Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family politics (well it is that time of year) involving 'grandmother' (and I use the term loosely)

36 replies

confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 20:57

Will try keep this brief... I met my paternal grandmother when I was 15 and didn't see her regularly till I was in my 20's so have never had a strong relationship with her like you would do with someone you grew up with. I got on very well with my paternal grandfather but always found her quite hard work (paternal grandfather died in 2001) as well as being a control freak. Due to various issues which are too long and tedious to go into, she can only show her affection or love through handing out cash, which she'll then show off about or remind you of forever.

Last Christmas me and DH drove for two hours to see her, only to be insulted for an hour before driving back. During the visit she immediately handed back our present ('I have enough junk'), questionned DH's son's parentage ('he really doesn't look like you, he really doesn't') and various other gems and when we got into the car at the end we were both shaking - me and DH that is.

I haven't seen her for a year (since that visit) but she has occassionally put cash in my account and I have made the duty phone calls etc etc, but we really don't want to go visit, especially when in a tight schedule.

On one hand I think this lady is 82, in poor health (although, hard as it may sound, a lot of it sounds fictitious) and has no friends etc and not much going on. She has also, apropros of nothing, but cash in my account - £500 this year. I am very grateful for this... but! She is rude, VERY rude and thinks, due to giving me money, she can dictate what we do with either the money or, more generally, our lives. She is dismissive of me, my career and my family (although likes to show off what she has 'paid for') and talking to her is like pulling teeth.

So, AIBU to NOT tell her we are in her area this Christmas or not?

I am genuinely in two minds - I can't say I'll want to see her but the guilt of it might make me go, but as she was so bloody awful (this is not a new thing, she has always been this rude) is it really worth the bother / effort...?

OP posts:
ArizonaBarker · 12/12/2009 21:01

Why are you accepting the money from her?

Give it back, say thank you but no.

That will take away any obligation you feel that you must see her.

Rainbowinthesky · 12/12/2009 21:03

Not sure either why you are taking the money.

TinyPawz · 12/12/2009 21:04

oh this is a tough one.

I would be inclined not to visit but possibly just phone her on Xmas.

Will she have any other visitors? If not, then I would probably go.

Sorry that is not much help at all

diddl · 12/12/2009 21:05

If you´re taking her money,I think the least you can do is see her!

Ivykaty44 · 12/12/2009 21:06

If you dont want to feel guilty - explain that you would like her to stop putting money in your account

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:11

Hmm, that's a very good point re why are we accepting the money in the first place. (and realise it sounds bad if you know none of us!)

Firstly, she puts it in the account and then tells me, but also, and possibly more importantly, we are massively in debt (40k ish) due to both her and my dad (no longer in contact with my dad - that's too long a story but can try and write a very abridged version if needs be). In short, they both made elaborate promisies that we ended buying a house on the basis of (sounds madness in hindsight) and ended up in the shit. We are now selling said house and buying a considerably smaller one up north where it is cheaper, and also settling debts.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:13

ps she keeps saying she wants to give us cash towards doing up our house to sell it but I have said we're fine, and can do it on our own. I think, as I am trying rather badly to say, the money makes me feel guilty and, with forewarning, I say no but when she mentions it first

Christ, hope this is not getting too confusing!

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:15

Bit pissed - I mean ' when she says she has put cash in after she has put it in, I don't say we don't want it. Hope I now make sense!

OP posts:
Butterfly99 · 12/12/2009 21:16

So she is elderly, has no friends (therefore lonely?) and in poor health and has given you five hundred pounds this year. I think this is really sad that you only spent one hour with her. If you are in the area, then I think you should go and see her, and if you can't be bothered to do that, then stop accepting her money.

oldraver · 12/12/2009 21:17

Tell her you dont think she could be your grandmother as you dont look like her so not sure if you should visit..... and hand back the money, tell her you will only visit her if she can find some manners

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:25

Fuckinell! Both Butterfly and Oldraver have valid points - and this is my dilemma!

Okay, in brief - I don't want to spend time with someone who is rude and offensive to me just because she is old and lonely. However, a valid point has been made in asking why I am accepting the cash in the first place. I guess, it makes it harder to give it back once it is there (when I may have warning, like this Christmas I have said 'thanks but no thanks'). It makes it more of an issue to give it back when it's there, I suppose.

We have previously invited her to things, family do's etc, but she sits there and is rude and / or show's off and can't socialise. The reason we have invited her to things as is it's a lot easier to see her diluted but instead this doesn't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:26

Ps not in the area she lives - she is in Bradford and we are in Bristol

OP posts:
DaisymooSteiner · 12/12/2009 21:47

It wouldn't be unreasonable of you at all to just not visit, particularly if you stop accepting her money. However, personally I happen to think that the right thing to do would be to grit your teeth and spend one hour out of a year with an elderly, lonely woman. I don't want to sound like a prig, but sometimes doing the right thing isn't particularly pleasant or enjoyable but makes us better people and teaches our children about thinking of others. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and put up with her rudeness (eg "I find it really hurtful that you think our present is junk, I thought you'd like it and I spent time choosing it") but I do think it sounds as though she is trying to reach out to you, however misguidedly and ineptly.

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 21:53

Thanks. I do feel bad as she is lonely etc, I do! I think perhaps it is better to say to her that I would rather she didn't say such things etc but that is easier said than done sometimes.

DH says to just tell her that we don't want to discuss it if she brings up certain subjects, but that too is easier said than done.

Half a bottle of wine down, I am now thinking 'would it be so bad'?

But ask me again when I'm sober...

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 12/12/2009 21:59

how come she can put money into your account? Whenever ive tried to put money into DPs account i have had to have his paying in book with me or they wont accept it!

DaisymooSteiner · 12/12/2009 22:00

I know, it's really difficult to say stuff like that, but the more you do it, the easier it gets (I've had to say some truly horrendously difficult things to people recently) Have you tried (attempting!) to see the funny side of what she says? It sounds like the sort of thing you'd see on a sitcom! Maybe you could do the visit as soon as you get up to Bradford so it's out of the way and then treat yourselves with a nice bottle of wine afterwards?!

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 22:03

You just need the account number and sort code - I didn't even knew people used paying in books these days!

ps I have had the same account for years and she used to put cash in for birthdays etc too

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 12/12/2009 22:17

i'd just be really uncomfortable about someone putting money into my bank account. Can you possibly request a change of account number? or would that complicate DDs etc.

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 22:19

No idea about asking for a change of account number. I didn't actually give her the details in the first place, through 'going to the bank and doing the old lady act'

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 12/12/2009 22:26

she does obviously care for you all, i think a good compromise would be that you take her out for a meal or soemthing and make an afternoon of it, rather than have to do the whole xmas thing.

ineedalifelaundry · 12/12/2009 22:28

I also think you should see your grandmother.

Because you didn't have a relationship with her as a child, you haven't built the same bond you might have had with her, which would've made it much easier for you to put up with her rudeness.

I had an extremely rude grandmother - she was a complete snob, hated the fact that I didn't go to private school, hated that I developed a twang of regional accent, hated that I married the son of a decorator, thought the town I settled down in was dirty and ugly... I used to drive for nearly 2 hours once a month to visit her in her nursing home and once, I took my sister who was visiting me and barely ever saw our grandmother. Grandma spent the whole visit adoring my sister (who was always her golden girl) and completely ignoring me ... deliberately.

But I loved her because i knew her all my life. And she needed me to make that effort to see her every month because by that time, she didn't have many people left.

Since she died I have found out stuff about my grandmother's childhood that would make you weep, and go some way towards explaining why she turned out so bitter and difficult. Maybe your grandmother has hidden issues too.

I can certainly see why you have this dilemma but I really think you should see her, because she needs you and she's an old lady who in her own way, does care about you.

Brunettelady · 12/12/2009 22:34

Sorry but I am going to disagree with nearly everyone on here. You are not close, she is very very rude to you, so I can totally see why you would not want to visit. Personally, I don't think that just because she is old and lonely means that you have to see her, when she is soooooo rude. We can't help who we are related to and I can't wait for the day when I never have to see certain family members again. The money thing is tricky but I do not feel that you have to drive for 2 hours to see someone who is going to be downright horrible to you. Why do some people think that just because someone is old and on their own, it means they can behave exactly how they like regardless of who they upset?

NightShoe · 12/12/2009 22:39

I am abit drunk, but this is my take on it. Just because someone is 82 does mean that they are a sweet little old lady. Why do people think that getting old means that you become nice when you could have been a complete manipulative bitch your whole life? Hitting 65 does not give you a personality transplant. You shouldn't have taken the money whatever the situation, it is a good lesson to only rely on yourself, but don't feel obiligated.

Original poster
confuseddoiordonti · 12/12/2009 22:46

Oh gawd!

I can see so many points but am still finding it hard to reach a conclusion.

I have written in her Christmas card (last years card she complained about as it had a 'dog on it, not my thing 'dogs') that we are not planning to be around, but if we are I'lll call her.

Maybe wait till I am sober but thank you all for your points of view (yes, really!)

OP posts:
ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 12/12/2009 22:47

And all I will say is that old age and dementia (whether diagnosed or not) brings personality changes and a lack of sensibility. What you are seeing as rudeness could just be old age. And unfortunately she really can't help it. Old age can do that. The brain changes. People lose their 'politeness' gene.