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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD illness and ex dhs access

40 replies

shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 12:45

DD is ill, in the words of her doctor, might be swine flu, might not! ( because thats bloody helpful isnt it!) advised to keep her in warm, calpol, nurofen, fluids and stay away from anyone as probably infections.

She was meant to be with her dad this weekend for 2 nights. He has not been the most hands on dad and has only been having her since sept this year. he lives over a hour away and DD has to sleep on an air bed when she is there as its a one bed flat. Last couple of times she hasnt wanted to go to his and we have had a lot of crying etc... last time it took me all day to get her to go.

bearing this in mind, along with her illness, which has seen her with a temp of 39.1 the last 3 nights i said she wasnt going to go to see him today and that it was doubtful she would tomorrow, but maybe monday and she could stay until the tue. He has just had a massive go at me, including telling me i was making it all up so he couldnt have her. He said he is going away for 6 weeks so its selfish that she is ill. he then text me to say he will pick her up tomorrow and its tough. He plans on taking her shopping to asda with his mum.
I told him that no, i would asses how she was and would let him know and again, i was doubtful he would be seeing her tomorrow. Again i got all kinds of shit thrown at me. But then he says that he cant look after a sick child and doesnt want to get ill himself, and that if she is better mon/tue he cant have her overnight as i have comprismised so he could see her as he has other plans and doesnt see why he should change them.

Then again, in the next sentance hes saying that not seeing her is making his already bad relationshop with her worse. He hasnt seen her all of dec, he could have had her first weekend in dec but asked not to has he had plans for a work do. Apparently this is my fault.

I also said, if she was well enough to go, on no account will she be going round asda, or anywhere. She has been ill for over a week, hasnt eaten for over a week, bar a few mouthfuls. she is white as a sheet, and if he does have her it will be to take her back to his and have a quiet day at home with her. He told me to f off and that what he did with her was noone of my business.

DD is just coming up to 4.... what would you do?

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 19/12/2009 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsmincepiesharket · 19/12/2009 12:51

i woud also agree with mrsj, let him see for himself. woudl he have a go at you for expectuing to see her if sit was reversed?x

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 12:52

He cant come and assess her, - he lives over an hour away. In any case, i wont let him past the door step of the house.

he has said he doesnt want her if she is ill, - he cant look after her and cant risk being ill himself.

cant win

OP posts:
Marne · 19/12/2009 12:54

I would ask him to come and see her, tell him she's not well enough to go out (to Asda) but you are happy for him to come and visit her and spend time with her at your house.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 13:11

Im sorry - but im not letting him in my house. There is a history of domestic violence.

I said that maybe monday until tue but he complained that he has got to come down my way sunday and that that is too much driving and costs too much. I said could he not do his plans for sunday on monday and see DD after and he said no, he was not going to change things to accomate me. Actually, its to accomdate his daugher, who ( and i have just weighed her) has lost 4lbs in a week.

OP posts:
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/12/2009 13:23

Hmm.. he's violent towards you but takes your daughter for weekends? That's a little iffy in itself, surely?

I wouldn't let him take her on that temper ill or not, but the fact is, she's poorly, he can't look after her ill, it's up to him what he does when she's better. If he won't have her overnight mon/tue, she's not that important to him (considering he's going away for 6 weeks). Sod him. Tell him to grow up.

Don't get into an arguement with him. Just keep saying she is very poorly, temp of 39.1, he can't look after her and risk getting ill, it's his choice whether he has her mon/tue. If he carried on, keep repeating it.

He's going about things all wrong.

clam · 19/12/2009 13:25

So, what would happen if you just said "look, I've told you how it is. She's ill. Believe me about that or not, but she's not going out in the cold. If you're not prepared to accommodate her in your plans, then we'll just have to leave it until you can."

Will he kick off big-time? And do you care if he does?

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 13:30

you need to get tough with him......he'll get the message.

can't remember...is there a contact order/ if so,get a note from gp and cancel his access,covering yourself also

otherwise,cancel it....if he comes round,call police. stop communicating with him so much too,it gives him plenty of opportunity to bully you further.

and you can't control his contact time by saying he must keep her home,it really is up to him what he does. but i would just keep her home and communication brief

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 13:39

having thought it through and calmed down a lot i have realised he is just trying his bullying tactics on me again.

DD is ill, doctors can vouch for that. There is no contact order.

I think i will say he can see her monday day time ( providing she is well enough) if not tuesday day time. If he wont change his plans that is his problem not mine.

He is due to have her xmas eve and then later on boxing day and overnight.

If i say this, there is nothing he can do apart from get angry with me and shout - which is what he is doing already.

As usual its all about him and he puts DD last. All im trying to do is put her first. If it was me who was that ill, i would want to be at home ( well in any case, she has barley made it out of bed or off the sofa the last two days, the idea of taking her round asda is franjlt ridiclous)

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 19/12/2009 13:41

Your poor DD, and poor you.

I agree with mrsjammi, clam and tiffany ... any/all of their suggestions are great.

A poorly 4-year-old is bound to want to stay with the primary carer when she's ill, and if your ex can't understand this, well, tough.

Agree re. getting a note from the GP etc.

nannynobnobs · 19/12/2009 13:42

Wow, I feel for you. What a horrible, selfish man to have to try and work with. He sounds like he still wants to control and run the show.
You need somebody else on your side in this. GP? Social worker? Health visitor?
Definitely don't hesitate to call the police if he tries to come round though. What an ass.

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 13:56

Shes not going - shes just been coughing so much she has thrown up what little lunch ( and the first time she has actually eaten something solid since last monday) she had.

Tough - i will have to deal with the outcome. She is 4, she is ill, she needs to be at home.

he can do and say what he likes to me. Im not going to budge now.

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 19/12/2009 14:04

You're doing the right thing, well done.
Hope your DD feels better v.soon (and that you don't catch it!)

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 14:20

and shes just been sick again.

FFS - just makes me so angry that he can be so bloody selfish.

I havent left the house since tue ( well i went out thur night but my mum came and baby sat).
DD has not left the house since tue.
In the nights ive had next to no sleep.
Family have been walking dog/running errands as we were told by doc not to leave the house.

And yet, according to him, im making it all up, and selfish and a bitch.

i feel like crying, or hitting him, neither of which will do any good.....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 15:01

how do you communicate with him?

phone calls,text,email,third party?

lindy100 · 19/12/2009 15:04

Totally and Utterly - my sis is in the same situation - domestic abuse from ex husband, but courts force her to let him have the kids every other weekend

StealthPolarBear · 19/12/2009 15:08

your poor DD
does she have a good time when she's with him (and not ill)? Does she really have to see him if she genuinely doesn't want to??

Original poster
shoptilidrop · 19/12/2009 15:37

normally we communitcate by phone. I did try and get him to do it via email as he often changes things or says he said something when he didnt... or says i said something when i didnt. That way it would all be in writing.
But he just didnt reply or said he didnt get the emails i sent. he just totally refused to acknowledge them.

I think she has an ok time when she is there. He does do stuff with her, but he has no input at all when he doesnt see her ( one night every other weekend.) Plus as i said the last few times she really really hasnt wanted to go at all. Its taken me all day and a whole lot of tears and begging on her side and ive made her.
Stealth- i think she does have to see him as long as he wants to see her, fathters rights, seems he is allowed to treat her as badly as he wants and i just have to sit back and watch it happen. Makes me very angry.

Shes in bed asleep now, im still not going to let her go anywhere. I just dont know what planet he is on to think a child who is throwing up. hasnt eaten in days and has a temp of 39.1 should be on a shopping trip in asda! What sort of parental choice would that be!

OP posts:
macdoodle · 19/12/2009 15:44

TotallyandUtterly , what a completely helpless and hurtful and thoughtless comment!
Sometimes us mums with abusive twats for exes actually have no choice but to "let" them see our DC no matter how much we dont want to!
If the abusive is mostly emotional/verbal/bullying or there is no history of physical abuse to the DC it is nigh impossible to restrict contact, and this type of father takes great glee in using the DC to further control/hurt the mother!

OP I feel your pain my XH sounds exactly the same Stick your ground he is just bullying/threatening, he wont do anything!

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 15:46

he has no rights,only resposibilities. the rightds are your dd's.

i'd think about changing your number or blocking him if he is winding you up to this extent. communication doesn't have to be verbal....or tell him you'll only text or email.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/12/2009 15:48

Hardly, I don't think it's any of the things you said, thanks. I was merely stating it's not exactly going to make her comfortable sending her DD to an abusive man, least of all when he's kicking off and disregarding the DD. You've taken it the wrong way, clearly.

macdoodle · 19/12/2009 15:53

"Hmm.. he's violent towards you but takes your daughter for weekends? That's a little iffy in itself, surely?"

Maybe I took it the worng way to how you INTENDED it, but still sounds the same to me, as if the OP is somehow doing wrong by "letting" her XH have her DD!

But then this is something I am a bit oversenstive to, so I will apologise!

nannynobnobs · 19/12/2009 15:54

Why does she have to be forced to go? Doesn't her opinion count for anything in the eyes of the law?
Surely if she's crying and hates going, she shouldn't be made to go just because he wants her to?
I don't know how it works legally, can somebody clarify?
Not a pop at you in any way OP, I imagine it's horrible to have to stay in touch with him at all let alone give him your most precious thing to look after.

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 15:56

they haven't been to court so she isn't made to go....there is NO order

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 15:59

am going through courts myself with a violent ex. the children will be listened to,but courts don't tend to act on a childs wishes untill around 9/10/11 depending on maturity....my dc don't want contact with their father...the teens are respected and listened to,so no contact. ds age 7 apparently (may) have to have phone contact.