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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish family would stop asking me what ds wants for christmas?

53 replies

iheartginashoes · 08/12/2009 08:57

Argggghhh

Why cant people just sort themselves out?

My mum started asking what she could get ds for xmas back in August... How am I supposed to know?? Eventually suggested some stuff - quite big stuff (she usually spends £100+) on him, she said that was fine, and would rather get him one or two decent things then a load of bits. Fine. Great. We then worked out what we would get him, and some ideas for other people. She then deciedes that she will get him a small item from the stuff I mentioned, and then will get some surprises from him, and also take him to Toys r Us to see what he likes. (he's 2.5) - cue a pile of not so little, little bits - board games etc. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SIL, asks what she and MIL can get him, I send her an email with links to a few different things - tell her he would like any of them, tell her that the stuff is actually half price in ELC just now, and the other stuff is in stock in her local Argos. Cool. Sorted. This was back in Novemeber. She rings last night to say she is going shopping tomorrow, what would he like for xmas - I tell her that I sent her an email a while back, "oh yes I got that".

Only thing is now, the stuff is now back to full price in the ELC, and out of stock in argos, so I spend half the night finding discount codes and sourcing the out of stock product on Amazon.

I know I'm probably getting too stressed about this than needs be, but honestly, either dont ask, just buy him something - he's 2, he'll play with anything. Or if you ask for advice, listen to it, and get your arse into gear so that I dont end up doing half your shopping too.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gracie123 · 08/12/2009 10:30

herladyship You definitely have the right idea. All of this will make very funny christmas stories for you and DCs to recount as you get older.

One of my favourites from when we were little was how the christmas pudding would never light because Grandad (alcoholic) would always drink the brandy and top it up with water. No matter where we hid it, he always found it.

My parents were probably really angry at the time, but it's a fond memory of him now.

AllarmBells · 08/12/2009 10:30

Ooh MmeLindt how can you not love Playmobil?! It's fab! DD wants the jewel thief set with police helicopters, jails, Koh-i-Noor diamond etc. but I don't think we'll get £60 worth of use out of it just yet.
Mind you perhaps your DCs are not 4?!

I used to get fed up with ILs mithering me around mid Nov before I had even thought about Christmas, we had to have a long phone call with an ELC and Argos catalog at either end. Having read all the stories on here I think we are actually pretty lucky, they do insist on getting her something she wants and they arrange it for her apart from the original idea. It means we can keep a massive list and then "allocate" things out.

We use the Amazon gift list. Very useful, not only for others but to remind yourself what you thought of earlier in the year.

OP, I wouldn't bother looking for stockists for them. Amazon can be such a pain for that, you choose 3 toys, the prices look good, then you try to check out and realise you'll have to pay £10-15 for each delivery as they are all from separate suppliers. I would just say "they want x, it's on Amazon/Argos/ELC" and leave them to it. All of those do online orders and delivery - let the family do it themselves.

jelliebelly · 08/12/2009 10:33

YABU though I admit that this used to bother me too. Now I just make sure that I am organised with a list of who can get what for ds, dd, dh (and also dh bday 22nd Dec) and me and when they ask I tell them. It at least stops people spending money on things people don't need or want or have already got.

I wouldn't expect to buy/wrap them myself though - that is just thoughtless and lazy and tbh I would probably tell them. Like a lot of these things, you do it once and then it becomes an expected annual tradition.

Original poster
iheartginashoes · 08/12/2009 10:51

Its not the asking though - its the asking and then the total disregard.

OP posts:
pooexplosions · 08/12/2009 10:55

I have to get presents for my 3 from my MIL, my DB, my estranged father, and anyone else who will ask in the next week or so! I also have to wrap them and then deliver them to MIL's house 30 miles away for her to give them.

So I get to do all the picking, shopping , wrapping and delivering, and everyone else gets to relax and get the thanks!

MmeLindt · 08/12/2009 10:58

Alarmbells
They are 5yo and 7yo but just not into Playmobile. Not that it stops SIL buying passing off their castoffs every year despite me saying each year that they don't really play with Playmobile.

I agree, it is not the asking, it is the asking then disregarding.

It is not unreasonable to presume that the person who spends most time with the DC ie the parents will have a better idea of an ideal gift than grandparents/aunts who see them twice a year. It is unreasonable to ask then get something completely different.

AllarmBells · 08/12/2009 11:39

MmeLindt
I agree, if you've told her time and again they don't play with it, it's pretty pointless for her to then give it. In fact worse than pointless, because then you are stuck with these huge boxes that you probably can't do much with as they were gifts.

As other people have said - it's the thought that counts. Providing money but then wrapping and bringing/sending, shows thought. Bunging a cheque and expecting someone else to do the hard work, or sending any old thing but feeling pleased with yourself because you asked, does not.

I did manage to deter a family member from sending a cheque, I hate cheques. I work FT and am 30 mins round trip from a bank whether at home or work, apart from all the choosing/wrapping etc. If money isn't a problem, it really isn't that hard to ask what children like and then get one fairly soon afterwards before the situation changes!

BratleyGaveInToBaubles · 08/12/2009 13:00

Surely buying gifts for people is supposed to be about thinking about people and buying something you think will suit them and make them smile?

Its made me realise how little DH's family know DS aswell, if they did know him they wouldn't need to ask what to buy for him.
My family, who make more of an effort to see us, haven't once asked what to buy him and when my mum told me what she's bought him I agreed he'll love each gift.

MIL, on the other hand, has had to be spoonfed ideas and has put no thought into any of it.
Yes DS will love his presents from her but only because I've told her what to buy as she barely knows him

You're NBU.

Spectroscopy · 08/12/2009 13:25

YANBU.

If anyone asks me for a suggestion, I say following: nothing (my preferred option); something that doesn't require batteries; doesn't make a noise; has no small parts; isn't large; isn't messy (no moon sand) and is age appropriate (my dad went through a phase of doing weird things - like giving my 2 yr old an expensive technical drawing kit for his birthday).

I never suggest anything specific just a list of negatives .

Spectroscopy · 08/12/2009 13:33

Sorry, my grumpy post didn't make it clear. I honestly don't have a problem with people asking at all, I just don't pin them down to anything at all.
My Dad (now) and Brother pretty much always give my DS money (direct into his account or cheque) as they both live 2 hrs away. This is not really to buy him a gift though, it is in recognition of the fact that he was way too much already and he can make more use of this money when he is older.
The exception being this year for some reason. My brother bought him a gift off amazon and got it shipped to him (live 2 hrs away) and he now said that I will need to come up and collect it. Yep, the day after I spent £20 in the post office posting up all my pressies up there. NO!!! Go back to the chq, please!

Sassybeast · 08/12/2009 13:35

YABU.

Mishy1234 · 08/12/2009 13:41

I understand what you mean, but it sometimes does make things easier if people ask.

We have quite a small house and DS has far too much stuff already, so we've been considering larger things which people can contribute to (e.g- Wendy house, balance bike) as well as money towards things he can enjoy during the year (swimming classes etc).

He's not really ready for a bike yet, so we're getting him some small things (books etc) and saving the money for his 2nd birthday in Feb when hopefully he will be ready.

I admit that the older children get, the more they become aware of Christmas and it won't be so easy! It IS also nice to receive something which has been thoughtfully bought with the recipient in mind.

So overall I don't think YABU.

duedec2 · 08/12/2009 13:47

WOW. what values will children grow up with if they see and hear their parents (or grandparents) getting into such a strop about PRESENTS? Surely to believe there's a right or wrong way to give/ask about giving is a symptom of gross materialism?

If someone's being irritating about it, introduce some grace into the proceedings yourself?

SE13Mummy · 08/12/2009 14:49

We use the website www.whattogive.com for storing ideas during the year. Our whole family use it for ideas and can then choose to buy something using that for inspiration or just do their own thing. I tend to include things like tights/lego/craft materials rather then specifics so relatives have an idea of what my 5-year-old is currently in to but it's not used as a shopping list.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/12/2009 14:56

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
iheartginashoes · 08/12/2009 15:06

Its funny, I cant actually remember saying that it was a worry. I remember saying that it gets on my nerves when people ask for suggestions and then completely disregard them, or dont get their act together so that stuff that I suggested 6 weeks ago is now out of stock - leaving me to source alternatives.

There was me thinking that this was AIBU, not feeling depressed/mental health.

It must be nice sitting on a pedestal all day

OP posts:
biglips · 08/12/2009 15:09

i think its funny when my mum ask me what do i want for Xmas and i just say "i dont know!!"

im terrible BUT its cos i dont go shopping anymore for Clothes etc...only just foods, i dont know whats in the shops!! !!

Saltire · 08/12/2009 15:16

The problem I often get is
a) MIL and step FIl say they will give us money to buy the DSes something. Which she does, but she then gives them a present too and refuses to tell DH or I what's in it.
B) FIl and step MIL say they will send money for us to get something for the DSes, which they do, eventually, Last 2 years the cheque arrived on Christmas Eve.

MIL also won't tell me what she's bought DH, or him what she's bought me! She must think we're kids and will tell each otehr

OrmIrian · 08/12/2009 15:18

Ha!

Bloody nightmare isn't it?

Every year MIL asks me to tell her what the DC want and then says in a pathetic voice 'Oh I'm not sure where to get that...' so I offer to get them for her. And now mum has done the same! But she is housebound atm so there is some excuse. But she also wants me to think of stuff for DH too...

Why won't they use Amazon? It's soooooo easy but mum beleives the internet eats your bank account...

Original poster
iheartginashoes · 08/12/2009 15:44

In the latest installment SIL rings from ELC, says she has found the Happyland stuff... and why doesnt she and MIL just get him 4 lots of that stuf.... BECAUSE HE DOESNT NEED 6 LOTS OF HAPPYLAND (mum bought 2 wee sets)

I must point out that I actually love SIL to bits, and that we get on more like proper sisters than my sister and I do. She's just funny thats all.

I guess its what happens when you have a ds who is only grandchild and only nephew.

OP posts:
paranoidmother · 08/12/2009 15:53

I always get asked this and always then get told what he's been bought as well.

I've got a stock reply or answers that are very generic and I normally say what they don't want. Also I do an Amazon wish list and put a selection of stuff on there of books, toys, colouring and update it middle of the year. That way family get to look and see what type of thing the kids like.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/12/2009 17:00

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more · 08/12/2009 17:49

I would have to say you are being unreasonable. I have the complete opposite problem. They love your child, and wants him to know it by giving him something that he will like. By the sounds of it he already has everything which does not help them so they are having to ask you for help in getting it right!!

selby · 08/12/2009 18:00

Well, it could be worse - the children have had duplicate gifts in the past and some really crap stuff. I just grit my teeth and say thank you (too polite to ask for the receipt/get them to exchange it). It's a total waste of money but life is too short to get too wound up over this sort of thing - the charity shops get our rejects in Jan!

LillianGish · 08/12/2009 18:06

If granparents want to spend loads of money on ds why don't you open an account for him and get them to pay into that? My parents do that for all their grandchildren and then just buy small gifts (well not that small sometimes - but not spending hundreds of pounds). Personally I'd rather someone asked what my dcs want if they are going to be lavishing loads of money on them. They already have far too much stuff (much more than we had when we were kids - cue old person type sentiment) and I think a little fund that they can access when they are 18 and off to college or whatever is a much better use of the money.
I think you are being unreasonable in complaining that people want advice on how best to lavish their money on ds. I think they are being unreasonable in thinking ds should have everything money can buy.