Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should be able to 'brag' about their children?

27 replies

Adair · 17/12/2009 22:51

I mean, in my idealistic? world view, all kids are fab and have their individual talents, most kids are pretty special at something.

So why can't parents say 'gosh, my Olivia is fantastic at digging sandcastles, she is really, really fast - she makes them in, like, under a minute' without other parents immediately taking it as an attack on their child who doesn't possess said skill (yet)?

My little girl is great in some areas of achievement/social skills but she can't do things that other children her age-ish can. That's life. I hope to teach her that she might be able to do things other children can, but they will know/do other things first.

My dd DOES not sleep through - even now aged 3. But it doesn't bother me, if other people say 'my baby is sleeping through aged 10 weeks' though I may be .

So AIBU to say CHILL OUT - your child is still fantastic and the BEST to you even if they can't do whatever your friend is supposedly 'bragging'about. You'd probably have something else to brag about anyway.

OP posts:
stillenacht · 17/12/2009 22:54

I think its most unpleasant when people brag. Its a very dislikeable trait imo. I tend to overcompensate and do the complete opposite - I regularly say my DS is not good at this or that when in convos with other adults (obv NEVER to his face or anywhere he can hear) as the thought of being 'braggy' would make me cringe.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2009 22:55

hear hear!

OfficiallyMe · 17/12/2009 22:55

oh im always bragging

i love it

its all i talk about in work

dont really care if anyone is interested or not, im happy

Original poster
Adair · 17/12/2009 22:56

Well, yes, exactly. So do I- always the self-deprecating comments. but WHY?
Why can't we just enjoy each other's kids?

OP posts:
EmilyStrange · 17/12/2009 23:00

I also do these self-deprecating arguments but I have started to question whether I am in fact damaging my child's confidence not that I do that in front of them but still its not a boost for any of us. The problem is that some people "brag" in a dreadful way. It is that fine line between confidence and excitement and arrogant one-up-manship. So in theory you are right OP but in practice some parents are odious.

Portofino · 17/12/2009 23:02

Bragging is not nice. Adults who brag about their own accomplishments would be slated. Why should it be different for children?

We love our dcs. WE think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Everything they do is amazing. And it is!

And other people feel the same about their DC and really couldn't give a stuff about yours.

stillenacht · 17/12/2009 23:02

Spot on EmilyStrange

inveteratenamechanger · 17/12/2009 23:05

Yes, Portofino, I completely agree. The problem is that people bragging about their DCs are often bragging about themselves by stealth:

'oh she sleeps so well BECAUSE I INTRODUCED A FAB ROUTINE'

'oh he's a great sharer BECAUSE I TAUGHT HIM'

or even worse

'oh he'll eat anything NOT LIKE YOUR FUSSY CHILD WHO'S BEEN RAISED ON FISH FINGERS'

etc etc

ShellingPeas · 17/12/2009 23:07

Yes and no. For instance my DD is artistic and very pretty but can't add two numbers together to make 10 and struggles with 'academia'. My DS is very bright but not terribly co-ordinated and can fall over when standing still. They both have strengths and weaknesses.

I don't think I'd have, or initiate a conversation saying "my DD is beautiful" or "my DS is very clever". That would be bragging and would be uncalled for but if people say "your DD is just beautiful" or "gosh your DS is clever isn't he" then I wouldn't say "oh no, he/she isn't" because it wouldn't be true.

Wanderinginawinterwonderland · 17/12/2009 23:09

I understand what you're saying with regards to "enjoying each other's kids." I like hearing about another person's child but some people take it to the extreme and go on and on and on about their own children without paying any interest to anyone else's.

It's fair enough if your interest in their child is reciprocated from them to your child but otherwise if people are just "me me me," it gets boring!

Also, some people can make others feel quite bad about their child's achievements or non-achievements.

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 17/12/2009 23:13

I agree that it's fine to accept a compliment about your children, but it's a bit unseemly to brag

EmilyStrange · 17/12/2009 23:15

Wandering I agree. My children, so far, are doing fairly well academically but this is an area of worry for many so if I were to mention their reports or parent nights I could add to anxiety which I don't want to do. I am really proud so I boast to my in-laws which gives me great satisfaction [evil grin]

Portofino · 17/12/2009 23:28

To me the correct/only response to a statement such as " Isn't your dd beautiful"
is " Do you think so? Thank you! Well I think that of course but aren't we always biased about our own...."

Portofino · 17/12/2009 23:29

Years of practice of course

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 17/12/2009 23:32

My reply to that one is more along the lines of "Luckily for her", as I grimly recall how it's saved her from my wrath on a number of occasions...

Tortington · 18/12/2009 00:34

commenting on - and bragging are two different thngs.

bragging is gauche, crass

coldtits · 18/12/2009 01:27

yes of course.

In America, far far out of my earshot.

BlackLetterDay · 18/12/2009 01:45

I remember meeting a Mum in the playground who was very boastful. She was forever going on about her advanced dd. This turned out to be a lie, her dd is average i think,i have no idea.

She was boasting to me that her dd was the best in the class at literacy and was a stage this and that for other areas.

So fecking boring and pathetic really.

Kaloki · 18/12/2009 01:53

"commenting on - and bragging are two different thngs.

bragging is gauche, crass"

Definitely. I'm already storing up a load of retorts for if/when I am faced by bragging parents.

ToFalalalola · 18/12/2009 03:05

Of course you can brag about your children in the privacy of you own home/family. Even occasionally when your children can overhear you 'by accident' as a self-esteem boost for them.

But definitely not to people outside the immediate family, beacause they don't want to hear it, even if they say they do. And because, in their minds, their children are always that bit more perfect than yours anyway . And that's the way it should be.

Scout19075 · 18/12/2009 03:25

Can you "brag" to your best friend of 20+ who is childless, is a self-described aunt to your child and who always asks what he is doing now?

letsblowthistacostand · 18/12/2009 05:52

I do think close family and friends will be interested in what your children are doing, good and bad. I don't feel like I'm bragging when they ask me about my DC, although I do keep the 'she's so clever, she just LIFTED HER HEAD UP can you believe it' type comments for my mom's ears only.

CarmenTinselPalmTreesSanDiego · 18/12/2009 06:06

YANBU - I like seeing people say how gorgeous their children are, how proud they are of them etc.

But I spend a lot of time on Facebook and people do it all the time. Personally, I love seeing my friends' pics and videos of their kids and hearing what they're doing. I love it when people say their kids are gorgeous and clever. It's because they love them! And I love sharing news about my kids. It's NICE.

Why is there all this jealousy and paranoia on Mumsnet about not being able to enjoy your kids? Why on earth would I feel angry because someone said their kid was reading before mine? I might worry if the whole class were, but individually? Nah, every child has their unique talents. Enjoy them.

flimflammum · 18/12/2009 06:34

I tend to agree with you OP, but I also agree with EmilyStrange:
'It is that fine line between confidence and excitement and arrogant one-up-manship.'

If only we were all completely secure in our parenting, then we wouldn't feel threatened by others' abilities or achievements, or on the other hand feel the need to boost our fragile parent-egos by boasting. Perhaps the difference between sharing our enjoyment and pride in our children, and bragging, is that with bragging you care about the effect your words have on the listener, whereas with sharing your pride you don't.

But I also dislike this peculiarly English (British??) thing about putting oneself (and by extension children) down, self-deprecating comments, false modesty. God forbid we should show in public how proud we are of our children! My DS was/is remarkably bright in some areas, but I always felt this pressure to play it down, so as not to make myself unpopular. It was a huge relief once when I was talking to the HV about my younger DD, and she was saying you mustn't compare her to your DS, as he's out of the ordinary, and I was starting to tell her something about what DS could do at a young age, and she said in a conspiratorial whisper, 'Ooh, yes, go on, brag' - both of us knowing that I could never have said it to any friends.

It's sad, really, isn't it?

cory · 18/12/2009 07:14

Good definition by flimflam. I think most of us have come across genuinely bragging parents: parents who don't just enjoy little Olivia's sandcastles because they are beautiful, but enjoy them because they are better than little Kayla's (and totally fail to notice that Kayla is actually much better at biscuit-making). Competitive mums are hard work. They never let you relax because they are always looking anxiously at your dc to see they don't outperform hers. They can't be happy with their dcs' clever reading if another child is on a higher ORT stage.If it was just pride and enjoyment, they'd enjoy their own child's reading just as much regardless of the other child, non?

My SIL has spent the 10 years since her ds was born pointing out how advanced he is. Atm
she stresses because my dd is taller than her ds: keeps telling her she shouldn't grow more because it's not nice for a girl to be so tall. What the hell am I supposed to do about that?!