to not let MIL mind DS if she's not going to do it MY way

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Ok the title is a little out-there so people will be itching to flame me, but get this..

DS is 1. MIL has been told since I was pregnant with him that she is not to smoke around him at all under any circumstances.

You will probably have read about her already- she is a MIL from hell.

When he was a couple of weeks old, we took him round on a sunny day and she wanted him to sit out the back in his buggy. I was feeling slightly twitchy as I knew what would happen, and low and behold, she lit up. 'It's ok, we're outside' she said, inches from my new born and puffing smoke all over.

Smoking is bad for children but I also HATE smoking. It has given my grandad cancer, killed my nana, it is unnecessary and stinky. DH smokes the sly one at work and he knows I can't stick it, but he always changes when he gets in from work so that it is not in the fibres of his clothes when he picks up DS (this is out of habit at this point as we were told this was important when DS was young and has apnoea/chest infections, etc. DH has carried it on which is fine with me).

I am pregnant again and the smell makes me physically sick.

MIL has 3 hours with DS on a Wednesday. She has picked this day and gets angry if we cancel for any reason (although it's fine for her to cancel when she so wishes). She wants him on her own specifically (well with her DH) so we can't be there. The past few times, DS has come home smelling extra smokey. SIL let slip that she sometimes holds him in the kitchen doorway whilst they smoke in the kitchen. I made it clear this was not ok as smoke doesn't go 'oh a baby, I'll steer clear and go over here by the open window'.

Today he has come home after 3 hours literally smelling like he has been chain smoking. Cue me puking after one cuddle as heavily pregnant and just can't help it. DH then sniffed him to see what the fuss was over and actully agreed when I could clearly see he desperately wanted me to be wrong/overreacting.

He's 1 for God's sake. She's been going on about how she wants us to take him round more, etc. I can't see how she can be allowed to mind him when she purposely goes against the one wish we have.

I let it go when she fed him 3 packs of crisps and half a packet of biscuits, etc as I thought I should pick my battles (even though she had been told he wasn't to eat masses of junk food as it's not good for him, he's none the wiser as to whether it's a treat or not and he can't poo!!).

But I feel this is a battle to fight. Particularly when we have another baby on the way. She used to kick off if we wouldn't let her have DS overnight when he was a few weeks/months old but he would just come back stinking. She's going to expect the new one to stay overnight too and she has been pushing the smoking boundaries more and more so she will think she can smoke around the new one.

She can't smoke around either. Why the hell would people smoke around babies?

What can I do about this?

sorry why has the selfish old bat got him unsupervised??

say no, fullstop. NO!

No one smokes near my children they leave my house AND my garden, and then theyre not to go near for atleast an hour, strict yes but ds has been seriously ill with breathing problems!

YA DEFFINATLY NBU!

How should I raise the issue with someone who will immediately start screeching and shouting and denying or defending the behaviour?

MamaVoo- her house is smokey anyway so he always comes back smokey but tonight he has the real tar smell about him that smokers have. I had to strip him down straight away and wash his hair. Even his socks whiffed of it!

Georgie- how did he get into that speaking to her as an adult frame of mind? Did she shout him down a lot? How did he answer?

DH knows it's her but hears me moaning on about it and gets annoyed at me- might it be worth me showing him this thread?

Sorry, I keep cross posting.

And yes, it's a good point that it's cold and windy and she probably doesn't want to stand outside. Hadn't thought of that.

JJ- she used to go out to smoke when he was a little baby, then come back in and cuddle and kiss him on the lips so he might as well have been smoking at a couple of days old. So I get why you use the hour rule.

It was hard. It's been a very gradual process whereby he has come to let go of the past (something I have consistently encouraged without actually bad mouthing his mother) and resolve to just do a better job of being a parent himself. It wasn't as easy as DS was born and DH immediately shrugged off the mantle of mad mother. It has taken a lot of time and tears.

As I said, she isn't the screechy, argumentative type, but the sulk for months, refuse to speak, through a tantrum and lock herself in her bedroom type. In some ways easier to deal with people like that because if you can break your reaction to it, you can just leave them in the bedroom sulking.

Let her scream and shout and much as she wants and just calmly say its not up for discussion and thats the end. Nothing is more important than the wellbeing of your child. If she really doesn't respect that, she doesn't deserve to look after her GC.
Oh and the junk food thing! I sooooo wouldn't have been able to let that go. I told my nan off once (not in a nasty way) as she gave my DS a biscuit not long after breakfast. When I asked her if he was still hungry and asking for food (which I would have understood) she said no. She is forever offering food about an hour before his tea. We have set meals and snack times and sometimes he can have a biscuit, but mainly he prefers breadsticks or something anyway. Why do GPs think that all snacks have to be 'bad' things?

totally, personally id give you a medal for not killing her, my mil did far less and i freaked, gave her a slap and ceased contact for a year! ok so a bad way of dealing with it but i was heavily pregnant

Ive no idea how to say deal with her, except maybe a polite letter with a large report found online with all the facts about smoking around kids and maybe the nhs stop smoking pack saying about his health being priority and that he will no longer be visiting whilst she disregards that, and then ignore calls/texts/her showing up etc.

Time will hopefully allow her to think.

YANBU. Your child, your rules. FFS passive smoking is just as dangerous as your DS lighting up himself. I would say NO visits to her house at all end of.

Agree with Brunette lady. Let her rant, stay calm and stick to your guns. I'd like to hear her defend her behaviour - how?? If she denies it, I think you just have to say he stinks and that is evidence enough for you.

Wouldn't normally advise showing dh a MN thread about his mother in case it caused more problems but since not one single person thinks YABU (a record??) then perhaps just this once...in fact I'd half consider showing HER the thread...

yadefodefonbu!!

This is that dreadful woman again isn't it?

Draw the line, cut the visits. Now.

i don't get this MIL has him for 3 hours, she picked the day shite... do you have ANY say in that at all? She's ffing kidnapping him FGS.

No, she has no automatic right of custody FGS, it's by tacit approval and agreement by you. She's not respecting you and she's actually harming your child. Enough!

Buy her a pack of Nicorette and tell her when she's kicked that killer habit, then she can have him around.

If she's really motivated and caring a grandmother as I bet she thinks she is, she can do it...

Just thinking on..

There ought to be somewhere we can put these foul MILs...

GRAN-TANAMO BAY??

YANBU about the smoking OR the junk food. If your MIL wants to trash her health, that's her problem. She isn't entitled to the privilege of ruining your son's health too.

Let her scream and screech and DO NOT give in. You're the mother and what you say will happen will happen. Period.

She treated your DH badly...don't let her repeat the cycle with your son.

In a similar situation but have less control sadly.

My ex-P has our son at the weekend. His grandmother who he lives with is a awful smoker. Everything comes home stinking of fags....hes dirty clothes, clean clothes cos her house reeks of it.

My Ex-P promises she goes into the other room and doesnt smoke around DS but I have my doubts as he smells of smoke when he returns home.

I cant stop my EX P seeing his son and nor would I want to. He used to be with me on this issue but sadly his nose has become used to the smell and he doesnt see it as a huge problem any more.

She is very old......I wont say what the solution is but Im sure you can all put 2 & 2 together. Feel bad thinking it as shes such good gran to my son otherwise.

Anyway OP YANBU.

Please refuse to let her have him until you are convinced she isnt smoking around him. I cant change my situation but you can.

Is it a record? A MIL thread that everyone agrees with the OP? lol. Although it is totally justified and anyone who came and said "no, let her smoke around him" would be a bit nuts!

Onadietcokebreak- Good name by the way, loved those adverts! Your situation is definately worse as you can't control it and it's whole weekends. Poor you But you're right, I can face mine and do something about it.

GroundHogs- Don't know why women turn into evil witches when their DSs get married or have children. It's weird. I'll not be like that.

I've told DH he has to say something to her. He sighed. He agrees with me but he won't actually say anything to her as he can't face the wrath of the she-devil. Plus she then bitches to the whole family and manipulates them into being on her side. So next time it comes to her looking after him I'm going to either make DH speak to her and say it's unacceptable and if he comes back stinking like that again, she'll not be having him at hers and can just visit him at ours (although the refuses to come to our house as 'why should' she). Or I'm going to have to tell her she can;t have him and if she asks why I'll say because it's become apparant that she's smoking around him and we've made it clear from the start that that is not to happen.

Does that sound ok? Too forceful? Not forceful enough?

That sounds like a totally resonable thing to say. If she won't come to yours (sounds like she really can't be bothered) she will miss out on seeing her GC, her problem, not yours.

YANBU

I wouldn't let her have my child at all

Loving GRAN TANAMO BAY .

YANBU

No YANBU.

Find something to go on wednesday so she can't have him anymore and say no other day is convenient?

The bullying, manipulative attitude is very worrying. unfortunately it sounds like this works for her as it gets her what she wants. it seems like you and dh have given in to her in the past (very understandable) and she sees this as her way of doing what she likes now as eventually you will cave in to her way of thinking. It sounds like this is making you and dh very unhappy as well as damaging your ds's health. Maybe sit down with your dh and say 'this is a problem, how are we going to solve it?'

PEOple often look at worse case scenario when they are frightened like your dh and think 'she will never speak to us again' but then she pretty much has your whole life to ransom. He might have to accept she won't speak to him for a while but if you keep calling her maybe once a week so you are trying to maintain contact i think eventally she will come round. If you think she's bad now, wait til you have 2, she gets older, incurs health problems and wants you round there looking after her.

I wouldn't have anyone childminding a small kid who screamed and shouted when they lost their temper.
Why do you need her to have him unsupervised anyway? If it doesn't suit you and it's not convenient say no. Get your husband on board though, his opinions matter here, hers don't if she's that unpleasant.

I am posting as a MIL and a GM. I absolutely agree that this MIL is behaving irresponsibly and selfishly and that the situation should not continue. However I notice that most of you always advise that that the H or P should have the "talk" with his mother and usually he is reluctant to do so. On one hand I can see the logic in this but I'm not convinced it is the right way forward where there are difficulties.

The thing is if the H or D has the "talk" then the DIL does not know what he has said, how he said it (has he played down the issue, just to get it over with, or has he blown it up more than necessary)and she doesn't know the MIL's response. Presumably the H or P reports back to his W or P but you are getting a second hand account and it must be difficult to work out what was actually said and how the matter has been resolved or not. In addition, if the DIL doesn't talk directly to her MIL surely they are both left in a difficult position, with at best an "atmosphere" between the 2 or at worst some kind of meltdown from the MIL.

Why can't the mother of the child (as usually the problems seem to arise over the child) not talk with her MIL directly together with the H or P and then you will at least know what has taken place, rather than relying on some second hand account and trying to work out "who said what" etc etc. Are some of you women who want your H or P to deal with these situations on his own afraid to talk to your MILs - you don't usually sound like the shy retiring types to be honest! You don't have to be confrontational - surely in this case just explain calmly that you are getting increasingly worried about the smoking and you know she loves the baby, but you do need to know that she won't smoke around him any more. You don't have to issue ultimatums but of course you do need to take action if continuing requests go unheeded.

I tend to feel that negative comments are taken more seriously if the family member rather than the inlaw makes them, particularly when the inlaws don't get on, then it's easy to shrug off the comment with "it's just her moaning again, she doesn't like me anyway" rather than take it seriously.
I also think women baby their husbands too much and let them off the confrontational stuff because the poor dears "don't like it".
I also find it a bit controlling when women want to take over their husband's affairs and his family relationships.

I think you should speak to her together, united. That way, as nananina says, you know what has been said, and there is a better chance she will adhere to your rules if she sees she can't manipulate you individually.

What you have planned to say in your last post sounds about right. It probably will be tough but do stick to what you say you will do if it doesn't stop, that is vital, an empty threat is so counter productive, don't make them. If it turns nasty, just leave it there, saying you will talk when she has calmed herself down and in the meantime, no visits...