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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or insensitive in sending this xmas card? straw poll should I send it?

44 replies

isoldeone · 17/12/2009 11:24

I just read a bit of another thread talking about how she reacts to others pregnancies new borns when her son is adopted, this reminded me of a bit of a dilema I had last night.

I am in the mummy bubble and have made cards with photo of ds in a xmas theme to send to relatives and good friends. My SIl did one similar a few years ago and I always thought "so cute I would love to do that one day!"

Anyways friend I know is ttc , generally very private about it ( has never talked about-only chatted a bit on email when it turned out we had similar med probs to do with lady bits) , lives far away know , don't see her, hasn't seen the little chap ( sent her congrats on FB so no issues). I wrote "to xxx merry christmas "and put in "hope 2010 brings everything you want".

Now thinking is this insensitive and a bit in your face but I really do mean it as she is such a lovely person and really helped me in the past when my life wasn't going well.

The photo on the front is of course a "big -look at my gorgeous DS" Or should i just swap for normal card and a usual message which I was going to do with husbands work colleagues. or am I overthinking this?

opinions please before I go to the post box.WWYD?

OP posts:

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 17/12/2009 11:52

I find this such a 'new mum' thing to do, sorry.

Immediate family might appreciate a card with your ds on, but others won't have the same appreciation at all. I used to cringe everytime my sister sent a card like this, and that was when I had kids of my own!

Everyone has their own tastes and if your family would appreciate a photo card that's fine, but send normal cards to friends. Esp to this one.

porcamiseria · 17/12/2009 13:37

blessw you for thinking, probably more sensitive to send a normal card

SE13Mummy · 17/12/2009 14:47

Another vote for the normal card containing a thoughtful message. This time last year I didn't open most of the cards sent to us as I was worried they may be full of photographs/letters announcing the arrival of babies/pregnancies which was something we desperately hoped for but after a string of miscarriages, an ectopic and associated emergency surgery, wasn't looking likely.

LuvLee · 17/12/2009 15:42

Send the card for goodness sakes! Surely your friend isn't a hermit living in a plastic bubble. You can't wrap her up in cotton wool and hope that she doesn't have to deal with people and their babies.

claraquack · 17/12/2009 15:49

Sorry I have no idea why you wouldn't send the baby card. You say she is "trying to conceive" - unless I have read this wrong this must mean she likes children and wants one for herself so might appreciate a card with your little cherub on it (unlike friends who don't have children and are not trying - I wouldn't bore them with pics of your child). Had she been ttc for five years, had countless mc's etc then maybe I wouldn't rub her face in it. Otherwise I can't for the life of me see why this would be insensitive. What next, talking in hushed tones about our kids in front of people who don't have any just in case they have tried a couple of times and nothing happened?

Bah. What is this world coming to?

stealthsquiggle · 17/12/2009 15:55

Personally I reserve the 'cute picture of gorgeous DC' cards for Thank you cards from the aforementioned gorgeous DC on the assumption that people who have bothered to send them presents are at least vaguely interested in them and therefore won't mind the photo .

CarmenTinselPalmTreesSanDiego · 17/12/2009 16:16

I wouldn't really send a pic of my kids as a Christmas card, but I love pictures of my friends' babies and children, and if you don't see them regularly, they change so much it's nice to see the pictures.

As you know she is having issues, perhaps it is more sensitive to send a normal card.

But.. I feel there is a serious paranoia going on when people say you should only send these sorts of cards to relatives because you don't know who might be trying to conceive. Really? That implies you should hide your children away from anyone of childbearing age. This seems to come up with everything from mentioning children in letters to putting up pics on Facebook.

If you have a baby and you're proud of him, then show him off. The world can be shitty enough, most people like seeing babies. And you don't know that all people with fertility issues would prefer to stay away from babies. Perhaps that would actually be more hurtful. There are plenty of women who couldn't have children but enjoy playing with friends' children.

I really feel for people with fertility issues. I've seen how hard it is, though I have been lucky not to experience it personally. But (and this sounds harsh, but isn't really meant to be so) the issue is theirs to deal with and the responsibility is theirs to remove themselves from a situation that they are finding hard. Of course no need to rub their face in it if you know they're hurting or will react badly, but that's just common sense.

But we can't live in a world second-guessing how other people feel or think. It's easy to feel bitter about anyone else's happiness. If your mother died for example, you might get angry about someone bitching about their own mother. If you're struggling to get a job, you may be angry about someone who has resigned from theirs. But you can't go tiptoeing around, hiding your life away in case you upset someone who has some unknown trigger.

iggypiggy · 17/12/2009 16:26

carmen I 100% agree that is for people to deal with their own issues.

As someone who has been ttc for a long time and experienced a miscarriage i know how sad seeing baby pics makes me and I would prob just bin any such cards, just as I hide FB status updates from those with new babies. This is clearly my problem and not the senders.

Where I think this is different is that the OP knows that the friend is ttc and is being v. considerate and thinking of her feelings - so i think it is totally right to just send a normal card in this situation.

claraquack · 17/12/2009 16:32

iggypiggy - I don't understand why "ttc" is an issue? I understand why someone like yourself may feel sensitive towards pictures of other people's babies as you have been trying for a long time and experienced a mc. But when I was "ttc" it wouldn't have crossed my mind that I didn't want to see pictures of my friend's children. I was even more interested than before because I was planning to embark down that road myself.

Carmen - you have basically said what I did but put it much more eloquently, thank you.

iggypiggy · 17/12/2009 16:34

clara that's the point isn't it - ttc isn't an issue unless it isn't working for you - then it takes over your whole life and you descend into a pit of misery - or maybe that's just me

iggypiggy · 17/12/2009 16:36

clara perhaps I have wrongly assumed that the OP's friend has been ttc for some time? Which is what i assumed....

incidentally - am not miserable right now...

claraquack · 17/12/2009 16:37

I'm really sorry iggy, it sounds like you are having a tough time.

But surely it is only difficult when it goes on for a very long time? I got annoyed every month when it didn't happen, especially as I was getting on a bit with dd2 (38) so worried I had left it too late. But I didn't associate what I was going through with other people's children.

Perhaps I was just lucky to feel this way? Or maybe I am just very insensitive.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 17/12/2009 16:39

Close friend = photo card.

This friend = normal card from what I can glean from your Op about how close you are.

iggypiggy · 17/12/2009 16:41

clara I'm not at the mo as I am pregnant again (still scarily waiting for that 12 week scan tho..) but thanks for your nice comments.

To be honest i was fine about ttc until the MC - and it did take a long time to happen again..

Sorry OP - I digress - you sound lovely and thoughtful

sunburntats · 17/12/2009 16:41

Ive been ttc for years, have had numerous mcs, but i really REALLY would not mind having pictures of friends and families gorgeous kids, not at all.

Seasonofgoodwill · 17/12/2009 16:50

I would send a normal card. She can always ask to see your photos, or you could ask her if she would like to see one (although she might not feel able to say no!)

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 17/12/2009 17:02

Kimi that is a bit different though as your children are your sisters neice/nephews.

Hulababy · 17/12/2009 17:06

I have been TTC (for #2) for over 5 years with no success, depite two ops, clomid, etc.

I would have no problem with the baby pic card and message coming for friend or family.

franch · 17/12/2009 17:08

normal card

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