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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend has some far out views on potty training

54 replies

girlafraid · 16/12/2009 14:08

Her DS has started school and is still in nappies. The school have made some suggestions about getting him trained, cue outrage and comment that "new research" suggest nappies are fine up until 7.

Am I being ridiculously old school or is she in fact MAD???

OP posts:

spicemonster · 16/12/2009 15:04

I don't particularly care what age other people potty train their children but I do think it is spectactularly arrogant to think it's okay to send your child to school in nappies

AllarmBells · 16/12/2009 15:06

My DD struggled till 4.9, when a combination of poo chart with big reward after 10 poos and age (I think) got her out of nappies at night. She would save up the poo and do it in the nappy at night, so strictly speaking she wasn't really clean in the daytime.

The modern advice on potty training seems to be "don't rush them, don't tell them off, always be positive", never to push them a bit. I think the trouble is, if DCs aren't told off, some of them will be quite happy pooing in a nice warm nappy whenever they feel like it instead of parking themselves on the cold loo. Sure, some of them potty train themselves because they hate the smell or want to be grown up or whatever, but those things didn't remotely bother my DD.

We did start to say to DD "that's a shame, you've got a messy bum, if you poo in the loo it will be nice and clean" - she got the message and would chant "Where do poos go? In the loo!" but wouldn't fit the action to the word. We got really fed up of cleaning it up and I honestly thought she'd never be clean if we didn't get a bit strict. But I can see why parents are reluctant to intervene if the DC is determined not to move on from nappies.

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 15:10

I didn't send my DS to school in nappies, but up until recently he was still having many accidents during the day - it IS common and around 90% of his Reception class were having accidents that week.

I did take him to the doctor to ask him about it and he wasn't worried in the slightest - it isn't apparently a problem until they reach 7yo.

Maybe she was just fed up and stressed out by it and didn't know what to do for the best.

And from what I can tell the other 4-5yo's don't tease each other about it (yet)

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 15:12

I think for the majority of people who haven't had a problem with potty training it is very difficult to understand how hard it can be for some people.

TheShowMustGoOn · 16/12/2009 15:19

Hm yes my Ds is ASD and almost 5 - he is impsossible to toilet train.

DD is 3 and sailed into it, but she has regressed so we have an accident almost every day. I have no idea is she is copying her brother or it's something else.

GrumpyWhenWoken · 16/12/2009 15:23

My school stipulates that the children must be able to go to the loo on their own before starting. Which is fair enough, you can't have teachers changing nappies can you?

TheShowMustGoOn · 16/12/2009 15:28

They can say that - but can't enforce it - it falls under disability laws.

My son will be 5 1/2 when he starts at his mainstream achool and though I hope and pray he will be out of nappies if he isn't the school have a duty to cater for his need.

How is it that different from cleaning and chnging a child that has wet his pants in class? Teacher friends of mine have 7 year olds that very occasionally do this.

FimbleHobbs · 16/12/2009 15:29

At my school there is a child in Y1 who wears pull ups and sadly the other children do tease him about it. If a child wasn't day-trained at 4 or 5 I would assume it was for a medical reason tbh.

TheShowMustGoOn · 16/12/2009 15:34

I do wonder about this. DS (almost 5) goes to a nursery school where he will follow on to Y1 but only for two days a week,the rest of the time he goes to preschool.

I send him in pullups because I know he has no control - however- he always comes home clean and dry.

The few times I've set him in in pants though they have had to change him at least twice.

Maybe it's a security thing? Gosh I'd love the answer.

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 15:50

Like I said before, our doctor said it wasn't a medical problem until they reach about 6/7yo. He refused to do any tests on DS1 as they are quite stressful for little ones apparently. There was nothing else I could do other than put up with the situation as it was.

The mother in question here was probably just feeling defensive knowing how judgemental some people are....for example there are MNers who have accused people of being lazy and bad parents for not potty training their children by 2.5yo.

TheShowMustGoOn · 16/12/2009 15:55

Oh but equally those that train by 18 months are branded pushy.

My goddaughter was using the toilet and even cleanig herself properly by the age of 2 but she initiated it all herself.

My friend had to put up with 'she can go to the toilet but still wants to breastfeed' type comments.

Why the nastiness at either end of the spectrum?

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 16:08

I know, I don't really care if someone's child is potty trained or not...I'm just glad that mine now is (most of the time)

I'm not one for competitive parenting generally though.

spicemonster · 16/12/2009 16:08

The people I was thinking of had never bothered to even try potting training their children. I know it's not easy for all children - my DS is back in nappies after 2 months of trying to potty train and it has been a total failure.

Just because some of us have problems doing it doesn't mean that all children in nappies start school have issues, for some of them the only issue is slightly inept parenting IMO

spicemonster · 16/12/2009 16:11

The main thing that annoyed me about it was that it hadn't even occurred to them that the teachers might have an issue with it. I may well end up having to explain to my DS's first teacher than he isn't entirely continent but at least I am aware it might be an issue. Although I am praying hard he will be out of nappies by then. They're a pain in the arse

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 16:13

I have to disagree. DS1 didn't have any kind of medical condition and I tried absolutely everything to get him dry in the day, it reduced me to tears on numerous occasions and part of me wished it was something medical so I had an explanation for it.

I find it very hard to believe that people keep their children in nappies out of laziness

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 16:16

They could just as easily be those 'Feel and Learn' type pull-ups though couldn't they?

I have sent DS1 to school in washable training pants - what is the difference? I mean if he poos in his pants, he poos in his pants - it is disgusting to deal with whatever he is wearing.

spicemonster · 16/12/2009 16:19

Honestly I swear to god that at least one of the couples I'm thinking of (and I'm not entirely sure about the other one because I don't know them well enough) had never ever tried to potty train their DD. They just assumed she'd give up nappies of her own volition at some point. Perhaps some children do?

My DS will be 3 in March and has no inclination whatsoever to get out of nappies. At least now he's back in them I'm not cleaning poo and wee up 20 times a day

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 17:05

She is MAD,CRAZY, my 2.9 year old is still in nappies , i did try 2 months ago and put her in knickers for a month no result at all. She is so not ready yet, dd goes to the nursery attatched to the school in March when she is 3 and i will force her out of nappies. I would hate my child to be in nappies at school age, unless they have a disability of course thats different. The poor dc of this person is going to be totally isolated and stand out.

TheShowMustGoOn · 16/12/2009 17:25

pigletmania good luck 'forcing' your child out of nappies.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/12/2009 17:30

spicemonster DS 1 showed NO inclination to come out of nappies (aged 3 and 2 months) , but he was going to a new playgroup and needed to be potty trained. As I mentioned earlier, I was wary of pushing because a close friend was having all sorts of shenanigans with her DS, having started when he was 2. At 3 I felt pretty confident that he could have physical control.

I started by leaving my son and DH alone to have a "big boys in pants" day (God knows what they did , because I thought DH would be less stressed about it than me. Bingo. It worked !

TulipsAndTinsel · 16/12/2009 17:41

dd was referred to paeds for her constant wetting.

paed no. 1 told us 'no need to worry, she'll get it herself in time, put her in pull-ups for school if it makes life easier'

paed no. 2 told us 'she's still in nappies at night that's unacceptable, you must night train her or she'll get lazy'

she's almost 5 btw

verytellytubby · 16/12/2009 17:46

Makes me feel better. DT's finally were out of nappies just after their 3rd birthday after a massive struggle. Seriously though, I'm flabbergasted. How awful for the child (and how lazy of the parents if there are no SN issues).

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/12/2009 17:55

DD is back in nappies at nearly 4, she now suffers from chronic constipation which Doctor thinks is psychological rather than physical, this has impacted on her dryness as well. Am mortified at the thought that she will be still in nappies when she starts school. We have a few months though to sort it out, but worried as this bout of constipation was caused we think when we moved out to have our kitchen done. She doesn't cope with change well.

Washersaurus · 16/12/2009 19:59

Y'see it doesn't take long for those who haven't experienced it to come along spouting 'they are lazy parents'

I don't necessarily think that nappies until 7 are reasonable, but people should remember that some children are only just 4yo when they start school in Reception.

I really think that this is an issue between the parents and the school, as you don't know all/any of the details it isn't really your place to comment.

FiveGoMad - DS1 also suffered with chronic constipation and was prescribed Movicol when he was a toddler, I do think this had a big effect on him being wet so much for so long. He still tries to withhold poo now as I suppose he can recall the pain, and I'm not sure his bowel ever returned to its normal size.

His school have been very supportive and we have an action plan stating DS' problems and whoever cleans him up has to sign it and detail the action taken etc.

poshsinglemum · 16/12/2009 20:08

I think that she's been really cruel. Dosn't she worry about bullying. NUTS!

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