AIBU to think that XH is frankly deluded??

[macdoodle]

Long long story, but short of it, 3 years ago he had an affair, played me and OW for 6 months, got her pregnant then me, continued to play me for another 6 months or so!
Behaved extremely badly to me, abusive very verbally, physically as well, and in retrospect on a long history of emotional and verbal abusive!
We are finally almost divorced, signed absolute papers 2 weeks ago, finances remain messy and intertwined.

Last xmas we were not together, but I let him stay xmas eve to see the DD's xmas morning and have lunch with me DD's and his parents!
On xmas eve he went to the pub all day, came home pissed, and tried to force me to have sex with him, when I forcibly refused and threatended to scream the place down (my mum and 2 DD's asleep), he stormed off "in a huff", and refused to come back on xmas day depsite me saying he could to have lunch and see the children.

Early this year I started seeing my DP, and he is now back with the OW and their DD.

He wanted to come here xmas morning and see the girls open their presents (umm the ones I have shopped for, bought, and wrapped), my mum and my DP will be here, and he remains extremely abusive verbally and has physically threatened my DP.
I told him calmly that it wasnt appropriate and he could pick the girls up after lunch and keep them overnight until the 28th, and next year we could do it the other way round!

He has just kicked off totally, ranting and raving and saying well he didnt see them last year on xmas day, and spent the day alone, and that is my fault
When I said it was only his fault, he said no it was mine "because I was fucking someone else and didnt tell him"

Really really does he believe his own shit??
Because well (a) I wasnt fucking anyone else at the time (didnt start seeing DP till Feb), not that its any of his business
(b) how does that make it ok to try and force me to have sex with him
(c) I think I was extremely reasonable to say he could have come back last year, but he decided not to (he was sulking)
(d)I havent said he cant see his DD's on xmas day, I've said he can collect them after lunch
(e) I really dont think I am being unreasonable not to want him in my house (which unfortunately is in joint names still though I am paying the mortgage), me and mum will be in pj's, DP will have to go in a different room or risk XH kicking off, it will be bloody horrible for the DD's
(f) I have offered him the same next year, so he can have them xmas eve and xmas day, and I will have them after lunch!

Aaagghhhhhhhhhh, every time I think we are moving forward we go back again!
We havent lived together for over 3 years!!!

So AIBU??Am I, do I really have to let an abusive aggressive dick (he has been arrested for attacking me, and threatended to kill DP)into my house, because it is his right "to see him children on xmas day"

yanbu. what you've offered re:xmas and next is beyond reasonable. and he sounds warped and scarily unempathetic - if he thinks the only reason you wouldn't sleep with him was you were sleeping with someone else.

Jesus. You are being too reasonable if anything. He shouldn't be let in the door, you should inform the police every time he does something threatening, get an injunction against him and consider supervised access.

His children have the right to know their father but he has forfeited all of his rights.

It's been said enough times on this thread but I'll say it again YANBU, with bells on.

You absolutely do not have any obligation whatsoever to let this man in the house, and the way you have behaved does you credit.

YANBU.

In fact you are being very reasonable with the offer of letting him have time with the DDs and the reciprocal next year. Maybe too reasonable.

I mean he could pick them up after lunch and do a Christmas dinner with them later in the day and let them open all the presents he has bought then.

Thank you all I really do need the reassurance that IANBU - I was with a man for 10 years who basically made everything my fault, nothing I did was good enough, everything that went wrong was down to me, he took no responsibility for anything!
I would say we did have good times and I did love him very much, I used to say we were "passionate", fought all the time but made up passionately
Looking back, it was hallmark verbal and emotional abuse, he used to tell me how useless I was, what a fucking repulsive cunt I was, and then be so remorseful and tell me how much I meant to him/the only woman he ever loved/couldnt live without me, up and down up and down, subtly escalating for 10 years
No wonder my head is so messed up, we havent lived together for 3 years, but there is still a part of me that believes it is all my fault, I didnt try hard enough, love him enough, have sex enough
In my head I know this is wrong, but my heart is less sure, and I need to hear from the outside how ridiculous it all is, I have spoken to my mum, my sister, my best friend who have had years of this shit, and all say the same thing, why do I find it so hard to really believe??

I now just focus on putting the children first, and unfortunately I believe that means they do have a relationship with him, much as I would like to move 1000miles away!
My elder DD1 adores him, much as I did when we were together, I can only hope that my continuous positive reinforcement and protection/putting boundaries in place will protect them!

He took them out for a few hours this morning, I didnt say a word to him, and will leave the ball firmly in his court now, I have said what will happen and I intend to stick to it, he will not come into my house xmas morning!

I need to just say about the sex thing
I dont like to call it rape I feel like I am over reacting all the time, making it worse than it was!

Sex was a huge part of our marriage, he has a very high sex drive (as did I), but always on his terms, what he wanted, when he wanted, he once insisted on sex when DD1 could only have been a few weeks old, and was screaming in the room for a feed, he said to let her cry, obviously his needs came first

Mostly I enjoyed sex and did so willingly, but sometimes I acquiesced for a quite life, he would sulk or rant if he didnt get his way I dont in my heart believe this was rape though it certainly wasnt willingly.
The episode last xmas eve was about his sense of ownership and control and the first time I ever point blank put my foot down, FWIW at the time I wasnt seeing my DP and wasnt sleeping with anyone else, not that it would have made a difference!
He would never ever see it that way, and its something I need to move on from, but thank you all for your support, I know it is not nor ever was acceptable behaviour!

And according to him is why he had an affair, because I had put weight on, didnt want sex as much, and didnt participate fully!

jees you're well shot of that charmer. tell him it doesn't matter anymore, you're glad he had an affair, for whatever he thinks the reason is, because it means you're apart now. that'll take the wind out of his sails. he thinks he still has the power to put you down.