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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my friends to have a low key New Year?

44 replies

clacketyclack · 17/12/2009 19:39

Apologies in advance if this is a bit long! I am having a conundrum about our New Year plans.
Last January (before I gave birth to DD) I decided it would be lovely to spend New year away with some friends and the baby that would be 10 months at that point. I had images of a little remote cottage, open fires, fun days and chilled out evenings with glasses of wine and games around the fire. So we booked a cottage away with me, DD DP, a couple and a single friend.

Obviously I had no idea what having a baby would actually be like, and I really thought by 10 months things would be EASY. Until fairly recently I stil held out that hope.

However, on two recent trips, despite sleeping through the night at home, DD has slept HORRENDOUSLY, the best night being when she slept until 5am, the worst when she didn't go to sleep until 2.30am and then woke at 6am. The second trip she was cutting her top teeth so I know this could have accounted for some of it, but I am now really nervous about Christmas and New Year (we are away for the whole holiday period).

I spoke to my female friend and told her my worries and that I didn't want to ruin their New Year but I needed to let them know that it may be stressful for me and DP and that they may have to keep the noise down - i.e. it won't be a party house. She was reassuring and said they understood, even offering to have a night on duty (really don't think she realises what she's offered to do...)

However, we have done an online shop to be delivered there. I did the shop and passed it over to the couple to check it was OK. I had put what I thought was a reasonable amount of alchohol bearing in mind we are there for 4 nights and each night either me or DP can't drink too much in case DD wakes (we are taking in turns to be sober).

However, friend's DH has added loads to it and the booze stands at: 3 boxes red, 3 boxes white, 2 bottles champagne, 45 cans beer, 12 bottles beer, 1 bottle gin, 1 bottle vodka, 1 bottle port, 1 bottle sambuca, 1 bottle tequila.

I'm now so stressed about the whole thing as none of them have kids or know what it's like and are expecting drinking games, staying up all night etc. To top it off, friend's DH has a penchant for a certain columbian drug and has mentioned he will be bringing some. I feel SO uncomfortable about this. Am I within my rights to say he shouldn't and that people will have to be quiet, not bang doors late etc. Or should we not go if we have a problem with it? Or should i just lighten up! Option 1 or 2 will cause offence with friend's DH so I'm probably being a wimpy about stating my case too strongly as I know my friend will probably get the brunt of it. She's really looking forward to spending time with DD as she's not well and doesn't get to see her much.... opinions and advice appreciated!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/12/2009 19:42

How long are you away for? It does sound like a lot of booze, but if you're away for a fortnight...

Morloth · 17/12/2009 19:42

Booze wouldn't worry me, illegal drugs would.

You can't expect them to be quiet on a New Years weekend away. So if you need quiet for the baby best not to go really, nobody will enjoy themselves.

Have you tried getting DD used to lots of noise in the house when she is sleeping? We did this with DS, actually made a point of banging around the place/had parties etc, he could now happily sleep through a hurricane.

LittleSilver · 17/12/2009 19:43

You poor thing. No hepful advice except that for me the drug thing is an absolute deal breaker.

QandA · 17/12/2009 19:44

You either need to relax about it, not that I would (the drugs would be a deal breaker for me) or you don't go. There will be no middle ground as far as I can see. They will not understand, will be caught up in having fun (and who wouldn't) and you will feel stressed.

meemar · 17/12/2009 19:45

I really sympathise with you but sadly, it is unreasonable to expect your friends to change the plans.

Childless people have no idea of the stresses of a sleepless baby and as you originally agreed to the plans it's not fair on them to change things now.

Perhaps this will be their last NYE blow out before they settle down and have children?

I think the best thing would have been to back out when you realised it wouldn't be child friendly.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/12/2009 19:46

I wouldn't go. My DC's would sleep through a lot of noise but still have the odd night of waking up, but I would feel a tad peed off if I could not enjoy my New Year because of someone else's child and the need to keep the noise down. I would also feel very uncomfortable about drugs being in the house.

Brunettelady · 17/12/2009 19:46

The drugs thing would really piss me right off, thats not on.

Not really sure how much you can tell them not to do. Are you really going to have a good time or spend the whole time worrying about the noise? If this is the case, is it worth changing your plans?

shonaspurtle · 17/12/2009 19:46

Bear in mind that if your dd wakes up in the night in a small cottage (or at 6am) then it'll probably wake up everyone else too. Not so great on top of a bottle of sambuca .

Personally, my experience was that once ds was asleep noise didn't tend to really wake him. He went through phases of being a mare to get to settle and obviously waking through the night, but noise level was never a factor in this. We had a downstairs neighbour who used to get friends home after the pubs shut and played music all night. Dh would be threatening the polics but ds (literally) slept like a baby through it all.

Only you know how much the anticipation is going to stress you out, but if it was me I'd play it by ear, rely on hangovers and an early waking baby taking the shine off too many raucous nights and play to the better natures of my friends.

Original poster
clacketyclack · 17/12/2009 19:48

OldLady - we are away for 4 nights!

Morloth, this is what I'm thinking too (cancelling). But it will cause a lot of bad feeling and upset as they all really care for DD and want to spend time with her (despite their hedonistic ways). I know it will cause problems and I don't want to do that, mostly for my friend who will bear the brunt. Also, we are not particularly quiet around DD and if she wakes at home she settles herself back down. But for some reason when we are away she wakes and then will not go back to sleep. I don't think we have enough time now to train her to sleep through very loud noise either...

OP posts:
meemar · 17/12/2009 19:52

It shouldn't cause bad feeling. And if it does then your friends need to appreciate that things are completely different for you and your DH than for them.

They want it both ways - a chance to catch up with you and coo over your DD during the day, then an adult drunken boozy party when she is conveniently out of the way.

Do what's best for you.

Original poster
clacketyclack · 17/12/2009 19:54

I guess I've been a bit stupid and naive as it was me who booked the whole thing. It wasnt until lasdt week with the amended shop and then the drug thing I realised what they were all expecting from it...
I don't WANT to cancel as I want to have fun but just perhaps not to the same extent as them

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 17/12/2009 19:55

Don't go.

It's not fair for you to expect them to reign in their drinking just because you have a child.

Sounds like you all should have discussed your epxectations before you booked it tbh.

amidaiwish · 17/12/2009 19:56

agree with the advice above. don't go. they won't want a baby waking in the night, or making noise to wake them anytime before 10am.
honestly, don't do it to yourself. it will be so stressful. pay your share of the accommodation or whatever and have a quiet night at home.
what does your dh think?

SixtyFootDoll · 17/12/2009 19:57

I dont think you can dictate to your frineds how they spend their New Years Eve

You will either have to put up with it or pull out

Your DD may surprise you and sleep

I have done New Years Eve with lo's and childfree friends and it was not much fun
I slunk off at midnight, then was up at five creeping around an unfamiliar house trying to keep DS quiet until 10 am - not much fun really.

amidaiwish · 17/12/2009 19:57

but to answer your OP.
YABVU to expect your friends to have a low key new year. it is their new year, break from work etc.
they are being unreasonable to expect you to go and carry on as if you were childfree as before. they might want dd there/love her etc... but that is all very well for an hour here or there, not 24 hours a day.

GhoulsAreLoud · 17/12/2009 19:57

Is there any other accomodation very close by? Then you could all sleep there and you and DH could take it in turns to babysit in the evenings.

HuwEdwards · 17/12/2009 20:00

I can see it from both sides tbh. Whilst I sympathise with you, before having kids myself, I would be mightily unhappy about having my New Year subdued.

Yes it's a lot of alcohol, but that means people can have a choice, not necessarily that it will all go.

cat64 · 17/12/2009 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HuwEdwards · 17/12/2009 20:01

Oh and the drugs would be a no-no for me, baby or not.

AmericanHag · 17/12/2009 20:02

YABU to expect others to change their plans for you. You are NOT BU to cancel right now. If you're certain you'll get flak for it, go ahead and say you're sick.

Meemar's right...it's your friends who are being unreasonable if they don't let you bow out of this. Obviously, what they have planned is NOT suitable for children (even babies).

DillieTantie · 17/12/2009 20:02

TBH, if it were me, I would just not go - coke and a shed load of booze + tired new parents of a young child = disaster. Please don't feel wimpy - your DC has to be the priority here.
Maybe this will cause a problem with your friends' DH, but isn't he the one who wants to bring Class A drugs to the party? How nice can he be? You say that your friend will get the brunt of it, but, tbh, she lives with a user of nasty drugs.
If she wants to see your DD, maybe she could do that in a clean environment and without the chaos that the New Year party will inevitably involve?

Original poster
clacketyclack · 17/12/2009 20:03

Ghouls - it is a group of 3 cottages in the middle of nowhere and all are booked up.

So I guess the consensus is don't go. DP wants to try and manage it by one of us being on baby duty all night i.e. settling her however long it takes, but I think that sounds kind of miserable and I won't be able to relax and have fun if I know DP is pacing the floor with DD.

Don't really know how to approach this as I don't actually think they will want to go without us either. So either way it's not great.

Ahhhh just wish I hadn't had this stupid idea!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 17/12/2009 20:04

I am at the amount of alcohol for four nights. But then maybe I've just led a sheltered life.

Tbh if it were me I wouldn't go. Drugs are an absolute dealbreaker for me and I wouldn't want to be a part of that without children, let alone with my child in the next room.

wannaBe · 17/12/2009 20:06

and don't beat yourself up over this. We all have pre-conceived ideas before we have children.

rosiefean · 17/12/2009 20:08

You should do a mix of the things you suggest at the end of your OP! The way I see it is that you organised it, and they agreed to come along with you and your DD. Before I had my DS if I'd agreed to go away with friends with a baby I would expect a quieter New Year than one with my childless friends. If they wanted a lively one, they agreed to the wrong arrangement. However, I wouldn't have expected a list of rules to be presented at the beginning of the holiday!

The drugs thing is a no-no. You need to tell your friend as soon as possible that it isn't acceptable (for me "normal" smoking would also be off-limits). If he isn't happy with that, then sorry, he aint coming.

If there is just your friend, her DH and your single friend wanting to take part the drinking games won't last very long. (I assume that even if you/DP are drinking you will want to remain reasonably compos-mentis just in case/to avoid stinking hangovers with a 10-month-old...) I'd put money on alcohol being left over at the end - perhaps you should tell them you think that's a lot of booze, but if they want to have it "just in case" you agree to a fair split policy for the end of the holiday?

As for being quiet, perhaps just ask them to "keep it down" once you've put your DD to bed, rather than before the holiday. A sleeping baby can focus the mind, and as there are only five of you it shouldn't be difficult to do. The first time a shout/slammed door causes the baby to stir on the baby monitor they should get the message anyway!

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