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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think hand-me-downs from SIL are pretty insulting?

29 replies

winnybella · 10/12/2009 14:56

She has just given us some stuff. Few old boys' clothes (we have dd) and few baby dishes.
Fine for the clothes, even though v.v. used, because I don't really like waste and they can be a back-up ones for dd.
BUT she gave us a sippy cup used, from the looks of it, by her 3 children: it's all scratched and the spout has lost its original colour from all the teeth marks. Spoon, plastic and inlaid with rubber (I guess), that is coming off as if it was playdoh, basically falling apart from old age.
Now, we never asked them for anything and we are not expecting them to buy us anything. They are v.well off, we are not, but not poor.
I DO appreciate the thought, am not wasteful etc., but am wondering what exactly was she thinking?
I don't think any charity would have accepted the stuff, it's so damaged and I wouldn't dream of giving it to anyone.
So, am I being ungrateful(am prepared that it may be the case), or is it a bit insulting?

OP posts:
colditz · 10/12/2009 14:58

You are being ungrateful. take what you can use and bin the rest.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 10/12/2009 14:58

bin anything which is well past its best.
clothes bank/charity for the rest and think no more about it.

FabIsVeryFestive · 10/12/2009 14:58

Maybe she doesn't remember what was in the bag. Give her back what you don't want and say you are returning them in case she knows anyone else who can use them as you have enough of cups, clothes, etc.

waitingforbedtime · 10/12/2009 15:00

Not insulting. She has probably put all teh stuff in a bag and forgotten what's in it. Kind of her to give anything at all.

Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 15:01

Sorry, I didn't specify: there were only a few pieces in total, so not as she just threw loads of stuff inside and said; here, pick what you think you could use.
The sippy cup was sort of the prominent gift iyswim.

OP posts:
starlight99 · 10/12/2009 15:01

I know what you mean. I was given a bag of used clothes by a friend and some of the stuff was pretty shabby. I just took out the bits I liked and gave the rest back! She was fine about it.

diddl · 10/12/2009 15:02

Oh for goodness sake!

Keep what you want, bin the rest!

Or is there some history that would put another slant on it?

Ivykaty44 · 10/12/2009 15:02

take out what you would like and pass onto a charity shop the rest.

pigletmania · 10/12/2009 15:03

YABU its very kind of her, just throw any old items in the bin

Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 15:07

I certainly don't want to obsess about it, and again, it was just a few things, so it's not like the disintegrating dishes would get lost...They were sort of half of the gift.Oh, I don't know, it's true that they are extremely 'careful' with money, so maybe that made me overreact.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 15:09

Frankly,Ivykaty, I doubt any charity would take it, we are not talking about few scratches here.

OP posts:
muddleduck · 10/12/2009 15:09

I sometimes find I don't notice how tatty some of the dcs stuff has got. I don't tend to notice things that have been around forever IYKWIM.

Kathyis12feethighandbites · 10/12/2009 15:10

why on earth would it be insulting? I really don't understand this thing you get on MN of people taking offence at everything.

Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 15:18

Oh well, IABU, then.
It's just that I wouldn't dream of giving stuff like that to anyone.
But, I guess I overreacted.
Thank you all for your responses.

OP posts:
Jujubean77 · 10/12/2009 15:31

Good Lord what is wrong with you?

neenz · 10/12/2009 15:31

Well I would have expected your SIL to say 'some of this stuff is really old but have a look and see what you can use', but perhaps she just thought you would realise that without her saying.

Is there a history here? Do you think she treats you like you don't matter to her?

I would have been more if she'd just chucked all her baby stuff away without offering it to you.

Me and my sisters and ILs hand down clothes/stuff all the time.

GrendelsMum · 10/12/2009 15:36

Well, if she's careful with money, she probably can't bear to see anything go to waste, especially if her family tends to re-use everything until it falls apart. I've often noticed that it's hard to see how old and marked your own things are, because you're so used to them.

belgo · 10/12/2009 15:39

YANBU if it's so damaged that she can't get rid of it any other way.

She's probably dumping the stuff on you so that her bin doesn't get too full up with the stuff.

Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 15:57

Glad to see that not everyone thinks I'm ungrateful.
There are some other circumstances that made me feel a bit annoyed, but I'm not going to go into them here.
I'm afraid it may be the case that belgo mentions.
Weirdly, she never gave me her dd's stuff, which is presumably newer and nicer-so I imagine she was able to sell it somewhere.
Anyway, it's not a big deal in the end.

OP posts:
belgo · 10/12/2009 16:25

Unfortunately people rarely give away things for free completely out of good will - more likely it's because they are clearing their house and dumping stuff on someone who supposedly 'needs' it is not only a cheap and convenient method of disposal (in particular in areas where rubbish collections are limited)but also leaves them with a warm feeling in their heart because they think they have done someone a favour. More often then not giving something away is a selfish act.

MadreInglese · 10/12/2009 16:33

it's not a selfish act belgo if it gets more use out of the item and saves it going in a landfill (and makes money for charity in the case of charity shop donations)

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 10/12/2009 16:38

Yes she is clearly insulting you and the subtext is 'you are worthless, and crappy scratched cups are not even beneath you, you scummy piece of crud.' -is that what you were meaning??

OR she just may have without any thought chucked a few things in a bag and thought she'd let you look over them first to see if they were any use.

Without knowing you and your SIL, or your reloatinship it's hard to be sure which is more likely.

Original poster
winnybella · 10/12/2009 16:46

You know what, I'm feeling petty now.

I am quite sure she was dumping stuff on me that she couldn't get rid of anywhere else, but I'm sure that it wasn't done with malicious intent.

I think my thread title was misleading, sorry everyone.

OP posts:
belgo · 10/12/2009 16:49

yes perhaps I was a bit strong there calling it selfish!

mrsjammi · 10/12/2009 16:49

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