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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh I'm going to end up unavoidably upsetting someone tonight, AIBU?

34 replies

MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 16:49

A small group of us are getting together tonight to organise a party for my friend's big birthday and one woman (let's call her Tina) has had an idea for some 'suprise entertainment' (not stripper but equally cringeworthy IMO) that the birthday girl would just hate, it's really not her kind of thing.

The birthday friend has had much upheaval in the last year including a bereavement and we all want to give her a nice low-key classy party that she will enjoy. Tina's idea is (to be blunt) quite tacky and not in birthday girl's style at all (and goes against the few instructions/stipulations she has given us), but she's stomping ahead trying to get the others to agree to it and arrange it.

I've know the birthday girl for over 20 years and Tina has only know her a couple of years as their DHs are friends - and I do feel that makes me a better judge of what we should do at her party. I'm planning on very gently but firmly breaking the news to Tina tonight that her idea is not really going to work but she is very sensitive and I can see her getting a bit upset and narky about it - not looking forward to that bit but AIBU to want one of my best friends to have a party she will enjoy - at the risk of upsetting our mutual friend?

I can't see a nice way of telling Tina - even the gentlest subtlest comments are bound to upset her.

OP posts:
TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 10/12/2009 16:51

Tell it to her straight. You get to pull rank here.

mistletoekisses · 10/12/2009 16:53

Does anyone else in the small group share your view? If so, can it be vetoed en masse?

She will have to back down at that point surely?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 16:53

you will have to upset her, I'm afraid

she is trying to bulldoze her own way through

who would you rather upset ? Tina or birthday girl ?

AMumInScotland · 10/12/2009 16:54

You know you have to do it - better for Tina to have to face a bit of an upset in being told her idea "isn't really the birthday girl's kind of thing", than the birthday girl having to face some cringe-making "entertainement" which will make her (and everyone else) wish they had thought better of it from the start.

ChrisMissWooWoo · 10/12/2009 16:56

don't beat around the bush. tell her straight. you know your friend and she doesn't. end of.

wukter · 10/12/2009 16:56

Tell her you were at a prty with your friend years ago, including this entertainment and your friend hated it.

Openbook · 10/12/2009 16:59

You are obviously a thoughtful person but you don't have to take on responsibility for everyone's feelings. If you really want your way about the party you are going to have to tell the newer friend that her idea is not what the birthday girl will want. Trust yourself to do it kindly but firmly. If she is upset that is not your responsibility. But hey - would it be the end of the world if you let it go ahead? We all like to be in control, with the best of intentions, but sometimes it's good just to let go.

Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:03

It's not about being in control, I just know without a doubt that the birthday girl would just cringe at this and it would spoil her night.

Tina is a very exhuberant person and I think she is planning a night that she personally would enjoy.

I just don't like upsetting people but yes I would rather risk upsetting Tina than my friend.

OP posts:
Mincepiedermama · 10/12/2009 17:09

The Tinas of this world have to learn to defer to the judgment of those who are better qualified than they are. If as you say she is very exuberant then she has probably had to be reined in many times before so may have a thicker skin for this sort of situation than you give her credit for.

As other has said, tell her straight. It's not your fault she's bulldozing ahead without proper consultation or any regard for the ideas and feelings of others.

Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:10

I'm fairly sure the others will agree with me, which might actually make it worse if she feels a bit ganged up on

OP posts:
Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:12

She is like a Ribenaberry wooooohoooooo

I am hoping we can distract her from the godawful unusual ideas and channel her energy towards what the rest of us think, with as little upset as possible

OP posts:
Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:13

perhaps we can allocate her an Important Job

OP posts:
AliGrylls · 10/12/2009 17:17

Absolutely YANBU. The problem is that the Tinas of this world will dominate unless you upset them.

Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:19

Thankyou lovely ladies, I feel a bit less of a cowbag now

OP posts:
Weegle · 10/12/2009 17:23

You owe it to your friend to organise the bday SHE would like, not what Tina would like. I had a similar experience once over hen night plans - it was massively awkward but I couldn't have let the other plan go ahead knowing my friend would have hated it. You don't have to be rude, just say it's not what X would like and as such you really can't be part of planning it. I don't really get people who plan what they would like, rather than thinking of the person whom it is for.

Flightattendant · 10/12/2009 17:29

yanbu.

i think if subtle and sensitive 'look, tina, this may not be quite....' is going to upset her, you need to take the opposite tack and be very bullish about it yourself, very cheerful, so she gets to save face.

'Oh bloody hell Tina she would hATE that kind of shite, you know [friend], she'll probably go home in tears, he's awful anyway we had him last year at work, ' etc etc

I dunno, that's a poor effort but you get the picture - say something along those lines with a jolly laugh and she'll be able to brush it off. the main thing is (apart from your friend enjoying herself) is that Tina doesn't feel like everyone is tiptoeing around her as she has got it sooo wrong. You need to be inclusive in your rubbishing of the idea imo.

Original poster
MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 17:32

hmmmmm FA that is a very good idea

OP posts:
ChloeHandbag · 10/12/2009 17:35

Agree with FA, tis a far better way of dealing with it and gives her a way of responding without losing face.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 10/12/2009 17:37

if she insists on going ahead with it then you must warn the birthday girl of the impending doom.

Flightattendant · 10/12/2009 17:38

or get one of your more gregarious noisy friends to do it - people like that often respond better to being jostled out of stuff than 'having a quiet word'. Good luck!!

Mincepiedermama · 10/12/2009 17:57

Great advice FA.

We all know a Tina don't we.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 18:10

yes, "quiet" word is probably not the best idea

do it in a jolly, incredulous way and she can laugh it off with you (rather than ending up feeling foolish)

ConnieComplaint · 10/12/2009 18:14

What is it? I can't think of anything that's a bit like a stripper, but not actually one........

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 18:21

yes, I am curious too...

is it an Ann Summers type bash ?

Mincepiedermama · 10/12/2009 21:00

Kissogram?