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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a. a school should care if a child refuses to go, and b. to try to do something about it?

39 replies

GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 08:58

I'm a bit cross so this may contain some swearing.

Fuckingbastardtwats.

5 times this term I have spoken to them.

FIVE!

stupidfuckingshitheadtwat 'family liason' nicey nice, 'oh dear, what a shame' person has promised me FIVE times that she'll 'have a word' and 'get her mentor' to 'have a chat' with DD.

Nothing.

This morning after 2 hours of screaming, shouting, 1 bathroom door broken and hanging off it's hings, 1 shower door broken and hanging off, I drive her to the sodding fucking place.

get home.

Phone stupidfuckingshite liason person AGAIN. her response?

'well i've set the wheels in motion, i'll pop along and see if shes alright'

bollocks to her. what about me? I have bruises on my arms and think i',m having a breakdown. and an ulcer.

they obviously don't give a shit whether she goes or not.

If i wasn't so pissed off with it all and needing a break from the incessant shouting, whining, crying, hitting, breaking i'd let her sodding stay home.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 16/12/2009 09:00

How old is she and what is she saying when you ask her why she doesn't want to go?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:01

she is 11. been refusing for years for many different reasons. seeing CAHMS.

OP posts:
Skegness · 16/12/2009 09:03

Poor you. You've done brilliantly to get her there. Does she behave very differently in school? I guess if she's there and behaving herself they don't see the problems you are having. How old is she? Has this been going on for a long time? What are the reasons behind it?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:05

and yes. he only does this when i'm around in the mornings.
if i'm working either DH or my M is here and she makes nowhere near as much fuss for them. so it's obviously my fault and i don't know what to do about it. i make her miserable.
i really can't do this any more.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 16/12/2009 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Skegness · 16/12/2009 09:07

Sorry- x post.
Do you have any support for you rather than her?

Skegness · 16/12/2009 09:08

Can't dh take her every day then? And you concentrate on building your relationship with her rather than the constant stress?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:09

i'm not cut out for doing it myself at home. we'd end up killing each other. apart from the fact that both me and dh have to work full time to feed/clothe/house us all.
i'm just surprissed that this huge supposedly 'marvelous' school don't give a shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:10

We both work silly shifts. DH only around very occasionally in the mornings. mother also works but can have them sometimes if i have to work early.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 16/12/2009 09:37

How awful for you both to have that stress each day.

Clearly someone else needs to take her. If your DH can't change shifts (or jobs??!!) then personally, even if I couldn't afford it, I would hire an au pair or childminder for the morning school run......it's got to be worth a go??

I am sure it's not that you make her miserable but more that she feels some sort of power struggle with you that she doesn't with your mum or her dad.

So exercise the power you do have as a parent, and take yourself out of the equation in the mornings, I would say. Because that's how you can win this particular power struggle - because you ARE the adult, and DO have more power in the situation!

Skegness · 16/12/2009 09:39

No chance of changing the silly shifts round a bit so you are always on earlies and he always later? Some workplaces are getting a bit more enlightened about the need to offer flexibility to parent workers, though not all, I know. I think sometimes stepping away from the whole awful situation is the way forward rather than battling and battling. It would give you a chance to be with dd at less horrible times so you could start to see each other's lovely side, hopefully.

Skegness · 16/12/2009 09:40

x posts, cirrhosis.

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:41

no chance of changing - tis the nature of the job unfortunately.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 16/12/2009 09:43

What about a childminder/au pair then?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:47

too skint - don't think it would work anyway - just exchangiong 2 hours of shouting before school for 2 hours of shouting before dropping off somewhere else.
i'm calmer now. and sh'll probably be all normal tomorrow but it just so shit.
will wait and see what school have to say for themselves. if they offer any help at all.

OP posts:
AxisofEvil · 16/12/2009 09:49

Can you not escalate within the school and speak to someone more senior? Go to the head if necessary and make clear exactly what support you need.

bubblejet · 16/12/2009 09:51

I don't have anything very helpful to add but just wanted to show some support. Poor you, it must be hell. I had a year and a half of it with a 4/5 yr old who did grown out of it (very diff I know) but I remember just that feeling of its my fault, and being physically and mentally exhausted before the day had even begun. He was always an angel once I had left him at school so I always felt the school blamed me.
I also had similar when I was growing up, my sister hated school and made my mums life a misery. My mum is wonderful - wasn't her fault and I'm sure not yours.

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:52

if they don't talk to DD today i will be.

problem is i'm not sure what help i do need.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 16/12/2009 09:52

If you get a childminder for one hour for the school run it will prob cost about £3 and you could try to combine that with family help?

They can pick up from you you know, you wouldn't have to drop there.....

I really don't think the school will be able to help - how could they, I genuinely can't think. Because it really sounds so clearly a power thing between you and your dd. The school can't sort that, I can't think of a way for them to do it? Unless the link worker calls in to pick her up?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 09:58

she's supposed to walk to school with all her friends, which she does (under duress) most days. Secondary school so no school run nor childminders doing drop off there.
nice idea though I do appreciate you trying to help find a solution. I'm hoping if the school talks to DD they might be able to get to the bottom of why she hates it so much and sort out some strategies to make it better (like avoiding assemblys and places where 1000 people are in one room which she can't handle).

OP posts:
yummyyummyyummy · 16/12/2009 10:04

Did she hate going to primary school ?

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 10:06

yup. just the same. at least these days she will walk with friends mostly. a couple of years ago if i didn't carry her in screaming she would go at all.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 16/12/2009 10:08

hmm yes I know childminders etc not usually necessary for secondary! Just a thought...

Is she awaiting CAMHS? Or seeing them already? Surely you should be able to contact them for a bit of advice via Ed Psych or something?

I do sympathise as I had a dreadful time getting my ds to school in his reception year - DH at work, just me struggling...you do feel very alone and it's a horrible thing to have to go through alone, very very stressful. So I have had a small taste of what you have.

Original poster
GloriaInEccentrica · 16/12/2009 10:09

next appointment with cahms afte christmas. we'll see.........

OP posts:
FakePlasticChristmasTrees · 16/12/2009 10:11

you have bruises from her this morning and broke the shower?

Does she get pocket money? can you get your DH (who she seems to give more respect to) to tell her pocket money is stopped until the repairs are paid for? Take away anything like a TV or computer (or something she values) from her as punishment for hurting her (show her the bruises when she's calm). Can you and DH sit down with her together and ask if there's a resonable explaination why she's behaving like this (be bullied at school etc) and if not, then life will be horrible for her if she continues like this.

You can't be shrugging off violence from an 11 year old, she's old enough to know that's seriously crossing the line and old enough to do you some damage.

so sorry for you, it must be horrid situation.