Family politics (well it is that time of year) involving 'grandmother' (and I use the term loosely)

[confuseddoiordonti]

Will try keep this brief... I met my paternal grandmother when I was 15 and didn't see her regularly till I was in my 20's so have never had a strong relationship with her like you would do with someone you grew up with. I got on very well with my paternal grandfather but always found her quite hard work (paternal grandfather died in 2001) as well as being a control freak. Due to various issues which are too long and tedious to go into, she can only show her affection or love through handing out cash, which she'll then show off about or remind you of forever.

Last Christmas me and DH drove for two hours to see her, only to be insulted for an hour before driving back. During the visit she immediately handed back our present ('I have enough junk'), questionned DH's son's parentage ('he really doesn't look like you, he really doesn't') and various other gems and when we got into the car at the end we were both shaking - me and DH that is.

I haven't seen her for a year (since that visit) but she has occassionally put cash in my account and I have made the duty phone calls etc etc, but we really don't want to go visit, especially when in a tight schedule.

On one hand I think this lady is 82, in poor health (although, hard as it may sound, a lot of it sounds fictitious) and has no friends etc and not much going on. She has also, apropros of nothing, but cash in my account - £500 this year. I am very grateful for this... but! She is rude, VERY rude and thinks, due to giving me money, she can dictate what we do with either the money or, more generally, our lives. She is dismissive of me, my career and my family (although likes to show off what she has 'paid for') and talking to her is like pulling teeth.

So, AIBU to NOT tell her we are in her area this Christmas or not?

I am genuinely in two minds - I can't say I'll want to see her but the guilt of it might make me go, but as she was so bloody awful (this is not a new thing, she has always been this rude) is it really worth the bother / effort...?

ps ineedalifelaundry - she did indeed have a shit relationship with her own mother, based on very much money but no affection. I think that this hugely influences the way she is now, and how my father is with her, but I still find it hard to sit back and accept. Maybe if we had always had a relationship, but it is certainly harder now.

and she has been screened for a regular basis re dementia (this has cropped up before) for several years in betwee her vists for recurrent cystitis

i have just had a really horrible thogh confused - well, if you are her only relatives then, be nice to the old duck - i assume she owns her own house

She has two son's who she see's but, surprise surprise, doesn't get on with very well. In fact, each one thinks she can't bear them but thinks the other is the bee's knee's.

All very dysfunctional...

all very sad I would hate to end up a lonely old lady like that!! But, she is not your responsibility - dont feel guilty if you dont want to have much more to do with her, but you DO have to stop taking her money - you can't have it all ways!

If you take her money (for whatever reason) then you need to smile and make nice when required.

Make a decision, either stop accepting the cash or suck it up.

confused, interesting that she has recurrent bouts of cystitis - UTIs in the elderly are one of the chief causes of confusion which can mimic dementia.

Of course, if she's always been a nasty piece of work, that's no excuse.

Very easy solution. Send back the money and have no contact. You are in debt because you bought a house that you couldn't afford and you are blaming an elderly person for not doing something that they said they would. The error lies with you in not getting the financial contribution before you committed to buying the house.

I had a cantankerous gm who was hell on earth for most of her life and treated my mother (her dd) absymally. It never stopped my mother visiting her or me and we had no financial incentive.

One hour once a year is hardly a huge commitment but if it is really too much then you need to tell her and give back the money she has given you.

If it will ease your guilt then go and see her, but go alone and expect to be insulted. Don't rise to the insults, ignore any questions you don't want to answer and don't feel that you need to explain anything about your life.

Perhaps you could drive there with your DH and drop him off at a cafe/pub. Then you can meet him afterwards and he can talk you back to normality before the drive home.

My paternal grandmother was very toxic and we as children hated visiting, we were on pins the whole time and she would make nasty comments to both my parents and us as children.

At one stage my Dad refused to visit her and my Mum carried on taking us every other Sunday. We had to listen to her berate my Father whilst talking about how much she loved and cherished her daughter, this would be the daughter that hated her and she felt the same, and she moved to Australia to get away from her

She chooses to give you money, I think that if you returned it she would be even more vile. If the visit will ruin your Christmas and fills you with dread then don't do it. Having grown up with this till my Grandma died when I was 18 I wouldn't subject myself to it voluntarily. And yes she flashed her cash too.

So in a nutshell, either visit at another time of year, or quit visiting altogether.

Argh!

Not sure if this has made things clearer or not!

MollieO I think you are being overly harsh without really knowing all the facts (which are too bitty and numerous to post). It also, by some poster's tones, sounds as if I am accepting £1000's of handouts on a regular basis, please keep things in perspective.

In short, I agree with points about the money, ie don't accept it if you don't like her / don't want to see her. I would also like to point out that she keeps trying to offer to pay for new carpet etc and I have said no - numerous times. While this may be building the impression she is actually very sweet etc, the reason we are politely declining is because we will be forever reminded. (An example of her mindset is when she paid the deposit on our wedding cake - she then spent most of the wedding telling everyone she 'bought the cake' and, after, threw all the wedding pics we gave her to one side - they were unprofessional apparently - and only wanted pics of, you guessed it, the cake.)

I think that being elderly etc isn't really an excuse to be rude / interferring and negative. If this was a recent development I would have more tolerence but she has always been like this. Sadly, from what I can make out, she had an awful relationship with her mother who was also someone who could only show what she thought be getting out her chequebook and this is also the same arrangement she has now with her son's. This makes me feel bad, but, even telling myself this repeatedly while I am being told I am too fat / wearing ugly clothes and so on only goes so far.

She does have other relatives but doesn't want to see them - not sure of why, I have asked and she didn't want to answer. Make of that what you will...