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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not really want to go out without my baby?

60 replies

jaggythistle · 13/12/2009 15:29

A lot of people seem to think that all new parents will soon want a 'break' from their baby to get out somewhere.

This just isn't me. I am a bit of a homebody I suppose and don't get out much, but that's because H and I are happiest at home. (with a bottle of wine, perhaps)

When our S was less than a week old, my in-laws became obsessed with the idea that we needed to get a break and 'get out of the bubble at home'. They thought it was a great idea for us to go out for lunch and leave him with them. Bearing in mind I'd had an emergency c-section and been out of hospital about 4 days, so didn't really feel like 'doing lunch'. He was also exclusively bf so not all that convenient..

I'm sure they meant well, but it really stressed me out at the time, when they kept going on and on.

We have since taken him out to restaurants/cafes with us instead, which I think may have shocked them. He was fine by the way - except he wanted to eat too every time, so I had to be brave as I hadn't bf in public before!

We love spending time with him, and are in no hurry to get rid of him for the evening yet (he is almost 3 months now).

Am I strange to not be dying to get away from him?

He is a very 'good' baby, he (touch wood) sleeps well and only gets upset when he is overtired or hungry. He is fairly smiley and chatty now too. Maybe if he was less settled it would be a different story?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 13/12/2009 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo · 13/12/2009 15:30

No, you are not strange at all. whne I had my firsat my sil went on and on and on about babysitting as she assumed I needed to go out. I didn't.
Just smile politely and keep refusing the offer, they will soon get the message

GhoulsAreLoud · 13/12/2009 15:33

No, not strange in my book. I didn't go out without DD til she was about 3 months old and that was in the evening about 5 mins from home while she was asleep.

I left her once in the day when she was about 7 months (with my Mum, for about 2 hours and again I was about 5 mins away).

Then didn't leave her alone in the day til she was a year.

I went back to work 3 days a week when she was 13mo and it's been absolutely fine, no problems adjusting for either of us.

Enjoy your time together, it goes so quickly.

RainRainGoAway · 13/12/2009 15:33

They mean well and for someone like me they would be the perfect ILs!
I couldn't wait to have the odd hour to myself by the time DD was 3 months. You are so lucky to have them, but just keep declining if that is what is good for you and DS.

CoffeeMum · 13/12/2009 15:37

In my experience, there was a world of difference between how I felt when DS was a month old, and how I feel now. I couldn't have comprehended being without him until he was at least three months, and felt very weird even leaving him for a few hours up to six months - probably longer, in fact. He was like part of my body, and I wasn't bf-ing. However, after a year, when i went back to work, i was bloody glad of the break from being a mum, and now that he's nearly two, i dream of having helpful inlaws on hand to take him away for days at a time so we can have a rest! [no such luck though ] It's completely natural that you feel like this now, but the desire to be in that 'bubble' will fade [though obviously you will still love being with your baby for the vast majority of the time].

fairylightsgliMMErontheLINDTen · 13/12/2009 15:38

YANBU

I think that DD was about 8mths old before we left her with SIL to go to the cinema. I spent the whole film (it was shite) thinking that I would rather be at home with DD.

There will come a time though, that you will be glad to get out without your DS, when he is more mobile and you will be glad to have the offer of a babysitter.

Ignore them but don't fall out with them over it.

Original poster
jaggythistle · 13/12/2009 16:22

I should have added thatI know I will want a break sometime, but I'm not in as much rush as they'd like expect!

I have seen her sitting talking to the baby saying "...and you'll come and stay with gran and grandad and mum and daad will go out for the evening..."

meh

OP posts:
lolapoppins · 13/12/2009 16:23

YANBU

We have never actaully left ds, who is now 7. (Of course have been out in all that time, but he is with dh, as opposed to a babysitter!)

The thing is, if we are going 'out' out for drinks, dh and I like to go out with freinds separatly, so ds is always with the other one. Always have done, even before ds came along, but even after explaing that to people they are still obsessed with the idea that dh and I need to go out in the evening alone.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 13/12/2009 16:25

ahhh now come on Riven - you LOVED going out child free for lunch with me in the summer

digitalgirl · 13/12/2009 16:37

Yanbu but perhaps they're hoping for another grandchild soon!

I couldn't bear to be parted from DS in the early months either. Although managed to go back to work part-time when he was 8 months. He too was breastfed so could never have felt that I could leave him overnight. Still haven't left him overnight and he's 15mo. My mum is the only one I would trust to have him overnight and she's about to move in with us so I can't see him staying anywhere without me till he's ready for his first friend's sleepover.

EdgarAleNPie · 13/12/2009 16:40

i lik echild free time, though i definitely appreciate it more now than when i was a newbie mum.

in those first few months, i didn't want time away...didn't want a break. it was annoying that certain peopl ekept on offering time away.

now i;ve been at it a while...yes i grab every moment i can!

ThumbleBells · 13/12/2009 16:45

YANBU - I wasn't at all interested about going out without DS, still am not now. However, I do prefer to go to appts without him (hospital, dentist, docs, that kind of thing) as it's no fun for either of us. I had to leave DS at home after the first week because I had an appt to see the haematology clinic and I didn't really want to take him with me; plus MIL was staying with us so I could trust that DS would be ok for an hour or so. Had NO interest in going out for "pleasure" without him (and tbh, still not that keen, and he's 2 now!)

angel1976 · 13/12/2009 17:00

jaggythistle - My ILs were exactly like yours when DS1 was born. I was alarmed at the talk of how DS1 was going to spend weekends with grandma and grandad literally since the day he was born... And I swore that I would never leave DS1 with them till he was old enough to understand that staying with them is a treat etc. So despite repeated pressure from ILs, we never succumbed. DS1 finally went to stay with my ILs recently (21 months old), it was a combination of factors - he clearly adores his grandparents, we were expecting DS2 anyway and he felt 'old' enough. Anyway, the first weekend he went was a hit, he just loved it.

He's away now for the second weekend (we have DS2 now, five weeks old) and DH and I love the time we have alone with DS2 as he always feels like he's a little 'shortchanged' on the attention. DS1 also has a brilliant time at my ILs. With hindsight, we probably could have left him a bit earlier but I am glad we waited till we felt we were all ready!

However, DS2 is a different baby from DS1. He's very chilled out and 'easy' while DS1 was a nightmare baby. I can already see myself leaving DS2 a lot earlier with my ILs. Not to mention he will also have his older brother for company. So...

YANBU but be polite to your ILs as one day, not only you (but your DS) will love the 'break'. DS1's face lights up when he sees his grandparents and he goes with them in the car without a backward glance and I love the idea that they have such a special relationship. If you told me 6 months after DS1's birth I would feel like this, I wouldn't have believe you!

Chica31 · 13/12/2009 17:11

YA N BU My Mum was the same, she just so desperately wants to spend time with DD. When she was 5 weeks old, I was stuck at a government building with paper work stuff. Mum kept on and on, I'll just take her to the cafe next door while you sort this out. I just couldn't even cope with that idea. Luckily Dad understood and tactfully sorted it all out. Now she is 6.5 months I still have only been apart from her a couple of times and I am back to work full time in January.

scottishmummy · 13/12/2009 17:12

if it doesn't feel right to be apart yet,don't.but don't dismiss offers out of hand as the day will come (sooner than you think) when you will bite pil hand off for some couple time

diddl · 13/12/2009 17:12

No we never bought into the "needing time as a couple" either.

We did that before we had children!

JemL · 13/12/2009 17:13

YANBU. I felt the same way, luckily my mum is still as keen now that DS1 is 3.5 years, as she was when he was a baby - it isn't always the case! Cuddly little babies are more appealing to babysit as far as some people are concerned than lively toddlers - THAT'S when you need a break

scottishmummy · 13/12/2009 17:16

need couple time to talk,eat,give each other attention without distractions.a baby is an all consuming wonderful event but it is important to cut self some time too

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 13/12/2009 17:16

YANBU - I didn't leave DS until he was 7mo, and that was only a couple of hours out for a Birthday meal! Didn't leave him overnight until he was well over a year old.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 13/12/2009 17:17

well I buy the "needing time as a couple" - 18yrs is a long time not to spend any time with your OH......they can change a lot and you could quite well end up with children having flown the nest living with a man that's a virtual stranger.

Morloth · 13/12/2009 17:17

They sound like great ILs. I used to have to decline my MIL's invites to DS sometimes because I wanted him for a bit. But she just loves him so very much that I can't feel cross with her about it.

If you don't want to be without him, then don't be. They really are still part of your body in those first few months I found.

jellybeans · 13/12/2009 17:20

YANBU I am the same. I think your ILs are prob dying to have time (alone) with their GC. Mine talked about taking DD abroad without us!! Yeah right! It put me off that they were so needy. I didn't see why they needed DD alone at that age.

lolapoppins · 13/12/2009 17:31

I think it all depends on what kind of a couple you are. DH and I like to go out with our own freinds separatly, but also we love spending time going out and having fun as a family with ds.

If we didn't have a child (or when ds grows up and leaves home) we would still do things separatly, that's just the sort of people we are. I understand we are not the norm though, no one we know seems to understand how we are, but luckily, we only have to make ourselves happy!

scottishmummy · 13/12/2009 17:33

we regularly book afternoon meal,dc in nursery and go out

evening have friend who babysits and we go out.imo it is important to recognise individuality too and not slip unwittingly into only interacting as mummy/daddy

i have enduring interests/hobbies from before being a mum,that cannot be undertaken with children present.i try to maintain these interests too

WoTmania · 13/12/2009 17:42

YANBU

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