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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

could you forgive & forget if this happened to you ?

45 replies

biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 10:21

am i wrong to hold a grudge ?
years ago when i was 22 i was at my cousins 21st birthday party , at the end of the night i went around all my relatives to say goodbye , 1 of my uncles (mums brother) called me over so i walked over to him ready to say goodbye etc when all of a sudden he stood up & grabbed hold of my long hair & pulled me down to sit beside him He was holding me there with a very tight grip on my hair & laughing with four other uncles until another uncle saw what was happening & came over & ordered him to let me go , he let me go but tore out a large handful of my hair , i ran out o the hotel & into my parents car where my dp (now my dh) was waiting for me in floods of tears too upset to tell them what happened , we went home & i finally calmed down enough to tell them . my mum was very upset but said that this is mu uncles sense of humour & he doesn't know his own strength etc , he knew dam well he was hurting me as i was upset , i never went to any more family parties after that as i felt humiliated , this all happened 13yrs ago & now this uncle is suffering with his nerves & on the verge of a nervous breakdown & my mum is running around after him , taking him on days out trying to cheer him up , it makes my skin boil tbh ,
so am i wrong to still feel resentful ?

OP posts:
RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 10:26

Yes.

He may have been a bit pissed and not realised truly how much he hurt you. However what he did was wrong.

BUT, now he's suffering and you shouldn't deny him help because of what happened 13yrs ago. If your mum wants to help him out, that's her business and she's very kind to do so. You should be proud that you have such a kind and thoughtful mum.

He's suffering now, don't hold this one incident against him.

fandango75 · 07/12/2009 10:26

no you are not spiteful old man karma karma

slushy06 · 07/12/2009 10:26

Sounds like a A grade prat and you can't help how you feel. YANBU.

Sn0wflake · 07/12/2009 10:28

I'm not sure that this should damn him for the rest of his life if there is nothing else he has ever done. I imagine he was very drunk?

Do you have any reason to believe that this indicates that he is violent or aggressive in general?

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 10:32

rhubarb , i am very proud of my mum , she is fantastic tbh , i did invite this uncle to my wedding 7yrs ago for my mums sake & i tried to avoid him , but he followed me out of the reception room & as i was talking to a friend he stood on the train of my dress & as i walked off i almost tore it off , luckily my friend spotted his foot & pulled me back , i asked him to remove his foot and he just grinned at me & held his foot there for a few more seconds until my dh came out looking for me ,

OP posts:
RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 10:34

Ok, so he sounds like he has a big problem. Aggressive? Or undiagnosed social problem?

But whatever he has done, he is in pain now and perhaps to be on the receipt of human kindness will help him to examine his own life and to show a little kindness to others.

Sassybeast · 07/12/2009 10:37

YANBU. He deliberately humiliated you and there are no rules to say that people becaome 'nice' when they become ill. having said that, as long as your mum doesn't expect you to become involved in caring for him, you just have to let her get on with it.

dutchmanswife · 07/12/2009 10:42

YANBU. He sounds like a vile nasty man who gets kicks from hurting other people. I'd have nothing to do with him because even with the health problems he now has how could you trust him not to hurt you again.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 10:45

rhubarb are you sure you are not my mum that is what she says . the thing that hurts me is my mums brothers jeer her behind her back & use her for money etc , my mum has 7 siblings , mum is the 2nd eldest therefore she helped my nan raise the younger kids , from the age of seven my mum was cooking & cleaning & babysitting her brothers while my nan worked & my grandad worked in another country , but when my mum met my dad my dad had a good job & they bought a lovely house in a posh area & my uncles have always tried to bring my mum down iykwim , i have heard these men tell my mum in front of me things like " oh you came from nothing & you are only where you are now because of your dh" etc yet still my mum runs after them & gives them money several times a year etc i hate the way they only ring her when they are looking for things ,

OP posts:
RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 10:46

It's her choice though. All you can do is to raise her confidence, tell her how wonderful she is, take her on an outing yourself. Give her the confidence to be able to speak out for herself.

But these are her brothers and I'm afraid she may feel duty bound to help out.

What about your dad? Where does he stand in all of this?

ChloeHandbag · 07/12/2009 10:50

Let it go, holding on to your feelings about it will not punish him, but will hurt you. Just make the choice to move on.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 10:54

my dad felt very hurt at the time my uncle did that to me & a few days later spoke to my uncle about it , my dad told my uncle to never dis-respect me like that again etc but my dad does anything my mum wants
my mum only has to suggest going somewhere or doing something & my dad hops to it they have always been extremely close & still are which is lovely but my dad has heard these uncles try to put my mum down but my mum just ignores it & carries on but if my dad where to upset my uncles he would be the worst in the world iyswim .

OP posts:
tea7oranges · 07/12/2009 11:02

Well going by what you've said, I don't think you're wrong to hold a grudge, I think I would. It's not the same as wishing him ill, it just means that you don't like him. That's nothing to feel guilty about. You've obviously inherited your Mum's caring attitude, otherwise you wouldn't be agonising over this.

I guess I agree with Rhubarb. I think you need to put your Mum first. Be supportive for her, and you can still avoid your leech of an uncle.

confuseddoiordonti · 07/12/2009 11:05

Your uncle sounds like a knob. Avoid him as much as you can.

diddl · 07/12/2009 11:07

Are you resentful because your mum is helping her own brother?

RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 11:09

Suggest he go to MIND for help. Try to take some of the burden off your mum.
Fill up her diary for her so she can't give him much time. There are other organisations out there that can provide help for him.

Sit your mum and dad down and explain your concerns for her. She can still help her brother without being taken advantage of and abused.

And keep reminding her of what she's good at, how wonderful she is, how much you love her.

Sounds like jealousy is a big problem. She's married a lovely man and has a lovely daughter, whereas all they have is their bitterness.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 11:14

thanks yes i do feel sorry he is ill but when i remember back to him laughing knowing he was hurting me i feel sad that he could be that cruel ,
yes im doing well i haven't seen him since my wedding 7yrs ago . but my mum rings to tell me all about how he is doing & although i say all the things she wants to hear like oh i hope he feels better soon etc i find it hard to feel sorry for him as he has had every test under the sun & has been given a clear bill of health yet still rings my mum crying , he is one year older than my mum .
my mum is in her 70's & is diabetic & this really upsets her .

OP posts:
RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 11:18

Then suggest to your mum that he gets help in. Put it to her that if anything should happen to her, or if she became ill, who would look after him? It's in his best interests if he were looked after by the mental health team at the hosp for instance. People who are professional and who can help him far better than your mum can.

Send him a box of tissues for Christmas.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 11:20

thanks rhubarb , yes i do meet up with my mum & dad twice a week for a coffee & some shopping my mum really is an angel , she never See's bad in anyone , but its very hard to see how her brothers treat her , i have spoken to her several times about this but she knows how they treat her but says its their problem not hers & carries on as usual . the mind boggles honestly
it hurts my dad too , but he will do anything to keep my mum happy .

OP posts:
RhubarbLikesAnyOldFucker · 07/12/2009 11:23

Perhaps a call to social services by a well-meaning anonymous person about how he isn't coping well might be a good idea?

MillyMollyMoo · 07/12/2009 11:24

Hmmm a bit left of field but my cousins daughter has an uncle who basically says nasty things to her, is very unplesant and upsets her whenever he sees her.
When extremely drunk he admitted he fancies his niece (has only known her as an adult) and that's why he's horrible to her because he feels sick at his own feelings.
I would stay well well clear of him, he's your mums charity case not yours.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 11:27

like the tissues idea but i wouldn't want him to think i cared tbh

diddl no not resentful of my mum helping her brother but i am resentful of the way they treat her after getting her help she never hears from them again until its their birthdays or Christmas is coming up they phone to ask her out straight when is she coming over , in other words to give them money etc . the last time she went over to 1 of my uncles houses she wasn't even offered a cup of tea , & she gave my uncle his usual envelope of money & bought presents for all his grandchildren etc. they blatantly use her . but she just doesn't care & is just delighted to see them etc.

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 07/12/2009 11:30

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't doubt that your uncle caused you pain and embarrassment but it was a one off incident over 20 years ago.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 07/12/2009 11:30

milly - yuck

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 07/12/2009 11:33

as my mum always says - what goes around comes around!