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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to lock DH out of the house tonight? and delete the episode of Misfits he hasn't watched yet?

35 replies

Thandeka · 19/12/2009 19:44

I probably AIBU but am furious with DH at mo.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with our first child. For some reason pregnancy hormones are making me sob - a lot. I started mat leave yesterday but won't be going back to that work (long story) so feeling all sad and weird about that and as a result knew today was going to be a bad day. This morning DH promises to take me out for breakfast to cheer me up. Then his mates call and they are in London for the day and does DH want to go meet them? This means we can't go for breakfast but okay fine for DH to go out as he was planning on catching up with his mates this weekend anyhow. So off he goes about 11am this morn.

Anyhow as the day goes on my tears and mood gets worse and text DH and want to find out what time he is back so I can have a cuddle. He texts back a nice reassuring text and says 7pm. Jolly good thinks I - aware I am being a bit hormonal and irrational but also really want to see DH as he makes everything okay again.

Anyhow I get a missed call to my mobile and is DH's number but answerphone message is DH's friend telling me they are kidnapping him tonight and hope that's okay. (blatently DH has got them to call as he knows it won't be okay but is trying to shame me into not demanding he comes home because I will be embarrassed to do that to his friends.)

So now I am livid again and very upset with DH. Basically this has been a continuous issue in our relationship for its entire duration- he gets drunk and prioritises his friends and fun over me. Now please don't get me wrong he obviously doesn't need my permission to go out with his friends and most of the time I am more than happy when he does- its just occasionally he goes out for a bit and it grows and grows into a massive bender and I don't matter any more and invariably it happens at a time I really need him. This is also scaring the shite out of me because we are having a baby in 7 weeks and what if he keeps going out and leaving me with the baby? AIBU to want to know where DH is and what time he will return and for him to stick to that? Oh and the original AIBU- shall I lock him out and delete misfits? (but the latter I probably won't as just typing all that out has calmed me down a bit!)

OP posts:
Brunettelady · 19/12/2009 19:53

You could lock the door and blame your hormones for 'not realising what you were doing' although he will wake you when he gets back. He knew how down you were and as this has been a long running thing, he has been a bit of a tit tbh.

Not really sure what to advise. Sit down and ask him if this will carry on when you have the baby. And YANBU for wanting to know roughly when he is coming back since he has already been out since 11. Try phoning him now, or will he not hear it?

scottishmummy · 19/12/2009 19:55

upon his return calmly with no shouting explain how you feel

explain you are pg and need his support.that you would really value him being a good listening ear and ally.you have stuff on your mind too

also that when he is going out could friend etc come over and be company and support for you

also do make sure you get out too

GetDownYouWillFall · 19/12/2009 19:55

You sound pretty ! Does he do this kind of thing a lot?
I think you need to sit down with him and explain that when this baby comes things are going to have to change!!
It's not going to be ok for his friends to "kidnap" him and go on a massive bender.
On the other hand, maybe he is scared by the prospect of the baby and is seeing this as a last opportunity to "go out with the lads".

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go out with his mates, but I think it's a bit unfair of him to ditch you last minute just because he's "got a better offer", especially as you needed cheering up.
hugs

pinkteddy · 19/12/2009 19:57

He needs to grow up IMO. He is acting like a teenager. Is he scared about the prospect of becoming a father? He really won't be able to do this after the baby is born. You are going to need him around. I think you have to spell out some ground rules preferably tomorrow when you have calmed down!

Thandeka · 19/12/2009 19:59

Have sent him the most furious text to end all furious texts. To be fair to him he is so much better than he used to be so the last episode like this has probably been over a year ago (as last time I got into a state when he was out (about 6months ago)- about a recent miscarriage - he actually did come home instead of staying out). But as yet no reply and know the circus started at 8. Hate his friends for their complicity in this too- he says it's because none of them ever know what they are doing or how long its going on for so if he wants to see them he has to go with the flow.... Cept he know has different responsibilities to all his friends- who still seem to live the student lifestyle despite all graduating 5 years ago!

OP posts:
TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 19/12/2009 20:03

Well, YANBU for wanting to know what time - roughly -he'll be back. Especially once your child is born, you'll not be able to just wave him bye bye and see him whenever. I think that when you're married or in a long-term relationship, and doubly so if there's a child involved, you have to work together. Acting selfishly and irresponsibly (as he has done today) just isn't an
option. It took me a long time to figure this out, and nearly cost me my marriage. I used to go out and say to dh, "I'll be hack by 8," and then roll in at 12, pissed. Not cool at all, especially when dh has to do bath and bedtime for the dc - although we only had 1, last time it happened - on his own. I didn't realise how selfish and irresponsible it was until I read threads on here from women saying how they felt when their h's did it to them.

Anyway, upshot is, YANBU to lock him out and be pissed off, but YABU to delete Misfits. It's the season finale and you finally find out what Nathan's power is!

scottishmummy · 19/12/2009 20:03

no one is coercing your partner,his behaviour isnt the responsibility of other adults.so the responsibility and accountability of actions is wholly his. yes his mates probably egg him on,but ultimately he makes the choice to stay out

Thandeka · 19/12/2009 20:03

Thing is have spelt this out so so so many times to him and every time I think he gets it but then he keeps doing it (but like I said he is better than he was). TBH it is the only issue in our relationship in all other respects he is my perfect man and our relationship is very solid and lovely but its just this is the sticking point and it really does scare me once we have the baby as well.

I know I should have done something with my friends today but tbh am a bit lonely at mo and don't really have a friend who would just get it like DH would so perhaps I rely on DH a bit much for emotional support.

OP posts:
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/12/2009 20:04

and how did your furious text to end all furious texts go?!

scottishmummy · 19/12/2009 20:06

after baby do join mum & baby groups,try get a support network of like minded folk

and no don't lock him out,it is provocative for sake of being provocative and just forces you both to argue.ups the ante too

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 19/12/2009 20:08

Just x-posted with you. I'm a little that you seem to think him coming home after you had a mc is something to be praised for, which is how it sounds. I cannot imagine a man who wouldn't come home if his wife had a mc.

I hope for your sake you can sort this out with him. I echo sm's advice, try to stay calm when you're talking to him tomorrow, don't talk to him tonight, especially don't get drawn into a text argument.

Have yourself a lovely bath and a small glass of wine, put some pillows and a duvet on the sofa so he doesn't wake you when he comes in and pamper yourself a little. Make the most of having the bed to yourself!

GetDownYouWillFall · 19/12/2009 20:08

I agree scottishmummy - join loads of baby groups. You will be amazed how many new friends you make. I was amazed at how many babies there were the same age as mine - all in our small town. I think I actually have a much stronger network of friends since having DD.
Also - don't lock him out, he might die of hypothermia!

Thandeka · 19/12/2009 20:11

right won't delete misfits (just watched it- great episode!) or lock him out. Will try and get him to understand again tomorrow. Thing is when sober- he totally gets it but after a drink his friends totally lead him astray, and yes I do need to build a support network again too. No reply to my text which actually on reflection wasn't that bad- more a "what do I need to do to make you understand that you can't keep doing this especially with a baby on the way"

OP posts:
Thandeka · 19/12/2009 20:14

no sorry Tafka I didn't explain that properly. A week or two after the miscarriage DH was out with his friends and the grief hit me like a wave and I just couldn't cope and desperately needed him- he did come home then.
He was with me throughout the whole sorry miscarriage process.

OP posts:
YerMa · 19/12/2009 20:16

My DH used to do this a lot before DD came along and even when I was pregnant. I once locked him out too So totally understand how you're feeling.

Wait until he gets up tomorrow and then have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. There's no point confronting him when he's drunk as that just lends to arguements IME.

FWIW since DD came along, he rarely goes out at all let alone stays out! He is smitten with DD, and loves being a dad. The fact that he's also tired and more skint than before probably factors too.

In fact now I pester him to go out and socialise, just to get some peace

scottishmummy · 19/12/2009 20:19

your dh friends dont lead him astray,he makes a choice to stay out.no one forces him.he isnt coerced. he knows you are 33wk pg and knows that and stays out

do stop making excuses about other folk influence. he isnt a wee boy swept along by bigger gallus boys

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 19/12/2009 20:20

How often does he do this? I know you are missing him and needing him home but I feel that it is only one night but what he should have done, and you should have expected, is for him to say he will be out late and to go out to M&S and buy you lot of lovely food, a magazine and oodles of chocolate. You could have a cosy night in and he could go out for a last hurrah.

He does need to know that things will have to change once the baby is born but you can both still have a life

RainRainGoAway · 19/12/2009 20:21

Sorry you are feeling rotten.

But...I kindof think it is around christmas, it is great that he has fun friends. Yes, you are going to have a baby but you don't have one yet so perhaps this is one of the last oppertunities for him to blow off steam.

33 weeks is not that iminant an arrival date, and you will presumably see him alot over the next couple of weeks.

I guess what I am saying is that BOTH of you enjoy your 'freedom' while you can. Go out with your friends, have fun, see films as I am fairly sure he will not be going out with his mates as much as that in the future.

I just thought I should be the voice of YABU. But, also, lots of happy thoughts coming from the home of RainRain.
Oh, and I would make sure you wake him up at 7am tomorrow with a rousing chorus of 'We wish you a merry christmas'

GoodKingWhatFreshHellLookedOut · 19/12/2009 20:22

Thandeka your DP sounds exactly like mine - one of the loveliest, kindest, most loyal men to walk the earth, but get him in a pub with a pint in his hand and it's as if the rest of the world ceases to exist. Does that sound familiar?

Listen, we have two DCs now and one thing I can almost guarantee is that he will not be the same after your baby is born. Babies have a way of rearranging peoples' priorities which no amount of furious texts can achieve

He won't change completely, but I think for women the reality and responsibility of the baby starts when they're pregnant, while for most men it doesn't really kick in until the baby is born. So right now, he hasn't experienced the massive life change that you have already had to make - no drinking, tired, giving up your job - these are all huge changes but for him life is basically no different to before, except you're a bit larger . Wait till he holds that newborn baby in his arms and see how he falls in love He probably also doesn't really realise how different you feel - his independent DP suddenly needs him a lot more and it probably hasn't sunk in.

I remember feeling really vulnerable when pregnant, because suddenly instead of knowing that if he left me I'd be devastated but would survive, I suddenly felt so desperately unable to cope without him, and it was a really difficult feeling to deal with.

Also, I don't know if your DP is like this, but with my DP is down to him basically always wanting to please people and give them what they want. So if he's with me, he'll do what I want, but in the pub with his mates, he'll do what they want. It's not about priorities, it's about making people happy, and my DP is utterly rubbish at saying No to anything.

And we were one of the first couples to have a baby, so there was a difficult period where all his mates carried on going out like they were students, and we were changing nappies etc. But now, 3 years down the line, most of them have got DCs too and life is very different.

My DP still has the odd night where he says he'll be home at 8pm and it turns out to be midnight (the danger sign is generally the words 'I'm just popping out for one' ) but he's realised that he has to be more reliable now.

I think people need to kick their heels up and let their hair down every so often, but with any luck he'll get better at making it a bit more of a planned affair, so you won't be left hanging.

Sorry, massive long post, but I've posted almost exactly what you have on so many occasions, I just wanted to share!

BTW, don't delete Misfits, it's great

RainRainGoAway · 19/12/2009 20:22

Oh lordypants - apologies for spelling!!! That is what one glass of Pinot Grigio will do to you. See - that is the extent of my fun now I have kids. Italian grape based drinks and Strictly. Help!

YerMa · 19/12/2009 20:24

I think it takes men a lot longer to adjust to potential fatherhood / imminent fatherhood than women.

Women go through the whole pregnancy so it hits them straight away, but for men essentially nothing changes for them until the baby is actually born.

I'm not making excuses for your DH, but think you do have to remind him (constantly ) how you're feeling, and what you need from him.

Thandeka · 19/12/2009 20:30

well thankfully it isn't a weekly thing, he probably goes out once a month (not so much recently as has had lots of exams etc), and to be honest most of the time I'm totally happy with it- I know he is off out and that he will be home late and all is well. We used to have the issue where his day thing would turn into an all nighter every couple of months but it has probably reduced to 6monthly if that. TBH the issue isn't so much the staying out (like I said when I know what time he is back and have advanced warning so I can make my own plans I don't have a problem) its just it invariably also coincides with him pulling something like getting his mates to call me for "permission" which really riles me plus when it is last minute it means its harder for me to make my own plans and then invariably I end up on my own in the flat at a weekend and tend to go a little bit stir crazy! (I do go out with my own friends too in fact I went out last night- back at 10.30 as promised! but these things are always planned in advance and DH knows where I am and what time I will be back)

OP posts:
Thandeka · 19/12/2009 20:34

Goodkingwhatfreshhelllookedout- what an awesome post- very reassuring thankyou. Yup I think we have the same DH (or hopefully not as that's a whole other thread!)

Perhaps I will show him this thread tomorrow to try and get him to understand where I am coming from a bit more.

Right think some ben and jerry's phish food is in order and a lie on the sofa as sitting up hurts as baby in ribs!

OP posts:
TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 19/12/2009 20:43

Ahhhh. I'm sorry I totally misread that!

Ben and Jerry's is an excellent idea!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2009 20:52

freshhell what a fantastic post, was just going to write something similar but you beat me to it

OP, I think I am quite a bit older than you so I feel qualified to give you a bit of advice

my DH used to be a bit like this...the loveliest fella, still is

but a little bit easily led^

in his 20's, even 30's he would do the "just a couple" routine, that turned into a full-on session

he did mature, he did step up when the dc's came along, cos he is a decent bloke and his mum brought him up well

now, in his 40's, he is a big boy

we both like a drink, now the dc's are growing up, and tbh the tables are turned

OP, if he is a decent bloke, he will be ok and so will you