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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sister il wants me to tell her what I've got her kids for xmas

68 replies

peonyposy · 11/12/2009 11:49

I've just had a cross phonecall from my sil who wanted to know what I'd bought her dd for Xmas!

My dds and I have already chosen a beautiful present for her but my sil thinks I'm being unreasonable that I didn't ask what she wanted first and that I didn't want to tell her what it was because I wanted it to be a surprise.

We are going to hers Xmas day shall I ring her back and say, ok, sorry, the present is x?

What if she goes oh, implying she didn't want that? I'm sure the dd will love what we got for her, so why is my sil making things awkward?

OP posts:
OtterInaSkoda · 11/12/2009 13:48

Jux that is genius!

herbietea · 11/12/2009 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CirrhosisByTheSea · 11/12/2009 14:02

She's being unbelievably rude and silly. Why can't some people get the idea that a present is a gift not something that the receiver, or their parent, has any control over?

CirrhosisByTheSea · 11/12/2009 14:04

If it is duplicated though, that's not the point - the point is, someone has thought about your child, bothered to go and get something they think the child will love for christmas. If it's duplicated then the child learns to accept graciously and actually think from outside their own needs - that this person has tried to buy them something nice.

fluffles · 11/12/2009 14:13

i think that she is being really really rude - a present (especially aunt to niece) is about you buying the girl something you think she's like, seeing a different side of her personality, encouraging a particular interest - it's about becoming a person in her own right and having relationships with adults other than her parents.

it's very healthy to have an adult in a child's life who has a different relationship with the child to that of the parents.

if you had asked about a 'list' and chosen something off that then you should say what you'd chosen to buy (to avoid duplication) but if you've taken time and effort to go off-list and buy something more personal that's your business and SIL has no right to 'vet' you present choice.

Original poster
peonyposy · 11/12/2009 14:16

She is not worried it will be duplicated as I did not ask her for any list.

She already has a hamster.

My mistake was to think our judgement would be enough (and as an arty type myself I would also love to receive such a present as the one I bought!)

I'm annoyed now as have been trying to get hold of sil and can't.

She got my dds a sports store voucher for football paraphanalia last year for xmas which must have been given earlier for something her son took back as the refund ended in 99p!

Have still not been able to use it as dds do not like football.

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 11/12/2009 14:21

Don't try and get hold of her! Let her chase you if she wants to. And don't forget that your DH is the person who should talk to her if she is getting awkward. Don't let yourself get stuck at the centre of a little drama of her creation.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 11/12/2009 14:26

It's hardly the end of the world if children get duplicte epresents. I have taught mine to say thank you and not refer to the fact they already have it.

It then (often DVD's thid happens with) goes into a present box to be used for others or gets swapped for soemthing else, and presnet giver need not know, as we still ahve a copy/one that could have been the one they gave.

Very unliley everyone will buy they same thing. But if they did it would be a christmas to remember.

Original poster
peonyposy · 11/12/2009 14:28

The trouble is we've been invited to hers for xmas for 1st time (has been to mine lots)and she's making out I'm being very unreasonable.

FFS I didn't want to fall out with her but how rude to suggest what I get for her kids when I've already old her I've got their presents.

How can I make amends?

She knows I'm trying to phone her but is not answering.

OP posts:
BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 11/12/2009 14:49

What are you intending to say?

Just lave her to stew. she'll have to deal with her own resentement.

UniS · 11/12/2009 14:54

Can't you tell her in a generic sort of way- art materials for instance. its enough info for mum to have an idea if there is going to be duplication, but not so much its no suprise?
I get a bit bored of having to try and return to shop or hide and give to another child the duplicates. We get them because both sides of the family think "boy likes X so I'll get him similar to X" . A child only needs so many bath toys or shape sorters or art sets or bits of train track.

cory · 11/12/2009 15:53

I would just tell her that it's something that won't matter if it's duplicated

which it won't- you use paints up

Astrid28 · 11/12/2009 16:03

I do understand the idea of asking if you don't want to double up and have an idea that it's a possiblity, but sometimes Parents can be SO controlling of what their children receive - that their child never gets something a little out of the ordinary.

Sometimes parents don't know everything their child wants and likes - tbh I'd rather people were more like you and put a little thought into a gift rather than asking me.

I say stick to your guns and give her the gift. I would.

2rebecca · 11/12/2009 18:49

If you've already got something then as far as I'm concerned that's the end of it. I'd just leave her for a while. If she's your husband's sister then maybe get him to have a word as it's a storm in a teacup. If your brothers wife then chat to your brother. Not sure why this stuff always gets left to the women in some families anyway. I generally chat to my brother about what his kids want and my husband chats to his sister. Less chance of huffiness there as usually a better relationship.

HappyChristmasFromKimi · 11/12/2009 18:58

I dont see its a big deal to tell her what you have brought her DD

reup · 11/12/2009 19:03

Do you mean the voucher was worth 99p? its odd she is so obsessed with what her children get but got something for years that they have no interest in

Original poster
peonyposy · 13/12/2009 01:04

Just to fill you in, averted a massive row and us being banned from hers for xmas by cowtowing to her demands.

She didn't want art supplies for her dd but money instead so have gone along with it to keep the peace and my dd is getting the present instead and she is delighted.

From now on will keep to sil's wish for lists and thankyou everyone for your points of view.

OP posts:
crazycat34 · 13/12/2009 06:17

I like to know what people are getting my children because I like to know that they are not wasting their money and are getting something suited to them.

There are certain people I would trust everytime to get the right thing, and others that I know will get something totally unsuitable.

Perhaps she just doesn't trust other people's judgement...

seeker · 13/12/2009 06:31

How old is the child involved?

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 13/12/2009 06:43

Tis a shame that her dd will miss out. Maybe your dd could taken them oer on xmas day and they could both use them?

Flightattendant · 13/12/2009 07:43

Well in that case I think you should give the sports voucher back and ask for money instead!

what a nobby present that was.

2rebecca · 13/12/2009 08:43

I think asking for money when you have already got a present is really rude and ungrateful.
Sounds like alot of kids just have too much stuff and don't need anything.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 08:47

YANBU at all, she sound really rude and ungrateful. If she is concerend about a duplicate she should ask nicely or say what she is getting her dd with the question: is it like that? or is it that? If you dont want to say just say no i would rather not tell you, but will keep the receipt if your dd gets another like it.

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 08:50

it is silly so what if its duplicate, i remember all those moons ago when i was 5 i got two boxes of the same Lego, one from my half brother who is considerably older than I, and one from my mum and dad. I loved having two boxes of lego, meant that i could be more imaginative and build more things

pigletmania · 13/12/2009 08:54

Gosh reading some of the comments here, whatever happened to the simple art of gift giving, there will not always be a perfect gift Crazycat thats the whole fun of it, not knowing what you are getting and recieving something wacky and totally different. Its your dd/ds that has to like it not you, ok if it contains sex or violence, ok but if its not the right toy or doll just recieve it with good grace, give it to your dc and be thankfull that somebody took the time to choose a present they thought was right. If yoru dc does not like it you could always give it to charity so that somebody else can enjoy it.

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