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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my parents haven't

35 replies

ceb80 · 11/12/2009 11:17

Bought DS a Christmas present?
He is 8.5 months so obviously will not a clue so am I just being silly?
They are going away for Christmas so came round for dinner the other night and she brought 2 presents from her cleaner ffs for DS and then said she hadn't bought DS anything in a kind of whoops I forgot way, no apology or what would he like or intimation that she would be getting him something.
Spoke to my SIL and she said my parents have been crap on the present front from day 1 getting their 3 year old dd some shoes that would fit an 8yr old and their 1yr old a crappy t shirt from the airport for a 4yr old!
I know it's not all about the presents but can't help feeling hurt.

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 11/12/2009 11:21

WE didn't buy anything for DS for his Christmas when he was 7.5 months old.
So YABU about the present.

Is the problem is really that you think your mum is not interested in your DS? Is she normally keen to see him/do stuff with him?

Geocentric · 11/12/2009 11:23

Maybe they're the sort of people that just don't do presents...
Are they otherwise involved, caring etc?

diddl · 11/12/2009 11:29

Maybe as said they don´t do presents.

But to me it seems odd not to buy a grandchild something.

It doesn´t have to be much does it?

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 11/12/2009 11:29

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to expect a present for someone who doesn't even know it's xmas... IYSWIM.

I'd be upset too... DS didn't get a card from a relative for his 2nd birthday, he didn't notice obviously but it bothered me.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 11/12/2009 11:31

YANBU. I'd be hurt, too.

Diselfchanted3 · 11/12/2009 11:32

I'd be very upset, I mean its not hard is it.

They don't 'do' presents? why?!

Its not hard to grab even a £3 teddy whilst buying your food in tesco is it?

A present just shows you are thinking about someone and that you ahve taken the time to pick something out you think they may like.

I can't imagine my mum not getting my kids at least a loittle something.

belgo · 11/12/2009 11:34

Are they otherwise loving, caring, attentive grandparents? If so, please forget about the lack of present, he's 8.5 months, he's far more interested in grandparents that cuddle him and give him time then presents.

secretgardin · 11/12/2009 11:35

YANBU

ChrisMissWooWoo · 11/12/2009 11:36

YANBU to be upset. It's the thought that counts and clearly there wasn't any here.

What Diself says ....

Original poster

ceb80 · 11/12/2009 11:59

My dad is not attentive, has held DS twice since birth and pinched his cheek as a sign of affection more times than I care to mention. I don't necessarily blame him for this, he was a hands off dad and has no idea how to interact with children let alone babies.
Mum is attentive in the sense that if I ask her to do something to help then she will but I often resist asking her because it is sometimes more hassle than its worth. (Nappies on backwards, formula made up wrong, sleeps at random times despite giving her written instructions!)

I don't want it to be about material things but am just a bit gobsmacked. I think if she'd said "we haven't got him anything as he won't have a clue" that would have been better than it just not crossing her mind iyswim

OP posts:

borderslass · 11/12/2009 12:05

will he have presents off any other extended family if so he'll probably not notice 3 is very young but your parents could of given you more warning and it would of allowed time for you to get something and wrap it from them, for what its worth my mil has been like this for years shes a pita.

Wonderstuff · 11/12/2009 12:12

YANBU, I'd be upset. Its the lack of thought isn't it. However since your parents have also been rubbish with you sil's dcs I would try not to take it personally, they clearly don't get why it is important.

Original poster

ceb80 · 11/12/2009 12:25

Borderslass he's 8.5 months, my niece is 3 and got shoes for an 8yr old!
He will have presents off everyone else just upset that they thought it didn't matter. Fwiw I gave them both presents from him!

OP posts:

TinselianAstra · 11/12/2009 12:28

At least they are equally crap at presents with both families.

DecorHate · 11/12/2009 12:52

YANBU - obv he is too young to notice but why not get him something new to wear, for example.

The day will come when he will notice that he gets presents from everyone else apart from his grandparents....

It is always awkward when different sides of the family have different views on gift-giving.

My family (parents and siblings) always do actual presents for Christmas, not necessarily costing much.

This year ILs are not getting mine anything. Not sure if the dcs will notice or not (we won't see ILs on the day). Not sure what to say if they do notice....

Original poster

ceb80 · 11/12/2009 13:29

Tis true equally crap is better than unequally crap
The thing is I'm not sure if its the start of a No Chrstmas presents for grandchildren policy or a just couldn't be arsed thing. Is not a can't afford it thing!

OP posts:

bloss · 11/12/2009 13:44

Message withdrawn

belgo · 11/12/2009 15:34

I wouldn't be bothered about my eight month old not having a present for Christmas, but I'd be more concerned about the three year old not getting appropriate presents - at that age, I think grandparents should make an effort and get something that the three year old would like, it doesn't have to be expensive, a colouring book for example.

jemart · 11/12/2009 15:53

Yanbu at all, this is not usual grandparent behaviour. I'd feel hurt too and possibly a bit rejected on behalf of DS.
In our family even those who can't be bothered send a small sum of money and a card.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 11/12/2009 16:13

Oh, thats really really sad - they are bloody old humbugs!!

My aunt, before she fell out with my mother, used to send vile presents that she had picked up at bootfairs and charity shops (now dont get me wrong, im all for preloved presents, i have bought DD preloved every year - its just these would be simply vile) and i rather wish she didnt bother as it would be embarrasing having to enthuse over a skanky old barbie doll with matted hair for a 6mo DD. But she meant well - she did it for everyone - she was loaded too (tight people often are!) she just had NO IDEA!! My mum took some "diamond" earrings into the jewelers to sell for gold tht her sister had bought her for a special present - they weren't even fecking gold!!! lol

I wouldnt take it personally though, as in, yeah, they are crap but its clearly just the way they are - are they attentive in other ways? If they are then i guess you just have to suck it up, but if not, tell them that you are bloody hurt - might make them think!

letsblowthistacostand · 11/12/2009 16:42

If there's one thing I've learned from my parents, it's that you can't expect anything from anybody. Take whatever affection/attention they give at face value and don't ask them for anything.

I've seen my friends parents buy them pushchairs, cots, look after the kids overnight, help out with everything and it's hard not to get jealous. DH and I long ago came to the conclusion that we have to do everything ourselves. If we want our girls to have a nice Christmas, WE have to make it nice. If we want a babysitter, we have to pay for it. If our kids need something, we have to buy it.

My parents love their grandchildren very much but they are just not the involved type. We've received what help they've given us very gratefully but we know we can't expect anything.

It kind of sucks but you just have to let it roll off and act like it's normal to your DS because it sounds like that's just the way it is.

WingedVictory · 11/12/2009 23:56

My little one got quite a few presents last Christmas, when he was about 9 months, but it didn't seem terribly meaningful to him, so I would not have minded for him if he had not had any presents.

Some friends of mine spent ages eking out their 6 month old daughter's birth presents, and are not planning to buy her anything for Christmas, knowing that the grandparents will go wild, and they will have no space if they (the parents) go wild, too!

crazycat34 · 12/12/2009 08:18

YANBU.

We didn't get our DC presents for their 1st christmases because they didn't know any better and had so much spent on them during the year when it was appropriate...

A lot of the stuff aimed at very young babies/children is ridiculous and unnecessary. So I don't think it's unreasonable of them to make this decision, I do, however, think it would be preferable if they had spoken with you about this beforehand in the name of good communication and courtesy.

piscesmoon · 12/12/2009 08:29

I would be upset at the lack of involvement and interest, but I don't think that the lack of a present is important-a baby of that age doesn't understand so it is really only for the benefit of the parent and the baby would be much happier playing with everyone's discarded wrapping paper!

girlsyearapart · 12/12/2009 08:38

yanbu even a little token present like a first xmas bib or whatever would be better than nothing.

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