in being annoyed with DH

[Fibilou]

This is bit torturous so stick with it !

I make celebration cakes as a sideline. I have a wedding cake to deliver in Crowborough which needs to be delivered by the 18th as it is being taken to Liverpool. I was going to drop it on the 16th but now I have my booking appointment at the Birthing Unit on the 18th (I will be 35 weeks) it makes sense to drop the cake off at the same time rather than making 2 journeys.

I emailed DH to tell him that we would leave 20 minutes early for the antenatal appointment so we can do them at the same time. I can't drop the cake in after the appointment as she is leaving to go to Liverpool at 10.30am and there won't be time as the appointment is at 10am.

He has said we cannot do this as he is going to be hungover from the Christmas Party we are going to the night before as he intends getting wrecked so doesn't want to get up early - even though he will only be getting up 20 minutes earlier. I said that was fine, he can stay at home but i cannot keep rejigging my arrangements to facilitate him getting wankered. He didn't like this

We are going to three other Christmas dos this year so it's not as if he won't have the opportunity to get drunk at these - and it's not like I can get drunk is it ?

It has turned into a massive row and he has just told me to get stuffed as I suggested he really doesn't need to get pissed 4 times in a fortnight.

Surely at 8 months pregnant I am entitled to expect a bit of support not a massive barney about him getting so drunk that he cannot leave 20 minutes early for a midwife appointment to save £15 of petrol ?

Louby, as far as I'm concerned he had his last hurrah in Romania last week where he spent 8 days drinking and eating with a tiny bit of charity work thrown in.

I didn't get to have a last hurrah, why should he feel entitled to one ?

I think YANBU to expect him to get up a bit earlier for your convenience. I wonder why he's digging his heels in, because he must know practically that 20mins won't make much difference. Maybe it is a kind of 'last hurrah' thing. However much he wanted the baby, it's scary isn't it to realise that your life will have to change quite a lot? I remember having moments of terror when I was first on mat leave - 'OMG I have no identity without my work, I'm so bored and soon I'm going to become one of those boring people who only taks about their baby and my friends will disown me...' Maybe he partly sees this as a slippery slope towards him losing all independence.

OTOH, my DP was a bit distant about ante-natal appts etc. I was confused and a little bit hurt when he didn't want to see an extra scan I had because it was too much hassle to find a parking space at hospital and when he insisted on going into work the day after we had been up all night with me on monitoring. I think sometimes it seems a bit distant for them as it's not going on inside their bodies. It doesn't quite seem real/as important as it does for us until the baby is out.

Am not trying to excuse him, he is being a twonk, but perhaps you need to sit down and talk about how this makes you feel and set down some expectations about labour day/early days, rather than emailing about this?

Have just been discussing this issue with colleague who has seen the email correspondance and we have at least solved the root of the problem. She asked if he has a problem with being told what to do - and he has an absolutely massive problem with it. To the extent that if I tell him he needs to do something (eg you need to change the cat litter) rather than asking him he has a massive strop and stubbornly refuses to do it - because he has been told he has to.

Thenameetc, we have tried to discuss things like this before but as soon as it gets heated he refuses to talk about things. He is also very good at twisting things to make it seem as if I am the one being unreasonable rather than him, then I get too upset to talk about it and end up just giving in because I can't bear the atmosphere.

However this time he has gone too far and needs a kick up the bum. He also thinks having a baby is going to be a doddle (raofl)

Hmmmmmm. Stubborn donkey, doesn't like being told what to do, uses it as an excuse not to do anything he doesn't want to? And then he's going to refuse to discuss it because YOU'RE being unreasonable? He's got it covered from all angles, hasn't he. Definitely needs to grow up.

So any time you ask him to change the baby's nappy, he's going to refuse? When you ask him to help you with bathing because you are so tired you think you might drop the baby, he's going to refuse?

I can't think straight, it's 2am here, I'm sure I should have some pearl of wisdom on this but not just now - hope someone else comes along who can help more. You are going to have so many problems with him if this isn't sorted soon - you might actually need to go to some sort of counselling because this is a Big Thing (maybe not now, but it has the potential to become one)

Sounds like you have to make him think things are his idea.

Would be easier if it wasn't that way. But sometimes people are like that.

TB, I have thought about counselling before, when we first got married and living together was practically giving me a nervous breakdown as he just wouldn't do anything in the house I asked him to and wouldn't do anything of his own accord. The problem has kind of stagnated recently as he works much longer hours than me so I don't mind too much doing the housework. But when the baby comes things are really going to change and I just can't see him changing without a gigantic fight.
He doesn't respond to anything - the more I try and get him to do things the more he digs his heels in. If I ask him nicely he thinks it doesn't matter then it just escalates until I have to do something really ridiculously over the top to get him to do something I need him to do that he has been putting off for months, which always precipitates a humungous row.

I think it all stems from his mother - he, his father and siblings don't lift a finger around the house and she waits on them hand and foot, even though she works full time. DH seriously will expect her to get up and make him a cup of tea instead of get up himself even though she is 30 years older than him. So he went into marriage expecting to be waited on hand and foot and seemed surprised that I wasn't prepared to do it.

Eeww if he doens't like being told what to do it is going to be bloody hard sharing care of a LO with him - you'll be telling him what to do all the time.

Aargh! Bloody doormat mothers!
Well, I have a massive amount of sympathy with you because this is going to be very difficult to deal with. Either you are going to have to kowtow to his 1950s expectation of you as the Good Wife and Mother (which I don't advise!) or you are going to have to spell it out to him.

FFS - what if you have a CS? Is he going to expect you to carry on as normal? You need to talk through some "worst case scenarios" to prepare him for the fact that it is highly likely you won't be able to do everything you could before the baby came.

Have any of your friends had babies? Can he talk to the men in those partnerships? would he listen to them (or are they all just as bad?).

You don't want to have to start dealing with this after the baby has arrived - something has to be done now. The best thing would be some male friend telling him he is being a complete wanker - see if you can find an appropriate one!

I am dreading it Acanthus tbh. I am sure he will be a great Dad when it comes to the fun stuff and I actually think he won't mind looking after the baby, changing nappies etc but it's the other stuff I worry about - like keeping on top of the housework, making sure we have something to eat, changing the bed etc.
Maybe he will surprise me and really change but I just can't see it. I am a "coper" and if other people won't do things I do it myself as I don't like things not to be done/to let people down so just get on with it. So I can see I will just get more and more bogged down and resentful but just don't know how to move things forward.
I love him so much but sometimes I could gladly bury him under the patio.

Double B**cks.

Have just realised I am in work until sodding 6pm tonight and I thought I was finishing in 40 minutes

Fib - it's so much harder when you've had a baby, honest. Even as a coper, beware of over-coping, iyswim - if you wear yourself out coping, you become more susceptible to illness and even PND. God save you if you get PND - can't see your DH managing that one at all.

Sorry, I am sounding like a real gloom merchant now - but think it's important that you think about the worst case scenarios and how your DH is likely to deal with them NOW, so you can pre-empt the situation.

Perhaps you can sit down with him and ask him what he is prepared to do to help out when the baby arrives - negotiate a "contract" prior to the birth, that is subject to renegotiation in the event of unexpected circs (such as CS).

AFter all, he is your partner in parenthood, life and marriage - partners are supposed to work together.

And one of the lawyers has just rung me to ask if it's still OK for the 2 x sponge cakes she ordered for tomorrow.

Which I had also forgotten

"God save you if you get PND - can't see your DH managing that one at all"

Don't. I already brought that up as something that might happen and he said "well you won't get that will you". He thinks birth will be a doddle, breastfeeding will be a doddle and I will take to it like a duck to water.

Maybe I have shot myself in the foot by coping too well with a lot of responsibilities and making it look easy. He just thinks I will slot this in easily like I make everything appear and it doesn't cross his mind that I might not cope as well as he thinks I will.

You REAALLLLY need to talk this over with him, however hard it is.

I really want to give you a big hug now, sorry for being so negative.

You might of course cope with everything easily - but he can't play the ostrich and assume that will be the case.

The old 'it will be fine, cause you're a tough old bird' routine...

There's not much you can say because it seems like they're paying you a compliment and inside you're screaming 'I wish I was that confident...!'

I have a husband who does this bit, too. So I sympathise massively. "How hard can children be...? Loads of idiots manage it..." was his catch cry.

Refused even to even so much as read a book on childcare. We'll see...

As a thought, what about making him drive? Say you've been feeling light headed or whatever and that you don't feel safe behind the wheel. As a police officer, surely he won't risk driving if he's over the limit.

Agree that he sounds as though reality's not kicked in. He needs to be sober and sensible from now on for a good few months, and ready to help out.

I'd also play the 'hormonal' card and dissolve saying you're scared and he's just making it worse, and you're worried about what will happen if things don't go swimmingly etc etc. If he loves you (and I'm sure he does) then he'll have to respond to that.

Or, what about getting your dad to have a word. You know, a sort of man-to-man, now I'm trusting you to look after my daughter and grand-child. You've had you're time for being young and wild, time now to be a real man.' sort of a thing. Or a senior police officer you both like and your hubby respects, if you think you dad's a bit obvious.

He has just emailed me asking if I am still making sausage casserole for dinner tonight. It is his idea of trying to oil round me...

I have said that rather depends on whether he is going to apologise for being an arse.

Do they always end up in Creation or the Event on these nights out?

No, not anything so exciting as there. Just crappy clubs in Eastbourne

Oh God, not Atlantis?

No, worse. The other one, not TJs, can't remember what it's called.

King's?

Def not BU anyway.

That's it. Bloody awful place if you ask me.