to be angry at a friend for taking my daughter for santa photo?

[AlyKL]

A very good friend of mine helps me by taking my 18mth old daughter one day a week. this is such a fantastic help as i also have 12wk old twins.
Am I being unreasonable to be angry at my friend for taking my daughter for a santa photo without asking, and without her brothers. and what's more the photo was for my friends mother! Whom I have only met once!She is a great friend and very sensitive, so not sure how to approach her with this?

It sounds as though she thinks of herself as a sort of auntie figure. The photo in this context sounds harmless if a bit strange. We never had non related aunties but I had friends who did.
If you'd said you were taking the kids to santa next week then her taking your daughter first sounds a bit as though she's getting into the sort of competitive parenting that grannies can do to wind you up which would concern me.
Nice that she cares so much for your kids but I'd probably be looking at how much childminding I really needed her to do.

Congratulations on your twins. You must have you're hands full. I'm sure you're tired and emotional but
YANBU.
I would be annoyed too if someone had taken my child to see Father Christmas without checking with me first.
I don't know if it was your child's first time going to see Father Christmas, if it was then that's even worse.
You only get one lot of 1st and she should have checked that she wasn't taking that away from you.
I don't understand why someone you don't know would want a picture of your child, I wouldn't be happy with this.
I would say no and ask why her mother has and wants the pictures.

Oh god another newbie on AIBI getting all hurt and upset!!!
ITS AIBU read the print at the top!! Its the worst place on MN to post if you want kindness and constructive criticism

Have a good browse round then post in relationships or parenting if you want hand holding, def not AIBU!!! ok??

I have no comment on the OP itself however

Please don't be put off MN by the comments that you got here. Once you have been here a while you will realise what a massive mistake it was to post your very first thread on AIBU without putting all the details in.

Posters do go on the information that you put in your OP and going by that alone then it did sound as if you were being a bit precious.

With the new info, I would say that your friend was a bit unreasonable to take you DD when she knew you were going to take all three DC next week.

I do find the photo thing a bit strange, but my Aunt is a (retired) childminder and was like that with her charges. She used to buy loads of presents for Xmas.

I would get a photo calender or something, as suggested above and be thankful that she is so lovely to your DC.

Welcome to MN, btw. Do stick around.

I don't know any child at 18 months who has "got" santa - DS3 is 2 1/2 now and still doesn't really "get" Santa - 18 months - no not a chance none of them would have "got" it - and definitely not remembered it.

Welcome to MN - stick around this place is great. You will soon realise that the Am I being Unreasonable topic gets a bit hairy sometimes.

Seriously you will get a lot of support on here. Just not necessarily on AIBU!

FWIW yes it is a bit odd about the photo, but perhaps she is just like that. I am not a huge photo person, however my best friend has always taken dd to have portrait photos taken from a young age, her mum has pics of my dd through the ages. So don;t necessarily think it is sinister, your friend sounds very nice and caring.

LOL at Macdoodle's post!

With your first post and without all the additional info, you did sound very extreme. But even with the new info, I still stand on my grounds and think that you have over reacted to the situation and risk a fall out by making an issue out of it.

Also, you did say that you couldn't go to the santa photo in the end because of your partner right? So maybe she thought she was helping you by taking your DD.

Well, at least you got answers that made you realise that you have over-reacted.

So, I definitely over-reacted with the santa photo thing. I wish she would have asked first, but yes, I can still go up next week with the 3 children and get my own photo.

And still don't appreciate her giving the photo to her mother with out my permission.

But after today when she asked if she could have a photo with the children, I have become a bit wary.

I don't mind at all if she wants to take "happy snaps" at parties, when we're visting, when she's visiting etc... But the fact that she wants to have a posed, sit-down, family portrait with my children is a bit weird..... or not?

I have started realizing how often she is calling them "my little girl" and "my boys" (the twins). putting an emphasis on the "my" part.

She also visits nearly every day, calls twice a day. If I have run out to the shops and left my partner at home with the children, sometimes she is there when i get back and will tell me numerous times that she doesn't want me to think anything was going on with her and my partner. (it is extremely obvious to me that this is not true)

She will never feed my daughter the lunch I make her, buys her numerous presents although she is not a rich person at all.

And she also bought a stroller just for my daughter to use on the days she cares for her. She doesn't know anyone else with young children and I know she doesn't care for other children, so bought it just for my daughter. There is nothing wrong with the new one i just bought 2 months ago. and so easy to put into her car. but won't use it.

I know this sounds like a lot of bitching and she did this and she did that... but I am just starting to wonder if my friend likes my children a little too much?

Or am I still in my "new mother" stage and being way too over protective and cautious?

You realise that Santa will now own her soul, dontcha?

If you are uneasy then you need to go with gut instinct. That is very important.

I just hope that she is very fond of your dd and this is a thing to celebrate. But if it makes you uncomfy you need to ease ties.

You don't have to justify your quite natural defensive feelings about your Dcs - as long as it is not too PFB!!

She also wrote the children Christmas cards each (which is lovely), but wrote on my daughters "I hope this is your first christmas card for 2009".

And she is always giving my daughter things that she knows I intend to. such as, when I mentioned in conversation I was going to buy a toilet training seat; she bought one. Same as when I mentioned that my daughter needed a couple of new pairs of shorts. and shoes. and swimsuit.
I appreciate all this but it is like she is just buying it because she wants to chose what type it is and so she can give it to my daughter as a present in pretty wrapping paper.

She doesn't buy the wrong things, but never gives me the chance to chose them.

I think it's just come to a point where I need to stop over reacting and being an ungrateful bitch or talk to my friend about it and get it sorted.

As I've only been a mum for 18 months I don't know what the rules are when it comes to following your gut instinct or just over reacting as a new mum.

I know there is a line that people can cross with your children, I'm just not sure where the line is on this kind of thing.

How old is this friend? Has she DCs of her own?
I became fixated by my sisters newborn just before I became PG. It must have been a broody alert. I meant absolutely no harm in it, just adored her and loved being with her and buying her gifts. I was really upset when my sister told me to back off.

As soon as I was PG I realised I had been very broody. As it was, as soon as I had my own DD I realised I loved my niece, but nowhere near as much as my own. It was a little sad as I guess I was like a second mum worshipping at this little girl and then it pretty much decreased.

IMHO she seems rather too controlling for my liking

And seems to want to do everything 1st before you

Buying stuff, clothes and trips etc

I would try to be busy and out with all 3 children when it is her usual time for appearing and try to find some other friends with children of their own

IMHO she seems to want to treat them like her grandchildren that I presume she doesn't have yet

I don't think she is being controlling at all yes maybe a bit full on but I very much doubt she is trying to do this to be controlling.

She has grwon up children and by the sounds of it no grandchildren yet and she is looking on yours a bit in that way.
She is being a bit like an over enthusiastic mother in law.
I know it must be frustrating and maybe you should find a way to broach it with her but please try to do it carefully as if you fall out you may just realise how much she is worth her weight in gold at times and really miss her help and support.
She seems to have the best of intentions and no bad intentions at all.

I had similar problems with my ex MIL and in the end I did have some of it out with her as for me some things were non negotiable but in the end I put up and shut up a lot of the time because she was a fantastic Granny and a fantastic help tand suppot to me as ex worked away so please really do think hard about how important some of this stuff is to you over her friendship, help and support and also how much your dd enjoys being with her.

Hmm, she does sound a bit OTT.

I agree that she seems to be a wannabe Granny, but the level of contact would worry me too. It is a bit intrusive tbh.

Perhaps you could let it go until after Christmas then have a quiet word with her, along the lines of while you appreciate all she does for you and your DD you would like to have more time alone with your family. And that she should not buy things for your DD all the time.

I'd probably stop telling her what I was planning to do with the kids and what clothes they need etc as she sounnds less like your friend and more like an interfering MIL substitute. Surely if she reslly had your best interests at heart she wouldn't be doing the competitive parenting thing.
I'd either drop the odd hint that shows you think she's being a bit OTT or distance yourself a bit. It depends on how much she's a very good friend and how much she's someone who's attached herself to you and your kids really. In general I can tell my good friends when I'm not happy with something they've done. If you feel unable to chat to her about why she's being so posessive with your kids and wanting photos for her mum, to send their first xmas card, take them to santa first etc then I wonder if she is such a good friend. If she's a good freind I'd have thought you'd find a way to put in the odd comment in a joking manner that shows you think she's maybe being a bit OTT with your kids.