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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be deeply concerned over this situation

38 replies

LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 00:52

I am a reg who has name changed for this.

The situation is really worrying me to the point that I am considering contacting SS over it.

I will try and keep it factual and brief.

I know someone who has 3 children all girls ranging from 6 to 2 yrs.

dd1 is an adorable, cheeky but feisty little girl who i love to bits

dd2 is a gorgeous girl who is very quiet but says what she needs to say iyswim?

dd3 is cheeky and cute.

the situation is

dd1 as i say is feisty, and can be challenging but having spent 3 weeks staying with the family all i saw was a little girl wanting attention.

dd2 is not a brilliant talker at 3 but she says what needs to be said, she is kind of the odd one out of the family.

dd3 is mummys fav and oh so perfect.

DD1 has an adorable princess bedroom all kitted out for her.

DD2 and DD3 share a room, gated, bare bed bar a thin sheet. but no bottom sheet.

DD2 and DD3 are often left crying in the morning when mummy and daddy can't be bothered to get up/too hungover to get up.

NONE of the dds are good eaters, all are craving attention in their own way.

Anyway the thing that really concerns me is the parents are trying to find something wrong with the older 2 dd's...its almost as if they are willing there to be something wrong when in fact it is nothing that a bit of time and effort wouldn't cure.

neither want to work either....its almost as if money being gained from a child with a disabilty is what they are after.

OP posts:
OfficiallyMe · 10/12/2009 01:02
Hmm
Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:09

OM why the raised eyebrow?

I am genuinely concerned for these children

OP posts:
SolidGoldpiginablanket · 10/12/2009 01:14

Your OP is a bit confusing, is it the eldest or the youngest who you think may have some kind of SN, and which one is the indulged one?
And if the parents are 'too hungover to get up' why is it only two of the three DDs who are left crying, does the other one not cry or is she old enough to get her own breakfast?

biggob · 10/12/2009 01:16

LB which concerns you more i think you have made it very plain that your concerned for the health and well being of the children, after reading this i think id be pretty concerned to, Its obvious that there is favorites in the household and that the parents in question have more time for some rather than the others, and the others i feel for.
They are obviously crying out for attention,
maybe if as you said the parents spent more time with the kids and listenign to them then this situation would change.
AS for the parents trying to find a problem with these children , have you considered that the problem is with them, this could be an illness on there part, and in which case the children are going to continue to suffer untill this has been pointed out to them and they have gained help.
good luck in your choices on what to do about the situ.

Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:21

The eldest and middle are crying out for attention, but in different ways, its almost as if with the eldest the feel giving her all she could want materially and electronically they are being good parents. but she needs time not possessions and this is obvious to an outsider from her behaviour.

The Middle one is just so silent, but when you spend time with her she talks.

I don't think any of them have SN the parents do, its like that want them to have SN iyswim?

the 2 left crying are the younger 2, the other is 6

OP posts:
jasper · 10/12/2009 01:21

how does "the parents are trying to find something wrong with the older 2 dds" manifest itself?

Vallhala · 10/12/2009 01:26

A bare bed bar a thin sheet? You mean that two of these little children have no duvets/blankets on their beds?

If so, unless you came across the beds whilst the duvets were in the washing machine or somesuch and you could honestly have been mistaken in thinking that they sleep with nothing but a sheet on theirr beds then YES, something needs to be done imho.

Or am I over-tired and have I misunderstood, in which case I apologise of course?

Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:27

without going into it too deeply they are always saying things like

"DD1 has severe behavioural problems, (then stating a disorder/condition) do you realise we would get £X a week/month for this disability"

The last few months this has included DD2 who apparently has learning/speech/coordination delays "Which if we get a diagnosis we could get as much as £x a week"

OP posts:
Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:27

Just a top sheet because the are too restless

OP posts:
biggob · 10/12/2009 01:32

no valhalla i read it the same as you the childrens beds which concenred me unless im over tired as well ,

yes LB i think you have cause for concern, if this the way they are talking they are obviously wishing these things on these children, to gain money, which is not acceptable and in the end the children are the ones that will suffer,
you say you have stayed there for a period of time and seen these children and none of what the mother is sying is ringing true, maybe she has a illness i carnt think of the name but im sure you know what im on about.
or maybe they are just greedy.

Vallhala · 10/12/2009 01:34

Jesus Christ! Its winter FFS! I live in a new-build house with good central heating and double glazing AND I'm a pissed off sufferer of surgically-induced premature menopause which makes me experience hot flushes but even I would shiver overnight with just a sheet.

I know that other posters with experience or knowledge of SS will come down on me like a ton of bricks for saying this (and I admit to having little time for SS myself having heard so many dodgy tales) but surely they or someone - other posters will have better ideas than me I'm sure - should be informed, if only to educate the parents.

I'm not a hugely child-friendly person except my own, and I admit to saving my tears for my dog rescue work but this has shocked and hurts me.

Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:35

I have stayed, she is a relative so see a lot of her. But it was not until i stayed that I saw all of these things. See during that time I spent time with all the dc there, my own 3 as well. and TBH there were not that many differences to them.

I have wonder whether she is suffering from err whats that called Munchausin syndrome by proxy???

OP posts:
SolidGoldpiginablanket · 10/12/2009 01:37

Are the parents alcoholics/addicts? Is that what you're trying to get across? Are they trying to get any kind of diagnosis for the DDS they think have problems?
It is stressful living with a chid with SN. Are you an expert in child development? If not then TBH your opinion that there is 'nothing wrong' with these DDS is a bit irrelevant, you are not living with them full time. PLease bear in mind that if the parents are engaged in the round of testing and assessment that is necessary to get a DX of developmental problems or SN then they will be being observed by SS and the rest, so you shopping them to whatever authority you can find on what sound like fairly flimsy and unproven grounds seems to be more about you demonstrating what a great parent you are compared to them.

Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:38

Vall, That's why I came on here to ask for advice, I knew I would get help to make the right decision.....I feel so sorry for the children....all they want is some attention.

I have no idea of SS and do not want to cause her any problems...just think she needs help.

OP posts:
biggob · 10/12/2009 01:38

thats the one LB see i knew youd know, yes the thought had crossed my mind, reading what you had ritten but i do seem to sway towards the idea of greed in this case, i mite be wrong but tend to think they are just doing for the money.
i do hope you decide what to do for the best s its a hrd decision for anyone but i wouldnt wnt to see them childen suffering

Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:42

Solid, they drink heavily most nights - alcoholics who can say?

They have taken DD1 to 7 different drs to get a diagnosis, and all say there is nothing wrong with her. Then they try another.

I have lived with an autistic child and know how stressful it is I also know there is nothing wrong with these children, you can see what they want. All the things the parents say is wrong with them are not there iyswim? The children are not old enough to hide a disabilty if they had one......especially ones these parents are suggesting.

I have not put every detail down as I said I am trying to remain anonymous as she is a relative and sometimes reads on here

OP posts:
Original poster
LeggyBlonde · 10/12/2009 01:45

Solid I raised my autistic cousin for 4 years until his mum felt she could cope with him. So i really do know how stressful it can be.

OP posts:
chocolatecosmos · 10/12/2009 02:01

Sadly, this is not that uncommon. I taught special needs and worked with one extreme case where a boy had an autism diagnosis when clearly ( to himself and to everyone else in the school) he had a very mild learning disability and no signs of autism. Unfortunately s.s. do not seem to take these cases on once there has been a diagnosis. The diagnosis are relatively easy to get if the adult knows the right answers ( another story for another time).It is definitely a form of abuse and I think you are right to be worried.

It was very difficult to answer when he asked' why am I here- everyone tells me I am autistic but I don't think I am'

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 10/12/2009 17:20

LB, this is a bit drip-fed, isn't it? All that's really coming across is that you dislike and despise these parents - every time anyone queries anything you add on anotehr reason why they're so awful. DO they eat at McDonalds and keep rottweilers as well?

Jujubean77 · 10/12/2009 21:44

They sleep without any covers? That is awful

Original poster
leggyblonde · 10/12/2009 21:49

Solid, sorry not my intention. I am trying to give all the details without giving away too much iyswim?

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 10/12/2009 22:56

oh dear, i have eaten at mc donalds and had two rotweillers!! Honest!

Seriously though, these people sound like awful parents, simply horrible. I just feel, sadly, that SS wouldnt be interested, i have no experience to support this but just a feeling that its not awful enough

Have you raised your concerns with these people or other members of your family?? Might i suggest having a chat with the mum and point her in the direction of her local surestart or homestart.

Its awful that they would consider pushing for a diagnosis of SN for their children just to get money - do they themselves have learning difficulties at all?

As for the sheets, oh, i dont know - my DD sleeps most nights with nothing over her as she kicks her covers off, always done it - i think she must be frozen, and whenever i cover her up, she IS frozen but she seems happy enough, she doesn't want to be covered up - not sure its the situation here, but is providing sheets that much of an issue?

What i find confusing is you say that the DD1 has the special princess bedroom but that its DD3 that is the favourite but she is in the shitty room??

Could it be that room was bieng sorted when you visited>

applepudding · 10/12/2009 23:47

Sorry but the OP just doesn't make sense.

DD3 is mummy's fav and so perfect - but she sleeps with no cover and is left crying in the morning?

Original poster
leggyblonde · 11/12/2009 00:45

The way it comes across to me...I could be wrong, is that the "best bedroom" has been done up for dd1 because it keeps her in there more iyswim?

the other 2 dd's bedroom has nothing but a thin sheet on the bed, when I asked why I was told they were very restless and one almost strangled herself on the sheet where she twists so much....never heard of anything like it.

I have spoken to other family members and whilst there is a lot of concern there are not many who want to get too involved. I have been warned today by other family members to stay out of it, and let her get on with it BUT i can't sit back and do nothing, I am just not sure of what to do.

I took her some quilts n bits today said they were extras i no longer needed. It will be interesting to see if they are used.

OP posts:
Original poster
leggyblonde · 11/12/2009 00:47

Meant to add that they just don't hear them crying in the mornings. When I stayed, on one morning dd2 was sobbing at 3am, I was sleeping downstairs and went up, took a bottle, changed her nappy etc but she just wouldn't stop crying. It took me 35 minutes to wake them up.

OP posts: