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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or insensitive in sending this xmas card? straw poll should I send it?

44 replies

isoldeone · 17/12/2009 11:24

I just read a bit of another thread talking about how she reacts to others pregnancies new borns when her son is adopted, this reminded me of a bit of a dilema I had last night.

I am in the mummy bubble and have made cards with photo of ds in a xmas theme to send to relatives and good friends. My SIl did one similar a few years ago and I always thought "so cute I would love to do that one day!"

Anyways friend I know is ttc , generally very private about it ( has never talked about-only chatted a bit on email when it turned out we had similar med probs to do with lady bits) , lives far away know , don't see her, hasn't seen the little chap ( sent her congrats on FB so no issues). I wrote "to xxx merry christmas "and put in "hope 2010 brings everything you want".

Now thinking is this insensitive and a bit in your face but I really do mean it as she is such a lovely person and really helped me in the past when my life wasn't going well.

The photo on the front is of course a "big -look at my gorgeous DS" Or should i just swap for normal card and a usual message which I was going to do with husbands work colleagues. or am I overthinking this?

opinions please before I go to the post box.WWYD?

OP posts:
Tortington · 17/12/2009 11:26

i'd send a normal card to be on the safe side

ThumbleBells · 17/12/2009 11:27

ech, I don't know tbh - probably depends on how good a friend she is - but if she has sent congrats then I think I would send the baby pic card. OR - perhaps send a normal card but include the babypic inside - because then it wouldn't be staring at her from her wall/mantelpiece all the time. She might be a bit hurt not to get a pic at all, especially if she knows other people who would be getting the pic card.

It's difficult to second-guess this one - because there is the potential for upset either way. I think, with more thought, go for normal card but include babypic inside.

HTH

IfYouCouldWouldYou · 17/12/2009 11:28

I Think i would probably swap for a normal card TBH but you could still write the original message. That way she knows that you are still there for her.

GinandChocolate · 17/12/2009 11:28

I agree - normal card, less personal greeting would be more sensitive.

ThumbleBells · 17/12/2009 11:29

and include original thoughtful message as well.

dinoroar · 17/12/2009 11:30

Normal card - I am very careful who I send "kiddy" cards to - grandparents etc are usually a safe bet! If I am in any doubt, even if I think someone might be TTC and hasn't told me, I always send bought Christmas cards.

WhiteRoses · 17/12/2009 11:30

I'd err on the side of caution. I wouldn't find it insensitive personally but if you think there's a chance she might, might as well just send a normal card..? Has she seen pictures of your DS?

RockBird · 17/12/2009 11:30

Normal card with nice message. If there are pics of your ds on your FB then she will have seen him if she wants to.

LouMacca · 17/12/2009 11:31

Firstly I think its really lovely that you have considered your friends feelings before posting the card.

As someone who has been through fertility problems and who got pregnant on my 3rd attempt of IVF if I had received a card with a friends gorgeous child on the front I would have been hurt and upset. Believe me I wouldn't have wanted to feel this way but ttc can be really hard on you and you sometimes makes you feel how you wouldn't want to.

I think a normal card with a nice message inside would be the thing to do.

WhiteRoses · 17/12/2009 11:32

I was going to say the same as Thumbells - if she hasn't seen pics of him, stick a photo in seperately.

MummyDragon · 17/12/2009 11:32

Send a normal card, write your original message (which is lovely) and include a picture of your DS if you want to

WhiteRoses · 17/12/2009 11:32

*Thumbelbells

throckenholt · 17/12/2009 11:33

I would send a normal card with your original message - surely saying I hope next year is a good one for you is perfectly acceptable to anyone ?

mistletoekisses · 17/12/2009 11:33

Normal card. TBH, I would only expect family to appreciate cards like that.

HappyChristmasFromKimi · 17/12/2009 11:38

SEND THE CARD,

If everyone went around avoiding things that we think may or may not upset people the whole time we would all go mad with the stress of it.

You have a lovely child that you are proud of, why should you pretend otherwise because someone else does not have one [yet]

My sister is childless and will remain so, she is heartbroken, but does not expect me to hide my sons in a cupboard every time she visits because I have what she can not.

WhoIsAskingSantaForCake · 17/12/2009 11:38

Normal card, tweak the message.

inveteratenamechanger · 17/12/2009 11:42

Normal card, original message - which I agree is very tactful and sweet. No picture of your DS.

Just because she sent congrats on FB doesn't mean she doesn't have issues. It may well have cost her a lot to post something. (Not your problem at all, of course, but these things can be very difficult.)

Agree with mistletoekisses that cards starring your children are for family only.

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 11:42

I think these sorts of card should definitely only be sent to grandparents and other ageing relatives - you never know if friends and other relatives might be having problems.

I would send a normal card.

Original poster
isoldeone · 17/12/2009 11:43

thanks ladies and MN jury -

Think I will swap to normal card and keep original message. Picture was going to be facebook ID pic for a couple of days over the xmas period. so as someone said probably would she would see pics if she wants.

was concerned ( sorry a bit of stealth here) as mutual friend who I do still see I will send one to but the FB id probably cancels that out so doubt anyone would discuss it.

as I say she is the loveliest person and I don't want to upset her even for a moment. I remember the little twinge and knot of jealousy when sil announced pregnancy , showing stuff off etc and I wasn't even ttc then. It's easy to get carried away in the mummy bubble I know and I think that's why i hesitated in sending it.

OP posts:
inveteratenamechanger · 17/12/2009 11:45

Aaah, OP, you sound lovely and very considerate. Merry Christmas and enjoy your lovely DS!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/12/2009 11:45

General rule: Only send cutsey baby xmas cards to those you are sure will be uderstanding of your absorbtion or who love yur Dc as much as you-probaly gradparents- and v close forgiving friends.

everyone else paricuarly sensitiev about baby friends, norml cards.

MrsMattie · 17/12/2009 11:46

I think you've made the right decision. If she is ttc and having problems and you know this (and she knows you know) it may be best to err on the side of caution just in case she feels hurt. Of course you'd be perfectly within your rights to send the card, but if she is lovely and a dear friend, best to play it safe. You're a good friend, btw.

wildfig · 17/12/2009 11:48

normal card, message is v thoughtful - she can read into it what she wants. We've been TTC for ages and all the gorgeous baby cards do sting a bit, particularly on top of the 'Christmas is a time for children' business. I always coo over friends' babies on Facebook, and am always pleased, but have to confess there's usually a tear or two as well in private.

You're a nice friend to think of her feelings!

ThumbleBells · 17/12/2009 11:49

good choice, isoldeone. You are very kind and thoughtful.

StrictlyKatty · 17/12/2009 11:51

Normal card normal card normal card! Only VERY good friends want to see you DS dressed up and if she is TTC she REALLY isn't going to want to see it. My DH bins cards with other peoples DC's on!