that 50-50 res is AWFUL for kids & mothers and women should fight back?

[rageagainstthe50res]

OK, hands up, i name-changed, because this is so emotionally charged and I don't want to be alienated from my usual threads.

BUT, AIBU to think that actually 50-50 parenting is fucking awful for kids? I mean, can you imagine living your life between two houses? Just how disorientating and unsettling it would be?

And AIBU to think that women have given away too many of their own rights in the name of 'fathers' rights?' I LOVE my father, and my DS loves hers, even though we're not together but in 99% of all parenting cases I know it is the woman who does the laundry, the packed lunches, the kiss it betters, the costumes for the nativity.

We don't have gender equality in this country - salary discrepancies, violence against women, flagrant misogyny in the media etc. Yet the few rights we do hold - that we should be the primary parent because we grow our children inside us and feed them from our own bodies, we now glibly throw away to 'fathers'. I AM NOT SAYING FATHERS SHOULD BE DENIED ACCESS TO THEIR CHILDREN. But I do think 50-50 is too much. And you're telling me that women don't HATE having their kids only 50% of the time? I'm sure most of them are absolutely miserable. A weekend off, great, but 50-50 just sounds heinous.
REally, I'm not being an arse, I'm just massively curious.

But they would know him if they had spent half their time with him from the off, flight. And in the nicest possible way, your post precisely demonstrates that residency arrangements are usually far more about what the parents want and need than the children.

xpost - didn't read your comments about your dsd's mum, bratnav.
She doesn't sound particularly discreet, but unfortunately (and i don't mean to personally slur you, and don't mean to and am sorry if i have done) she is clearly massively hurt by your actions. As I would be. It's all such a minefield

x posted theyoungvisitor. I agree with you completely.

Why do you assume that the mother is "massively hurt" by bratnav's action? Why can't you just face the possibility that she is complete bitch? Lots of women are. Just as lots of men are tossers.

is there not something to be said for a child having stability?
I mean one home, one primary carer...this is often even the case in two parent families.
One parent deals with the more attachment side of things (the one they run to if upset, etc) and one is perhaps more practical or earns the money, makes meals, etc etc
what does the child do when they are upset and currently in the 'practical' parent's home?
Wait a week before crying?
It makes no sense to me. But I'm no expert. I just think you kind of need one parent you are ALWAYS (or 99% of the time) able to access for security, and the other as a standby for that aspect, but who is more useful to you in a different way.
This is small kids - older ones I guess should be able to chop and change whose place they stay at depending on their needs.

Well Georgimama, that would indeed be the case if he had bothered to visit - but he didn't turn up and I have not heard from him since.

And I don't really care what my post demonstrates. I was just stating how I would feel.

But theyoungvisitor, the child DID have a relationship with the father.

Older children won't have that "chop and change" relationship where they can run to either parent as needed if the relationship with one has withered and died because they spent 99% of their time with one from the word go. I can't see what is unstable about having two homes. As someone up thread said, there are plenty of children who do it. Diplomats' children, children at boarding school, the wealthy who have 2 homes etc. They aren't all unstable.

It must be awful if you genuinely feel that your ex is not capable of looking after your children properly - that's a whole other kettle of fish.

I know as a child I was very lucky in that both my parents were wonderful - wonderful together and just as wonderful separately. I don't think either of them ever had a moment's doubt about each others' abilities.

In the same way if I split with DH I would be heart-wrenched to spend time away from my DCs but I know he is an absolutely wonderful father and however much I was hurting personally, I don't think he could ever make me doubt his abilities as a father.

If you truly think your ex (male or female) is not a good parent then I don't know where you go with that - that must be heart-breaking.

I am fine with my almost 50/50 arrangement and so is ds and exdp who has always been 50/50 hands on.

I sometimes object to the tone that says 'I would die of grief' its the same tone that sometimes pops up on thread about putting babies into nurseries and is really hurtful to people who have to do it and tbh a bit 'I'm a better parent than youse'

After a few weeks its amazing to have weekends to yourself and you recharge your parenting batteries and are then totally able to start the week again full of enthusiasm - not to mention that we have 3 adults now to get to nativities and school fairs and all the rest of it.

Separation and shared access does not have to be dysfunctional.

You should care, flight. Your children will grow up one day and wonder about these things. I did.

Agree wholeheartedly with the OP.

As the child of divorced parents, I needed to have a stable, solid home. One home. With the primary carer - who happened to be my Mother, surprise surprise. I needed to see my father too, but having to split my daily life in half as well as cope with divorce would have been even more disturbing.

Funny how many men suddenly discover they desperately need to see their child 50% of the time when they get divorced. If they are that keen, why didn't they bother to do half the work during the marriage?

edam honestly, I'd have given my right arm for my father to want to spend 50%, or any % of my time with me.

Why does the word "stable" inevitably get linked with (mother's) home?

"By rageagainstthe50res Thu 17-Dec-09 20:51:57
But theyoungvisitor, the child DID have a relationship with the father."

Yes, but the child wanted more time with him. She (the child I mean) obviously felt that the existing relationship wasn't enough and asked to spend more time at her Dad's house.

Shouldn't that trump any feelings the mother has about an empty bed for a week? Your post seemed to suggest that the mother's hurt about the 50 res was more important than the child's desire to spend time with her dad.

And actually I think that making the child feel responsible for the parent's happiness in the way you suggest (implying that their parent will be devastated if they aren't there) is a dreadful emotional burden for a child.

should care about what?
I said I didn't care what my post demonstrated.
when did it become so wrong just to say how you feel. Sorry if it makes anyone feel like I think I am a better parent, that's crap, of course I am not.
think I had better leave you lot to it.

I didn't say it was your fault. I do wonder why women have children with men like that though. I wonder why my mother married my father - actually I know, because after she had had a great deal of therapy she was able to tell me. She wanted to get married and have a family of her own and she thought no one else would ever want her. She was 16 when she met him FFS.

Oh here we go.
Goodnight.

Georgi, my mother's excuse is genetics. She reckons you end up having children with someone whose genes will work well with yours. Whatever your conscious brain tells you about gorgeous blue eyes or charm or other factors. As in, 'your father was not a great husband but we made you and your sister').

'stable' = living with the primary carer IMO. If both parents have been equally responsible for the child (not just turning up for the fun bits, but doing lunchboxes and sorting out who is coming to play and cooking tea and going through the schoolbag and all the other tedious but essential jobs) then fine, maybe 50:50 could work if that's what suits that particular child.

If, as is generally the case, one parent has been the primary carer, the child should remain with the primary carer and the non-resident parent should have plenty of contact.

I think in some cases Georgimama is right, I know in my case she is. I married a twat beacause I behaved like an airheaded twit. Twats tend to shit on twits.

I have learned my lesson and chose much more wisely second time around.

Can I just ask, has this OP come in response to a new report or recommendation or something?

Or is this a response to a thread?

I just wondered what had prompted it as I haven't seen anything in the news.

What I dont understand about this is the definition of 50/50 anyway as there is always a non-resident and resident parent as it is counted on nights and there arent an even number.

So my ds has 4 nights at mine and 3 at exdps - how do you actually get 50/50 unless theres a really complicated maths thing going on involving time over a month or some such...?

I think this is one of the most shockingly sexist threads I have ever read on MN. Being a mother does not give anyone special rights.

As OrmIrian said, a real eye opener.

There have been really good posts though by people who experiened this as a child and it would be good if those views could be fed back somehow to the Courts to modify the current process of custody decision making.

For the last several years me, DW and DSs have commuted every week between two houses and it was very disruptive for us all. We have stopped doing it now. Children need a stable place they can call home. They need regular contact with both parents too and parents should put those two needs of their child(ren) before their own needs.

In your basic average family, with no twunts, 50/50 is an excellent starting point. Children need parents, whether living together or apart. They need consistency and love.

We haven't quite managed 50/50 due to work and distance but my children (young adults now) have relationship with their father that is equal to the relationship they have with me. We parent together 100%, even though we have been apart over 10 years

I don't miss them when they are with him, as I know they are in good hands and always have been. I ended my marriage, not his parenthood