poster
macdoodle · 19/12/2009 22:04

Thanks all, he still has this uncanny knack to actually make me feel like IABU

I will stick my ground, have got much better at it, once the finances are sorted, things will be easier I hope!

OP posts:
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/12/2009 22:13

I can't believe how reasonable you have been. He doesn't know how lucky he is. I'm shocked that he almost raped you and then tried to make you feel guilty for it. What if there hadn't been anyone else in the house?

God he's an idiot. You are being more than accomodating, he can take it or leave it.

caramelwaffle · 19/12/2009 23:37

YANBU - at all!

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 19/12/2009 23:40

This will start getting tedious, but God, you are SO not being unreasonable!

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2009 23:43

macdoodle - YANBU. At all.

I see the great advice you give to other women on here, either ones who have made the break like you, or women who are just realising that they need to leave their partners.

What would you say to them - you know that you are in the right, he is the idiot and probably delusional into the bargin. Tell him to fuck off and have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Ivykaty44 · 19/12/2009 23:44

There are some males out there that really do think everyone owes them, have no morals and think they can walk all over everyone.

Let him shout and scream and tell your solicitor not to contact you till 2010 when they get back from there Christams break.

As for letting him have the girls next year - what pissed up and asleep and ruin there xmas - think carefully about that one for your dc sake.....and talk to your sol in the ny about it

Northernlebkuchen · 19/12/2009 23:58

It is important for children to have a relationship with their father when possible BUT a father who drinks, threatens their mother, attempts rape, threatens their mother's new partner, no, he doesn't get to have that relationship and he doesn't get to continue to bully and abuse you all in the name of continuing that relationship. Stay strong and get an injunction if necessary. Your kids will be fine.

GroundHoHoHogs · 20/12/2009 00:08

macdoodle, YANBU, never. He is a thug, and a bully and a very, very poor excuse for a man. You are well shot of him.

ChippingIn · 20/12/2009 04:50

macdoodle - I can't believe you are still going through this crap with him. An injunction sounds like a start, but I'd be insisting on supervised visits as well, there's just no telling when this twat will start taking it out on the kids....

snapple · 20/12/2009 05:10

Please GET yourself and your kids a merry christmas.

Do what you need to make you and your kids feel safe at Xmas - so you can all stay in your pjs and enjoy the Xmas that they deserve.

Do not engage with him, do not let him visit you and come into your home, sort out what you need to and call the police if he EVER tries any more abuse.

I have not read all the posts - but the post from Northernlebkuchen seems to say it all.

All the very best to your mum, you and your kids.

SofiaAmes · 20/12/2009 05:20

macdoodle, I normally err on the side of dads (because my dh was so marginalized by his ex in relationship to his kids) but in this case, I think YANBU and in fact I am amazed that you are even agreeing to let the kids go to him at any point on xmas day given his drunken violent behavior the previous xmas.

Mishy1234 · 20/12/2009 08:09

YANBU at all!

I think you are being extremely tolerant and tbh if it were my XH I'd be looking to remove him from the proceedings completely.

Why should you and your DD's endure his abuse. Even if he's not being directly abusive to the children, they still have to hear it.

I would tell him to bugger off and not let him take my DD's at all given his unpredictable behaviour.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 20/12/2009 08:25

I think you are being much too nice to him and if it was me I would have no hesitation in getting an injunction . I do think children should have contact with their fathers but if they go round attempting to rape their mother and are violent then they forfeit this big time.

Under no circumstances with the current situation would I do what you are proposing for next year unless his behaviour has improved beyond recognition.

I really feel for you dealing with this and hope that you the children, your DP and Mum have a lovely time.

MummyDragon · 20/12/2009 13:35

YANBU at all. You are being VERY R in suggesting the compromise that you have. Far more reasonable than he deserves, imho.

If he tried to rape you (that is what you're saying, isn't it?) and has been violent towards your DP, is he really a suitable carer for your DDs, either now OR next Christmas?

How do your DDs feel about it, or are they too young to express an opinion yet?

Again, YANBU. I hope you have a lovely Christmas - sounds as if noone deserves it more than you.

BouncingTurtle · 20/12/2009 13:39

Oh Macdoodle No sane person could even think you are being anything but perfectly reasonable.

I am not sure I could allow someone who had been violent towards me anywhere near my house!!!

SleighGirl · 20/12/2009 13:43

YANBU

Does he have a contact order? If he doesn't I would stop facilitating conact and tell him to get one, leave the onus on him to do the leg work and offer him reasonable fixed contact through the courts.

What a nightmare, shame you didn't report him at the time for his attempted rape of you.