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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to now feel DP is/was unreasonable with his F1 jolly?

35 replies

GreenMonkies · 13/12/2009 17:40

DP is an F1 freak, I am fine with this, I like it too, but not as much as him. He goes off on jollies a few times a year, generally to Silverstone etc, camping with his dad, brother and nephew and has a great time and all is well.

He is currently on his way home from a Karting jolly in Munich. He went with two people he knows via Twitter, he'd never met them before, and they have been racing against one or more F1 drivers all weekend. He left the house at about 8 on Thursday morning and will arrive home about 8ish tonight.

Would it be peevish of me to be pissed off with how long he's been away?

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind him going, I just mind that he's been gone for 4 days, leaving me with two seasonally hyper girls (6 & 3.5). He was so taken up with what he was doing he didn't do any tidying on Wednesday when he was at home, instead he went shopping for a new suitcase (because the rucksacks we have wouldn't do ) and left me trying to scurry around getting the place tidy enough for the cleaner to be able to see the surfaces and floor on Thursday afternoon, before I went to work on Thursday morning. He was so vague (not unusual) that when I asked him initially what time he was leaving on Thursday he said 10am, so I assumed he would take DD1 to school. No. His flight from Manchester was at 10, so I had to run around like loon getting both kids ready and drop her off at breakfast club, all at the last minute, whilst he focused entirely on getting himself ready and out the door.

Or am I just jealous that he seems to be able to bugger off on a whim whilst I am left at home with the kids.....?

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 13/12/2009 17:49

sounds pretty petty to get pissed off after he's gone and done it. you should have objected before hand

Openbook · 13/12/2009 17:49

Yeah you are jealous - who wouldn't be. But now you'd better decide how you're going to handle it when he gets home. I'd probably be nice but start planning a spa weekend for myself.

FakePlasticChristmasTrees · 13/12/2009 17:52

can you organise a girl's weekend away? A trip to a spa (do an over night, it's not much more than a day package anyway) so that you can leave him in charge?

Oh, and I assume you'll get a nice gift?

FakePlasticChristmasTrees · 13/12/2009 17:52

Oh openbook, great minds etc.

trice · 13/12/2009 17:58

He has had a lovely holiday. That will stand him in good stead when you have your own weekend jolly. If you don't want to go away for the weekend then yabu and envious.

Original poster

GreenMonkies · 13/12/2009 18:02

To be honest I am frazzled too. The girls pulled a spectacular 3am wake up and didn't settle til after 5 last night, no doubt this is contributing to me now thinking he should go away for so long etc etc.

I am hoping to have some serious "me" time in the near future, but of course I will have to negotiate "childcare" with him, rather than just float off and do it when ever I please.

God, I really am narky. Openbook I am not going to have a go at him or anything, and mayorquimby yes, I know I should have objected before he went, but I didn't mind then!!

So I'll put on a happy face and suggest via text that he swing round by the off licence on his way home..........

OP posts:

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/12/2009 18:31

be clear with him

"I like you to have your fun, but I have had a hard 4 days entertaining the kids alone, I am frazzled and I need you to take over now and get me some wine"

He's a man remember! You need to TELL him

Original poster

GreenMonkies · 13/12/2009 18:47

LOL I texted him and suggested an off licence stop on his way home, his response;

"I've been travelling since 8.30am, I'd just like to come home"

OP posts:

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/12/2009 18:49

suggested???

Suggested?

good grief woman

Text him again and tell him not to come home unless he brings it!

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 13/12/2009 18:51

Text back 'and I'd like you to bring me a bottle of champagne to thank me for looking after everything while you had a lovely time. Don't come home without it!'

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/12/2009 18:54

WorkingItOut, that text sounds perfect

Green, send that text word for word - it's brilliant!!!

skidoodle · 13/12/2009 18:55

"Or am I just jealous that he seems to be able to bugger off on a whim whilst I am left at home with the kids.....?"

Well if you're jealous of that situation, then why do you put up with it?

He has just as much responsibility for the children as you have and should have to do the same kind of childcare negotiation that you would.

Maleeka · 13/12/2009 19:01

Not being funny but i read on here all the time, oh my OH has gone off on a jolly and i cant cope with the kids on my own, why?

How do you think single mums cope? its only for a few days fgs and i'm still laughing at tidying up for your cleaner? why?

Lay down the law and tell him you are going away yourself for some me time and leave him to look after the kids!

Original poster

GreenMonkies · 13/12/2009 19:05

"He has just as much responsibility for the children as you have and should have to do the same kind of childcare negotiation that you would."

I couldn't agree more! But in his head, even though he's brilliant with the kids, picks DD1 up from school etc when his shifts fall so that he is home in the week and so on, but,, but, in his head the default childcare position is me. I try and try to get this setting changed, but the reset button is eluding me!

I know really that I am BU, and it's because I've had a long 4 days of work and christmas prep and entertaining the DC's and shit sleep, but it just pisses me off sometimes, you know? In very typical bloke style, he is not actually thinking about how his few days of karting have impacted on the rest of the family. The girls have been asking when Daddy will be home since yesterday, which goes to show that no matter how hard I try to keep them entertained they have still missed him.

I shall text him and be clear that I need a reward, but the truth is he is jut being him (I should be used to him by now) and I am just tired and fed up.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenMonkies · 13/12/2009 19:09

Maleeka I don't know how single mums cope with children and work. I could cope fine on my own if I didn't have to juggle school runs and work as well as trying to keep the chaos at bay. And we tidy up for the cleaner (who only comes every other week) because she cleans for us, it's not her job to tidy our mess.

OP posts:

RainRainGoAway · 13/12/2009 19:10

You need wine woman!!

Do not allow him through the door without it. Text him immediately. !

BTW, I don't think that he has been away that long. I 'let' DH stay an extra 10 days when he went to do some courses in Thailand. I figured if he was well rested and happy then it is money in the bank for me!

Openbook · 13/12/2009 19:11

Cheer up!

upahill · 13/12/2009 19:17

I'm with Meelka on this one tbh Grenmonkey..

I know you're saying you are working on it but I too am amazed by the amounts of threads that say DH is away and it's all left to me. Why are people not able to say 'Listen up, I'm going away for a couple of days to such and such a place. You'll be fine!'
Obviously I am only talking about the couples where DH/DP goes away on fun breaks and they can afford it and the (usually wife)partners are left with kids.
TBH I really don't think it is typical bloke style. Certainly not with my DH or friends DH. I am the only female in my team and the men go away a lot on mountain bike weekends but their wives and partners also go away and do stuff as well.

I'm speaking as someone whose DH does go away to F1 meets that I'm not interested in but I go away hosteling to Scotland fairly regularly and mountain biking in the Lakes and have done since DS1 was 8 months old.

skidoodle · 13/12/2009 19:22

Well maybe you are B a little U this evening, but you've had a really tough four days so that he could go off enjoying himself and now he's not even prepared to go a little out of his way to get you some wine for a treat.

"In very typical bloke style, he is not actually thinking about how his few days of karting have impacted on the rest of the family. "

Then tell him. Probably not tonight when you are feeling peeved, but over the next few days.

You don't need to find his resent button, you need to find yours. He can only assume you are the default childcare if you allow him to.

Whenever he makes assumptions from now on, challenge them: "oh, you're planning to be away that weekend, what plans have you made for childcare?", "sorry, I you'll have to give me more notice than that, I'm not free then", etc.

Don't assume you are available just because he does. Don't always BE available. And not being available includes "sorry, you've been having a lot more time away from the children than me, I'm too tired to give you another break."

What single parents do isn't relevant. You're not a single parent, and it's important that your partnership is fair and doesn't lead to resentment.

GerbilMeasles · 13/12/2009 19:30

I suspect you know you were being a bit unreasonable - jolly was agreed in advance, but you're now tired and want him to take over.

He is now being unreasonable if he won't even pick up a bottle of wine from the offy on his way home (and the "I just want to get home" sounds like a precis of "I just want to get home and chill out without the hassle of having to "help out" with DCs") so I'm going with the YANBU vote.

Maleeka · 13/12/2009 19:33

Ok maybe i shouldnt have thrown in the single mum comment, but its all the "i cant cope" threads on here recently that make me sigh.

And a lot of them tend to be, well i didnt mind him going but now he's gone and i'm all resentful.

If my OH told me he was off for a few days, i wouldnt bat an eyelid and he knows that i'd be booking a few days off for me too.

Its about give and take, but unfortunately some men are not mindreaders so if you say you are ok with them going, well thats what they are gonna hear!

upahill · 13/12/2009 19:34

Hope he gets that wine for you greenmonkies. I'd be ordering some Green and Blacks Butterscotch for good measure!

Vallhala · 13/12/2009 19:45

Maleeka, spot on, especially about lone mothers.

GM, you'll get used to it. I've 2 DC (19 months in age between them), work, a very time-consuming commitment to a charity, no cleaner, no car, no childcare or support, but I manage and have done for nearly 13 years, since DD2 was 7 weeks old and DD1 20 months.

Given that you both work and the DC are both your and his children perhaps the solution is not to ask your DH but to tell him when you are going away for a break.

LeQueen · 13/12/2009 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hf128219 · 13/12/2009 19:49

Try 6 months on your own when dh is in Afghanistan!

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