to not let MIL mind DS if she's not going to do it MY way

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Ok the title is a little out-there so people will be itching to flame me, but get this..

DS is 1. MIL has been told since I was pregnant with him that she is not to smoke around him at all under any circumstances.

You will probably have read about her already- she is a MIL from hell.

When he was a couple of weeks old, we took him round on a sunny day and she wanted him to sit out the back in his buggy. I was feeling slightly twitchy as I knew what would happen, and low and behold, she lit up. 'It's ok, we're outside' she said, inches from my new born and puffing smoke all over.

Smoking is bad for children but I also HATE smoking. It has given my grandad cancer, killed my nana, it is unnecessary and stinky. DH smokes the sly one at work and he knows I can't stick it, but he always changes when he gets in from work so that it is not in the fibres of his clothes when he picks up DS (this is out of habit at this point as we were told this was important when DS was young and has apnoea/chest infections, etc. DH has carried it on which is fine with me).

I am pregnant again and the smell makes me physically sick.

MIL has 3 hours with DS on a Wednesday. She has picked this day and gets angry if we cancel for any reason (although it's fine for her to cancel when she so wishes). She wants him on her own specifically (well with her DH) so we can't be there. The past few times, DS has come home smelling extra smokey. SIL let slip that she sometimes holds him in the kitchen doorway whilst they smoke in the kitchen. I made it clear this was not ok as smoke doesn't go 'oh a baby, I'll steer clear and go over here by the open window'.

Today he has come home after 3 hours literally smelling like he has been chain smoking. Cue me puking after one cuddle as heavily pregnant and just can't help it. DH then sniffed him to see what the fuss was over and actully agreed when I could clearly see he desperately wanted me to be wrong/overreacting.

He's 1 for God's sake. She's been going on about how she wants us to take him round more, etc. I can't see how she can be allowed to mind him when she purposely goes against the one wish we have.

I let it go when she fed him 3 packs of crisps and half a packet of biscuits, etc as I thought I should pick my battles (even though she had been told he wasn't to eat masses of junk food as it's not good for him, he's none the wiser as to whether it's a treat or not and he can't poo!!).

But I feel this is a battle to fight. Particularly when we have another baby on the way. She used to kick off if we wouldn't let her have DS overnight when he was a few weeks/months old but he would just come back stinking. She's going to expect the new one to stay overnight too and she has been pushing the smoking boundaries more and more so she will think she can smoke around the new one.

She can't smoke around either. Why the hell would people smoke around babies?

What can I do about this?

She is clearly addicted and is completely unaware that she is even doing it - I imagine that she is so addicted and smoking is so habitual that she has no idea that its even happening.

Don;t let him go over. WHY does she get him for these 3 hours a week...??

Just don;t let him go.

I agree a united front. That HAS to be the only way.

I beleive that badly behaved GP are no different to yoru average toddler. If you let them get away with stuff, it'll become the norm, and will create problems later.

If the offending DC or IL for that matter sees a chink in the armour, a degree of inconsistency, then any form of correction is going to fail.

It kind of is DH place to talk to his mum, but it is, for the very same reason, what actually makes it harder for him to do so.

If you talk to him, you are merely the little woman at best, or 'that bitch' at worst.

If you sit her down and tell her calmly, that despite your saying not ever to smoke around your baby, that she continues to do so, and this is unacceptable. For this reason, your DS will not be visiting her in her house, unless she give up smoking for an hour before you come, and for the duration of your visit. She is of course more than welcome to visit you at your home, but to leave the cigarettes behind.

If she gets the hump, all fine and dandy, not your problem, and she IS totally in the wrong. If anyone actually agrees with her, you know that they are wrong too. You can give them a great big fat face!

Can you send her some of those leaflets about not smoking around children... a handful a week??? ( evil cackle).

It's a horrific situation, but totally not of your doing. You and your DH are doing a fine job of raising your DS.

As with toddlers, with GPs/ILs you need to Keep calm, be consistent and firm. Together.

God I sincerely hope that next year we will NOT be hearing anymore about your flaming MIL TAUP!

GAh, excuse the spellos...

Is this the MIL who was in that crazy, epic wedding thread? Apologies if I am mixing OP up with someone else.

YA DEFINITELY NBU

One of my biggest worries was that my dad wouldn't give up smoking before I had my first (due in 5 weeks) and that I would have to have a similar battle. I am so relieved he and his partner have both given up. (Took a stroke to convince him, mind.)

I agree that you have to tackle this yourself and that you need to stand firm. She is definitely out of order and there can be no question about the health risks she is putting your son and potentially your next child at. No-one can seriously argue in the era of smoking bans that the health risks from passive smoking are negligible or nonexistent. If your husband is on-side then I think withdrawing the visits is the way forward. You have to be clear that you mean business on this one - and that her "assurances" are not doing the job. Maybe once she has had her tantrum and screamed and shouted like the irresponsible idiot she is, then she will start to behave like an adult and a responsible grandparent. My advice would be to try and make it as little of a battle of wills as possible, if you see what I mean. This isn't about you or her "winning" - it's about your child's health. Simple as that. Good luck.

YANBU.

She is being unreasonable, selfish and harming your dc.

some recent evidence out about the harms of third degree smoking (ie fumes from a smokers clothing and breath) and lots of evidence that second degree smoke harmful (smoke in same room).

it sounds like there is perhaps unspoken pressure from your dh and his family for you to allow this to happen. it is very difficult to stand up to this when everyone around you is saying that this situation is reasonable, and you don't want to rock the boat. But i hope you can talk to her and make her see how wrong this is. good luck.

"No-one can seriously argue in the era of smoking bans that the health risks from passive smoking are negligible or nonexistent"

Well I can since the same government that invented smoking bans invented the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction Also most of what ordinary people say about it (as opposed to genuine scientists) is myth which grows sillier with each retelling. (caught cancer from a budgie who once flew over a smoker kinda thing)

But the point is you can make any rules you like for your own child. If you don't want the smell of smoke then just say she can't have him ever. You don't even need a reason.

I think a few of you have hit the nail on the head- I'm actually scared to say anything to her! At the moment she's hardly speaking to me as she obviously thinks I'm a funny bitch. I haven't been going round much and I avoid her as much as poss because of things like this.

I don't think I was the epic wedding lady but I was the epic why should I take my DS to the pub to see her lady last year.

She will slate me to the rest of the family so I just need to get my head around them not liking me.

I've been in hospital past couple of days and she refused to mind DS so that DH could come and see me. She didn't phone or txt me once but apparently she rang DH a few times to see how I was. Turns out she was just sat at home with her feet up so she could have easily helped out. Instead, DS ran mad in the hospital, got over excited, thre up everywhere and then DH decided it wasn't a good idea to bring him back so he couldn't come and visit after that. great MIL eh.

Groundhogs - I don't disagree with most of your post but I do I'm afraid take exception to the fact that you are likening GPs and ILs to toddlers. I don't think this is necessary and is a bit insulting to the adults concerned. Would you for instance make the same comparison with mothers, fathers, grannies, aunts, maternal GPs, friends etc who behaved in a way that annoyed you, or is your comparison only in relation to GPs and ILs.

*threw up all over the maternity ward.

TAUP I can really sympathise with your worries about being slated to the rest of the family, them not liking you as a result, your MIL thinking you are a 'funny bitch' etc BUT (and I know it isn't easy) you must try and ignore those worries because none of them are your fault, problem or within your control. As we have all said: YANBU.

FWIW if the extended family come to dislike you because of one-sided attacks from your MIL then they aren't worth bothering about anyway. I really hope they can see what she is doing and be understanding to your plight. We all are.

Your expectations are in NO WAY unreasonable. I hate confrontation too but you just can't let her control you like this, potentially damage your relationship with your DH by causing stress and, above all, harm your child. Talk to your DH, and try to find an arrangement you (you and he) can live with and don't torture yourself with worries about your MIL and what she will do next.

Realise this may sound idealistic but I believe it IS realistic if you can stick together over this issue and come up with a plan for fielding/ignoring future unreasonable behaviour from you MIL.

Sorry for the long post. I wish you luck and really hope you can work this issue out

I really feel for you Op. However it must be v hard for hubby who so obviously wants his DM's aproval. Why is it parents can still turn us into children when we've fully grown up. A great book is Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, a grown up's guide to getting over narcissistic parents.
If you are already seen as the wicked woman, just go with the flow, nothing you do will change the old bags mind anyway, and hubby has more issues with her than just a backbone by the sounds of it.
I would write her a nice letter, explaining all you've said and that DS will not be coming untill she respects your views. That way she can't interupt and scream and shout (well she can, but everything you want to say will still be there in front of her.) as others have said if she rings, texts being abusive, delete, hang up. But if she wants to talk rationaly, try to be receptive.
Sorry that your pg is not going well, but bringing Ds onto the ward for 1/2 hour may be better than relying on 'fag ash lil'.
Does your hospital have a creche? Our local one has one in outpatients dept, but if you're visiting you can book children in also, just need to book in advance. Ask one of the nurses.
sending you luck on this one.

I think you are completely reasonable in being pissed off with this, agree with the combinbed approach. Tackle her together.

However, I tyhink you should not rely on her to look after your DS at all, I know it is difficult what with you having been in hospital recently. But you shouldn't ut yourself in the position that on one hand you are kicking up about the smoking, but on the other hand when you need her to look after DS the smoking is a non issue (I know that isn't how it is at all, however this is how it will be consytrued and talked about amongsth the family.

Good luck with it. She sounds a nightmasre.

But did the MIL refuse to mind DS because she had been told off for smoking - it's sort of understandable in a way. I do wonder how useful MN is for some of you mums because it allows you to vent a lot and then lots of other mums come on and join in the condemnation of the MIL but none of this actually does anything to resolve the situation between the MIL and the DIL which is the root cause of the problem. And the OP is scared to say anything to her MIL so has to get it all out of her system on here and that precludes anything getting sorted.

OK I know I will get lots of criticism for this post but I'm sort of used to that on MN. I do also feel some sympathy for the Ps and Hs in these cases as they are trying to steer a middle course. And there is the issue of the children and grandparents. Children have a right to have a good relationship with their grandparents in my opinion.

In spite of what I say I still think the MIL should not be smoking around the child, but please OP why don't you go and see your MIL and pluck up the courage to be honest with her. It just might resolve matters.

Ninanina, it's lighthearted and tongue in cheek tbh. I did state GP/IL.

Some parents/IL/GP are happy to allow their DIL/BIL to raise their own child and respect their boundaries.

But with difficult characters that are pushing boundaries constantly it IS essential to be calm, consistent and firm.

TAUP's MIL definately falls into that category.

Sorry if I offended you, i was only mucking about.

YANBU - don't let her have him again.

Well I haven't mentioned the smoking issue so far as I'm across the country at another hospital next Wednesday so she won't be having him then. She had been adament she wasn't coming round xmas day (as I said earlier, she refuses to come to our house as she thinks we should go to her). She said we had to go to her dirty grotty work on xmas morn with DS as she is working until 12pm. We said no and SIL said she was coming round to see him. MIL then rang back and said she will be coming to see him at 12 lunch time after work. Which is great- we've stood our ground... but on the other hand she will say bitchy things to me on xmas day and my hormones are ready to eat someone. She had actually said in the previous phone call 'I've got other people to see, I'm not coming to see him, I'm going to the pub.' Anyway, some progress at least and he won't have to go to her smokey house.

Tonight has been DH ringing and asking SIL for a lift to his works xmas do. Don't ask me why he did this as we NEVER have lifts off anyone. MIL answered the phone, insisted on relaying messages between the two of them and told him to stop being tight and get a taxi. This is the woman who doesn't drive and expects us to waste petrol (for no contribution) ferrying her left right and centre. She refuses to walk to the next street to our house and even when her DH is home (he drives) she gets DH running around after her. SIL was the same up until 3 months ago when she passed her test. DH got a taxi but the ferrying around stops right here. He told her he'll be remembering it and I had to leave the room because her screeching on the other end of the phone was cheese grating my head.

At this rate there's going to be no contact at all. We're going to have to go and see her one of the days to dicuss the smoking issue but she starts screaming at DH and then she tries to get me to agree to everything she says and when I don't she starts screeching at me too... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh head is going to pop tonight.

TAUP, that's so awful. Just be strong, you know you are doing the right thing.

If she screeches, say nothing, nowt, diddly, just get up, the pair of you, and go home.

At least your DP is on the same page as you, if you end up having to take a break from them, so be it. It's not of your doing.

Wishing you peace & traquility!

Haven't read the full thread. The ansder s simple - she doens't get him for 3 hours without you there. It's that simple. Change your hours, or have something else on that you need to cancel again and again - if you want to cover up a bit. Bottom line though - dhe just doesn't get him.

You need to get DH on side.

I agree yanbu at all

Just stop letting her have him and then you won't have to keep starting threads about how much you hate her.

Sheesh, it's not rocket science.

Cheers amialone- that helped loads. hide it if you're bothered.

Princess- the midwives said it 'wasn't a good idea' for him to be brought to the hospital! They were naff and said they wouldn't blame the baby, they'd blame the adults 'as they shouldn't have brought him anyway'. FFS he was only sick! DH couldn't get a childminder. MIL is 47 but it probably only sounds crazy because it's all put together on one thread IYSWIM. Where as it happens over weeks or whatever so it doesn't seem like such a manic explosion. These things are just slowly eating away.

Distancing us as much as poss at mo so we can keep our sanity and stop arguing over her.