To be annoyed at my Dad calling my daughter a Junior lesbian?

[TinselHead]

My daughter is 5 years old and loves farm animals and tractors, she also prefers to play with boys. She is very happy and loving but isn't really intersested in dolls, or pink dresses etc. She likes what ever is comfortable to climb in.
I was very femenin as a little girl and loved dolls, fairys etc.
I spoke to my Dad on the phone about christmas pressies and he asked what my DD would like. I said she'd probubly like a blue toy car like mine or the Ice age DVD.
He then said he'd seen a lovely doll, I told him that she isn't really in to dolls as she's a bit of a tom boy, jokily. He then said that I should start to encourage her to like more femanin things he said because after all, a tom boy is only another term for a "junior lesbian". He said it in a very jokie way, but that's not the point. I think I replied something like "Well, I wouldn't care if she was, I love her". I couldn't think of anything better to say unfortunatly.
I do feel a bit sad that he sees her that way and thinks she needs to be changed. I think she's perfect.

I would just shrug it off and say much the same as what you did.

I think what you said was quite a good response, what did he say? My DD loves cars,tractors and trains and would far rather play bob the builder than dollies btw.

YANBU at all to be put out by this. Your dad is being a sexist old fart. TBH you may well need to be aware of this and tease your dad (eg Dad don't be such a sexist old fart) if he says anything like this in your DD's hearing. Because it's important for her to hear, repeatedly, that if people who want to make her 'feminine' then they are the ones with the problem, not her. Because people who try to make little girls - or indeed adult women - be 'feminine' are people who don't actually think women are human. This is not to say there is anything inherently wrong with a little girl playing with dolls or an adult woman wearing make-up, but when they are insisted on, then there's a problem, because people who are obsessed with making a distinction between 'male' and 'female' behaviour do this because they think that male is superior to female and it's wrong to subvert this in any way.

YANBU. I think older people have a view that girls should play with 'girly' toys and vuce versa. My nan thinks that boys should go to scouts and do 'boy' things. My DS is a very very typical boy, cars etc but he does love pushing a pram around. Doesn't bother me at all. Just ignore him and what you said back to him was a good reply.

Thanks everyone, I'm glad it was a good reply, and yes he is a sexest old fart!!
I remember him going mad when my mum took my brother to join in my ballet class when we were little. He said in a pompus voice "no son of mine is doing ballet". My brother was always a very gentle, loving little boy who liked dolls.
He is now a really lovely man, and a devoted Husband and father.
I loved your post BTW SolidGold.

Good for you. My daughter is also a tomboy and I just don't get people buying her pink fluffy things - people that know her that is! Like there are 2 boxes that you go into - pink fluffly girl or rough tough boy!

YANBU but probably your dad is just being an old fart rather than specifically homophobic. I know FIL was a bit when DS1 plays with his pushchair and doll however I did get a blue pushchair and the most un-feminine doll I could find so as not to rock the boat too much

Yes that's true there seem to be two boxes. My daughter isn't at all rough, if fact she's a bit of a wimp. She loves boys company, but not the play fighting. Her main love at the moment seems to be anything to do with farming or transport.
She once told me she wasn't too keen on dolls because they don't do anything. I said, but neither do your tractors and animals, and she said I know but I like them.

so granddad made inappropriate comment.is he a good grandad.is he loving doting,attentive?so the ole boy has definite foot-in-mouthtitis

yes he said inappropriate comment but lets not beat him to death and hold him accountable for male hegemony and oppressive socialisation of wee girls

Ha-ha, yes he is a very good Grandad. He absoluitly loves her. I think in a strange way, he's concerned for her.

so he isnt malicious.he is inappropriate and cringey

doesn't make him a bad man or a potential oppressor to wee girls and wimmin who like tractors

makes him pure brass neck material

Yep!

I was a tomboy - tree climbing, play fighting, into cars and football and I have a pink princess for a daughter . I'm a bit lost with barbies as I only really played with lego but we're battling through..

I agree with scottishmummy

I'm sure he is a lovely doting grandad. That doesn't stop him being a sexist. It just means that when he comes out with sexist nonsense you indulgently tease him (so your DD sees that it's Grandad being daft rather than there being something wrong with her) instead of walking out of the house.
If a lovely doting grandparent suggested that you shouldn't let your DC play with people whose skin is a different colour in case it made them go funny, or because We Shold All Stick To OUr Own Kind, how would you handle that?

SolidGold. Brilliant as usual!

think it is important to get a sense of perspective here and not runaway with what if's and demonise someone for an inappropriate comment.yes the comment was inappropriate but it doesn't necessarily follow he has a whole range of prejudices just awaiting to pop out at any inopportune moment

this is most likely best dealt with tactfully as you would any inappropriate comment

YANBU but I doubt he meant it in a nasty way. My daughter loves dolls etc but then again so does my son! his fav outift is the belle costume lol

Seconding (thirding? Fourthing?) SolidGold's ace post. He can think that if he wants, but the key point is that your DD doesn't start to believe it - so some good teasing should do the trick! ;)

My first dd was a girly pink princess which was a bit of a shock as I was definitely a tomboy and never played with dolls. It came as somewhat of a relief that my second dd is a tomboy. Really happy not having to dress Barbies or change doll's nappies. Find the Lego far more interesting

Silly man. He needs to understand that even if he did get her a doll, she wouldn't be very interested so it would be completely wasted. It's more important to pay attention to her and who she is than to try to influence her through gifts.

I'm a bit of your girl, she sounds fab. If I have a girl I'm a teeny bit worried about all the girlie stuff as I was/am such a tomboy myself. Of course I would encourage her in her interests whatever they are but I can't help secretly hoping they're not just barbies and fluffy plastic mules.

Yes, not that it matters anyway but I was a tomboy and am not a lesbian, but when my gay sister was little you couldn't move for pink and lilac My Little Ponies.

DD aged three was really upset when her aunt (DH's sister) told her that her adored Buzz Lightyear was a boy's toy and why did she want it. It took a whole afternoon of laughing at how silly anyone could be to think that some toys are for boys and some toys are for girls to stop her worrying that she had somehow done something wrong by liking it. I had to tell the aunt in question what I thought of her comment and my daughter appreciated it. It made her feel a lot better. Please do the same for your little girl. It's not right, fair or kind to belittle or dismiss someone's interests just because they don't fit in with what someone else thinks is appropriate.

My Dad was a bit like this. and the funny thing was at 3 and a half my son was going around with pink nail varnish on a girl's bike saying when he was grown up he would be a girl. if i called him a big boy, he'd say @no! a big GIRL"

I thought it was funny but my dad was 'worried'.

Concerned that He Might Be A Bit Like That, MaggieAnFiaRua?

Oh the older generation are funny.

Once a lovely old couple stopped me and dd in the street to say how nice it was to see a little girl dressed as a little girl (dd had skirt and tights on, shoes and a top with a flower on it). I thanked them and didn't have the heart to tell them that it was the once in a blue moon that she wasn't in jeans, trainers and a dinosaur themed t-shirt!

OP my dd is very similar to yours, she loves dinosaurs, animals, Roary the Racing Car and Bob. She seems to just go blank when confronted with pink frilly things or dolls. She is who she is, I am very proud of her.