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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel harrumphed that ds was not invited to this boy's poxy party

46 replies

nigelslaterfan · 12/12/2009 19:15

This boy is like the Messiah in ds's class, he is, inexplicably imo, worshipped and is the alpha male all round dominator. So being invited to his party matters in their little group of primates.

He's been invited to every party ds has ever had, has only missed one out of 5, and not long ago said to my ds "If I ever had a party I'd definitely invite you?" etc as the mother said to me (unasked BTW)

So today I hear ds has not been invited to this child's first ever party and feel irrationally disrespected. Children who he has never been to the party of have been invited.

I know a party invite is never a simple quid pro quo. But I always do the etiquette of at least asking a child once if ds has been to their party.

Actually IABU, so all I want is sympathy for my total possession by irrational upset about this, I feel like she's spat in my face! How ridiculous is that!! ARGH!!!!! I know I'm being unreasonable but it still irks.......

OP posts:
Hassled · 12/12/2009 19:18

YABU, but quite understandably unreasonable . It can feel like a kick in the teeth sometimes. Tell your DS he can do much much better and make sure he has a fun time doing something the day of the actual party.

And comfort yourself with the thought that the Alpha Male will end up friendless in a shite job one day.

sockonmyhead · 12/12/2009 19:18

As you say, you know YABU, but totally get where you are coming from, I also get irrationally upset when DS isn't invited to parties.

Rainbowinthesky · 12/12/2009 19:19

Dont take it personally. Ds and dd have both been to parties where we've never reciprocated when they've had parties. We invite according to how many children we can accomodate and afford.

snigger · 12/12/2009 19:25

Loving harrumphed.

On that basis alone, shave her kid. V,V, unfair.

DecorHate · 12/12/2009 19:26

Would it have been better if the mother had invited your ds even if her son didn't want to and then her son might possibly have been unkind to your ds? You can't make children like each other and maybe this boy had decided he didn't want you ds there for some reason.

I do actually feel bad that we haven't had a child to tea yet who invited my ds2 around months ago. But ds doesn't want to invite him...

Unless everyone else in the class or all the other boys had been invited it is unreasonable to be upset - but understandable!

AmericanHag · 12/12/2009 20:09

YANBU to be peeved at this. Just don't let on to your DS how upset you are. He won't let it roll off his back if he sees you didn't let it roll off yours.

I agree w/Rainbow that it may not be a personal slam against your son at all. Not enough info, yet.

How did you find out that your DS wasn't invited?

MollieO · 12/12/2009 20:12

How many are going to the party and how many are not? If your ds was the only one not invited I would be quite peeved and a bit concerned. If he is one of several then, imo, it doesn't matter.

Ponders · 12/12/2009 20:13

I agree, your own harrumphedness is entirely reasonable, but try to keep it from DS (& he will come up against plenty of alpha males as he gets older so he might as well learn now how to co-exist peacefully )

Original poster
nigelslaterfan · 13/12/2009 00:15

Thanks v much all of you, I knew it would be good to come here and throw myself in sorrow at the feet of this place.

DS has no idea about it at all, another boy's mother mentioned it this a.m. assuming my ds was invited too. I am going to give absolutely no indication of my rage/anguish! Have only whispered it dementely do dh all day and my sister on the phone who was trying to talk me off the roof you know how it is.

I'm not going to mention it to him at all but he will probably find out on Monday I guess, but sometimes they don't even mention a party the following week do they? I suspect though that now His Lord High Glorious Deity has had a party they'll probably all leap about beating their chests and bragging about being included. Maybe they will have a sort of pageant to reenact parts of it and maybe give him more presents in tribute to his party giving splendour! I'm so not bitter and mental (what my dh called me on the subject). He says the boy in question is a little "s*" and the parents are ignorant no-marks.

I think I'm also extra peeved because at ds's last birthday we had to pay per child for an activity thing and she phoned me half an hour into the party with a kind of "he doesn't really feel like coming this morning". So there were quite a few kids we might have given that place to if she'd been bothered to call the day before. I so hate her and would kill her with a sword if she were in front of me and I was holding a sword. I would like to run her through with it a la Kill Bill stylee.

DecorHate good points, re

  1. no, that would not be ideal, I agree
  2. tea once is not four parties and a playdate here 4 parties, mind. Our parties are good enough for the Messiah to come! Imo You it's gracious and courteous to be a little reciprocal in terms of hospitality.
  3. don't know the class percentage present yet. will have to find out tomorrow.
OP posts:
cornishgal · 13/12/2009 06:50

Aaah- I know just how you feel, here, have a big hug, horrible isn't it? The same thing happened to me just recently - This kid has been to our house several times for tea, for days out in holidays etc and every b-day party since ds was 2 (they're 9 now). Most recently I looked after him for her all day one weekend when she was off on a trip - lunch, pricey day out, dropped him home, the works.
Then he has a party for 10 kids and ds ain't on the list. Unbelieveable. Unless ds had DONE SOMETHING awful to him that I don't know about (possible....) But he and I are completely in the dark about it, if so.
DS was gutted at first but not nearly as much as I was. If it's any consolation he seems to have got over it really quickly. Havent' come fact to face with the mum yet - though have practised my speech to her a few times to the mirror, as you can imagine. I daresay I'll just smile weakly and let it go.

Georgimama · 13/12/2009 07:20

I was all ready to wade into this thread with my usual "it's a kid's party get over yourself and stop living through your child" type sensitive response but you have such complete self knowledge of how fundamentally unimportant this is, and you are so funny (particularly like "run her through") that I'm completely on your side. These people are rude console yourself with fact "alpha male" child will probably be universally loathed in a couple of years when they all realise what a little twerp he is.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 08:30

I totally understand and would probably feel the way you do, but YAB a bit U and you probably know it. Next time dont invite the boy again, he will not be alpha male all the time and might end up friendless. If your ds is a bit upset explain that life is unfair and things like this do happen even in the adult world where adults can be more like kids than kids are Do something nice on the day, or invite a couple of his friends round to play or do something.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 08:32

Though myself i would invite those children who have invited my dd even if its only once like somebody else said on here.

Pheebe · 13/12/2009 08:47

Why do you dislike this boy so much?

2rebecca · 13/12/2009 08:57

Some people have larger parties than others, if you invite 20 and the next party giver only invites 6 then there's less chance of being invited.
Suspect being most popular kid at primary school has little to do with anything in adult life and agree you sound as though you don't like him much.
My kids were never invited to most popular kid in classes parties usually because they're a bit geeky and not into hero worshipping.
May encourage your kid to get a bit of perspective on this boy and not fuss over him so much and find real friends.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 09:02

I personally would only invite those children my dd is friends with and nhot the whole class, i and my finances could not cope. Your ds does not know, thats good dont tell him and leave it at that, go have a stiff wisky and some mincepies to recover

Tryharder · 13/12/2009 09:03

Clicked onto this thread with the intention to say YANBU but you clearly dislike this boy and his family intensely so why would you want your son to go to his party???

And why are other posters so willing to back up your theory that this boy is an alpha male and therefore he and his family are the spawn of satan.

FGS. It's a kid's party - maybe there is a limit on the number they can invite, maybe this boy and your son are not good friends. Maybe only a few from school are going as there will be a lot of family/neighbours there. I really would not take this personally.

I can't believe you are being so nasty about this child and then berating his family for not inviting your son. TBVH, I wouldn't want anyone at my son's party who clearly disliked me and my son so much!!!

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 09:07

i think that th op is being U and she knows it but like most of us want a rant about something on here. These things happen at schools, gosh it used to be so simple 25+ years ago. I got invited to some but not all so what it never psychologically damaged me, i dont think my parents would have liked me to go to loads of parties, the cost of presents . Leave this boy alone and dont invite him again then simple!

sarah293 · 13/12/2009 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 09:25

lol Riven My dd is only 2.9 years so too young at the moment but i hope to have an openminded and calm approach to it all, i dont want it to rub off on my dd. You cant win at everything eh.

ChunkyKitKat · 13/12/2009 09:36

The same thing happened to my ds, nigel.

Another mum mentioned the party to me of the alpha type kid, and I said my ds wasn't invited, the only one out of their little group.

She then seemed to go very strange and went to the mum of the boy who's party it was and said how upset I was at my ds being excluded! (which I wasn't, maybe a little irrationally disappointed!)

That was embarrassing, and I had to tell the mum of the leader not to worry about it, not a problem, she looked so relieved and said her ds was adamant mine wasn't coming, the kids decide these things themselves.

Had a good laugh at your last post! Kids always have a leader and followers, I suppose.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/12/2009 09:37

depends if your ds is the only one not invited to the party or if half the class arent

some people invite whole class, others invite 5/6

how old is your ds? seems weird you have had 5 parties and this child been to every one bar one, yet this child has never had a birthday party?

ChunkyKitKat · 13/12/2009 09:43

I also remember my ds wasn't as upset as I'd thought he would be, he wasn't devastated.

SlartyBartFast · 13/12/2009 09:47

i will never forget once when i was with dd noticing some girls from her class trampolining, then noticing it was a party, then realising - she hadnt been invited by the alpha female in her class. my poor dd. she always invited this girl to her parties, she practically idolised her.

and i actually pointed ou the trampolining girls to her -

btw, she got over it,

piscesmoon · 13/12/2009 10:02

I think that all these party invitations get completely out of hand. Mine had small parties and invited a few DCs of their own choice-we couldn't possibly have done return invitations, if people want to have huge parties that is up to them, but there was no reason for me to do the same. I think that often the mother is more upset than the DC.