to not go to the funeral

[MadreInglese]

Very sadly my boss's husband recently died after a long illness The funeral is next week and some people from work will be attending.

I've decided not to go as although she's been my boss for quite a long time I only actually met her husband twice very briefly. I don't feel that it's my grief IYSWIM and to me it would feel wrong to go because I would only ball my eyes out (not because personally I knew him and would miss him, but because it's just so terribly sad and I am a gulping-snotty-weeper) and that would be no support or help to anyone there. I would feel like I was intruding IYSWIM. I also think that choosing to attend a funeral is a very personal thing.

Last night at our office do a couple of the supervisors cornered me and started badgering me to change my mind and go. They got really shitty with me about it, saying I should go and one said that she was very disappointed and expected more of me and it had changed her opinion of me! I felt like they were trying to bully me into attending by making me feel guilty. I insisted that I didn't want to (tried to explain my reasons gently) but they weren't listening and the conversation finished with a sour atmosphere. Tbh I was quite pissed off that they'd gone at me like that when I don't think it's any of their business whether I go or not.

AIBU to not attend?

Personally I would send something like a small but tasteful bunch of flowers and a carefully worded card, or even a single flower/rose and a card. I appreciated those well thought-out messages much more than people standing around watching me grieve.

YABU

You should go regardless of wether you knew him that well, it's not about you and how you are going to react.

At my Dad's funeral I was really touched that so many people came, old neighbours from years back who he has not seen for a long times, old colleagues etc.

You need to get a grip, stop being sefish and give up a couple of hours of you time to be human and support someone, boss or not, who has suffered this loss.

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and she would not come as she might cry?

You can go to the funeral to support the bereaved. You don't need to know the deceased particularly well.

I always err on the side of going to any funeral that I can (I can't get to many because I wouldn't be able to get time off work unless it was a family funeral).

You shouldn't be pressurised to go if you really don't want to, but I think you should rethink your reasons for not wanting to go. Thinking about it as not being your personal grief sounds a bit self-centered, tbh.

Some people need a lot of people at the funeral because it makes them feel like the world cares, iyswim. All those people filling the church matters. Looking around and seeing lots of faces matters.

I think you should go. Because no matter what you tell people your reasons are and they may be valid (logical) reasons, all some people will think is that you couldn't be bothered. And if it is upsetting your boss then is it worth it?

i wouldn't go. and i think your reason for not going are perfectly valid. i also agree that grief and funerals are a very personal thing. grr for your work colleagues, they do not sound nice

No one will expect you to do any supporting or centre-stage role as you fear - that's the job of her close friends and family.

Yours is just a bit-part: forming part of the crowd and showing that the wider world cares.

All you need do is turn up appropriately dressed and offer a few words of condolences.

My gut reaction would be to run a mile too, as it is uncomfortable but I think you will feel proud of yourself for doing the right thing if you can force yourself to attend.

I know she would not be upset if I didn't go, she has already sent messages and spoken to people about the funeral and said that she does not expect anyone to attend. The church will be full to bursting as they have a big family and loads of friends, I would feel that I was intruding

I'm not a selfish person and it's not that I can't be bothered, I've done what I can to show her how sorry I am - I've sent a card (in which I wrote a poem that I trawled the internet for hours to find one I felt suitable, and spent even longer thinking of what message I should write in it), they've asked for family flowers only but donations to a paliative care charity so I've made a donation and left a message on her just giving website. I will send my apologies for not going but tbh I don't care much what others think, she is the important one atm and she knows that I care and am very very sorry.

And god forbid if I should ever be in her situation I would not hold it against anyone if they did not attend for any reason.

Thankyou for all your opinions, it's obvious that it's an emotive subject, and I'm sorry for those of you who have lost people close to you

I go to funerals whenever I can because I know how important it was for me to when my DD died.

BUT I also feel strongly that people should not feel bullied into attending funerals for show.

I dont have much time for close relatives who dont go because its 'too hard for me' - yeah and its so easy for your mum/sister/brother etc. But those who dont really know the deceased or family shouldnt be forced to go if they genuinely feel its not the right thing to do.

TBH although I appreciated the amount of people at DD's funeral (I wanted the whole world to be in mourning) I still couldnt tell you who was there.

There are other ways of showing support. Some of the loudest weepers and wailers on the day are the quietest after the event when you really need friends.

How did you find out when the funeral was?

People who don't want others to attend usually don't make the effort to publicise the funeral date, e.g. advising it only narrowly or advising it afterwards. If you found out from your boss, then I would take it as an indication she would like you there even if she has wrapped it in "I don't expect anyone to attend" terms.

I was recently cajoled into attending a funeral in a "showing respect" capacity for someone I barely knew. This was because I have a leadership role in a group the deceased had done a lot for. I have since heard through the grapevine that many people said how pleased they were that our group was well-represented at the funeral. I'd been going down the "I didn't know them that well, I shouldn't intrude" route in my mind so I am very grateful to the people who cajoled me as they were right and I was wrong.