could you forgive & forget if this happened to you ?

[biggirlsdontcry]

am i wrong to hold a grudge ?
years ago when i was 22 i was at my cousins 21st birthday party , at the end of the night i went around all my relatives to say goodbye , 1 of my uncles (mums brother) called me over so i walked over to him ready to say goodbye etc when all of a sudden he stood up & grabbed hold of my long hair & pulled me down to sit beside him He was holding me there with a very tight grip on my hair & laughing with four other uncles until another uncle saw what was happening & came over & ordered him to let me go , he let me go but tore out a large handful of my hair , i ran out o the hotel & into my parents car where my dp (now my dh) was waiting for me in floods of tears too upset to tell them what happened , we went home & i finally calmed down enough to tell them . my mum was very upset but said that this is mu uncles sense of humour & he doesn't know his own strength etc , he knew dam well he was hurting me as i was upset , i never went to any more family parties after that as i felt humiliated , this all happened 13yrs ago & now this uncle is suffering with his nerves & on the verge of a nervous breakdown & my mum is running around after him , taking him on days out trying to cheer him up , it makes my skin boil tbh ,
so am i wrong to still feel resentful ?

Unfortunately it´s up to your mum to put her foot down if they treat her that badly.

He sounds like an utter wanker with huge issues.

Not your problem and not your mum's but she chooses to ignore and that's up to her.

One thing I will say is you have NO obligation to keep pretending you care how he is. You have every right to avoid the issue where possible, ask your mum not to talk about him as he is a bastard and you can't stand him, (said in less frank terms obviously ) or change the subject whenever his name comes up.

Cut off the part of you that is pretending anything - these are your entirely justified feelings and if you don't stand up for them, they will eat away at you instead.

Your mum can choose what she does for him and you can choose to have no part in conversations about this creep.

I don't care if he is an old man - you can be old and nice or old and nasty. Doesn't change anything unless he gives you a full apology imo.

Be a grown up and make your feelings clear, and then you can let go.

Can't say I'd forgive something like that and my other half would probably have tried to rip his throat out when he found out

how horrible! I don't blame you for being furious and resentful. And I'd keep away from him as much as possible. But unless you want your mum to feel torn between the two of you I think you will have to just try to grin and bear it.

yep i suppose i should just build a bridge as they say , my mum will always run around after her brothers i just wish they were nicer to her , they don't deserve her imho ,
flight that is exactly what i would love to say but could never because it would hurt my mum , but it would also make me feel like a bad person inside if that makes any sense,for the last 13yrsi have just had to grin & bare it for her sake .
i have never had an apology from him , even when my dad spoke to him about it he had a grin on his face & my mum just told my dad to leave it as she didn't want to fall out with him .

Why does your much do so much for her brothers?

OK,one is ill now, but why do they all seem to be her responsibility?
(Especially with no thanks)

It´s a bit sad that she also expects you & your dad toput up with it so the don´t fall out with her.

that's just what my mum is like diddl
she does everything for everyone , always has done , i suppose it stems back to when she was little & looked after them all because she was the only girl
she didn't have much of a childhood herself therefore made sure myself & my older sister had everything we ever wished for , i was 16 before she even let me boil a kettle fgs
i know what you mean though , its very hard to sit back & watch them treat her like this .

Is your mum genuinely lovely and good samaritan like or is she motivated by guilt and a disproportionate sense of duty. Her brothers sound like lazy, greedy, tossers and yet she can't prioritize her daughter's feelings over the needs of these dead-legs.

My guess is she is pandering to them out of guilt. She is from a generation where women were trained to wait on men and put their needs first. To do anything different would be going against years of programming and she probably isn't able to cope with that.

I think rather than pussyfooting round her for fear of hurting her, you and your dad should be honest with her. A bit of honesty might shock her into realising how she is being used. And also, your Uncle's actions have made you feel very unhappy, why should your unhappiness be ignored by your own mother. Are you not as important as her twat of a brother?

Yes, that´s the thing for me tbh.

Your Uncle upset you, but your mum didn´t want your dad to say anything.

Are these uncles not married or have any children?

I like to think I´d help my own sibling if it came to it, but I´d rather fall out with her than let her upset my family.

I think acciopinotgrigio has a really good point there about duty and guilt. That may well be what is motivating your mum.

My mum panders to my brother as well, it is quite depressing sometimes, even though he is really quite a nice bloke. I want to shout at her to stop waiting on him hand and foot, he is a grown man FFS. But she just does it, she feels it is her "job".

As for your uncle he sounds really horrible, I would be avoiding him too if I were you.

What Flightattendant said.

Also, Accio has made a good point about your feelings are somehow invalid in face if your mother's devotion to her brother.

I would not forgive and forget this tbh. I would also say to your mother that you are not prepared to even listen to any stories about your uncle. Say that you are not interested in talking to him. He sounds like a vile old bugger and you made the right decision to cut him out of your life.

He sounds like a creep and I wouldn't bother with him. But your Mum can do as she likes.

BGDC the thing is that you can't change what any of them chooses to do, how they behave etc etc...what you can do is change the way you approach it yourself. There's nothing to stop you continuing a great relationship with your mother and anyone else you want to, but at the same time being honest with yourself and putting up an inner wall inside your head, that stops anything they do from hurting you.

All you talk about is their feelings and so on -= what about yours?

Turn it around for a moment. Would you treat yourself like this if you were them? No way.

You're eing sacrificed here and of course that is going to make you feel angry and frustrated - it would anyone.

It soudns as though you fear by expressing any kind of calm, reasoned refusal to enter into discussion or sympathy regarding this bloke, you will risk total rejection by the rest of your family, who are very important to you, especially your mum.

Do you really think she would reject you on this basis?

I think you need to find an assertive role model

Someone you can start to identify with, who would not put up with this kind of suppression...can you think of any female relatives who would react differently and still be respected by the family? Or some character in a film? That usually works for me.

You just need a bit of practise feeling like your feelings are valid and deserve everyone's respect...make them sit up and see how grown up and smart you are. You can do it beautifully while still getting your point across and not hurting anyone in the process.

sorry had to dash off to pick up dd from playschool ,
yes my mum is genuinely lovely , she would do the same for anyone tbh
i told my mum when my uncle did that to me years ago that i wanted nothing more to do with him but that i didn't expect her to dis- own him as i knew how upset she was , but at the same time i hate to see her running around after him , but i would never make her choose between us ,
flight i suppose i am the quiet type that never makes a fuss iykwim ,
accio yes i agree that she ponders to them while they treat her like crap , earlier this year she tried to phone 1 of her brothers but could not get hold of him , she rang another brother & was told " oh he has changed his number" but gave everyone else his new number but not my mum , but yet last week he rang her with a sob story (same every year) & now mum is arranging to drop over to him later on this week to help him out =ie. money .

"But whatever he has done, he is in pain now and perhaps to be on the receipt of human kindness will help him to examine his own life and to show a little kindness to others."

I agree with Rhubarb (and your mum) but there is no reason on earth why YOU need to lift a finger. If your mum is happy to pander to him, that's really down to her.
He probably does have some kind of ' mental issues' but you don't have to be a part of caring for him, he has not earned that right, not at all.

On the 2 occasions you have seen him in the last 14 years he has been absolutley vile to you, wierd to the extreme. You have every right to cut him from your life and tell all and sundry that you would prefer never to hear his name again. If anyone has an issue with that, it's their problem quite frankly, you are well within your rights to decide you want nothing more to do with him.

Sit back and revel in the schadenfreude, this is his Karma, and he deserves all of it. Support your Mum, if you feel so inclined, but not your uncle directly, if that's acceptable to you.

YANBU

He has behaved unacceptably at least twice. Just because he is a blood relation doesn't mean you have to accept bad behaviour. You can't stop your mum bothering with him but you don't have too.

But you wouldn't be asking her to choose between you. You would be asking her to respect your feelings/wishes and not mention this Uncle in conversation with you. You would be well within your rights to ask for this given what he did and how that made you feel.

Perhaps if she sees you asserting yourself (gently of course) it might inspire her to do the same. In no way does this have to be a conflict between you and your mum. To me this seems like a reasonable thing for one adult to say to another.

I had an uncle very similar to yours he was nasty as hell to me when I was little. I avoided him for yrs and yrs but as he got really old I started to visit him and I helped him with this and that. When he died I felt glad that we had parted on good terms.

He sounds like an idiot and I agree with Accio. You don't have to like him or see him just because he's your uncle. Your mum can see him if she wishes. Let your mum run around after him if she wishes and just change the subject if she goes on about him alot and tell her you'd rather not talk about him. She can moan about him to your dad instead.
Not sure there really is a problem here.