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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in being annoyed with DH

48 replies

Fibilou · 10/12/2009 12:44

This is bit torturous so stick with it !

I make celebration cakes as a sideline. I have a wedding cake to deliver in Crowborough which needs to be delivered by the 18th as it is being taken to Liverpool. I was going to drop it on the 16th but now I have my booking appointment at the Birthing Unit on the 18th (I will be 35 weeks) it makes sense to drop the cake off at the same time rather than making 2 journeys.

I emailed DH to tell him that we would leave 20 minutes early for the antenatal appointment so we can do them at the same time. I can't drop the cake in after the appointment as she is leaving to go to Liverpool at 10.30am and there won't be time as the appointment is at 10am.

He has said we cannot do this as he is going to be hungover from the Christmas Party we are going to the night before as he intends getting wrecked so doesn't want to get up early - even though he will only be getting up 20 minutes earlier. I said that was fine, he can stay at home but i cannot keep rejigging my arrangements to facilitate him getting wankered. He didn't like this

We are going to three other Christmas dos this year so it's not as if he won't have the opportunity to get drunk at these - and it's not like I can get drunk is it ?

It has turned into a massive row and he has just told me to get stuffed as I suggested he really doesn't need to get pissed 4 times in a fortnight.

Surely at 8 months pregnant I am entitled to expect a bit of support not a massive barney about him getting so drunk that he cannot leave 20 minutes early for a midwife appointment to save £15 of petrol ?

OP posts:
DrZeus · 10/12/2009 12:46

He is being a prat. Tell him to grow up.

macdoodle · 10/12/2009 12:49

Hmm what happens if you go into labour early and he is so drunk he cant drive, prize arse IMO!!

CaresMildly · 10/12/2009 12:50

You don't need us to tell you that he is completely wrong and selfish. Is he like this generally or is this a one-off that could be over-looked?

Pheebe · 10/12/2009 12:50

What a twat. Say nothing else about it, assume you're going on your own and buy him a dummy for xmas!

Is this your first dc?

neenz · 10/12/2009 12:52

Tell him you will be leaving for the appt at XXam and if he wants to come with you he will have to be ready

YANBU

ReneRusso · 10/12/2009 12:55

YANBU. Is he 14?

Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 12:56

He is very stubborn, he's not usually quite such a prat but then he's never had a pregnant wife before and he doesn't seem to quite get with the programme that alterations to lifestyle have to be made.
He works a lot of hours and prioritises work over everything else - and gets annoyed when I get knocky over him being flaky about coming to scans etc "it might be too busy". I got very annoyed yesterday because he thought he might not be able to come to look round the birthing unit - because he "might" have to work late. We're only having 1 baby and it riles me that he can't commit to doing things because he thinks he might be needed at work (we're both police so I know exactly what the reality of his job is and it isn't half as much as he makes out it is).

I have been extremely relaxed with him during this pregnancy - he went to Romania for 8 days last week doing charity work and I have let him stay over at his mates' several times for parties when I didn't want to go so it's not as if I've put him on a leash. I just feel that he's taking the piss on this occassion. I don't mind him getting drunk but I don't expect it to impede on things I have to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 12:59

And my last email said
"I will be going whether you are with me or not" along with a lot of other "you need to grow up and realise that our lives are about to change"
and
"what do you expect will happen if I go into labour ? I drive myself there ?"

His "get stuffed" was met with "thanks dear, very mature".

OP posts:
famishedass · 10/12/2009 13:02

Wellllllllll

I can kind of see his point tbh. He is supporting you through your pregnancy and coming to the appointment with you but now you want him to accompany you on a work assignment too, just so that you won't have to make an additional trip.

diddl · 10/12/2009 13:03

He is going to be drunk?

Well, that doesn´t happen by itself does it?

Sounds as if he´s not interested in the appointment tbh, as 20 isn´t going to make the difference between hungover/not hungover!

He needs to prioritise!

Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 13:06

"now you want him to accompany you on a work assignment too"

Well he gets the benefit of the money so why not ? I have to constantly change my plans for his work committments so I don't see why he can't come with me to drop off a cake I'll be earning £100 for which will go into the joint account.

OP posts:
ThumbleBells · 10/12/2009 13:06

He is being a total prick. He is going to have to grow up very fast indeed or miss out on an awful lot, none of which he will ever get back again.

You are being too relaxed by the sound of things - letting him get away with too much in terms of carrying on as if nothing has changed. Do you not think it might be better to start him NOW realising that things are going to be very different in the future?

I still can't get over what an abject tosser he is being to you though - I'd be livid by now. I was incandescent when DH got wankered when I was 38wks pg - I also asked him "what if I had gone into labour?" He said "my uncle could have driven you" and I said "and no doubt stayed with me throughout the birth, hmmm?". It sorted him out, that and the Eyes of Death - he didn't get drunk again until after DS was born.

Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 13:07

That's exactly what I thought Diddl - if you're hungover 20 minutes isn't going to make any difference is it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 13:07

Sorry, famished I should have pointed out that my appointment is in Crowborough as well, which is a 45 minute drive from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 13:11

The trouble is Thumblebells, I don't really know how to start.
He is a good man, he provides a very nice standard of living for me through working incredibly hard for us but he just doesn't seem to understand that sometimes you don't want material stuff, you just want some emotional and practical support.

OP posts:
famishedass · 10/12/2009 13:12

I dunno, I guess if you do things for him all the time and change your plans to suit him then yeah, that should work both ways, it's only fair.

It's just that I'm annoyed at the posters here calling him a prick and a tosser and selfish blah de blah. He is coming to your appointment after all. Presumably he's booked leave from work to do so, how is that selfish?

ThumbleBells · 10/12/2009 13:16

"He is coming to your appointment after all. Presumably he's booked leave from work to do so, how is that selfish?"

where does it say any of that, FA? The guy presumably has either a late shift that day or is taking time off to recover from his hangover - that's what he wants to do. Not mess around with his recovery by having to get up 20mins earlier.

PrincessToadstool · 10/12/2009 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTdibbler · 10/12/2009 13:38

He's being a twonk, but it's not worth arguing about - just go without him.

Crowborough is lovely - I was booked to have DS there, but he was too early.

4littlelions · 10/12/2009 13:39

If he isn't driving in the morning, and he shouldn't be if he is having a skinfull, he is being a twit. He can sleep in the car is he is that bothered. One of the little rules I have with the other half is if he thinks he is off to football on a Saturday and not crawling in until 3AM he can get up at 7AM with the kids on the sunday and I can lie in and then go shopping.

Louby3000 · 10/12/2009 13:39

He is being a tit. He needs to get in the bloody car when you need to leave. And all the boozing should stop now. I was due late Dec and my husband stopped excessive drinking at the beg of Dec becauase you never know when the baby might decide to pop on out.
Even if he is the main breadwinner, um so what? You comtribute too I am sure. Its not all about who gets paid the most anyway.

ThumbleBells · 10/12/2009 13:49

Fibilou, sorry, I missed a bit - you could start by getting a bit more hormonal about things
You could also perhaps get out "Knocked Up" on DVD and watch that together - it had a very profound effect on DH!
DH also read this book by Stephen Giles - From Lad to Dad - tis quite a good book. You could even read it out to him.

The thing is that you have both chosen to become parents - that means he needs to start taking responsibility for what is about to happen as well as you. You are going to need a fair bit of love and care when the baby comes - is he going to go out on the lash then as well? I know it coincides with Christmas but I agree entirely that 4 lashes in 2 weeks is unnecessary.

Most of my friends' OHs also gave up drinking from about the 35/36w mark in their DW's pg, "just in case". Your man is being pretty selfish, actually.

Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 14:16

He's not at all a big partier - in fact he doesn't go out that much but always ends up getting paralytic when he does. He always ends up in one of the horrible night clubs with his work mates on Christmas dos and I just go home because (a) I hate his colleagues (b) I hate Xmas dos (c) I hate nightclubs. I let him go because I think fair enough, he enjoys it and doesn't get much opportunity so why not let him out. I usually give him a huge amount of personal freedom and maybe now because I'm getting more funny about it he's not used to me saying "I don't want you to"

However I think at 8 months pregnant I am getting increasingly annoyed at him being out without me and just think why the fuck can't he just come home with me at midnight instead of prancing about in some horrible dive just because his colleagues are going. It's not as if he's 21, he's 30 and I'm 33.

I think he still likes to think that in some ways he hasn't quite lost his youth and wants to pretend he's not a 30 year old with a Dad-mobile and a baby on the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 10/12/2009 14:22

" He is coming to your appointment after all. Presumably he's booked leave from work to do so, how is that selfish?"

I didn't make the baby on my own, Famished ! He wanted it more than I did

OP posts:
Louby3000 · 10/12/2009 14:23

Maybe he is having his last hurrah before the baby comes, sounds like you need to have a bit of a chat about both of your expectations and set some boundries. Good Luck, being a new mum is wonderful.