DD illness and ex dhs access

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DD is ill, in the words of her doctor, might be swine flu, might not! ( because thats bloody helpful isnt it!) advised to keep her in warm, calpol, nurofen, fluids and stay away from anyone as probably infections.

She was meant to be with her dad this weekend for 2 nights. He has not been the most hands on dad and has only been having her since sept this year. he lives over a hour away and DD has to sleep on an air bed when she is there as its a one bed flat. Last couple of times she hasnt wanted to go to his and we have had a lot of crying etc... last time it took me all day to get her to go.

bearing this in mind, along with her illness, which has seen her with a temp of 39.1 the last 3 nights i said she wasnt going to go to see him today and that it was doubtful she would tomorrow, but maybe monday and she could stay until the tue. He has just had a massive go at me, including telling me i was making it all up so he couldnt have her. He said he is going away for 6 weeks so its selfish that she is ill. he then text me to say he will pick her up tomorrow and its tough. He plans on taking her shopping to asda with his mum.
I told him that no, i would asses how she was and would let him know and again, i was doubtful he would be seeing her tomorrow. Again i got all kinds of shit thrown at me. But then he says that he cant look after a sick child and doesnt want to get ill himself, and that if she is better mon/tue he cant have her overnight as i have comprismised so he could see her as he has other plans and doesnt see why he should change them.

Then again, in the next sentance hes saying that not seeing her is making his already bad relationshop with her worse. He hasnt seen her all of dec, he could have had her first weekend in dec but asked not to has he had plans for a work do. Apparently this is my fault.

I also said, if she was well enough to go, on no account will she be going round asda, or anywhere. She has been ill for over a week, hasnt eaten for over a week, bar a few mouthfuls. she is white as a sheet, and if he does have her it will be to take her back to his and have a quiet day at home with her. He told me to f off and that what he did with her was noone of my business.

DD is just coming up to 4.... what would you do?

its a kind of 'kids don't like the dentist,but have to go for their own good' type of attitude

I think he is resentful of you being in charge here.

Telling the other parent "no you can't have your child today but I might let you on monday" is just absolutely going to make them resentful and angry.

Somehow, and I'm not saying it will be easy, but somehow you have to communicate as joint parents with joint responsibility for her rather than you telling him what will happen.

At the moment you are putting yourself right at the centre of his anger because you are trying to control what happens. However the reality is, your DD has contact with her dad and when that happens he has responsibility. If he shirks that or neglects her in some way then you can take legal steps about the contact. Until then, he must be allowed to parent her when he has her.

its a kind of "fathers have rights no matter how crap they are and fuck the mother and children"

bitter much moi??

It's not about father's or mother's rights, but about the child's right to know both parents.

No- there is no order. Last time it was horrendous and i felt like i was betraying her trust. Had me in tears.

But, my solicitor says that the courts wont listen to her as she is only 4. She will be made to go if he wants to see her.

I want her to have a good relationship with her dad more than anything, i really do. Ive a crappy one with mine and i dont want her to go through what i go through still.

But as i said, it just seems that its fathers rights, he can do what he wants and i have to pick up the pieces.

Yes, he was violent to me for years, pushing about, throwing across the room, down stairs, throwing stuff at me, threating etc....
but again, according to the solicitor, thats of no consequence and i have to let her go.

Hes off to the faulklands in just over a week, i wont have to deal with him then. She is ill, hes not having her this weekend, if shes bettet mon or tue, he can have her for a few hours. If he choses not to as it inconviences his plans thats his choice. He wont get to see a solicitor before xmas, then he is away. By the time he comes back he will have either forgotten, or can take it futher... in any case, i will have protect my childs health and wellbeing... so i dont care.

Someone has to stand up for her best interests.

But she doesn't want to see him and has to be made to go! How is that good for such a young child?

well i'm fighting this in court macdoodle....and getting somewhere too. my ex has always tried the suicide angle....and i remember his interest in the father that gassed himself and his sons and got eldest to call his mother whilst he was dying.....my ex would do that,and have now got cafcass beliebving me,and social services,and, seemingly,the judge! but i had to fight,his partner after me suffered at his hands also.

i am about to leave a message on facebook to his new partner....to warn her,he has a personality disorder,just diagnosed. i have warned 2 of his girlfriends,and both took him to court eventually for domestic violence. they didn't listen to me but they found out in the end.

we need a register for these men

"Somehow, and I'm not saying it will be easy, but somehow you have to communicate as joint parents with joint responsibility for her rather than you telling him what will happen"

You are right of course, but by god this is very hard when you have an abusive nasty controlling XH!

Of course the OP should be able to say , "DD isnt well, she's probably best at home, shall we see how she is on Monday??, Would you like to pop in here and see her for an hour"
Unfortunately with some men this is just never possible!!

I have a new tack with my XH OP, I always "ask" him what he wants rather than telling him, this way he "thinks" he is in control and more difficult for him to be nasty and abusive!

So for eg xmas! I dont want him in my house xmas day and would like my DD's here xmas morning BUT instead of saying that which he would kick off to!
I asked him "when would he like to have the DD's over xmas", and when as expected he said he wanted to come over to my house xmas morning I said that it probably wasnt the best idea as we would ALL be on edge, but he was welcome to collect them anytime after lunch and have them until the 28th (DD2's birthday including her birthday morning if he wanted ), and next year we could do it the other way round IF HE WANTED!!
I know full well he wont have them for any length of time as it will imapact on his drinking time, but I have made him feel like he is in control/deciding and so cut out the abusive calls and texts

BTW it has taken 3 years for me to be able to do this effectively

you could have this supervised in a contact centre....no need to put yourselves through this.

well, i can see your point cirr, and that is probably what the problem is.
But i did call him on tuesday to tell him of the situation and warn him that the weekend plans might need to change.

Since then i have called him daily to update him on it all. He has not called about his sick child once. Tue, wed, thur and fri he was ok and understanding about it. Today he has just gone mental at me.

How can i hand her over to him when she is puking and in the state that she is.. i just cant... not when i know he will not look after her ( he said himself he has no idea how to look after a sick child)

I also said, since mid sept she has been seeing him sort of regulary. I encourge contact, ive emails and emails and spent hours on the phone trying to get him to improve his relationship with her. or trying to get her to speak to him on the phone, or visit him.

Im not trying to stop her seeing him at all. My child is sick, shes really ill, not just a cold. He is being an arse. Im piseed off.

I think there is a difference with dealing with a normal, reasonable ex husband and a bitter, unreasonable controling ex husband.

whatever i do, i cannot win.

I should be able to say to him, shes not well, but pop round. BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. not because of me, but beacuse of him.

Its always going to be a fight until she is old enough to be listened to by the courts, and to be honest, that makes me very very sad.

Tiffany and macdoodle - well done for fighting it in court. Its still so sad though. But i do feel like you, that its the fathers can do what ever they like and the children have to pay the price. It just doesnt seem fair at all to me.

The child is sick and you've seen a doctor. You've offered to compromise, depending on the child's state of health. I don't see that the ex has any right to kick up a fuss.

thing is, in order for your child's long term best interest to be served she needs to know both parents. This is much - researched and pretty irrefutable. So in the short term perhaps it seems that she's paying the price because she's reluctant. My ds was reluctant to go to school when he was 4, it would have been so easy to keep him home and say "i'm not sending him somewhere where he's so distressed and upset". But as a parent you know that they have to go to school because ulitmately they need it for the success of their future life. Contact with both parents is like that. Incredibly important in terms of future self esteem and sense of identity.

This is my reasoning for thinking that even when ill (unless literally confined to bed with raging temp) a child should be handed over. It is in your child's interest long term, that he learns to deal with an ill child. How can he, if he's not allowed her when ill?

however and having said all that I hear what you are saying about his abusiveness and it sounds awful. Obviously if you don't trust that he won't do this to your child at some point then it's different.

And by the way your solicitor's advice is a load of cobblers. A court WILL listen to a child. They should be getting Cafcass in to assess her views so they can be heard in court. I think your solicitor needs replacing.

And you're not totally powerless. If your child really is seriously distressed by going you can stop contact - and apply to a court to have it supervised in a contact centre. I used to work in one! they can be great places.

she is confined to bed with a raging temp... and has been the last few days.

i totally agree with all you have said, see my previous posts.

This is nothing to do with stopping contact and just about him being rude, selfish and agressive about this weeks situation.

cirrhosis have you ever been in this situation, because all though your ideals are lovely in an ideal world, they smack of idealism and naivety to me!

My XH has just been working away for 2 weeks, and my DD's have been calmer, happier , more settled and less anxious than they have for years I thought it might be my stress they pick on when he is around but he has been back this morning and already they are both on edge

He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years, I can see the signs towards my DD1, life is just not the bed of roses you paint it, and in quite a lot of cases, actually contact with both parents is NOT in the best interests of the child.
And the courts and Cafcass are not easy or pleasant to go through!