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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH late home AGAIN.

31 replies

boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 18:25

I know IABU, it's not his fault but FFS, I am so SICK of him being late. He commutes so he's not home till gone 7 most days, so when he has to work late it means he isn't home til half 7 or 8. Plus he is reliant on trains which are so unreliable it isn't even funny. I am fed up of waiting until 8 to have dinner (don't want to have mine earlier as I actually like sitting down and eating with him). I often go to bed quite early ATM as DS is ill and getting up a lot in the night so it feels like we have no evening together. He also gets invited to work related evening events at least once a week. Last week I had planned something for the evening and then something came up at his work so I had to cancel (actually, I'm wasn't being unreasonable to be cross on that occasion, but that's a whole other thread!). It makes it bloody impossible to commit to anything. I would love to do an evening class but they all start before he gets home.

So ANNOYED!!

Gahh.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/12/2009 18:34

Does he have to go to the weekly "work related evening events"? Those seem unreasonable.

Original poster
boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 18:39

To explain: he works in the film industry so sometimes he is invited to premieres or other functions hosted by film distributors. No he doesn't 'have' to go; but he does have to show his face at at least some of them as they're good for making contacts in the industry, keeping clients sweet etc. They come up more often in some weeks than in others. The one last week was something he had no need to go to at all, but he really wanted to because there was an opportunity to meet some slebs. He owes me for that one.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 07/12/2009 18:40

How important are these work related evening events? Would he lose his job if he did not go?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/12/2009 18:41

Ah, any chance you could get a babysitter and go with him? Sometimes?

Mishy1234 · 07/12/2009 18:44

I do feel for you. I've been (acutally, still going) through this with DH due to a combination of his work commitments and a 3 year long part-time MBA.

It's frustrating and lonely and I completely understand why you feel this way. However, you do seem to understand why atm it has to be like this and it seems there's not a huge amount which can be done in the short term. Over time it may well change.

Is there any way you can make time for eachother at the weekends? Are there GP's or friends who could take your DS for a couple of hrs so you could have lunch somewhere nice?

Morloth · 07/12/2009 18:45

DH is rarely in before 9pm. I tend to eat with DS and then have a coffee/chat with DH when he gets in (or mumble where dinner is atm, because I keep going to bed). We do however eat brekkie as a family.

Are you just going to have to get used to it? Is it likely to be ongoing?

caramelwaffle · 07/12/2009 18:45

x-posts.

Yes. Hiring a babysitter and going with him would be a good idea in my opinion.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/12/2009 18:47

I would find a reliable babysitter, book her once aweek to go and do what you want and then book her to go out with him.

ComeOveneer · 07/12/2009 18:47

I feel for you. However I have just learnt to get on with it without dh. He is a solicitor and 8pm is an early return home for him (more commonly after 9pm, going into the early hours of the morning, or an all nighter, coming home the following evening). I often tupperware up his dinner and put it in the freezer when he calls at 7.30pm to say he won't be home as something has come up.

MarthaFarquhar · 07/12/2009 18:49

my DH often has to do unplanned overtime late into the night. It's a bummer.

Can you try to ensure that he finished on time at least one night each week? Then at least you know that on that night you can have dinner together, or go out yourself.

I do insist that when I'm on-call, DH has to leave the office on time. No ifs, no buts. I reckon that if his work lay claim to 4 nights a week it's not unreasonable that I get first dibs on one, especially if it's all sorted in advance.

Original poster
boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 18:50

I have done on occasion in the past, only problem is a free evening out for him costs me a return train fare to London so it isn't always affordable at the moment.
Plus I'm not usually invited as there are limited spaces .

TBH the evenings out don't bother me as long as they aren't too often and I get payback in evenings out with my friends. It's the unexpected late homecomings (like tonight) that irritate me more as it eats into the time we have together. Plus if I've had a hard day with DS it just adds to the stress.

OP posts:
RubysReturn · 07/12/2009 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countingdownthedays · 07/12/2009 18:51

Another one here with a late husband. Mine is never in earlier than 8.15 and it's slowly creeping towards 9 on a regular basis. I hate it but have got used to it and decided to not let it bother me any more otherwise I just get too cross. If I have to go somewhere I arrange it unless it's unavoidable, to start at 8.30 and remind him 20 times that he has to be home by then, otherwise I get a babysitter which is the only way around it. Fortunately he doesn't ever work on the weekends so they are family time but we don't see him in the week, he's gone by 7am.

jay11 · 07/12/2009 18:51

My dh has a 4 hour commute every day so leaves at 6.45am and is never home before 7.30. No chance of an evening class for me and dh doesn't see the kids during the week. It's annoying, but a lot of mums are in the same boat.

Original poster
boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 18:55

Morloth, TBH it looks like this is for the foreseeable future. The only option is to move nearer his work. Which would ensure he was home earlier but I'd be even more bored because I wouldn't know anyone locally.

Can't really afford to hire a babysitter regularly either. I think it just winds me up that his evenings out can begin as soon as he leaves the office, but mine can only really start when he gets home.

I wouldn't mind so much if his job paid a bit more!

I'm not normally this negative, honest!!

OP posts:
VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 07/12/2009 18:57

I just wanted to say YANBU really

I remember those days well; Dh would leave at 6 and be abck for 10. or 11. or....

He is now out of that industry but even now it happens, tonight was supposed to be my night 'out'(at college) and I am not there as his exam ran late. A real PITA but just life.

I used to find it really hard and Dh'sfuture career will be in a similar industry to your DH albeit not so front end (film and TV lighting designer) so I suspect it will all satrt agin when he graduates.

It almost split us up, the alck of time together, and it did come down to what I wanted most- him or a routine. It is him, but it didn't stop it being a slog.

Morloth · 07/12/2009 18:58

In that case learn to enjoy it. I rather like my evenings alone. There is often wine and Mumsnet, bubblebaths, books, DVDs that you know they would sleep through, you can get used to it.

We really focus on the weekends together and in fact find these days if we spend too many days together in a row (i.e. holidays) we start to irritate each other. Lord help us when retirement hits!

Loosingmymind · 07/12/2009 19:02

You have my sympathies, my DH also commutes, leaves at 6.30am and his train is supposed to get in at 7.20pm but is never earlier than 7.40pm (which means home at 8pm) and at least once a fortnight he is over an hour late as there is a problem with the train/track/signals. He only see's the DC's at the weekends

PDR · 07/12/2009 19:02

My DH also rarely sees DS awake during the week. He usually leaves the house before we are up (7.45am) and gets in about 6.30pm which is usually when DS goes to bed.

We do however get to eat together at around 8ish.

He goes out one weeknight a week which I don't really mind as I can watch what I want on the telly, have a long chat with a girlfriend etc.

I think the unexpected is unfair though - I always get very excited about DH coming in from work lol so if he was late I would get pissed off disappointed.

allaboutme · 07/12/2009 19:06

Used to be the same with DH, then he got made redundant and now its even worse!

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 07/12/2009 19:07

That'sa shame allaboutme

Dh'sredundancy 'saved' us I think (or rather his sanity- I amnot speaking lightly) but that'spartly becuase there were no toehr jobs on offer so DH'schoices were study (as he ahd always wanted) or claim dole; it enabled a choice he'd never have ahd before IYSWIM. Although of course not having been made redundant would have been better.

Original poster
boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 19:09

PDR, that's exactly it - a planned evening alone is fine (bottle of wine, something for dinner that he doesn't like, good book) but an unexpected one is just fecking boring. I feel like I'm just killing time until he gets home.

The trains piss me off as well. The fecking things are always late.

OP posts:
Original poster
boundarybabe · 07/12/2009 19:13

sorry to hear that allaboutme. Obviously I realise that he's lucky to be in work, I'm just having a whinge.

OP posts:
QueenofDreams · 07/12/2009 19:18

OP you have my sympathy. My DP doesn't get home till after 9pm. He leaves just after 7am. he doesn't see DS at all during the week. It is lonely and stressful. I'm hoping once I get work he can take a job closer to home so that I can actually see him in the evenings and eat dinner before 10.

itsmeolord · 07/12/2009 19:24

In our house it is me that is always late home and doesn't really see the children enough if at all during the week.

I am the main income so no choice, but it is horrid. I am permenently stressed trying to get home in time to have cuddles with the kids or spend an evening with dp before he falls asleep in front of the tv.

Does your husband understand how you feel or does he not get it?
I think it can be easier if you both "get" that it is hard for both parents in this situation.
Focussing on the weekends works well for us.

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