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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself, or is this normal?

44 replies

againandagain · 07/12/2009 22:27

Okay, im going to change a few details here so not to offend.

A not super close relative of mine gave birth to her DD a very less than a week before I had mine. We havnt seen loads of each other but obviously as the girls are so close in age we arranged to meet and go for lunch. Now, I am aware that her baby has been slightly "high maintenance" and not especially easy. During lunch the baby was a little grumberly and had to be jigged about. Fair enough, not a problem, however my relative refused to sit down and eat but walked about with the baby in one arm and half her sandwich in the over which made it quite hard to enjoy the lunch. Anyway I suggested that the next week we go to quite a nice shopping centre just over an hour away, she agreed, and as she dosent have a car at the moment I said id pick her up and drive there. We got there, had a quick coffee (where both babies were perfectly happy) but I was aware she didnt want to sit still for too long so we got a move on. We wnt to a couple of shops and decided to go the feeding areas to give the babies a feed. Basically her baby beganto cry and wouldnt settle to feed. She then decided that she did not want to carry on shopping and asked me to drive the over an hours car ride home after being there for 40 mins as her DD was getting upset. The min we got in the car her baby fell asleep, which, I have no doubt she would of done if we had started pushing the prams again. These are the only 2 times she has really been out of the house, other than a couple of walks, since the birth. Her baby is 4 months old. Since then the visits have consisted of me going to hers and sitting in the living room with the babys for most of the day. Please dont get me wrong, she is doing a great job as a mother, her baby looks beautifull, she is breastfeeding which I know she struggled with to begin with and is surviving on very little sleep. I really enjoy her company, and like the babies spending time together, but I hate the weekly visits of sitting in the house all day and not getting some fresh air and a change of senerey. I have gently suggested going out again but she really doesnt want to. Shall I encourage her more, leave her to it, or just put up with losing a day a week?? Pls help!

OP posts:
Alambil · 07/12/2009 22:40

I'd try to talk to her about how she's feeling - not wanting to go out sounds slightly PNDish to me (but it might not be, of course - could just be she doesn't like being out with a young baby)

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 07/12/2009 22:40

YABU sorry.

I think she sounds quite anxious actually, could be PND, or she could just be a frettful mum. Not everyone can be relaxed and easygoing. You wouldnt have even got me to the shopping centre with my baby, i wouldn't have let you drive her in the car (no offence). I also hate shopping lol, so walking around a crowded shopping centre with my baby would be my idea of hell - what about a nice walk in the park?? surely thats much more baby friendly.

Does she have a set of friends? Could it be that she doesn't enjoy your visits either?

Having suffered from anxiety and PND, i would have found those situations difficult, and believe me, i was a "perfect" mother, i breastfed despite actually being seriously ill, my daughter was always spotless, etc i parented out of a textbook - because i was too scared not to!

I have a friend, who like you, is a very relaxed and happy mum - im quite envious of her, thing is, she hardly ever goes out, she is perfectly happy at home with her baby - i had to get out every single day. Differing folks is all.

If you dont enjoy her company don't go - if you care for her, go and insist that you go for a walk - but dont put her under pressure to do stuff she doesn't want to, coffee shops and shopping centres with small babies are ok for some, for others, not worth the hassle

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 07/12/2009 22:41

oh my god - I remember 4 months!
I had 2 women that I went for walks with, and their babies would sleep in the pram (mine wouldn't) would sleep when we were at who evers house (mine wouldn't) - and they stopped inviting me .

I bet she was nervous as anything at the shopping mall - I would've been!!!

Why does it have to be one day a week you see her? And why does it have to be for all day?

My lowest point ever was when mine was 4 months - constantly breastfeeding, and NO SLEEP!!!

You sound like a confident mum - can't see why you would have to distance yourself.

corriefan · 07/12/2009 22:41

She's obviously stressed and self-conscious about her baby crying which is why she prefers being at home. She has tried to do what you've suggested but clearly isn't comfortable. IME lunch and shopping centres are not the best places to go for trips if you're anxious about baby crying/ feeding times/ changing/ being sick/ people looking. Are there any playgroups/toddler groups/playcentres you could suggest another time which are full of crying babies? If not just keep going to hers until she's ready. She'll relax in time.

thesecondcoming · 07/12/2009 22:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovepiccolina · 07/12/2009 22:44

Would echo that it doesn't have to be for all day. A couple of hours would be enough for me. Invent a nap that you have to have, and leave!

Uriel · 07/12/2009 22:46

I'd do two things - make it once a fortnight visit and cut down the time you're there.
Go, say, for a longish lunch. You'll have more to talk about and you won't feel you've wasted a day indoors.

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 22:48

Ijustwanttoask, I do like her company I said that. I understand that some people dont like shopping, but she seemed really excited to go.... Also it was really quiet and empty. I have offered to go for walks round parks but she wont go as she doesnt have a raincover for her pram, which I may think is a bit of an excuse. Also im not saying she being a bad parent, I just dont know whether to leave her be about it, or maybe if she goes out a bit more it may get easier.

So do you guys really think it could be PND? If so how should I approach the subject??

OP posts:
StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 07/12/2009 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 22:54

I dont really know how it ended up being every week!! I do think she is a little bit lonely as she always asks whether im coming round. I will look into finding some baby groups. I think we are just so opposite, for me getting out and about makes me feel better. I do want to help her though.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 07/12/2009 22:55

I was a bit like this in the early weeks without having PND.
Just feeling like a milk machine and wanting to keep things easy, short and local.
By 4 months I was much happier and more settled into it all. But it must be different for everyone, and perhaps it's taking your friend longer.
I found a local baby group and making friends with the mums there helped me.
But it does take time.

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 22:56

Snowman- the baby is doing great on breastmilk, she may be a bit heavy for a sling!!

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 07/12/2009 22:58

? You can use slings up to toddlers. Some sorts anyway.

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 07/12/2009 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 07/12/2009 22:59

No, you didnt say she was a bad parent - i was actually homing in on something you said about her being a good parent. Thing is, lots of people associate PND with not bonding with the baby etc, but in my experience and the experience of lots of other mums ive spoken to with PND, you can be quite the opposite - overprotective etc. Thats how i was.

Sorry for being harsh, i just got the impression, probably wrongly from your post that you was frustrated by your friend. Which is why i said, if you dont enjoy her company don't go there- meaning, its not your duty to keep her company if she isnt a close friend.

As to how to approach PND, the short answer is don't. Its a recipe for disaster - if someone had suggested i had pnd, i might have punched them so was a trying to be perfect. What you can do is just be there for your friend, i agree with those that visiting for the day is far too long - i would hate that - i would knock the regular visits on the head, pop in for an hour or so.

A good idea suggested is to go to local mums and baby groups, it will be great for you to go with her as this will help her confidence and she wont feel under pressure- i leant on my homestart group, it was great - there were helpers to give me a chance to have a chat to other mums if DD needed occupying, they held babies for mums so they could chat, or play with older children.

Your friend might simply be a home body and in that case you probaly have to accept that you are two different people and the friendship isnt going to grow.

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 07/12/2009 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 23:04

Okay, really dont want to get punched!! lol!
Will go round for an hour or so. will suggest we both look for some babygroups, and look at slings. If there was one for a bigger baby I think that may help her as that is the only place her baby likes to be! Thankyou

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 07/12/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

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busybutterfly · 07/12/2009 23:05

I think you're being a bit U - you're lucky that your DC is lovely to be out with. It is so stressful when your baby is difficult - I'd just suggest popping over to hers for now so she's on home turf.

It will get better (for you both)!

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 23:15

I am really carefull not to make any suggestions! Mainly because she is actually doing really well and im a bit, well, dumb when it comes to slightly anxious babies. Mines quite happy if she doesnt have to spend to long without a bottle.......

OP posts:
StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 07/12/2009 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
againandagain · 07/12/2009 23:33

Snowman am am very aware that things will change! Im also a bit worried that I may suffer with an early walker which i really could do without! I walked a 10 months and my DP walked the day he turned 9 months! Am enjoying the lull of having her stay where i put her. Am not looking forward to chasing her around

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 08/12/2009 09:42

oh dont worry about the early walker - i walked at 9 months - DD, 18!! Waaaay to young to tell. lol bless

worldgonemad72 · 08/12/2009 09:51

i think yabu aswel, i hate going out for the day with my ds (he's 7 months). it upsets his routine, he's stuck in a pushchair all day, i would much rather spend the day at home so he can play, have a proper nap etc. when you go around why dont you suggest just a walk to the local park or something for an hour that way you get out of the house for some fresh air but its not too long that she will get stressed or anything. i think you need to try and be a bit more understanding, as others have said she might be suffering from pnd but doesn't like talking about it.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 08/12/2009 16:56

"my DP walked the day he turned 9 months!"

My 2 both did this...to the day!!

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