Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want people to actually buy christmas presents for DD?

65 replies

MirandaAnn · 16/12/2009 15:43

Hi,
I'm new here so I hope it's ok to just jump in!

This Christmas will be DD's first one. She is our first child and as I'm sure you can imagine we have been eagerly anticipating this Christmas for ages!

Anyway, DH's family are proving to be useless and lazy regarding her presents. Out of the whole of his side of the family, and there are lots of them...only one person has actually physically bought a present. The 8 others, including his Mum, are giving money.

I objected this and asked nicely for them to buy something with the money instead as we would like for her to have a pile of presents to open. She is almost 1 and at the stage where she just wants to mess with everything, so she will no doubt have plenty of fun ripping open piles of things without being moved away or told no! And we have really been looking forward to seeing it.

Anyway, they all come back with the same thing 'She won't even know what's going on'...that may be the case, but she will be delighted by all of the things and shiny paper. It just seems lazy to me, and I have even said that if they get the cards and money early enough then I will buy and wrap presents for her on their behalf, but they are all being sent along with DH's Mum on christmas eve, at which point it will be too late to do anything about it. She is 'busy' every other day leading up to Christmas apparently.

She will have presents from us obviously, and my side of the family, but it just seems so lazy and has really got my back up that they have all seemed to agree they don't need to get actual gifts for her. I mean I'm even offering to do the shopping and wrapping for them, I am really grateful for them spending money on her, but it just seems a little half hearted, I don't know.

Sorry for such a long post but it's driving me crackers. For the first few months of her life, they were always here and making an effort...but now she isn't a tiny baby anymore, it seems as though they aren't quite as bothered.

I may be unreasonable, but I am just a little dissapointed with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MirandaAnn · 16/12/2009 16:03

Apparently so Morloth. Mental I am, you got it spot on

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 16/12/2009 16:07

I don't thing YABU per se. but believe me if you end up with too much you will have an over tired, over excited, hyped up baby after the first 6.
Believe me you will very probably be very very glad on christmas day that they did only give money.
Believe me I was as pfb as the come with my dd and know exactly how you feel but further down the line I did realise that the dc's get so overwhelmed by all the coming and going and presents that you end up very grateful for the presents that haven't arrived yet or the people that sent money.

gagamama · 16/12/2009 16:12

I echo what others have said. She won't care what's in the parcels, if she pays any attention to them at all, so just wrap up some low-value things that you'd buy for her anyway - clothes, toiletries, small toys, that kind of thing, and spend the rest of the money on her another time. She won't understand what the presents are about and certainly won't sit there and rip open each and every one with awe and excitement. My DD is the same age and we are only getting her a few token gifts in case she takes an interest in unwrapping.

DecorHate · 16/12/2009 16:15

Actually I don't think yabu - my ILs are like this - would far rather bung some cash in an envelope than actually take the time to choose something that my dcs would like. I would worry that this is not a one-off due to her age but their general attitude to present-giving. Do they have any other grandchildren and if so what do they do for them?

Regardless of how small a child is I find it strange that a grandparent especially would not take pleasure in buying them a little something. (Mine often got clothes at that age).

My ILs have now reached new depths - they are not getting my dcs anything this year - basically due to can't-be-bothered-ness. If I find out that they have got their other grandchildren presents I will be livid....

SE13Mummy · 16/12/2009 16:17

You could do what we did for Christmas until DD1 reached the age of 4... we wrapped up some things that already belonged to her because what she enjoyed was the unwrapping. She was thrilled to unwrap her own toys and last year (she'd just turned 4) because we didn't wrap up her own stuff she did it herself reusing paper from new gifts. She's asked us this year to wrap up some of her toys because she likes trying to guess what we've wrapped!

Original poster
MirandaAnn · 16/12/2009 16:19

Thankyou DecorHate, that is my point exactly. They don't really do presents, my DH says that he never remembers getting presents from them, they used to just give him money even when he was small, and then his granny (nicest lady ever) would take him shopping to spend it. They are just those kind of people, very conservative and not sentimental at all. We are very different people I guess.

OP posts:
MrsSantosnotSanta · 16/12/2009 16:20

Welcome to mumsnet

Errm, you posted in AIBU!! If you want a gentle introduction then you could try posting in Good Housekeeping (or whatever it is, I rarely darken their threads, slattern that I am)

Of course you are BU - save the money and get her something she will actually appreciate when she is a bit older (play equipment for the garden perhaps). Seriously, one year olds do not give a fig for Christmas. They quite like sparkly lights but they get bored quickly. She has some stuff to "open" but she won't have a clue what's going on - really.

It also saves you from a depressingly large pile of rubbishy plastic or ugly soft toys which you quickly come to loathe

Hope you have fun anyway

Morloth · 16/12/2009 16:22

So why should they change to suit you?

Original poster
MirandaAnn · 16/12/2009 16:25

Morloth it is not to suit me, it is for my daughter - their first grandchild. And please remember I haven't demanded anything, I asked nicely, and I just accepted it when they ignored it. I haven't been ungrateful or rude to them, I said fair enough, so I thought I would sulk on here instead. But what do I know? I'm 'mental'

OP posts:
HeffaMerryChristmas · 16/12/2009 16:26

Welcome to Mumsnet

I can see where you're coming from but I think YABU. Why not get a couple of big boxes and wrap them up? Then she can have fun ripping off the paper and playing in the boxes.

I quite like getting money for DD, she has plenty of toys and her savings account will be useful when she's older.

AxisofEvil · 16/12/2009 16:26

Different families have different attitudes. My family is very much that most children get mostly cash - for their future if they are small, to buy what they like if they are older (say over 8). Which for me worked out well and meant that when I was 18 I had a thousand or so accumulated which helped with university.

Dh is horrified by this though and insisted that despite cash suggestions from their parents we bought actual presents for neices and nephews on my side. Plus for adults in my family its standard to name your own present and often to buy it and get reimbursed. Which again he finds horrifying.

piscesmoon · 16/12/2009 16:29

They all sound really sensible. Just give her the paper from your presents and she will be quite happy.

Stigaloid · 16/12/2009 16:30

YABU - and ungrateful - your DD will be much more grateful when she is 18 and her child trust matures and the money put in now can go towards a new car or Uni costs etc. She wont have the energy to open piles of presents, won't really understand what is going on and won't be all that interested. It is like 1st birthday parties - they are always more for the parents than the baby - she won't know it being all that different from any other day. Wait until she is around 3 and she can sing carols and get into the swing of it. Be grateful for your in laws for giving anything and gracious in acceptance.

DecorHate · 16/12/2009 16:30

Miranda, I agree it is very hard when two sides of the family have very different attitudes to this. I will report back after Christmas as to whether or not my dcs noticed the lack of anything from dh's side of the family!

But in your case I think all you can do is seethe inwardly for now and get your dd some nice things after Christmas or wait till later and buy her some toys or clothes once she outgrows her current ones.

I am very tempted to decide to visit the ILs over Christmas (they live abroad) to see what happens then!

frogetyfrog · 16/12/2009 16:34

Of course this is a wind up imo. Nobody is this precious. I know relatives who give nothing - no money, present or anything. Close relatives too. I would love my children to be given money then I can put it all together and get something they really want (have you seen the price of lego sets!!). As long as they have something to unwrap its fine - and anyway they seem to spend more time unwrapping ours rather than theirs so there is plenty in total!

googietheegg · 16/12/2009 16:35

What's with the point scoring? Their lives don't have to revolve around your children, even if they are their grandchildren. Some grandparents are different to others...get over it!

MsDoctor · 16/12/2009 16:39

Open a bank account. I can see where you're coming from but it's because of this naivety that you are longing for lots of useless shit, I promise you will enjoy spending it!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 16/12/2009 16:41

Well, I think yabu in that, it wont matter, she won't care. However, sounds like family are using this as an excuse to not bother rather than genuinely thinking it.

MamaLazarou · 16/12/2009 16:43

YABU. As you have said in your OP, she will already have things to open, and she'll probably end up just playing with the boxes anyway.

StayingSantasGirl · 16/12/2009 16:47

I remember our first christmas with ds1 - he's an august baby, so really wasn't old enough to appreciate Christmas at all, but all the close relatives were excited about it and wanted the fun of choosing him something - and I have to confess that I enjoyed opening all his presents for him.

I can understand why you feel hurt that your ILs aren't interested in their first grandchild's first christmas - but you are going to have a lovely day with your dd, and that's what's important.

And some posters have made some very good points about the amount of plastic tat that builds up around small children - seriously, I think it breeds in the boxes when you turn the lights out - and suggesting that you save the money to get something fun for her in the summer is a great idea.

At about one-and-a-half years old, she'll be just old enough to enjoy a paddling pool or sandpit in the garden next summer, or a Little Tikes toddler climbing frame, and you could get that out of the money she's being given this Christmas.

My MIL did once save up two years worth of christmas and birthday presents for all three dses, and bought them a climbing frame from the ELC - and that was a wonderful toy for them.

Wrap up some small stuff, put on loads of sparkly lights for her to look at, have a glass of wine/box of chocolates/mince pie* and have a lovely Christmas!

    • delete as appropriate
knpeppa · 16/12/2009 16:56

I agree that just giving money can sometimes look lazy but for an under-one year old it is a practical thing to do. She will have just as much fun playing with the paper and boxes. Enjoy your clutter-free existence while you can!

Morloth · 16/12/2009 17:08

The mental really stung didn't it? I would apologise but I am not actually sorry, I use it as a catchall for silly behaviour.

You do want them to change for your DD when they have been quite happy previously. Also you called them useless and lazy when in fact they just do things differently to how you think they should be done.

You are in for a very very rough 20 years or so if you don't learn to let things slide.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 16/12/2009 17:13

And also money is handy for things over the coming year, can be put away for outdoor toys for the summer or big purchases like the next stage car seat, these are things I have spent monetary gifts to the dc's on and the people giving the money are always pleased to have contributed to something useful rather than plastic junk that won't still be around next year.

Also a bit of perspective for you about how much your dd won't know or care as well.
My ds is 4 in April and someone asked him the other day if he was getting nice presents from Santa next week, he told them he already had. He had been to see santa at a party and got a gift so for him who knows it is christmas has no recollection of all his previous christmas thus has no expectation of what is happening nest week.

I'm sory but you say this is for your daughter it isn't really it is about your expectations on christmas morning your dd is not old enough to know, care or remember in years to come.
Like I said before I can totally understand your excitement but I still think that in times to come you will be eternally grateful that this is happening.
I also think you are over estimating how much an almost one year old is actually going to be interested believe me after a few presents she will have lost interest anyway.

Brunettelady · 16/12/2009 19:20

Hi and welcome to AIBU. I found the hard way that some comments are not always that helpful on here!!

I think it is a bit of both tbh. I can see your point about wanting a big pile of presents etc. My DS is a January baby so he was 11 months last xmas. He had quite a few presents which did take ages to open and it was plenty enough for him. I was glad to have some money which we saved back for a smart trike in the summer (which was a great idea as he bloody loves it). We also put some money from his 1st birthday into his trust fund thinking that he is too young know to know any different on not having a present from his nan (she wanted to know what to get and I suggested money for his trust fund which she thought was a really good idea). At this age they have sooooooo much, she really will appreciate it when she is 18 and looking for a deposit/money for uni/driving lessons etc. If driving lessons are £20 per hr now, what are they going to be in 17 years time!!

verytellytubby · 16/12/2009 20:22

You will look back and laugh in a few years. I'm over run with plastic crap and would be so over the moon if relatives offered money instead!

My DD spent her first Christmas day playing with the wrapping paper and the hat that came out of the cracker. I don't think we even bought her a present.

Swipe left for the next trending thread