that 50-50 res is AWFUL for kids & mothers and women should fight back?

[rageagainstthe50res]

OK, hands up, i name-changed, because this is so emotionally charged and I don't want to be alienated from my usual threads.

BUT, AIBU to think that actually 50-50 parenting is fucking awful for kids? I mean, can you imagine living your life between two houses? Just how disorientating and unsettling it would be?

And AIBU to think that women have given away too many of their own rights in the name of 'fathers' rights?' I LOVE my father, and my DS loves hers, even though we're not together but in 99% of all parenting cases I know it is the woman who does the laundry, the packed lunches, the kiss it betters, the costumes for the nativity.

We don't have gender equality in this country - salary discrepancies, violence against women, flagrant misogyny in the media etc. Yet the few rights we do hold - that we should be the primary parent because we grow our children inside us and feed them from our own bodies, we now glibly throw away to 'fathers'. I AM NOT SAYING FATHERS SHOULD BE DENIED ACCESS TO THEIR CHILDREN. But I do think 50-50 is too much. And you're telling me that women don't HATE having their kids only 50% of the time? I'm sure most of them are absolutely miserable. A weekend off, great, but 50-50 just sounds heinous.
REally, I'm not being an arse, I'm just massively curious.

Georgimama -

I am surprised by teh strenght of feeling against shared residence.
Surely if a child has a routine that they are familiar with, 2 houses is no problem. (children of divorced parents have 2 houses anyway, dont they? Mine do).
It does require considerable unselfishness on the part of both parents, eg living near to each other, and not having fights every week.

The strength of feeling comes from the fact that the mother doesn't want to lose every other week of their DCs life-it is understandable, but of course being the main carer means that the father loses much more than every other week. It is a time when the adults deal with the hurt and let the DC have 2 equal parents.

Agree with theyoungvisiter at 20.10

If you demand equality it must be total, even where it 'disadvantages' you. I think that a parent, whether male or female, gives up rights to their child if they are abusive towards the child or their partner.

Women have rarely had any power with their children until v. recently. Historically, a married woman had no legal status so any childcare decisions were her husband's. Married women were simply property, hence why marital rape was not illegal until 1994.

Sorry, RL got in the way

Thank you to Georgiamama, Bonsoir, SGM (and another I think) who stuck up for me.

All I can say is that DSD is very happy and settled, despite attempts by her Mum and her DP to change the arrangement by moving 100 miles away without telling us (or DSD) earlier this year. Frankly I don't care what DSDs Mum thinks of the arrangement, DH and I, the 2 independent family law solicitors who acted as mediators and most importantly DSD know that this is what makes DSD happiest.

dittany - as it happens we don't pay DSDs Mum maintenance. why should we when we cover exactly the same costs as she does, clothes, food, toys, rent etc etc

well bratnav, let's just hope that your DD;s dad doesn't marry a woman who doesn't care what you, their mother, thinks about their future arrangements, eh?

Dittany,

I've read a lot of your comments on MN.

I assume (and I can only assume) that you have never been married and you have never had children.

Why are you slagging bratnav?

this was my entire point all along

we've arrived at a situation whereby it's seen as a good thing if a mother's feelings aren't taken into account at all.

Not at the expense of her childs feelings.

Cheap option? How is jointly raising a child a cheap option? DSDs Mum gets all the CB and CTC for DSD even though she only has her half of the time, believe me it is not easy for us financially.

If DSDs Mum had made any of this about her DD and not herself then maybe I would have more sympathy for her.

I had a 50:50 shared care arrangement with my dh. The children lived with us for half the week each, and it worked well all round. The school even said to us how well they thought the children had adapted to the mew arrangement. It's not a cheap arrangement though, and it is quite limiting. Things were fine when we were both OK (ish) with living where we were, but when dh really really wanted to move it was much more tricky, as he thought long distance shared care would work, and I really didn't.

'we've arrived at a situation whereby it's seen as a good thing if a mother's feelings aren't taken into account at all.

It is sad for the mother, but she does the best for her DC and the best means an equal relationship with the father. The fact that the parents do not get on has nothing to do with the DC and the DC should be able to keep their relationship with both. The parents are the adults and they leave their differences out of it and do the best for the DC IMO. I don't think that it is best for the DC to have one of the parents relegated to visitor status. Both parents should be central to the life. Both should know which day PE is on and what kit the DC needs etc.etc.
I find it extraordinary that somehow the mother is elevated to number 1 parent and the father doesn't count!
At one time the woman had no say, they had to stay in a bad marriage or she lost the DCs. Then it swung the other way and the mother automatically got custody and the father often lost contact. It seems much more civilized to me that, in 21st century, both parents should retain equal contact bury their differences and do their best for their DCs.
And no, the mother's feelings shouldn't over ride everything-if she has a problem with the father that is her problem-it isn't her DC's problem.

' If you can't put your children's needs and rights before your own, you shouldn't be a parent.'

Well said-that is the only point that counts.

OP, YANBU
I do think that the mother and father bring a different ebergy to child raising. Both have their strengths and weaknesses, but we are fundamentally different.
Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding to have an impact on your relationship with your child.
It's a primeval force that we should embrace.

You can give birth and bf and still be a lousy mother! A DC is a DC for life. Even if you extend bfeeding you are talking about a very short period.

I think that 50/50 is unfair on the child actually. It may suit some parents in the name of equality but surely it is better to have a main home, at least all week where you relax after school and go to bed early.
Anything else is too fractious

Of course there are crappy mothers, but these are the exception. In those cases, the father should be given full custody surely?

If the parents cooperate and have the same rules and expectations then both places are homes to relax in and treat as home. Much better than relegating one parent to second division -I thionk that it must be very upsetting for a DC to be a visitor rather than their home. If they need one home -why is it the mothers, just because she gave birth and bf-the DC may have a much better relationship with the father?

It seems very depressing to me. The DC isn't a possession. The parents need to sit down and work out an arrangement that is best for the DC and leave their own feelings out of it.

"Glad you got your cheap option sorted out though Bratnav."

What a nasty thing to say

Do you have to work hard at being so offensive or does it come naturally to you?

Cheap option?

I'd say making 50:50 res work is the hardest option, and I respect parents who do it.

Mrs ruff - but children of divorced parents will always have 2 homes, surely?

Someone I know who was a 50:50 res parent said that it worked fine for their child, when the child got used to the routine. The routine was of the utmost importance, so the child knew when they would be where.

It is not to do with equality for the parents, it is to do with the child having a proper relationship with both parents.

I have spent time away from my children,a nd it is frightening how quickly you lose touch with them when you dont see them regularly.

I think that both parents need to know details like PE is on a Wednesday and they will need outdoor trainers. If a parent is relegated to one day a week they lose touch.