to distance myself, or is this normal?

[againandagain]

Okay, im going to change a few details here so not to offend.

A not super close relative of mine gave birth to her DD a very less than a week before I had mine. We havnt seen loads of each other but obviously as the girls are so close in age we arranged to meet and go for lunch. Now, I am aware that her baby has been slightly "high maintenance" and not especially easy. During lunch the baby was a little grumberly and had to be jigged about. Fair enough, not a problem, however my relative refused to sit down and eat but walked about with the baby in one arm and half her sandwich in the over which made it quite hard to enjoy the lunch. Anyway I suggested that the next week we go to quite a nice shopping centre just over an hour away, she agreed, and as she dosent have a car at the moment I said id pick her up and drive there. We got there, had a quick coffee (where both babies were perfectly happy) but I was aware she didnt want to sit still for too long so we got a move on. We wnt to a couple of shops and decided to go the feeding areas to give the babies a feed. Basically her baby beganto cry and wouldnt settle to feed. She then decided that she did not want to carry on shopping and asked me to drive the over an hours car ride home after being there for 40 mins as her DD was getting upset. The min we got in the car her baby fell asleep, which, I have no doubt she would of done if we had started pushing the prams again. These are the only 2 times she has really been out of the house, other than a couple of walks, since the birth. Her baby is 4 months old. Since then the visits have consisted of me going to hers and sitting in the living room with the babys for most of the day. Please dont get me wrong, she is doing a great job as a mother, her baby looks beautifull, she is breastfeeding which I know she struggled with to begin with and is surviving on very little sleep. I really enjoy her company, and like the babies spending time together, but I hate the weekly visits of sitting in the house all day and not getting some fresh air and a change of senerey. I have gently suggested going out again but she really doesnt want to. Shall I encourage her more, leave her to it, or just put up with losing a day a week?? Pls help!

My friend and I both had PND. She hated to stay in her house and I hated leaving mine, so she came to me lots and we fitted quite well.

If you are concerned that she is suffering please do not hesitate to let herknow you are there if she ever needs to talk. She does sound very anxious.

I am not sure she would take kindly to you asking her if she had PND tbh. I get the feeling she knows you don't really approve of what she does and thathe will think you are judging her.

Perhaps she just went along with you shopping etc because she wanted you to know she was making an effort to keep up with what you wanted to do - but it was just too difficult for her.

Shopping with a small baby is one of my all time worst nightmares.

Sorry, but I do think yabu

Plus it is entirely possibl;e that she is finding you being there all day with yourt child absolutely exhausting and would rather chill out and get on on her own...? This is how I was. It's just how I'd prefer it - I avoided having friends round especially with their childen, as I was emotionally too knackered to be sociable, and if I had to be smiley and pleasant to someone else all day I would have paid for it dearly in terms of collapse afterwards.! I wouldn't have done anything that needed doing, because I'd have been focusing on the guest.

You sound like you think you're doing her a big favour but maybe you could think about whether she actually wants to be jollied out of her instinctive behaviour, or not.

I think you should be a little forceful is your suggestions to go out. I understand, from having a very easy couple of babies, that it is difficult to understand the behaviour of a nervous mother whose experience of motherhood is a fretful baby likely to kick off at any minute... you quickly become fearful of the next cry/scream and do anything to prevent it. This includes not even hearing when your baby has been mostly happy as every time they cry it's AGAIN as opposed to the first time that day.

If I were you I would suggest time at her house followed by a walk to a park/local beauty spot. Maybe even lie and say you've had a dreadful night and your baby really needs a walk and fresh air.

A day in a shopping center when DS was 4 months old would have been hideous, but then I'm not a shopper at the best of times!

My mummy friends and I tend to go to each other houses rather than out, we go for walks or to the park or whatever but stay based from a house - much easier for playing, eating and getting a chance to have a chat IMO!

YABU I think, sorry.

Do you think she finds it stressful that you have such an easy going baby in comparison to hers?

It may be possible that she comes away from meeting you feeling really down about how her DD is behaving/ how she is coping as a mother. Have you considered that as an option?

i sympathize with your friend ,my sister & i had our ds's four days apart , this was my first dc & her 3rd dc , she was a dab hand whereas my ds was very high maintenance , he screamed every two ours for a bottle & was colicky , he wouldn't sleep in his pram & had to be rocked in my arms to sleep , if he felt us lowering him down into his cot or pram he would scream , , bare with your friend its bound to get easier for her in a few months time

YABU she probably will start going out more when the baby gets older. Everybody deals with new baby stress and sleep deprivation differently. My sleep deprivation was very severe - sometimes only 2 hours sleep a night - I was a zombie and could barely function. The idea of a long shopping trip out would make me panic. But then again, I also had PND too. If she has PND you should come down to her level and not expect her to reach yours. I really cannot understand why the mums who get along all smoothly sometimes find it so hard to sympathize with those who are obviously finding the whole experience harder.

Just keep encouraging her without pressure and offer to help her out.

YABVU. I was your friend. She is doing nothing out of the ordinary at all. Some babies just aren't that portable at this age. 4 months is just born really.

Luckily none of my friends backed off, they rolled with me and we are still great friends now - however active we chose to be after having our babies was really not a deciding factor on us being pals.

I think it is bizarre you want to distance yourself for this reason tbh.

Hi thanks for the advice everyone. Just wanted to say a few things a I know that it is hard to get the wrong end of the stick.
Im not moaning that she dosent come out more, I was asking whether I should encourage her or leave her be.
I know that she likes the visit as she told me she feels a bit lonely and often asks me to stay longer.
I think some people may think I moaning because she wont shop with me! Thats not the case, I wanted to know if it is normal for some mothers to feel this anxious for this long. I also was more asking if IWBU to distance a bitas we obviously enjoy different things, or if you think she needs a bit of help and support (that sounds a bit patronizing but cant think of a better word)
The suggestions about baby groups, slings and park walks is great thanks!

The fact that she has told you she feels lonely and asks you to stay longer, in my mind gives you a bit of a green light to suggest she might talk to her health visitor about how she is feeling a bit rubbish still - it could be PND and i think she is looking to you for some support. I know i said dont say anything for fear of getting punched (joking of course) but it sounds like she is reaching out tbh.

I'd keep going every week, stay an hour or two and suggest a 20 min walk round the local streets/ park. Based on what you've said. You sound nice.

What chance of mothers got of someone understanding how hard motherhood can be if their own fellow-mothers can't? Surely a couple of hours a week is not too much trouble if she is suffering and you are managing fine. Just be grateful you are in a position to be able to help her. There but for the grace of god....

Reading this really struck a chord with me and took me back...I was the one with the screaming baby. I didn't have PND but I found it incredibly difficult that friends babies just lay there all quiet and satisfied when mine screamed. I agree with other posters that you end up anxiously waiting for the next noise/for dc to start up again. It is so frustrating and heartbreaking when friends can sit and eat an uninterrupted meal when you haven't in several months.

A close friend tried to take me shopping with her toddler ds - it was awful and I ended up in tears. The next week she appeared at my house with a 'picnic' meal - she had made it all so it was a lovely treat but I got to stay in and not have to worry about dd making noise etc. whilst I was eating, then we went for a walk afterwards. I've always thought this was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me!

She isn't finding it that easy. Cut her some slack. Is it ^really& so hard to sit in her front room for an hour and have a natter over a cuppa?

Again thanks for the advice, those of you that have given it.
MrsMattie, Readinginbed and others im not going to explain myself any more, please read my comments comments before you post. I am not moaning about going over for an hour. Jeez!

Clayhead- you have a very nice friend!!

leave her be for a while and don't put pressure on her to go out.

it is hard to socialise when you have a fitful baby and actually more stressful than just staying home.

IMO Mums with easy going babies don't really understand.

My dd was fitful and I didn't like going out that much with her in the first 6 months whereas my ds was a breeze and I walking to shops and back on day 2.

And roles might reverse when they are toddlers - you might be the one who wants to stay in

Agree with others. DS2 was an incredibly high maintenance baby - wanted to bf all the time, hated being in a pram, wanted to be picked up/held all the time (I initially wrote "difficult" there in place of high maintenance but thought, no, why should a baby be thought of as difficult just because it won't lie quietly in a pushchair for hours at a time).

DS1 was different - he would sleep for hours in a pushchair so I could "do" lunch/shops/days out. But DS2 has turned out to be a very easy going toddler whereas DS1 was more difficult.

I wouldn't force days out on your friend until her baby is more settled.