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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to the funeral

35 replies

MadreInglese · 18/12/2009 11:26

Very sadly my boss's husband recently died after a long illness The funeral is next week and some people from work will be attending.

I've decided not to go as although she's been my boss for quite a long time I only actually met her husband twice very briefly. I don't feel that it's my grief IYSWIM and to me it would feel wrong to go because I would only ball my eyes out (not because personally I knew him and would miss him, but because it's just so terribly sad and I am a gulping-snotty-weeper) and that would be no support or help to anyone there. I would feel like I was intruding IYSWIM. I also think that choosing to attend a funeral is a very personal thing.

Last night at our office do a couple of the supervisors cornered me and started badgering me to change my mind and go. They got really shitty with me about it, saying I should go and one said that she was very disappointed and expected more of me and it had changed her opinion of me! I felt like they were trying to bully me into attending by making me feel guilty. I insisted that I didn't want to (tried to explain my reasons gently) but they weren't listening and the conversation finished with a sour atmosphere. Tbh I was quite pissed off that they'd gone at me like that when I don't think it's any of their business whether I go or not.

AIBU to not attend?

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 18/12/2009 11:28

Yanbu.
Your reasons for not going are entirely valid.
Your boss had family and friends who will be there for her.

deaddei · 18/12/2009 11:31

YANBU.
Going to a funeral IS a personal thing, and a card with a nice message is more than adequate.

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 18/12/2009 11:31

That's awful they tried to bully you into going, the decision to go to a funeral is totally personal. It's you whose opinion should be changed about the woman who said that to you!

I'm sure your boss wont think any differently of you if you don't go, it's a funeral not an office party.

Hassled · 18/12/2009 11:32

It really depends on your relationship with your boss rather than how well you knew the deceased. Maybe she could do with seeing some friendly faces and to know that people from work are thinking of her?

MitchyInge · 18/12/2009 11:32

I dunno

if it isn't going to be horribly distressing/inconvenient for you think it would be good to support your boss by going really

JaneS · 18/12/2009 11:32

I think it would look sycophantic and empty to go if you genuinely didn't know the man well and can't really grieve like his closer friends. Don't know why they're pestering you to go.

grumpypants · 18/12/2009 11:33

More importantly, were the supervisors acting in response to something your boss said/ thinks? If they are close to her maybe she has said she is sad that you don't seem to care? No idea how big your office is etc iyswim?

midori1999 · 18/12/2009 11:34

I probably would have shared your view until this year.

My husband is in the army, and during his tour of Afghanistan (He is 2 rifles, so if you watch the news you wuld have seen them on it/heard about them this year) his company alone lost 11 men. I didn't know many of them, nor their families, but I attended every funeral I could. Partly on behalf of my husand.

Since then I have spokent o several of the family members who all say that the numbr of people who turned out was a great support to them s it meant people supported them as well as their son, and that his death was important to people.

As I said, I know yours is a slightly different situation, but it will be nice for your boss if there is a large turnout to the funeral, and although you might not think one person makes a difference,if everyone thought like that...

Tobermory · 18/12/2009 11:39

As another poster said, the visible support of colleagues in may bring some comfort.

Not quite the same, but when my Dad died some of my colleagues came to the funeral. A couple of people had met him at my wedding but others hadn't, it meant a lot to me to, quite unexpectedly, see them in the church.

However I do think it was bang out of order for others to try and make you go.

Tobermory · 18/12/2009 11:40

A thoughtfully worded card might be an alternatve?

MamaChris · 18/12/2009 11:41

I think there are two reasons to go to funerals: to mourn the dead, and to support those who are grieving most. The second often gets overlooked, but at my parents' funerals, I know how much comfort I got from seeing how many people made an effort to attend (and to come onto the wake for just a short time). You clearly don't think you are in a position to mourn. But will it make a difference to your boss if you go? If you think it will, and you are able to go, I think you should.

But ultimately it is your decision, and certainly it is unreasonable for your supervisors to try and bully you into going.

MamaChris · 18/12/2009 11:41

onto = on to

Original poster

MadreInglese · 18/12/2009 11:43

Well I wouldn't say I'm close to my boss on a personal level, she's the office manager of about 50 of us.

She is an amazing lady and has already been in the office to see us all and thank us for the cards we've sent, I'm positive she wouldn't hold it against any of us if we didn't go, which is partly another reason for me.

It wouldn't be inconvenient or traumatic for me but I'm just such a ridiculous sobbing idiot I'd be worried about causing a scene and people trying to comfort me when I'm not the one who needs it. It just wouldn't feel right.

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 11:43

I think you go to a funeral to show support for the bereaved not necessarily because you knew the dead person well, so on that basis you should go.

Why not talk to your boss and tell her how you feel and that you want to do what she wants. No one elses business and ignore the children at work bullying you. Why care what they think of you?

Original poster

MadreInglese · 18/12/2009 11:44

I have sent a card already

OP posts:

RubysReturn · 18/12/2009 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DecorHate · 18/12/2009 11:47

I agree with MamaChris in that just because you didn't know the man personally doesn't mean you shouldn't go. But it is probably a cultural thing - in Ireland where I grew up funerals are very much community affairs and people often go as a mark of respect/to show support for the family. It is very commonplace to go to the funeral of a relative of someone you know, even if you have never met the person who has died.

I was taken aback when I moved to the UK and not a single person from my office went to a colleague's father's funeral...

hollyroger · 18/12/2009 11:47

Madre, I know what you mean, I cried so hard at my DH's Grandma's funeral that people felt they needed to comfort me, instead of DH which was utterly mortifying.

I just can't help myself, I 'feel' other people's grief too much, over-empathising, I suppose

Tortington · 18/12/2009 11:50

attending a funeral when you are not close family is less about paying respect, but showing support for the living.

so going would be to show your support for your boss - not the mourning of her dh.

however, that said - the actions of your collegues was in bad form to saythe least - and considering their actions - i think you have been backed into a corner - where this whole thing isn't about a funeral at all... but now about whether if you go - oyou are giving in to office bullies.

Original poster

MadreInglese · 18/12/2009 11:51

I will blub, most definitely

The last funeral I attended the widow asked ME if I was alright because I was gulping and couldn't catch my breath as I was trying to stop crying

I cry at sad adverts and songs. It is ridiculous and uncontrollable (I have tried!) - think Tourettes

OP posts:

NancyDrewRocks · 18/12/2009 11:53

I would go.

A funeral is often as much about the bereaved as it is the deceased and if you have a good relationship with your boss then I think you should go. Your attendance will be hugely supportive.

Whilst I think the way in which your supervisors haddled themselves was inappropriate your going is their business if they are looking out for your boss.

hollyroger · 18/12/2009 12:01

can you sit at the back and run outside if you feel yourself 'going', then at least you have been seen to be there IYKWIM..

RainRainGoAway · 18/12/2009 12:05

If you really like and respect your boss and it would support her then I think it would be lovely if you could go.
Tears are expected at a funeral. Agree with hollyroger, you can alway sit at the back and blub subtly into your hanky.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2009 12:12

Your colleagues behaviour was bang out of order - but you already know that.

I agree with those that say going to a funeral can be either about your own grief or supporting someone else - you don't need to know the deceased.

I have had a lot of deaths in my family & friends & bring all of that grief with me when I go to a funeral. I also can't help it. I went to one of the funeral of my friend's Dad and she was far more composed than I was. It was embarassing, but she needed me there & appreciated it - it was important to her that I attended. In your situation, it being a work colleague you don't know that well and you are likely to 'upstage' the family, I would also stay away, but I would send her a small token/apology for not being able to attend.

crumpette · 18/12/2009 12:14

YANBU to not attend in my opinion. I hate funerals and although support from people is welcomed at funerals by many who have lost someone close to them, I haven't felt that way myself and instead had a very quiet funeral when I lost someone close to me this year. Some people turned up that I wasn't expecting and it took me a while to adjust to them being there, in the end I was happy and I know that they went to show their support for me, but it was literally a handful of people who had been closely involved in her care. Anyone extra and I'd have felt inhibited and overwhelmed.

If your instinct is to not go then don't feel you should. Likewise if you feel your boss will appreciate your presence then don't let me put you off...

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